Monday, November 30, 2009

"Oh, the Humanity! THE HUMANITY!!!"

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been extremely busy...

Preparing for SOC's Chicago theatre community holiday party, getting this year's Larry Sloan Awards ready, rehearsing my number in tomorrow's Chicago AIDS Quilt Songbook, arranging my schedule to fit in all the people who want to audition for Bohemian Theatre Ensemble's production of "Hello Again"...

...And just an FYI: If you have the balls - - the elephant-sized, comedy balls - - to audition for the Michael John LaChiusa musical "Hello Again" by singing Neil Diamond's "Hello Again," I will cast you on the spot. I don't care what my fellow co-director says. That would be fucking funny!!!...

...but I had to take minute to inform you and/or warn you about...

Lady Gaga's Christmas Song.

It's called "Christmas Tree," and you can download it right now for free at

Listen to it and I think you'll agree that... this is one of the 7 signs.

The Rapture is upon us.

Jesus is coming.

Hide your stash and try to look busy.

Thanks to Jody for the heads up on the Gaga song. Or should I even say "Thank you" when my ears are bleeding? Hmmm...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

"As God as My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly"

Here it is. The only episode of television you will need to watch today.

"WKRP in Cincinnati" and their "Turkeys Away" episode. Less Nessman's report from the shopping mall is a classic.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

"Whizzer Going Down!"

I hope that everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving and a hearty meal shared with loved ones.

See? I told you Thanksgiving was hot.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

"Who Threw That Ham at Me?!?"


I'm warning you motherfuckers...

Anybody - - and I mean, ANYBODY - - who lobs another ham and hits Paula Deen in the face, I will kick your ass!

I will knock you into next week and meet you on Tuesday with a prescription because you will need drugs to kill the pain!

Don't mess with Paula Deen!

Don't you blaspheme up in here!

"Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"

The Onion. Oh, how I love the Onion. They just get it.

The get how ridiculous certain topics are. Like those who are against gay men playing professional sports.

I just wish the gay men playing professional sports in this country would come out of the closet while they're still actually playing the game.

Coming out after the fact is just... I don't know... a little too "sad trombone" for me.

Good for Ship's Captain for coming out while he's still running the race. 'Atta girl!

First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

"Blind Prostitutes... You Really Have to Hand It to Them"

I mean every word of this ecard. Seriously.

I can totally flag left with a red hanky.

It's not always on the right side, you know.

Sticking your hand's up a bird's ass, turkey basters...

Thanksgiving is HOT!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

"Like the Dew on the Daisy Fresh Plucked Off the Chain..."

In addition to searching every inch of the internet in my effort to find a replacement charger for my Edsel of a Sprint cell phone, I've been rehearsing for my return ("It's not a comeback, it's a RETURN!") to the AIDS Quilt Songbook this year.

Once again, I'll be singing George Howe's sensational song, "You're So Gay."

My performance of the song last year was hailed in the Chicago Tribune as a "campy delight" - - two words that I have since adopted as my drag name...

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the former Miss Wisteria Lane, Miss Campy Delight!!!"

I loved singing George's song last year, and I can't wait to sing it again on World AIDS Day, December 1st. To quote Elaine Stritch...

"Acting is like taking the train,
and singing is like flying."

Sure, sometimes when Elaine sings it sounds like a frog belching while moving a rake across a chalkboard, but still, it's singing. I think...

Friday, November 20, 2009

"We Can Ride It Together. Uh-Uh!"

"Islands in the stream,
that is what we are.

No one in-between.
How can we be wrong?

Sail away with me
to another world

And we rely on each other.

From one lover to another.

Just cause...

"What's a Gaywad?"

I've been on a Nick and Nora kick lately, re-watching all of "The Thin Man" movies over and over.

One moment that sticks in my head from "Shadow of the Thin Man" has Nick taking Nora to a wrestling bout. One of Nick's fans, Meatballs Murphy, a hot dog vendor, gives her a free hot dog as "'a weddin' present!"

They're sitting beside a man named Spider Webb, who weighs 3 pounds if that. Spider just got out of jail and introduces Nick and Nora to his girl, Lana, a woman who looks like she ate Nell Carter for lunch. Lana says to Nick and Nora...

"Any friend of Spider's is a friend of mine."

At this, Nick looks at Nora and says...

"Baby, you've arrived."

That's exactly what I thought about 10 year old Will Phillips when I was watching "The Daily Show" last night. When Jon Stewart is talking about you and you have professional wrestlers coming to your aid, "Will, you've arrived."

