Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Starbucks (Heroin-Laced) Penguin Holiday Cookies

I'm not a big Starbucks fan. I'm not a trendy, coffee shop guy in general.

First off, there are WAY too many choices for me, and when "Tall" is the smallest size available on a menu, my brain goes to that PC blue screen of death.

Also, I just don't get the point of GOING to a coffee shop to work or play around on a laptop. It's a little too "Look At ME! I'm Writing and Chatting and I'm SO IMPORTANT That I Can't Be Away From My Computer For More Than One Hour Or I Will Just DIE!"

Even Aquaman has figured out how to deal with his need for water every hour without looking like a douche bag in public.

One day, I'm going to get up the nerve to purchase one of those huge, old Smith-Corona electric typewriters, lug it into a Starbucks or a Caribou, slam it down on a table, plug it in and just go to town on the keys, so that those loud-assed typing pins interrupt everyone and everything. Then, when the whole room is staring at me, I'll shout in my best Jeri Blank voice...

"What are you lookin' at?!?"

All that aside, I fell in love with their holiday cookies last year. They are incredibly sinful and so addictive that I am certain they are laced with heroin. Or at least, some good Whitney Houston smack.

So, on my way home tonight, I stopped into the Starbucks on Broadway and Roscoe to see if their holiday cookies were available. And they are. Last year, they were shaped like snowmen. This year, they're penguins.

And each Starbucks Penguin Holiday Cookie costs One Dollar and Eighty-Five Cents!

$1.85?!? For a friggin' cookie?!? Sweet Mother of God!

I almost asked the barista to kiss me.

I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked.

And to add insult to raping-me-for-all-the-money-I-have, the twinkie clerk with the chunky glasses and the lisp that stretches from here to Kenosha was uber-snooty and pretentiously bitchy to me.

All I could think as I walked out was that line from ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS...

"You only work in a shop, you know. You can drop the attitude."

16 comments:

Shirley Heezgay! said...

One of my favourite lines. Ever.

Stephen Rader said...

Shirley Heezgay - Yep. That line is the best cause it tells it like it is!!!!

the joy said...

My bff works at the starbucks in my hotel and I honestly don't know how much anything costs cuz I steal everything. Especially the crack penguins. If I had to pay I prolly wouldn't go in there.

Stephen Rader said...

the joy - They ARE crack penguins, aren't they? I mean, HARDCORE!!! I love them so!!!

Steal 'em, baby! If I could, I would!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tina said...

I'm so drunk right now on White Merlot, but I must relate to you what happened when my 12 yo son ate one of those Starbucks Penguin cookies, yesterday.

These taste like cardboard. Did you pay for these, with like--real money?

No, I used monopology money...

Well, you should get a community chest refund, because they taste like air.


I love that boy.

Stephen Rader said...

Tina - You're drunk on White Merlot and right now, I'm smashed on vodka, but your son's "community chest refund" comment is brilliant! You've got a writer on your hands. Possibly as talented as his fabulous mother. Possibly. :)

Shirley Heezgay! said...

on a side note...i don't eat those cookies. I ate one once that tasted like soap.

I can't avoid the oat fudge bars and this time of year, the cranberry bliss bars. YUMMMMMY!

Highway Robbery? Yes. In Broad Daylight.

Heaven In Your Mouth? Well...a close second.

Palm Springs Savant said...

those penguin cookies are stinkin cute as can be.
Happy Thanksgiving Stephen
-Rick

Stephen Rader said...

Shirley Heezgay - I think you and I both know what wins out in the Heaven In Your Mouth Contest for us. And I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Rick - Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

Dana said...

Sorry, but what is white merlot again? JK The crack-related holiday food here is Banoffi Pie: bananas, caramel, and whipped cream. Oh...My...God... I will be 400 pounds when I leave here. And not the good, money kind of pounds.

Shirley Heezgay! said...

HA! Yeah, chocolate covered peen!

Stephen Rader said...

The Joy & Shirley Heezgay - I can barely move because I've eaten WAY too damn much today. Oy...

supertiff said...

i feel the opposite way about the kissing...but those cookies ARE damn good. and so cute, too!

Java said...

Adorable cookies. Hard to taste them from here. How big are they? I don't know if I'd pay that much for ONE F***ing cookie!
Stephen, do you bake? Make your own cookies and stick it to the Starbuks. I have some yummy recipes if you are interested. Try making biscotti. That's another thing that is super easy to make, yet hideously overpriced any place I've seen it sold.

yinyang said...

You find the best pictures.

Stephen Rader said...

Supertiff - I could eat a dozen of those cookies at one sitting. It would not be pretty.

Java - I love this idea! Sure! Send me any recipes you like. I'm all about it!

yinyang - Thank you! I love the Google Image Search! :)