Friday, August 31, 2007

Fratboy Friday

Well, since I didn't get thrown into anybody's NSFW categories after my first entry for this, I'm going to try another Fratboy Friday.

Here are this week's...

There's so much I like about this picture - - and obviously, it's not the drapes - - but the key to the whole thing is the cellphone CLIPPED TO THE UNDERWEAR.

It's a classic look. Because it brings your focus right to his package.

As if your focus needed any help going to that. Yum.


I could attempt to mock the background of this picture, but let's face it - - all it would do is call attention to how PROFOUNDLY attracted I am to any and all bad boys.

Especially when the bad boy above looks like all of the cousins I slept with... errr... "hung out with" back home.



I can't quite make out what's written on their ass cheeks, but then... who really gives a damn...

Let's just enjoy the view, shall we?

And last, but never least...


Why do I have the feeling that there's a Cop, a Leatherman and a Construction Worker just off camera and they just finished a rousing medley of YMCA, IN THE NAVY and MACHO MAN?

Well, I can dream, can't I?

"Cut a Leg!"

After this incident, the official way to wish a performer well must be changed to "Cut a leg!"

ASPEN, Colo. — Julius Caesar lay dead and Brutus was talking to his co-conspirators about swords and blood when he paused and excused himself, saying "I seem to have stabbed myself."

SR: Okay, that's not a line from the First Folio. And it doesn't even scan. How lame.

Aspen actor/director Kent Hudson Reed accidentally cut his leg open with the knife he was using in an outdoor performance of "Scenes From Shakespeare's Julius Caesar" on Wednesday.

SR: "Scenes From Shakespeare's Julius Caesar?!?" So, Kent cut his leg open and he didn't even get to do the whole damn play?!?!?!

And by the way, "actor/director?" Kent directed this AND played Brutus? What is Kent Hudson Reed - - The Woody Allen of Aspen, Colorado!?!!?

He tried to carry on, "but my boot was filling up with blood and I was flubbing my lines, wondering if I was going to pass out, wondering if the audience could see the blood."

SR: His boot? He's wearing boots and a toga? Is this some concept production where all of the action takes place in a leather bar / bathhouse? Did Mary Zimmerman co-direct this crap?!?!

Portia (Susan Mauntel) took Brutus to a hospital for stitches and play narrator Tyson Young announced the performance was canceled. "That's what you get for trying to kill Caesar," he said.

SR: Tyson Young: The Henny Youngman of Aspen, Colorado.

Susan Mauntel: The Florence Nightingale of Aspen, Colorado.

The list goes on and on...

Reed said actors normally don't use real knives, but the scene was set up so none of the performers were close enough to hurt each other. "But I hadn't thought an actor might stab himself," he said.

SR: "An actor" didn't stab himself Kent Hudson Reed, darling. You did.

Reed said the show would go on, although Brutus might be limping for a while.

SR: "Et tu, limping Brute?"


I just found this and there are so many things wrong with it, I can't quite sit still.

This is Clay Aiken singing his version of a song made popular by Dolly Parton, HERE YOU COME AGAIN.

I chose that clip because it's short. I couldn't bear to listen to his ENTIRE version of that song.

What's wrong with it? Well... let's see...

1) It sucks.

2) He's in what Sally Mayes refers to as "Singer Land." He's up on stage and singing and he's so in love with the sound of his own fucking voice that he isn't even LOOKING at the people in the audience. He's looking OVER the people in the audience. Or THROUGH them. Do us all a favor, Clay: if you're going to perform like this, STAY HOME AND SING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, you narcissistic fuck.

3) It really sucks.

4) Check out the untucked button-down shirt. Know who else used to (and probably still does) dress like that? My ex-bf - - Skanky Bob. And just like Clay, he dressed like that for a reason. Check out Clay when he turns to the side. Clay dresses like that because he, like my ex, is a "Fat Skinny Guy." Gross.

5) It severely sucks.

HERE YOU COME AGAIN was the first big pop-crossover hit for Dolly Parton. She recorded it and that entire album in L.A. - - far away from the country music capitol, Nashville, TN. She was highly criticized for this move, but as Dolly said, "I'm not leaving Country behind, I'm taking it with me."

The success of the song catapulted Dolly into the pop music scene and soon after into movie success with 9 TO 5. When talking about the success of HERE YOU COME AGAIN, Dolly likes to tell the following story...

