Thursday, May 31, 2007

3,474 And Counting...

During the course of this month - - May 2007 - - One Hundred Twenty-Three (123) United States soldiers lost their lives fighting the War in Iraq.

As you can see from the chart below (found at the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count) this is the third highest monthly death count since the war began in March 2003.

Earlier this week on Memorial Day, Cindy Sheehan announced that she was giving up her brave and courageous fight to bring our troops home and end the war. Ms. Sheehan's announcement came in a diary entry on Daily Kos entitled "Good Riddance Attention Whore."

Why such a horrific title? Because those were some of the milder things said about Ms. Sheehan by Liberal bloggers. Not Conservative right-wingers, mind you. Liberals.

The following is just one portion of Ms. Sheehan's diary entry. It focuses on her son, Casey, who lost his life fighting the War in Iraq...

"The most devastating conclusion that I reached this morning, however, was that Casey did indeed die for nothing.

"His precious lifeblood drained out in a country far away from his family who loves him, killed by his own country which is beholden to and run by a war machine that even controls what we think. I have tried every since he died to make his sacrifice meaningful.

"Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives.

"It is so painful to me to know that I bought into this system for so many years and Casey paid the price for that allegiance. I failed my boy and that hurts the most."

Ms. Sheehan ends her entry perfectly.

"It’s up to you now."

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

600 Days... And Counting

I just noticed today's anniversary on my Countdown.

Maybe if we all start to sing the following lyrics to NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, the days will start to fly by.

Six Hundred Days Until Bush Is Gone.

Six Hundred More Days Of Bush...

My Compu-Coffee Table

Screw the iPhone. I want this. Right now!

How friggin' cool is that?!?!


I remember a time back in the 70's when my mama could take me to J.C. Penny's Department Store and buy me a pair of Huskies and a couple packages of tighty-whitie briefs and barely bust a $20 bill.

For those of you who didn't live through the ridicule of wearing "Huskies," you may think that "husky" - - as defined on - - is an adjective meaning...

1. big and strong; burly.

or perhaps...

2. (of the voice) having a semi-whispered vocal tone; somewhat hoarse, as when speaking with a cold or from grief or passion.

or even...

3. like, covered with, or full of husks.

It's not any of those. Especially not "covered with, or full of husks."

My mother made me wear a lot of things, but "husks" have never adorned my body.

Well, not in public, anyway...

No, "husky" is an adjective meaning...

4. made in a size meant for the larger or heavier than average boy: size 18 husky pants.


5. for, pertaining to, or wearing clothing in this size: the husky department; husky boys.

And it's a noun, meaning...

6. a size of garments meant for the larger or heavier than average boy

It's a type of jean for us boys who grew up on the larger side of life. Boys who are often nicknamed "Hoss." Boys who know they are overweight and have to go around with the tag on the back of their jeans - - right above their ass - - announcing to the world that they are, indeed, "Husky!"

Why don't they just print the words "Fat Ass" or "Wide Load" right across our backsides? If you're gonna insult us with "Husky," you might as well just go all the way.

Where is all this coming from? Well, I saw this image today on the Undergear site...

Why am I browsing through underwear ads on the Undergear site? Do you live in a cave?

And while the uber-hotness of the model made me stop and... ummm... "take him in," I wanted to know what was written across his significantly un-Husky, bubble butt.

It says, "Keeper of Secrets. Guardian of Desire."

Umm... YUM!!!

But, for all his hotness - - and yes, he IS My New Imaginary Boyfriend - - these boxer briefs are $29!

Do you have any idea how many pairs of Huskies you could buy for that amount of money?!?!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

We've Not Come A Long Way, Baby

The Dutch have officially brought us one step closer to a reality television show where you, the viewer, get to choose who lives and who dies.

CNN reports...

A 37-year-old woman suffering from an inoperable brain tumor wants to donate a kidney before she dies and will choose the recipient from among three contestants on Dutch national television, a TV network said Tuesday, claiming it wants to highlight a crisis in organ donations.

Asked to intervene, the government said it was unable to stop the broadcast, regardless of how distasteful -- and even unethical -- it might be. And it's unclear whether the contestants are a medical match with the terminally ill woman, and whether the winner would be capable of receiving her kidney.

It's ironic that hundreds of years have passed since crowds voted on whether gladiators in the coliseum should "Live" or "Die," and yet, we humans remain the same twisted, pathetic, miserable, "kick 'em while they're down and laugh about it" beings that we were then.

The show is entitled, THE BIG DONOR SHOW. But is that the best title?



No, I've got it - - THE REAL YOU BET YOUR LIFE!

Think that's disgusting? It is. One more sign of our times.

And when you consider that the winner may not even be a match for this woman's kidney, it's even more disgusting. There is a special place in Hell for those who dangle false hope in front of the sick and dying. A place right next to Falwell. No, incredulous as it may sound, these people belong on a lower ring then Falwell.