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Gaywatch - Peter Vadala & William Phillips
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Unhappy, Darling?"

I saw "The Addams Family" musical last night (more on that later) and one of the themes throughout the show is the balance of happiness and sadness in our lives.

The idea that to understand pleasure, you have to have experienced pain.

(Something my nights at the Hellfire Club being covered in hot wax taught me well.)

Nathan Lane as Gomez sings a song in the second act that sums this up beautifully. A sweet, tender song. And strange as it may sound, it reminded me of one of my favorite Dolly Parton quotes...

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

I love her for that quote and for this video. And for many, many other reasons.

Well, apparently the video from CNN doesn't want to embed. Check it out here.

"It's Such a Good Feeling..."

I just saw this quote over at the Faceplace and I couldn't agree more...

"It makes me feel like hearts are coming out of my head."

- 4 year old on "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood".

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"With All Due Respect, Ma'am, You Can Go Jump Off a Bridge."

Just when you think that America has jumped the shark...

That "We the people" has morphed into "Me, Myself and I" because "Greed is good" and "He who dies with the most toys wins"...

That a majority of citizens can ban together and take away or deny a minority their inalienable rights...

A young man like 10 year old Will Phillips comes along and reminds us of our values, our principles, our core belief in "liberty and justice for all."

If you havn't heard about Will and his refusal to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance in class until everyone in this country has equal rights - - until gays and lesbians are given the right to marry - - watch the video below. He was interviewed on CNN.

Will is a bold and brilliant person. And his dry and logical way of looking at the world points out just how silly certain arguments are. He makes me laugh.

Maybe we haven't jumped the shark after all...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"Warm Leatherette"

I'm the first to admit that I've walked around in public dressed in clothes (many of them made of leather) that left very little of me private.

Yeah, that's it.

That mental picture that just flashed through your mind? That's the one. That's the outfit I'm talking about.

I've worn that and many different variations on that theme.

Bizarre, absurd, trashy outfits made of leather, Lycra and liquid latex. Clothes that Bob Mackie would design for Cher to wear to a watersports party at a sci fi, Ren Faire.

I've worn them all, and I've worn them without shame.

But y'all... This guy...

Wearing your Captain America costume just to buy the new Star Trek movie at Walmart?...

That's fucked up.

Unless you're Reb Brown. Then or now. Reb can dress like Captain America any damn time he wants to!!!

Hell, Reb almost made that see-through, plastic Cap shield work. Almost...

Monday, November 16, 2009

"I Am a Pez Dispenser AND I'm in the Abnormal Psychology Textbook!"

My left eye is still a little bloodshot, I cut the back of my head as I shaved it last night and I have a feeling that my last minute job evaluation didn't go all that well. I need a laugh.

Thank God Jimmy Fallon asked Carrie Fisher to be a guest on his show and to also perform a small piece of "Wishful Drinking" in a separate segment.

Live performances from Broadway plays featured on his television show? Hmmm...

Do you think Jimmy might be gay? No, that can't be true. Jimmy can't be gay.

I'm sure lots of straight guys fantasize about Taylor Lautner being their proctologist.

Ummm, actually... That's not a bad idea. Enjoy...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

"And It Burns, Burns, Burns..."

Since early Friday morning, I've been dealing with / suffering through an eye infection that was so intense at times, the slightest light would burn and cause me to cry like I was Carrie Prejean being inappropriately interviewed by Larry King.

Whenever I ventured outside with my hoodie over my head, I'm pretty sure I looked like this...

Which is just a cape, a staff and a Bedazzler away from THIS...

Actually, I have a novelty "Pope Hat" (thank you, Alanda and Steve). I should have put it on, slipped into a gold lamé, thrift store, 80's prom dress, set my purse on fire and tried to sell the Vatican before someone figured out that I, unlike the Pope, have never been a Nazi.

That would have been fun, but I honestly could barely function. Because as bad as I'm sure that I looked, this is EXACTLY how I felt...

Horrific, isn't it?

Seriously, Kathleen Turner has really let herself go!

What IS that around her neck? A cut-up, deflated bicycle tire? Oy...

Luckily, I'm almost back to my old self.

Whatever the Hell that is...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

"Beauty and Pleasure Are All We Can Hope to Understand"

I just returned home from rehearsing the song I will be singing for this Monday's Homecoming Benefit & Revue for Porchlight Music Theatre.

I'm singing "Venice" from William Finn's "Elegies," and if you live in or near Chicago, I STRONGLY recommend that you come to this event.