"People would say to me, 'Well, a monkey could have a hit with that song,' and I would say, ' Well, a monkey did!'"

However, after watching Clay's version, I beg to differ with Dolly. Not just ANYONE can have a hit with HERE YOU COME AGAIN. Clay has proved that.

Yeah, Clay, I said it. Suck it, Clay... and don't you DARE come near my cock!

Check out Dolly's version of the song in a fabulous montage of Dolly pics - - check out the wigs, boys - - CHECK OUT THE WIGS! This is how it's DONE!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Hello, Papi

I just found this half naked man...

...or rather, I was "enjoying the view" over at WetBoxerGuy and scrolled down to this picture of not "an" underwear model - - "THE" underwear model who is not only hotter than a 4 dollar Prada bag, but also happens to be my one-and-only soul mate (That's right - - I called dibs on him, so take a psychic message from Dionne Warwick and "Walk On By")...

...wearing the Dragon Brief from Papi, and I immediately was reminded of my newest and strangest piece of bad, public behavior.

The same thing happens on a daily basis. I see a hot man - - pretty much any age, but usually it's a big, hot and handsome, hairy hunk of man meat - - and before my brain can send a "Don't say it, Queen!" message to my mouth, each and every time, I immediately blurt out the same two-word phrase... loudly...

"Hello, Daddy!"

I'm not making this up. I do this. A lot. Honestly.

And my voice transforms into this bizarre accent as I'm saying it.

It's sort of a cross between Jessica Rabbit and one of "Girls from Mt. Pilot" - - the one who says, "Hello, doll."

Yeah, it sounds like that.

Not exactly sexually enticing.

Let's face it, this little involuntary vocal impulse is... well...

  • Bizarre? Yes.
  • Frightening to children and passersby? Definitely.

And yes, you guessed it. When I saw the "Papi" picture, I did it again. I said, "Hello, Daddy." Out loud. To no one. As I sat here at my desk drinking my morning 2 liter of Diet Coke.

However, I looked up the word "papi," and The World According to Wiki declares "papi" to be the plural form of "papa."

So, does that mean I get TWO of this Dragon Brief-wearing bad boy?!?

And if the answer is "yes," don't even think about it. I'm not sharing either one of them.

Trust me. I definitely have some openings where they can... ahem... fit.

Besides, if they keep me busy at home, I won't be out walking the streets of Chicago yelling "Hello, Daddy" at every Tom, Harry and Dick.

Q: Is that the first stage of tourette's syndrome or am I just a little overdue to get laid? Hmmm...

P.S. Hottie-Patottie Papi Model (say that three times fast and you'll master the art of cunnilingus) is DEFINITELY My New Imaginary Boyfriend!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Dame Shirley Bassey Gets The Party Started

Busy day here, but I had to quickly share my new favorite thing.

This is the ever-fabulous Shirley Bassey...

...correction, Dame Shirley Bassey...

...the legendary voice behind "This Is My Life," "Never, Never, Never," "(Where Do I Begin?) Love Story," "History Repeating" and the trio of James Bond theme songs, "Goldfinger," "Moonraker" and "Diamonds Are Forever"...

...singing Pink's "Get The Party Started."

This is joy. Absolute, pure joy!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

TMI Tuesday

TMI Tuesday #8.

1. What is the best relationship advice you've ever received?

Once again, it would be the old Southern advice from my father...

"If you have to tie up your dog, it ain't your dog."

Sort of our version of, "If you love something, set it free..." But much more colorful, don't you think?

2. How many people have you dated at once? How many people do you think it is acceptable to date at once?

I think the most I've dated at one time is two.

And it's "acceptable" (geez... how judgemental is this language?...) to date as many people as you and your dating partners want to date - - as long as everyone knows what's going on, everyone is communicating and everyone is okay with the arrangement.

The three most important things needed for my relationships: 1) Honesty, 2) Honesty & 3) Honesty.

3. What made your worst kiss so bad?

I can't remember "the worst kiss," but I do know that anyone who believes that their tongue is sort of a ramrod penis to be shoved in and out of your mouth is NOT someone who knows how to kiss.

With tongues - - as with so many things in life - - always remember that it's the opposite of a Cher concert: Less is More.