And to say that this will "highlight a crisis in organ donations" is like saying SURVIVOR is the perfect teaching tool for understanding the intricacies of Darwinism. As my grandfather used to say, "It smells like horseshit 'cause it IS horseshit."

Network chairman Laurens Drillich defends the quality and integrity of the show by saying...

"Some people will think it's tasteless, but we think the reality is even more shocking and tasteless: Waiting for an organ is just like playing the lottery."

With that logic, we can easily take this a few steps further and create a reality show that every network will, pardon the pun, kill to have.

I can just hear the sicko tv executive's pitch...


This is a SURVIVOR-like show where all the cast members are either near death or really want to die and we graciously offer the winner, not a million dollars, but LIFE! You're gonna love it.

First, we put out a casting notice...

"Currently Seeking All Those
Who Are
Terminally Ill,
Questioning Their Need To Exist

Or Anyone Who Is

'Mad As Hell And Not Gonna Take It Anymore'"

Then, we pick out the standard reality show cast. And since our contestants are the near-dead and dying, there are so many colorful possibilities.

We can definitely find some flamboyant fag with only two T-cells to his name for our AIDS guy. Then, we get a redneck, Bible-thumping, Republican mother of four who has cancer. I mean, just with those two alone, there is HUGE conflict-potential.

Can you imagine if we can get the queer to start screaming at the poor, white trash mom who lost her hair to chemo about how "God doesn't hate fags?!?!" We're talking an "O'Donnell/Hasselbeck" fight here. The ratings will soar!

Once the cast is complete, we put them in an AMAZING RACE-like contest. But instead of solving puzzles and travelling around the globe, we'll confine them to a huge maze. And at each checkpoint, they will have to fight blood-thirsty murderers armed with knives, swords, guns, flamethrowers, etc. Obviously, they fight to the death. I mean, they're already dying or extremely suicidal, right? So, what do they have to lose?

And we can have the final four battle EACH OTHER - - kill or be killed. Yeah, each other - - what a twist! The winner will receive our "Universal Cure."

Oh, no. There is no "Universal Cure" but if we TELL them we have a universal cure for whatever it is that's killing them, they'll fight harder, right?

And the final episode's twist is that there IS no universal cure and we tell them ON AIR that they have always had the power to fight back against anything and live! It's so uplifting. It's so WIZARD OF OZ. I've really thought this through.

A title? We could call it KILL FOR THE CURE. Or maybe Mark Burnett would co-produce and let us call it THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR.

No, I've got it! We call it LIVE AND LET DIE!

We just have to get the rights from the James Bond people. Hell, Paul McCartney already wrote our theme song!

A host? I don't know. Is Richard Dawson still alive?


Summer is here, and with all of the barbeques, beach parties and street fairs, it's easy to relax, let down your guard and forget about certain roadside dangers.

So, as you drive down the freeway or stroll down the sidewalk this summer, never forget...

Lohan Drives Among Us

(This kick-ass image comes from Pretty On The Outside. Check it out.)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Consoling Elizabeth Taylor

My love for Carrie Fisher is well-known.

Last Tuesday, she was on THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON and mentioned that she and her mother, Debbie Reynolds, had recently attended Elizabeth Taylor's birthday party in Las Vegas.

Carrie was amazed that there were press at the event asking if Debbie had finally forgiven Elizabeth.

Craig then asked Carrie to explain what happened between Debbie and Elizabeth for the young 'uns in the audience who might not know.

He began with, "Your mother was married to..." which quick-witted Carrie interrupted by saying...

"My father.

My father was a man named Eddie Fisher and they were best friends with Elizabeth Taylor and her husband at the time, Mike Todd.

Mike Todd tragically passed away in a plane accident and my father consoled Elizabeth with his penis. "

THAT is why I love Carrie Fisher!

Carrie ended by saying...

"Well you know, you can say it with flowers or..."

Carrie Fisher. Twenty-Five years after Leia. Still stunning. Still beautiful. And this century's Dorothy Parker.


Yesterday, Mike, Andy and I went down to the Palmer House to take in the sights, sounds and smells of The Leather Mart at IML.

There was a lot to see and a lot to take in. And yes, I do mean that sexually.

Although, I didn't end up with a hot, leather Daddy to take home, the three of us did end up at GayMart later in the evening where I found this image on a t-shirt.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

And speaking of "end up" and "hindsight", I gotta get back down to The Leather Mart. Mmmmmm...

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Bush's Bumper Sticker

I'm not sure if anyone else who is running for President said this before, but I'm thrilled the someone is saying it now.

"The War on Terror is a slogan designed only for politics.

It is not a strategy to make America safe.

It is a bumper sticker, not a plan.”

- John Edwards, May 22, 2007

And to those right-wingers who take offense to that remark, I once again give you the words of Ms. Gloria Steinem...

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off."