Not just to hear or see me (necessarily), but because the caliber of talent Porchlight has brought together for this benefit is outstanding.

I am truly honored to be on stage with these performers. And I am both honored and thrilled to have been asked to perform by Walter Stearns and Eugene Dizon - - two amazing and talented men who have been fantastic friends to me.

This is a group of us ten years ago, some time during the 27 week run of "Falsettos."

I'm the one with the baby face, back row center. Ten years of musical theatre sure can age a person, can't it?

Seriously, if you live nearby, this is the show to see. I am overwhelmed at the roster and thrilled to be a part of it. And of Porchlight's phenomenal 15 years.

"This Beat is Sick"

Finally, a product to help us make it through Lady Gaga's 15 minutes of fame.

Because, if you're like me, every time you hear even a snippet of one of her songs, you have to race to the bathroom. STAT!

It's what my mother calls "The Green Apple Quick Steps."

With this product, you can show Lady Gaga exactly what you think of her "Poker Face."

I suggest that you keep at least one Lady Gaga song in your iTunes.

For those times when you don't have any coffee or bran muffins in the house.

Now, will someone give Lady Gaga a ride on their "disco stick" (whatever the Hell that is) so this bitch will shut the fuck up and go away?

She just keeps coming back. Like roaches. And Madonna.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

"I've Had Two Years to Grow Claws, Mother! Jungle Red!"

Philip uploaded this amazing picture of him on Facebook a few days ago. In addition to himself, he tagged me in the picture too.

He tagged me because Philip knew that I would LOVE his Wolverine costume. And I do. He looks incredibly hot. The perfect Super Tuesday pic.

And as for those claws, Philip...

From this angle, they look very "Ribbed for HIS Pleasure."

Am I right? And if so, can I borrow them?


Monday, November 09, 2009

"Stupid Callous Homophobic Hateful Legislation"

My good friend Ruth sent this to me today.

It was fitting that the woman whom I will forever associate with a parody of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" entitled, "I Am Deli, I'm a Jew!"...

"I slice salami for the whole west side.
"I got the business from an uncle who died. (Uncle Shlomo)

"I make potato salad, cole slaw too.
"I am deli, I'm a Jew"

...was the first person to send this parody song to me.

I say "first" because I sincerely hope this video goes viral...

...That's what the kids say, right? Viral? And the videos "go" viral. And going viral is a good thing. Apparently...

...Remember when every form of the word "virus" was not just bad, it killed your friends, and yet Ayds was the name of a candy bar that helped you lose weight?!? Oy...

...because I think it's a brilliant parody. Extremely funny because it's so damn TRUE!

Sunday, November 08, 2009

"Lather Up with Leia and You'll Feel Like a Princess Yourself!"

"I wasn't promiscuous ever. I just hit a certain group pretty hard."

- Carrie Fisher

I always knew Carrie and I had a lot in common.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

"What in the Hell is a Lady Gaga"

When my mother said that fateful, brilliant, hilarious sentence a couple of months ago ("What in the Hell is a Lady Gaga?"), I didn't know what to say to her.

I still don't.

Then again, I never understood the fascination with Madonna. If you can't sing the intervals in "Sooner or Later," then I'm not impressed.

And before you click "comment," take a moment and remember the 1991 Oscars telecast when Madge sang that Sondheim "Dick Tracy" song live and proved to the entire world that she CAN'T sing those intervals.

That said, Madonna is a genius when it comes to entertainment, image and reinvention. And, from the little I've seen and heard, it seems like Lady Gaga (Doesn't that sound like someone's AOL screen name from 1992?!? Oy...) has Madonna's gift for shock and spectacle, as well as an incredible voice. A voice she knows how to use quite well.

Still, give me Ella's "This Foolish Things" over Lady Gaga's "Disco Stick" any day. I may enjoy one of Lady Gaga's songs occasionally, but an entire album? I don't think so. Unless...

Unless that album of Lady Gaga's music is recorded by Chrisopher Walken. Just watch the clip below and hear his reading of "Poker Face." It's outstanding.

So I'm thinking someone needs to start producing the full catalog of Lady Gaga's music as read by Walken. Stick that on iTunes and I'm buyin'. Release it fast enough and my Christmas shopping is over before its begun!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

"Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now!"

Before you bitches even THINK it, yes I've worn that Riddler costume before.

But if you think that I only jump into Frank Gorshin's pants on All Hallow's Eve, you are SADLY mistaken.