4. Can a relationship last if the sex is bad?

Of course. A relationship can last if ANYTHING is bad. It just depends on what the people in the relationship are willing to put up with so that they can have a date on national holidays and a "plus one" to all parties and weddings.

And trust me: Not walking into a party alone will make many people put up with A LOT of CRAP!!!

5. What one thing would you like your partner to do every time you have sex with them?

Sixty-Eight. That stands for, "You do me and I'll owe you one."

Bonus (as in optional): What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

Ain't got one. Don't need one.

August 28, 1963

With all of the "reality television"-esque news stories being shoved down our throats these days, let's not forget that on this day in 1963, in front of over 250,000 people who attended the March on Washington, Martin Luther King, Jr. made his historic, "I have a dream" speech.

Here is the end of that speech. We'll all heard parts of it. Read this. And take it in as if this was the first time you've ever seen it...

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Where is our present-day Martin Luther King, Jr.? Where is our present-day Harvey Milk?

I'm not saying he or she isn't out there; I'm saying if you know where he or she is, tell me. I want to know so that I can listen and learn and follow and fight.

Tap Your Troubles Away

Where are we now? On the tally of "Outed Republican Hatemongering, Homophobic Cocksuckers?"

Is this 482? Or 483? I've simply lost track.

Here's the story - - alongside my comments...

WASHINGTON (Aug. 27) — Senator Larry E. Craig, Republican of Idaho, was arrested in June by an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in the case three weeks ago.

SR: In June?!? Why is it taking us THIS LONG to hear about this?!? If I was caught in a tearoom, I'd be on the front page of the Chicago Freepress in MINUTES!!!! And I'm NOBODY!!!

Mr. Craig, 62, was fined more than $500 and placed on unsupervised probation for a year. A 10-day jail sentence was suspended, according to a copy of a court document in the case. A second charge, interference with privacy, was dismissed.

SR: Unsupervised probation? So, what... if you get caught trying to blow another guy under the bathroom stall in the men's room at Macy's, you'll be in big trouble, but we're not going to be watching you. We'll take your word for it that you won't be doing anything like THAT again. Cause your an honest corrupt official.

According to a police report obtained by the Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, which disclosed the episode and the guilty plea Monday, a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of sexual activity in the bathroom arrested the senator on June 11 after what the officer described as sexual advances made by Mr. Craig from an adjoining stall.

SR: Oh, I LOVE story time. I have my cookie and milk. Go on...

By Roll Call’s account, the officer said Mr. Craig had tapped his foot, in what the officer called a known signal to engage in lewd conduct, and had also brushed his foot against the investigator’s and waved his hand under the stall divider several times before the officer showed him his badge. After the arrest the senator denied any sexual intent, and in a statement issued Monday afternoon he attributed the matter to a misunderstanding.

SR: We fags are clever. Isn't it time we updated out tearoom signals? I mean, the cops are obviously onto our "tap foot /wave hand under divider" routine.

Perhaps we should start knocking three time on the divider (if you want me). Twice on the pipe (clink, clink) if the answer is no.

Or maybe we take a cue from SEINFELD's Elaine and simply ask the hunky shoes in the next stall if they can "spare a square." If they say yes, GAME ON!!

“At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions,” Mr. Craig said in the statement. “I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct.

SR: No. You weren't involved in any inappropriate conduct. You were simply doing your toilet choreography to Jerry Herman's "Tap Your Troubles Away!" Everybody knows that routine KILLS at all your big fundraisers.

Mr. Craig continued, “I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously.”

SR: Baby, you plead guilty because you ARE guilty. Now shut up and do a few more wrongdoings so they can throw you in the state penn. You'll get plenty of sordid cock in there.

Mr. Craig also severed ties Monday with the Republican presidential campaign of Mitt Romney, in which he had been serving as a co-liaison to the Senate with Senator Robert F. Bennett of Utah. The Romney campaign issued a statement that said: “Senator Craig has stepped down from his role with the campaign. He did not want to be a distraction, and we accept his decision.”

SR: He's one of Mitt's boys! It just gets better and better, doesn't it?

Mr. Craig, who is married and has three children, publicly rejected accusations by a gay rights activist last year that he had engaged in homosexual conduct. He called the accusations “completely ridiculous.”