Friday, May 25, 2007

Rosie Has Left The Building

Well, after watching this past Wednesday's split-screen shouting match between Rosie and Elizabeth, I guess I should have seen this coming.

Rosie O'Donnell takes early exit from VIEW

CNN just reported this...

Rosie O'Donnell has fought her last fight at "The View."

ABC said Friday she won't be back on the show following her angry confrontation with co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Wednesday.

O'Donnell asked for, and received, an early exit from her contract. She was due to leave "The View" in mid-June.

"Rosie contributed to one of our most exciting and successful years at 'The View,' " show creator Barbara Walters said. "I am most appreciative. Our close and affectionate relationship will not change."

In a statement, O'Donnell said she was grateful. "It's been an amazing year and I love all three women."

Presumably, that includes Hasselbeck. The two exchanged bitter words on Wednesday over O'Donnell's opposition to the war in Iraq.

They've frequently had snippy political exchanges during O'Donnell's year on the daytime chatfest, but never as long and loud as that one.

After watching Wednesday's show, I hope that Rosie is ok. It seems to me that being one of the only out-spoken, liberal voices on national television has taken it's toll.

She seemed broken to me. I hope that's not the case, but even so, leaving this show now is the absolute best thing for her spirit and her soul.

Thanks for carrying us through, Rosie. You will be missed.

Mary Jane's Compromising Position

The fan boys already know all about the scandal surrounding Mary Jane (Spidey's girlfriend) that is being shouted about in blogs and certain media outlets.

And no, I'm not talking about what we all learned watching SPIDER-MAN 3:

1) That Kirsten Dunst apparently doesn't have a stylist, or if she does she SERIOUSLY pissed him off during the filming of this movie.

2) That there were no gay men working on the set with balls big enough to say, "Miss Thang, what is UP with your ratty-assed hair?!?!?"

3) And that Kirsten has never heard the words "conditioner," "shampoo" or "hairbrush" in her life!

No, I'm talking about a recently released statuette of Mary Jane by Sideshow Collectibles that... well, instead of describing why it's controversial, I'll just show you a few pictures of the statuette (which according to Sideshow's web site is now "SOLD OUT" but is priced at $124.99)...

Wow. What art, huh? I call it...

"Subservient Mary Jane Washes Peter's Spidey Suit While Begging To Take It Up The Ass"

The designer of the piece, Adam Hughes, defends the statuette as being a playful, pin-up rendition of Mary Jane discovering Peter's Spider-Man costume.

But how many of women do the laundry with their butt in the air, pushing out their 38 Triple D's and sporting a pearl necklace? A PEARL NECKLACE, Adam! Come on!

Let's see it from another... wait a minute... is there a rip in her...

Yep, there's even a RIP in the ASS of her JEANS! Are you TRYING to start a riot, Adam?

Luckily, some bloggers have been designing retaliations to the Mary Jane misogyny by placing Peter in the same situation. Like this one...

But this one is my personal favorite. THIS definitely puts Peter Parker where Mr. Hughes thinks Mary Jane should be.

Now, THAT is a statuette I would pay $124.99 for! 'Nuff said.

Hymen Eliminator

The email below is just one of the HUNDREDS of pieces of spam I receive every day through my Season of Concern email address...

I know that my history with vaginas abruptly ended right after my mother gave birth to me.

The doctor spanked me on the ass and I vaguely remember saying, "Thank you, Daddy. May I have another?"

But ladies, am I wrong in assuming that when your hymen was "eliminated," the experience was not one you later described as "satisfying?"

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Sign It For Reb

After the death of Captain America, I re-discovered a man who probably had A LOT to do with why I fell in love with comic books as a kid.

The man who brought Captain America to life in a few movies, actor Reb Brown.

A couple of days ago, I received an email from a lovely woman who has created an online petition urging the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce to honor Mr. Brown with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The petition reads...

To: Hollywood Chamber of Commerce

This is a petition to request that the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce present American film star, Reb Brown, with a plaque on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Star of such seminal classics as "Yor the Hunter From the Future", "Space Mutiny", "RoboWar" and "Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf", he also embodied the spirit of America as the television incarnation of Captain America.

Reb Brown has contributed greatly to the entertainment industry, nay, the WORLD and it is time we gave back.

Only six people - - myself included!!! - - have signed the petition.

Ok, people. Get to it. Go the the online petition and sign it.

All you have to do it give them your name and email address and both are kept private so that they can't be picked up by those asshole spammers.

As incentive for the straight women and gay men, I offer this shirtless picture of Reb.

What's Gabe Kaplan doing in the picture? Who cares.

I love a man who has arms the size of my thighs.

A New Smell for NYC

A couple of nights ago on THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON, Craig talked about NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg's announcement to make the city's entire fleet of yellow taxi cabs hybrid in five years time.

Craig said...

"I like that all the taxi cabs are going to be hybrids. I think that's fantastic.

Now, all they need to do is get the drivers to wear deodorant, get the people to stop urinating in the streets and the whole place is going to smell like Ryan Seacrest's handbag. It's going to be sensational!"