Come on. Do you know how many guys have an I'm Batman" fantasy? Well, I don't either, but over the last few years, I've been keeping a tally and it's well into double digits. And that's just in a 5 block radius from my apartment!

And while I would love to be the Boy Wonder for a Dark Knight - - the Dick under a Bruce - - seeing Robin stroll down Halsted St. with Rorschach on Halloween would have been a little too "Seduction of the Innocent" for even my kinky mind.

But Rorschach and The Riddler? An anti-hero and a somewhat reformed super villain? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

And yes, before I could even ask my riddle, you've answered it correctly - - that's Bryant in the Rorschach costume. He was a sensational Rorschach. People were turning around, pointing, totally freaked out by his costume and his portrayal.

He was so Jackie Earle Haley, he scared the piss out of a number of passersby. Literally.

One group of queens saw him and just lost all control down there. As luck would have it, they all were dressed like the little girl on the Morton's Salt container, so their yellow, rubber boots contained most of their accidents. After a few minutes, I'm sure it just felt like Tuesday night at the Eagle to them.

You know, now that I think about it, it's possible Bryant didn't scare them. That might have been part of their Halloween act. Those homosexuals are so clever, aren't they?


Tron, however? Bryant scared the piss out of Tron!
Just look...

The poor guy totally short-circuited the entire bottom half of his Tron outfit.
Otherwise known as his, "I'm Wearing 2010's Over Done Costume in 2009, Bitches!"
Great idea. Cool costume.

When I was a kid, I was so technically and artistically lame, my Lite-Brite always looked like a broken Etch-a-Sketch, and this zygote turns himself into Tron with some parachute pants and a couple of glow sticks. Son of a bitch...


And you know, I'm not sure if Bryant scared the piss
out of the girls on the roller coaster or not...

...because they were too happy to worry about anything!

They had the coolest and most awe inspiring costume of this or any Halloween!

Other than the Riddler / Rorschach combo, of course...

Monday, November 02, 2009

"Oh, My Goodness!"

I've had Paul Lynde on the brain today. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because Halloween always makes me think of the "Paul Lynde Halloween Special," that landmark of 70's television.

Maybe it's because I have several clips of Paul's "Hollywood Squares" zingers that randomly pop up on my iPod's shuffle mode.

Or maybe it's because I simply stole directly from Paul in "Macabaret" and delivered one of my lines ("Always a Paul Bearer, never a corpse.") using my best Paul Lynde snarly laugh talk.

Whatever the reason, it brought me to this poem of his. Read it while doing your best Paul Lynde impersonation. Don't have a Paul Lynde impersonation? Use your Alice Ghostley voice. It's the same thing. Really.


I don't know what to say
A tulip talked to me today

I was trimming the hedge
Quite near the mountain ledge

When lo and behold
My blood ran cold

Yes, a tulip SCREAMED at me today

It was my favorite, the one I call Blanche
She puckered up her petals and screamed AVALANCHE!

Yes, a tulip saved my life today

Now you may not think this quite so much
But you see, most tulips speak Dutch.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

"How You Doin'?"

I love Joel McHale.

Love, love, LOVE Joel McHale.

And when he makes fun of both Oprah AND Wendy Williams in the same clip, everything is right with the world.

P.S. Has anyone every lit a Slim Jim like Wendy does in this clip?

And no, that's not a euphemism for something dirty.

At least I don't think that it is.

"Yes! Yes! Say it! He Vas My Boyfriend!"

This is an ad for Eastern Bloc, a trendy, hipster gay bar in the East Village.

The man on the right in the picture is Benjamin Maisani.

And when gay marriage becomes legal, he might possibly change his name and become Mrs. Anderson Cooper.

Yep, Benjamin is Andy Coopy's boo.

The lucky bitch.

Who's the lucky bitch? BOTH OF THEM! Come on!

Benjamin has scored the hottest and funniest man in TV journalism and Anderson has landed a buff, built, bar owner who could only look better in that Aquaman t-shirt if he took the fucking thing off!

I have to admit that I was pissed when I learned that Andy had a boyfriend, but anyone who loves Aquaman is, as my grandmother used to say, "good people."

So, I've given the couple my blessing.

And Benjamin gave me his.

Here we are in a late night photo.

It's a candid shot. He was giving me a breast exam.

I thought I looked good that night. This picture proves me wrong.

Remind me never to shoot Goldschlager again.

Congratulations to Anderson and Benjamin.

I'm waiting for your sex tape with bated breath.

(Funny... "bated"...)