SR: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Monday, August 27, 2007

And Then There Were...?

Those Bushies are dropping faster than the Abercrombie & Fitch khaki shorts of a circuit boy drop to the dance floor after the g kicks in.

Who's next?




Saturday, August 25, 2007

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #7

Well, this past week's My Favorite Caption Contest certainly inspired a PLETHORA of HY-larious responses. I guess two guys in singlets coupled with a head up an ass is that basis for comedy as we know it.

Too many brilliant responses to mention, but my "First Runner Up" for Week #6 comes from Jer of "you're being ridiculous" who wrote: "It's like I always say...Never trust a man who says he's just going to put the tip in..."

But for the sheer VOLUME of brilliantly funny response, this week's winner is Philip. And trying to pick one submission from Philip's TWENTY captions was difficult, but since A CHORUS LINE is currently being revived on Broadway, I chose this for Week #6's caption...

Conjoined at the most unusual of places, the Capputo twins went on to star in many other films such as "Just the Two of Us," "Pelvis and Butt-head," "My Brother's Sphincter", and of course, the award winning "One Singletted Sensation."

The third movie in the list makes me want to create a parody film of NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER entitled, NOT WITHOUT MY SPHINCTER. Set in my bedroom. The plot sort of writes itself, doesn't it?

Now, to top Week #6's picture, I had to go deep - - DEEP - - into some weird-assed pics, but I think I've found the perfect picture to follow-up the BUTT-HOLE WRESTLERS.

Let me say right now that I don't think I'll be able to find a weirder picture than this one, though. That said, here's the image for My Favorite Caption Contest Week #7...

Yeah. Suddenly the connection between Ang Lee's THE HULK and Ang Lee's BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN makes sense. In a truly sick way.

So, let the captioning begin. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, August 31st at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

You know, the boy in the Hulk pic may be weird, but I love his star tattoo. Maybe I should get one just like it. And one of those "Hulk hands." Hmmm....

Update - 8/25/07 - 8:18 PM - Be sure to check out Shirley Heezgay's new caption contest, "Caption This." I love this boy's blog!!!

Too Precious To Serve

I'm pretty sure lots of people have already seen this, but just in case, here's another brilliant piece from THE ONION...

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

Funniest Quote From This Or Any Other ONION Parody...

Interviewer: "How many soldiers' lives is the life of one gay man worth?"

General: "Seven"


P.S. The latest ONION headline to make me truly laugh out loud...

Friday, August 24, 2007

Fratboy Friday

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

...whoever the Hell "they" are..., it is my love, lust and deep, DEEP appreciation for blogger categories like BILL IN EXILE's "Boys in Hats," FAMOUS LIKE ME's "Mugshot Monday," and SHIRLEY HEEZGAY's "Ass Wednesday" that I'm introducing a little something I would like to try out on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?....

I call it FRATBOY FRIDAY. (Can you tell who I lusted after in college?)

Each Friday, I'll try to come up with some hot pics of guys who either REALLY ARE fratboys, look like they COULD BE fratboys or they sort of GIVE OFF a fratboy "vibe" in my (horny) mind's eye, Horatio.

There will be one pic each in four fratboy categories. The categories (followed by this first week's entries) are...

(my version of BILL IN EXILE's "Boys in Hats")...


(for those of us who like to see that subtle - - or sometimes not-so-subtle - - hint of underwear peaking out of the waistline of a guy's shorts / jeans / z cavaricci's)...


(yeah, maybe it takes my blog to the "Not Safe For Work" place, but come on - - who doesn't enjoy a full moon?)...


...and last, but certainly not least - - cause it's my favorite category...

(which not only speaks for itself, but is also the excuse many a gay man's "straight" friends have given after a night of two beers and seven to ten blowjobs... you do the math...)...

Yep, I've definitely passed into the NSFW world, haven't I? Oh well, it's worth it to share a few of my favorite pictures with those who will truly appreciate them.

And just looking at the ones I've posted today, you can see I have a WEALTH of pictures to use for the MY FAVORITE CAPTION CONTEST.

Like the guy in the pic above... with the sock around his cock and the cross around his neck...



Okay, I was excited when I heard that the upcoming Broadway musical version of Mel Brooks' YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN was going to keep THE musical number from the film...

Of course, I'm talking about PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ, as sung by The Monster and Dr. Frankenstein.