Please, Seacrest is so gay he makes ME look butch. And that's saying something.

But, Seacrest Out (of the closet)? Never.

Not till he's found in Central Park getting sucked off by this guy, anyway.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

George & Googie

I am off to sing at an event. What event? I have no friggin' clue.

My friend Mike Checuga found himself in charge of a fundraising event that had no entertainment. This was less than a week ago. Again, the event is tonight.

Apparently the person originally in charge of booking entertainment for this fundraiser - - who had, I'm imagining, months to prepare - - has aspirations of one day working for FEMA.

So, Checuga asked me to sing a couple of songs and the incredibly talented George Howe is helping me out by accompanying me on the piano.

What are we going to sing? We don't know. Should we know? Yeah, probably.

But never fear, George can play anything. George's knowledge of pop culture and musical theatre is mind-boggling. Luckily, he has been uploading some classic pieces of America entertainment onto YouTube for all of us to enjoy.

When I saw that he had uploaded this clip, I peed. Literally. I peed. And I kind of enjoyed it.

What's the clip? Well, here's George's YouTube description of the it...

Rita Moreno reprised her Tony Award winning performance of Googie Gomez for the film version of Terrence McNally's 70's gay farce "The Ritz".

Legend goes that when she accepted the award as Best Featured Actress in a play, Moreno was heard to quip, "The only things I supported were my tits."

Love Rita. Love George. Love singing at events with no rehearsal and no idea who the audience will be.

We, who are about to be laughed off the stage, salute you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Falwell's Funeral

Well, not only is today my father and stepmother's wedding anniversary, which I completely forgot about until right now and it's too late to call them in Hilton Head...

...well not really, because where else would my father be at 11:45 p.m. on a vacation night than a bar drinking a scotch, but still, you just don't call people after 10:00 p.m. where I'm from... you just don't...

...but today was also the day that Jerry Falwell was buried, and I almost forgot to post this clip from REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER from last Friday's episode.

I was waiting for the day of the funeral to post it. It seemed appropriate. And I swear I did not mean that bitchy.

I'm sorry to say, Rev. Falwell's hate has been passed down to a new generation.

Earlier today this guy, Mark David Uhl, a first-year Liberty University student, was arrested because he had made explosive devices, which were found in his car, that he was going to use to stop protesters from disrupting Falwell's funeral.

Liberty University:
Closing Minds and Increasing Hate and Bigotry in Our Nation
One Student at a Time

Live Vote on MSNBC

If you haven't already heard the news from my friend Mike, I have conceded and am now officially his Blogger Bitch.

Because once again, he has posted something that I must pass on...

Here are the results so far...

As it says, this is "Not a scientific survey," but doesn't that 88% in favor in impeachment make you feel good? And doesn't it also make you mad as Hell? I want to scream at the Democrats, "Impeach the motherfucker! What are you waiting for?!?"

Hell, my mother has a bumper sticker on her car that she recites to me nearly every day...

"Clinton ruined a dress. Bush ruined a nation."

So, go to the MSNBC site now and cast your vote.

And in the words of an infamous Chicagoan, Mr. Al Capone...

"Vote early and vote often."

Creepy. Kooky. Mysterious. Spooky

Hey, baldy.

Yeah you, Cerveris.

Michael Cerveris, don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you!

Now, I'm only going to say this once, ok?

You better not show up to the auditions for this new Addams Family musical hitting Broadway in 2009? Back off!

You got to play Sweeney.

Throw me a friggin' bone.

Let another bald actor play Uncle Fester.



Yep, somebody somewhere has green lit an Addams Family musical. Andrew Lippa is composing the score, which is brilliant, but Paul Rudnick is NOT writing the libretto and that, as they say in polite society, sucks.

Watch the trailer for ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES. Rudnick wrote the screenplay. I love this so hard.

I personally have been waiting years for some poor schmuck to blurt out "I'll be the victim," so I can throw back my best deadpan Christina Ricci / Wednesday Addams and say, "All your life."

It's no BLACK SNAKE MOAN, but still

Monday, May 21, 2007

New Joker & New Jaime

Ok, I'll admit when I've been beaten.

Today, I write a lame-assed little blurb about the first Rusty Griswold scoring a "mystery role" in the new Batman film, DARK KNIGHT, while Mike scoops the ultimate Batman story with this first released image of Heath Ledger as The Joker.

Warning!: Before you click on that link to see The Clown Heath of Crime, be aware that the image is rather frightening. Seriously.

It's a sort of John Wayne Gacy kiddie-clown version of The Joker. Yeah. Nightmare inducing.

But I have to say, this just one piece of an incredible marketing strategy created by Warner Bros. for DARK KNIGHT.

For instance, there's the "ad" for Harvey Dent's Attorney General campaign with a tag line that reads, "I Believe In Harvey Dent"

And the fact that apparently, the image of Harvey Dent's face is slowly eroding into a Joker face.

Or that there are Joker playing cards being found in comic book shops that have a handwritten message scrawled on them declaring "I Believe In Harvey Dent Too!"

Read all about those and more here on Ain't It Cool News.

But not to be outdone, I will now (hopefully) scoop Mike with one of the first looks at the NEW Jaime Sommers.

This is Michelle Ryan in this NBC's Fall update of the 70's hit tv show, THE BIONIC WOMAN!

And here's a clip from the pilot. I'm kind of hot for it.

Still, I miss me some some Lindsay Wagner.

I mean, this is an actress who was so popular in a two-part episode of THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN that when her character - - the Bionic Woman... duh... - - died at the end of the second episode, THEY BROUGHT HER BACK TO LIFE!!!

How friggin' SOAP DISH can you get, right? But hey, when it means bringing the sexy and ultra-talented Lindsay Wagner back from the dead, you can easily suspend your disbelief.

This new BIONIC WOMAN is good but the show won't be the same without her.

And THE BIONIC WOMAN won't be the same without that kooky sound effect that plays every time she moves her hair to use her Bionic Ear.

And it doesn't seem right not to hear that other sound effect that plays when she uses her Bionic Arm to hit or her Bionic Legs to jump.

And ya'll, THE BIONIC WOMAN is just not THE BIONIC WOMAN without the slow motion camera work that tells the audience she is running at Super Fast Bionic Speed!

And let's face it, the writing on the 70's version of this show was outstanding.

Well, see for yourself. This clip has it all - - the Bionics, the sound effects, the "moving of the hair" away from the Bionic Ear and the sharp, crackling dialogue that set the standard for the television dramas we enjoy today.

Ok.. well... maybe this new version might surpass the original in some areas, but again, as we say in the South, it's a "Dance with the one that brung you" thing.

P.S. This image above is the front of THE BIONIC WOMAN metal lunchbox that I YEARNED for as a boy.

But, just like the Wonder Woman Underoos I asked for every Christmas, it just wasn't gonna happen.

A Sign

I just now clicked on the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count site to update the section of my blog tracking the number of U.S. Soldiers who have lost their lives in the Iraq War.

My last update was only four days ago. The increase makes me sick to my stomach.


As I was walking to the bus last week, a very old, very frail woman drove past me in her car. She turned into a parking lot in front of me, and in the back window of her car, she had taped a couple of pieces of notebook paper. With a black, permanent marker, there were huge, handwritten block letters on the notebook paper that said...


No exclamation point at the end. It didn't come across as a demand. It was simpler than that. Just a statement. Small. Incredibly loud.


In the past four days, while we've been dicking around discussing the fall of AMERICAN IDOL and whether or not Jimmy Carter was out of line to criticize the George W., or why certain people won't give DC Comics a break, nineteen U.S. soldiers lost their lives in Iraq.

I just can't make sense of it.

It would be absurd if it wasn't so fucking horrific.

Holy 80's Flashback, Batman!

Apparently, there IS something more frightening than The Joker trying to kill Jimmy Olsen.

What you are about to read is 100% true.

Continue if you dare.

I'd turn back if I were you.

Anthony Michael Hall has a "Mystery Role" in the next Batman movie, DARK KNIGHT

Do you see what happens when you fags INSIST on bringing back Lacoste shirts and wearing the collars straight up?!?

You open the Pandora's box that IS the 80's - - even slightly - - and you the path is clear for Anthony Michael Hall to walk among us once again... and find work... in FEATURE FILMS!!!

Oh, the humanity.

According to "Farmer Ted" himself...

"I signed a confidentiality agreement, and I can't say which part I'm
playing because it affects the story.

I can't give away the suspense — it's a $200 million surprise, and I
don't want to be the guy to ruin it."

Anthony. Trust me. You've already ruined it. My "Christian Bale Woody" has gone bye-bye and there's no little blue pill on the planet that can counter-act the effects of your... what do you call it?... oh yes... "acting."

As for which character in the Batman Universe Mr. Hall could POSSIBLY be playing, this is the ONLY option...

The Bookworm

And if for some ri-COCK-ulous reason, Anthony Michael Hall IS playing The Bookworm, what is going on?!?!?

Wasn't Roddy McDowall available!?!?!

Sunday, May 20, 2007


To all the fan boys out there who seem to have nothing better to do with their lives than "armchair quarterback" every single, solitary comic book that hits the stands, I want to tell you something...

"Get off DC Comics' back!"

Geez. Anyone who read both DC's 52 and Marvel's CIVIL WAR will tell you that DC mopped the floor with Marvel in that round.

How long did it take Marvel to publish 7 measly books? Nearly a year. Oh, and how many weeks are in a year? That's right - - 52!!

DC published a book a week featuring multiple characters, and while some issues were better than others, they were still miles above the under-whelming ending of CIVIL WAR.