"That's FrAH-kun-steen"

And I loved hearing that one of songs in the first draft of the show was entitled THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE BRAIN.

I mean, if that song is sung by a large group of men and one of them is wearing a t-shirt that says "Stew Pot," I just might fall out!

Then, I was friggin' giddy when I learned that Frau Blücher...

...played in the musical by the wonderful Andrea Martin...

...sings a song called HE VAS MY BOYFRIEND!

But this little snippet of a "review that's not a review" from Seattle's THE STRANGER has me inches away from buying a ticket and flying to see one of the pre-Broadway performances...

"The audience was also volubly appreciative of Megan Mullally (of Will & Grace, here playing Dr. Frankenstein's fiancée and singing the hell out of "Deep Love," her homage to the monster's cock)"

"...her homage to the monster's cock..." I love it!!

God bless you, Mel Brooks. God bless you!

Now, how do I get my hands on the sheet music to DEEP LOVE before some other Chicago homo starts singing it. Hmmm...

P.S. Check out the rehearsal interviews with the cast here.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Theatre Quote of the Day

Don Hall from today's post on AN ANGRY WHITE GUY IN CHICAGO discussing yesterday's announcement that The House Theatre's hit show, THE SPARROW, will reopen once again, this time in Chicago's Apollo Theatre, in a production bankrolled by BROADWAY IN CHICAGO...

"I will point out that The Sparrow went from the Viaduct to the Steppenwolf Garage to Broadway in Chicago.

"If they're not careful, they'll soon be performing in the Burt Reynold's Theater in Sarasota, Florida for people eating Chicken Marsala for $15.00 a plate."


Anybody want to take a little stroll through the Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest this Saturday?

I just found out that my uber-talented, good friend Alanda will be singing a song from her next show, SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD, which is being produced by Bohemian Theatre Ensemble.

Here's the info...

The Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest (GAAF) is a free, weekend-long event that features artists, open studios and live entertainment on three outdoor stages. Painting, fiber arts, jewelry, pottery and other art forms will be on exhibit. Experience art, theater, music, as well as food and drink, on the cobblestone streets of Glenwood Avenue Arts District in Chicago’s historic Rogers Park neighborhood.

The Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest takes place in the Glenwood Avenue Arts District on Chicago’s North Side, in the heart of Rogers Park, on Glenwood Ave., 6900 – 7000 North (between Farwell and Lunt) and the 1400 block of Morse Avenue, steps from the Morse Ave stop on the CTA Red Line. Outdoor fest and many art studios are handicapped accessible.

Alanda and Boho go up on the South Performance Stage at 1:45 p.m.

Who's with me?

And what song from that incredible Jason Robert Brown score will Alanda be singing?


I hope it's STARS AND THE MOON!!!

Bill Moyers on Karl Rove

This is today's Quote of the Day from Bill in Exile and once again, it's too perfect not to share with anyone and everyone.

Taken from last week's BILL MOYERS JOURNAL...

"Karl Rove figured out a long time ago that the way to take an intellectually incurious draft-averse naughty playboy in a flight jacket with chewing tobacco in his back pocket and make him governor of Texas, was to sell him as God’s anointed in a state where preachers and televangelists outnumber even oil derricks and jack rabbits. Using church pews as precincts Rove turned religion into a weapon of political combat — a battering ram, aimed at the devil’s minions, especially at gay people.

It's so easy, as Karl knew, to scapegoat people you outnumber, and if God is love, as rumor has it, Rove knew that, in politics, you better bet on fear and loathing. Never mind that in stroking the basest bigotry of true believers you coarsen both politics and religion."

- Bill Moyers

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Spidey- Boy Sings 9 TO 5

Okay, who cloned me?

Well, it's either that or somebody got in the Wayback Machine with Sherman and Mr. Peabody, tracked me down as a little boy in East Tennessee and recorded this video to thrill and delight future YouTubers.

How else can you explain this clip of The Cutest Living Boy on Earth wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt and singing / lip syncing to Dolly Parton's 9 TO 5?!?

Okay, I was never THIS cute and when I was the age of this child, the song 9 TO 5 was about 5 years away from being written, but I think I've found a kindred spirit here.

Watch this little guy. I especially love his furious "typing" at the beginning of the song and the way he really gets into singing the lyrics, "CRAZY if you let it" and "OUT to get me!" Genius!

He gets a little lost looking into the camera in places and he may appear to lose the lyrics here and there, but as Norma Desmond said, "We didn't need dialogue; we had FACES!"

And with a face this cute, talent and charm radiate from him even when he's just standing still!

The Shoes Make The Batman

I just discovered a great new comic book / fanboy blog - - Kung Fu Rodeo - - and after reading this post, I am in need of 16,800 yen, STAT!

Yeah, yeah - - you twinks have your cute, white Pumas, but they ain't nothing compared to pair of these crazy-assed Batman Shoes from Japan...

Even the box they come in is kick-ass...

Here's the question: I think these shoes are so friggin' great - - there's a black & white version if you don't care for the Technicolor version - - but would I ever get laid again if I wore these walking through Boystown?

I mean, would the Homos just look at me and start humming Dionne Warwick's "Walk On By?"

Or would these psychedelic Bat-Shoes soon be resting across the broad shoulders of a hunky, gay fanboy with a thing for shaved-headed cabaret singers?

I can dream, can't I?

Lance's Shelly Stories

I hope that Lance doesn't mind me posting this here, but he left this in the comments in my post about the upcoming film version of NINE and it is WAY too funny not to be shared with as many people as is humanly possible!

Lance wrote...

In the original cast of NINE was a lady named Shelly Burch. She sang "Unusual Way."

Well... she is from orlando and moved back there in 2002. I was in a play with this crazy ass bitch in 2003. Girl, that bitch is insane! I love her but she is NUTS.

Story 1: there was a 21 year old hotty in our cast and she looked at him one night backstage and said, "god what i wouldn't give to bend over this piece of wood and have you shove your cock in me!"

Story 2: she showed up in our dressing room one night, with out a bra and only panties with a question to ask me about 1776.

Story 3: she was on stage, ON STAGE! oh yeah, i should mention, this was a children's show, and she is about to sing a song and she scooted forward and her dress scooted up with her. the man on the front row noticed and she noticed he noticed and said and i quote, "hey mister, this is a children's show, you shouldn't be looking at MY HOOCH!"

Story 4: same scene different night, the little girl playing the lead was on stage (with) mrs. certifiable and screws up her line. crazy looks at the child and says, completely out of character, "don't worry munchkin they don't know you fucked up."

Story 5: opening of act 2, party scene at the barn dance, yes the barn dance, i am on top of a platform and cuckoo for cocoa puffs walks out and up to me, puts her hand on my crotch and says into a hot mic, "looks like your packing a big one in that holster tonight!" and begins to sing!

Story 6: after show met and greet. one of the biggest agents in town comes to see the show. the deranged diva walks up to him and says "if you sign me you'll find out that singing and acting are not my only talents." then she licked her lips.

Story 7: backstage ready to enter, mic on, "my pussy itches!"

THE BITCH IS CRAZY! but she CAN sing!

Boys - - I think we've found our new Diva.

Personal Note to Shelly Burch: Shelly, if you happen to find this, I have three things...

A) I am in love with you... hard...

B) I want to act/sing/party/do children's theatre with you, and...

C) Did you bang that 21 year old? Well, did you?!?!?!

Happy Birthday Mrs. Parker

Today is the birthday of Mrs. Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967).

If you've never taken the time to read Mrs. Parker's poetry or short stories, treat yourself to her work. Soon.

To give you a little taste of the her brilliant wit, here is a nice list of my favorite Dorothy Parker quotes and poems...

"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika."

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it."

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."

"Four be the things I'd have been better without:Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."

"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."

"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'"

"It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard."

"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."

And this is my favorite Mrs. Parker poem...

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
- Comment (1937)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

TMI Tuesday

TMI Tuesday #7. And before you read any further, you should know that whoever came up with the questions this week seriously needs to get laid - - big time! For example...

1. What’s the deal with blue balls?

See what I mean? The TMI writer is hardcore horny and doing a lame-assed Seinfeld imitation. Like THAT ever got ANYONE laid. Oy...

What's the deal with blue balls? Well, let's see... hmmm... oh, yeah... they hurt like a MoFo, that's the deal!

Now, get down there and finish the job. Use puppets and Silly String if you have to, but let's make it to the "Happy Ending" already! I'm not laying here for my health, you know!!!