The fan boys didn't enjoy DC's WORLD WAR III and I thought it was wonderful. Four books encapsulating the entire arc of the story that came out on the same day!!! I loved it.

And now that COUNTDOWN has begun, I've already read one blogger who can't believe that DC killed Duela Dent in issue #1 and another who said that since nothing has happened in the first two issues, he'll probably stop reading it.

Hello?!?!? THEY KILLED DUELA DENT!!! Doesn't that count as something happening?!?!?

If you boys and girls think you can do a better job than the writers at DC, then go do it. Since you won't do that, just sit back and enjoy the ride - - especially since COUNTDOWN's year-long ride is only two weeks in.

And for being only two weeks in, can you get any better than this image for the cover of issue #2?

You may not be able to see it when the image is this small, but The Joker is holding Jimmy Olsen's press pass. One of the teaser ads for COUNTDOWN has been "Jimmy Olsen Must Die" and here is the Clown Prince of Crime holding Superman's Pal's ID! I love it!

When I walked on the bus last Wednesday holding this book, people were staring at the cover. Fan boy or no, The Joker, especially when he's drawn this well, is still disturbing.


Of course, I'm also drawn to the amazing covers of the new Justice League of America and the new Justice Society of America. The current cross-over with these two books, featuring prominent members of The Legion of Super-Heroes from their pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths incarnation is one of the best things going right now.

And what's not to love about hunky Hawkman and red-hot Red Arrow?

Now, do you understand why I was drawn to comic books as a young FIG (Fag In Training)?


For those of you keeping score at home, Red Arrow started out as Green Arrow's sidekick and was called Speedy.

Then, he got hooked on drugs, but we all saw that coming right? I mean, his name was "Speedy" for God's sake.

He kicked the habit and a few years later joined the Outsiders under the name Arsenal. And just recently, he was asked to join the JLA under yet ANOTHER name, the aforementioned Red Arrow.

You think LOST is confusing? You have no idea.

But I will put up with the name changes and plot twists if Alex Ross and others continue to draw Red Arrow and other men in the DC Universe in a more... ummm... shall we say "anatomically correct" way.

"Hey, Red Arrow. Is that an arsenal in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"


But that little pic of the former Speedy isn't the best. This image of who is to become the next JSA member from the "Steel" family - - this new one being named Citizen Steel - - shows the best two-dimensional basket I've seen in a long - - and I do mean LONG - - time.

Meet me at the comic book store on Wednesday? I'll bring the lube.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Planet Unicorn 3: Unicorn In The Water

It's finally here.

The media event we've all been waiting for.

This is what America really WANTS to see!

So, plug it up, Paris...

Lick it, Lohan...

And bite me, Britney...

We've got...

The Third Episode of PLANET UNICORN!


In this segment, danger awaits our Très Gay Trio in an adventure under the sea!

No, they don't meet up with Shelley Winters. Although, that would be fun...

What? This is the first time you've seen PLANET UNICORN?!?! Well, here are episodes One and Two.

PLANET UNICORN is brought to you by the folks at Blue Ribbon Panel. Check 'em out! They are hilarious.

And just by looking at his picture on the main page of their site, I am officially hot for Joe Davidson...

Although, according to the credits at the end of the clip above, I don't think Joe has anything to do with PLANET UNICORN specifically...

But who cares? I'm in love!!

A Friend

I stumbled across this quote last night from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, the man most famous for writing THE LITTLE PRINCE.

I had just finished a phone call with my friend Aaron right before I read the quote and it describes my friendship with him beautifully. So, his is for Aaron...

Or I guess I should say, this is for "Master Aaron," as he refers to himself in "comments sections" and in certain dimly-lit bars with strictly enforced dress codes where the color and position of a handkerchief says more about you and attracts more new friends to you than even the hottest and hippest MySpace page.

The quote is...

"A friend is a man that knows the melody of your heart and hums it to you"

There is a similar quote by Gloria Steinem that also applies. Ms. Steinem said...

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off."

No, you didn't piss me off, "Master Aaron." No, just the opposite.

That's why I called you in the first place. I needed someone to hold a mirror up and help me take a good, hard look at myself. That's never easy. And that's why it's best when an old friend who loves you does it. It makes it easier.

Thanks for humming me a little bit of truth. I needed to hear it.

Friday, May 18, 2007

RAGTIME: Then & Now

Sometime in 1999, I went to an industry performance of the musical RAGTIME at Oriental Theatre, which had just recently been beautifully restored and renamed The Ford Center for the Performing Arts.

I remember sitting next to my friend Charissa Armon. I especially remember the tears falling down her face as she listened to the actress playing Mother sing BACK TO BEFORE. Charissa had been swept away by this epic musical.

I was bored.

Charissa couldn't believe I didn't enjoy it. I've talked with so many people about it - - people who love RAGTIME - - and I still don't "get it." I think I don't enjoy it because there are so many stories with such huge arcs and with only 2 hours to go from beginning to end with everyone, the show just skims each character's journey. I don't feel like I get to know any character deeply.

That, added to the fact that the second act song list goes something like: ballad, anthem, ballad, ballad, sweeping anthem, reprise of first ballad, new ballad, reprise of sweeping anthem, etc., makes me "turn off" rather than "tune in."

My friend Aaron thinks my dislike of RAGTIME is much, much simpler. As he has told me...

"You don't like anything with more than 5 characters.
Too many people and you can't follow the plot."

Since I love THE LAST FIVE YEARS (cast size: 2) and never have enjoyed LES MISERABLES (cast size: All of France), I think he's on to something.

But last night, I had a real treat. I went to another industry performance of RAGTIME, this time produced by my pals at Porchlight Music Theatre. Actually, there were many treats at this performance. For instance...

- Walter Stearns kept me "tuned in" to the story from start to finish through his wonderful direction

- Eugene Dizon's musical direction blew me to the back of the theatre with the breathtaking sound coming from his band and the amazing cast

- Aaron Graham soared as Tateh, Karla Beard's finely-tuned and poignant portrayal of Sarah was mesmerizing, Sarah Hayes as Emma Goldman was an inspiration and Jayson Brooks gorgeous voice made you want to take him home so he could sing to you all day and night.

But the ultimate treat was Charissa as Mother.

After sitting beside her eight or so years ago as she fell in love with RAGTIME, it was a thrill to sit in the theatre and watch Charissa take the character further than what is written on the page. Her performance was so nuanced, so vivid, so passionate. It was a joy to watch this friend of mine who is truly at the top of her game. A joy.

And when Charissa sang BACK TO BEFORE, no one moved, no one breathed and I began to understand the emotional power and depth of this piece of musical theatre.

Thank you, Charissa, and congratulations to everyone involved with Porchlight and RAGTIME on an wonderful production.

Side Note: They announced it at last night's performance and it hit the press today.

Porchlight's production of RAGTIME is extending and is moving into the Apollo Theatre.

Bravo, guys!

What Are You Smiling At?

I found this picture in the Chicago Tribune's "Images in the News" section.

It was taken yesterday at a news conference in the Rose Garden of the White House.

Tony Blair looks simply radiant!

His smile seems to be saying...

"In a few weeks, I will never have to see this stupid hillbilly again.
Sayonara Shit-for Brains, I'm out!"

Or maybe the photographer caught Blair in mid-conversation with Bush. Something like...

"Seriously, George. Seriously? No way!

You really said that The Queen visited the U.S. in 1776?

With her standing right beside you?!?

Oh, dude. I bet she was pissed!

Did she give you that 'look'. Yeah, that one?!?

Oh, man! That means she was totally pissed. That's hilarious!

She friggin' hates you. You know that, right?"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Your Future In Song

I found this fun little site that tells you what the Number One song was on a specific day in history.

The guy who runs the site looks a little "A.V. Club" to me.

Here he is with Lionel Richie to prove my point.

Still, I shouldn't call this guy an "A.V. Club Nerd." I mean, a "Chorus Fag" should not judge.

Especially since "A.V. Club Nerds" were rings above "Chorus Fags" on the high school food chain back in my day.

And especially since I love this section of his site.

It's fun to find out what the Number One song was on your birthday.

It's fun and it's strangely informative.

I believe this might possibly be a better predictor of ones' lot in life than any astrologist or palm reader this side of Miss Cleo.

Take my birthday for instance.

The Number One song on my birthday was B.J. Thomas' RAINDROPS KEEP FALLIN' ON MY HEAD.

Those who know me will agree - - that just says it all!!!!

If you don't know the song, I offer you this clip of Mr. Thomas performing the song on what appears to be the set of The Blaine Community Players' production of OKLAHOMA.

B.J. looks absolutely frightening in this clip.

Watching him sing, I feel if the bastard son of Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme stole an old costume from Tito's JACKSON FIVE days and is proudly wearing it to sing this song for Corky St. Clair right before dashes off for a date - - a "date" at which he will meet Chris Hanson on DATELINE NBC's "TO CATCH A PREDATOR," if you know what I'm talkin' about.

And that's my Life Song, if you will - - RAINDROPS KEEP FALLIN' ON MY (friggin' ) HEAD.

Makes my whole life sound like a damn ZIGGY cartoon for fuck's sake.

You Have To Believe Them; They're Magic

I finally got around to watching the latest episode of Penn & Teller's BULLSHIT last night and it ended with this clip from their Las Vegas show.

With all the talk in support of and against Rev. Jerry Falwell that is racing around every branch of the media today, this Penn & Teller trick hits home with me.

Because even though I believe that most of what Rev. Falwell said was repulsive, and even though what I say, as well as what I am, is repulsive to some people, we still live in a nation that allows us - - all of us - - to say whatever we want, whenever we want.