2. What is the hottest vehicular sex scene in a movie?

I hate to say it because it stars Tom "Closet Craz-ay" Cruise, but...

That scene in RISKY BUSINESS with young Tom and Rebecca De Mornay having sex on the EL at night is the hottest!

And since I live in Chicago, it's tempting...

Ever so tempting to try and... recreate...

3. Strap-on? yes, no, give, receive?

One look at my "Toy Box" - - okay, it's more of a "Toy Closet" - - and a question like this is easily answered.

Not that I have a strap-on in there - - I'm not that much of a lesbian Dominatrix... yet... - - but anything that adds to the fun, I say "Bring it!!"

Bring two if they're small.

So, the answer is: Yes. Give. Receive. Request. Demand. Now!

4. What is the average penis length?

One and one half inches shorter than mine.

5. How do you stimulate his prostate? Guys, do you like it?

How do I stimulate his prostate? With anything long and cylindrical that I can get my hands on!!

Yes, for certain men, this does include the occasional Extra Large Thermos.

Do I like it? Baby, pack a lunch and stay in there for the day!!

Note: The "pack a lunch and stay in there for the day" part is where the Thermos comes in very handy.

Bonus (as in optional): Confession Tuesday... tell me a secret!

Okay, here's my little secret: I'm blonde.

No, it's true. Check it out...

Nothing says "Future Homosexual of America" quite like white knee socks with brown dress shoes.

Add the canary yellow shorts with matching v-neck pullover and you can spot my Kinsey number a mile away.

Oh, I miss my blonde hair.

Hell, I miss my hair.

"I Need You For My Film"

I didn't know about this. How did I not know about this?!?

Rob Marshall - - the genius who was robbed of a Best Director Oscar for his work on CHICAGO - - is bringing NINE to the big screen!

For those of you who don't know, NINE if the 1982 Tony Award-winning musical version of Fellini's 8 1/2 with music and lyrics by Maury Yeston and a book by Arthur Kopit.

Of course, those of you who don't know, probably don't care, but trust me on this one: Rob Marshall directing a musical starring one tall, dark and smoking hot man alongside SCORES of beautiful women - - it's a Showtune Queens Paradise!

And the while Marshall's "first picks" for the lead female roles are sexy enough to make a straight man buy a ticket to a musical on Opening Night, check out the man who's been offered the lead role of Guido Contini...

Javier Bardem.


What I wouldn't give to play Carla... writhe all over that man and sing...

"Who's not wearing any clothes? I'm not!"

P.S. My buddies at Porchlight Music Theatre are producing NINE this coming season. After their incredible success with RAGTIME this year, you definitely should make plans to check out their production of NINE

Perhaps Porchlight might cast a shaved-headed blogger as Guido Contini. I know I can pass for "nearing 40" (don't say it...); it's the "Italian" part that my smooth-chested-self will have to work on!

Monday, August 20, 2007

American (Broadway) Idol


That reality show where the Danny and Sandy from the next Broadway revival of GREASE! were going to be cast by "You - - The Television Viewer!"

Well, the Kathleen Marshall-directed revival opened last night on The Great White Way and even though the reviews are all saying it "bites the wienie, Riz", with $15 million dollars in advance ticket sales, I doubt they any of the producers are rushing to post a closing notice anytime soon.

Still, this little piece from the New York Post review did make me smile...

"The main trouble with the elected stars, Laura Osnes and Max Crumm, seems that the kind of chemistry between them could well discourage hydrogen from getting together with oxygen to make water."

Science jokes in the Entertainment section?!?


The New UnderToys Boys

Look who jumped on the ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? bandwagon and is recognizing just how cool UnderToys truly are...

I just got an email from International Jock introducing some of the new lines they will be carrying and there it was - - UnderToys!

As their blurb says...

"Nothing is more playful than a pair of UnderToys! Feel like a kid again while having a romp in underwear inspired by video games, toy soldiers, superheros and just plain having fun."

"Plain having fun," indeed. Check out the International Jock UnderToy models and the IJ descriptions of each style.

IJ: "The UnderToys Camo Trunk includes 3 embroidered general's stars on the elastic waistband, and an extraordinary camouflage fabric created from soldiers, airplanes, gunsights and more."

There's a "tickets to the gun show" joke in here somewhere...

IJ: "The UnderToys Invaders Trunk includes 3 embroidered spaceships and your current high score on the elastic waistband, and fabric crawling with alien invaders and a defending space ship."

He's so cute and hunky. Like an extra in a movie with only one line - - "I didn't ask for the anal probe."

IJ: " The UnderToys Super Hero Trunk includes a yellow waistband made to look like a belt with the addition of satin belt loops, and a red and blue body design that looks like a pair of super hero briefs."

Hey DC Comics - - THIS is what I call "Superboy-Prime!" Yum...

IJ: "The cars and helicopters decorating the UnderToys Pinstripe Trunk and the police badge on the waistband were inspired by early action/driving video games like Spy Hunter."

I never noticed the police badge on the waistband before. "Hey, officer. Search me. I might have something on me!"

IJ: "The UnderToys Skywars Trunk includes an embroidered pilot's wings on the elastic waistband and a lively fabric decorated with airplanes, flying saucers and jets engaging in aerial combat."

There's only one thing to say about this boy...

And Sinatra sang it best...

"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me"

Now, my biggest problem is figuring out which one of them is My New Imaginary Boyfriend.

Choices... choices... choices...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #6

So many BRILLIANT caption submissions this week! It was hard to pick a winner, so for the first time, I'm going to give out a "First Runner Up" shout out. case the winner this week cannot fulfill his or her official duties and all that...

The "First Runner Up" is Philip who, for some reason that he and I still can't figure out, cannot post a comment on "AYTBIMS."

FYI: "AYTBIMS" is the shortened version of ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? IT'S ME, STEPHEN - - like you didn't know that. If anyone can take the letters AYTBIMS and find a great anagram for this little blog, I'd be forever in your debt.

Philip emailed me this "First Runner Up" Submission: "They will know we are Christians by our calf tattoos."

Check out the picture again. You'll love what Philip has come up with.

But the winner this week is not the mysterious Eric - - no three-peat for Eric. This week's winner is fab-U blogger Shirley Heezgay who wrote...

"Roger bravely disrobed to provide a visual definition of 'Fat Skinny Guy.'"

Love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! Especially since my last bf WAS "Fat Skinny Guy."

Not this EXACT "Fat Skinny Guy" from the pic. But the resemblance between the one in the picture and the one I dated IS uncanny. Isn't it, Master Aaron?

Well, in a departure from superhero (and wannabe superhero) pics, I offer this piece of brilliance for this Week #6. This one is especially for Mike...

Lots to look at and lots to write about, huh?

Damn, I love a boy in a singlet. Two boys in singlets is even better. And when one of them has his head... well... never mind...

Give these boys a caption. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, August 24th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

Saturday, August 18, 2007

You're A Mean One, Mr. Rove

On last night's THE LATE, LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON, Craig had this to say about Karl Rove's recent resignation...

"I think he's leaving now so he has plenty of time to steal Christmas."

I think Craig is onto something here. Even that song, YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH, can be applied to Mr. Rove.

This set of lyrics really brings it home for me...

You're a foul one, Mr. Rove.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Rove.

The three words that best describe you,
are as follows, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

Friday, August 17, 2007


I'll admit it. I was wrong.

I should have stuck with my initial impression of this Lisa Marie / Elvis project: "uber-silly" and I hate it.

I know the money is going to a good cause and maybe - - maybe! - - I can sit through the song and tolerate Lisa Marie's less-than-Presley-perfect voice, but this video, in a word, SUCKS!

Babies in cribs with guns and fake tears running down Lisa Marie's face?!?

Lisa Marie, your father wore bejewelled pant suits with huge collars and capes with gold lamè eagles printed on them and HE was more subtle than you are in this video!

You don't have to prove every point with a sledgehammer.

'Nuff said.

Watch... if you dare...

My Adult Film Star Name

Well y'all, once again, The Great Internet Guru is proved to 100% right on the money!!!

Your Adult Film Star Name Is...

Dickimus Maximus

And before you even try, I'm booked for this weekend, but you can put your name on the list and I'll make sure you get some "special time" with Dickimus Maximus as soon as possible.

But be careful what you wish for... you may not be able to handle it!

Thanks to David at HELL IN A HANDBAG for introducing me to this great Adult Film Star Name Generator!