Even today. Even in the Dark Ages of George W. Bush. Even under the "Big Brother" eye of The Patriot Act. We can all say anything we want. We can criticize and discuss and rant and rage and praise and cheer. We can say anything.

Even the word "faggot."

Even the words "nappy headed ho."


Watch this. It helped me remember that.

P.S. Don'tcha love my XANADU reference with the title of this post?

Who else can discuss Freedom of Speech, the death of a religious zealot, a Las Vegas club act and offensive language and make it all fit under an Olivia Newton-John song title?

Who, I ask you? WHO?!?

I Love Me Some Onion

The Onion's "American Voices" response to Rev. Falwell's death.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Heart Challenges

Michael just called me to give me the news...

Reverend Jerry Falwell is dead

CNN reports...

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died, a Liberty University executive said
Tuesday. He was 73. Earlier today, Ron Godwin, the executive vice president of Falwell's Liberty University, had said Falwell was found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. and taken to Lynchburg General Hospital. Godwin said he was not sure what caused the collapse, but said Falwell had "a history of heart challenges."

"A history of heart challenges?!?!?!" That's putting it lightly.

This is the man who said...

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

This is the man who, after the tragedy of September 11th, said...

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

This is the man who supported racial segregation, thought and said that...

"I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King"

That man is dead.

Won't you please join me in a rousing rendition of that old, gay spiritual...

"Ding! Dong! The Witch Is Dead!"

Three Takes On Paris

With all the hoopla surrounding Paris Hilton and her upcoming jail time, I think these three items sum it up best.

First, this from Gallery of the Absurd...

Notice the credits at the bottom list that CAGED MEAT is "A Schadenfreude Production" also starring Tonya Harding. Love it.

Is that Dennis Hastert on the right?

No, that's just my Aunt Bust Yo Face. She's lookin' good.

Then, this new song, pleading with Paris to "Just Go Away"...

I love that both Batman AND Superman sign the petition.

Apparently, Wonder Woman refused to sign because she's a big Paris Hilton fan. THE SIMPLE LIFE is a huge hit on Paradise Island.

And then, there's the brilliant sarcasm of Cameron Diaz. When asked by Extra or The Insider (or another of those ridiculous shows) her thoughts on the Paris Hilton jail sentence said this...

"We all suffer when Paris suffers."

Love you, Cameron. Love you.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Floating Naked Guy

Ok, I'll admit it. This Fox News headline totally grabbed me...

It's a Bird! It's a Plane!
It's a Floating Naked Guy!

I was hoping beyond hope that there were pictures of SUPERMAN RETURNS star Brandon Routh hovering naked over a city.

I mean, as Dolly Parton says in 9 TO 5, "You got a nice package. You might as well show it off."

And Brandon definitely had no problem filling out the red & blue tights. No problem at all.

(Pause as Stephen puts SUPERMAN RETURNS into his dvd player... And... we're back.)

But that wasn't what the article was about. Apparently a Polish artist named Pawel Althamer has installed a 70 foot floating balloon sculpture of a naked man that is hovering outside of the Renaissance Palazzina Appiani in Milan's Parco Sempione.

And this balloon sculpture of a naked man - - it's Mr. Althamer's self-portrait.

Take that Vincent van Gogh! THE STARRY NIGHT's night so bold now, is it?

Apparently, the installation has caused more than a few double takes, some chuckles and in just three days, has encouraged over 3,000 people to attend the artist's show of video and sculpture self-portraits entitled "One of Many." The locals, however, aren't shocked by the 70 foot tall naked balloon man at all.

"To be honest with you, it's nothing new," said Rosaria Mirabelli, mother of 3-year-old Tommaso who stared at the sculpture from the back of his mother's bicycle.

"He sees his father naked. In this park we see so many worse things than a naked man," she said, referring to the park's reputation
as a haven for drug users.

God, I love Italians.

Why? Well, the quote from American Adriana Spatafora, an English language teacher passing by, says it best...

"This wouldn't fly in the U.S."

That's the understatement of the decade. Americans can show a mass murderer on national television pointing his gun at the camera over and over and over again after he has just slaughtered dozens of people and nobody says a thing, but Janet Jackson shows one breast for a second and a half and it's anarchy.

What are we Americans? In the third grade? Giggling at wee-wee's and tah-tah's? Geez...

That said, it's no surprise that this is the only picture that Fox News - - and every other news agency that I could find - - ran with the story. No wee-wee in sight.

Notice how the guy on the bicycle just HAPPENS to obscure the gigantic, dangling balloon penis. What is this? An AUSTIN POWERS movie?!?!

But, never fear. A quick google search found these pictures of the sculpture and I have to say, I would love to see this installation in Millennium Park next summer.

And Macy's take note: Put THIS balloon in Chicago State Street Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and I might - - might! - - consider forgiving you for erasing the name "Marshall Field's" from Chicago department stores.

And if you need any help... ummmm... "blowing him up," let me know.