Friday, November 30, 2007

Fratboy Friday

Thank God it's Fratboy Friday...

I know what you're thinking. But trust me, look up from his crotch. See? He's wearing a cap.

I didn't notice it the first 27 times I looked at this picture either.


I got nothing. No quippy comment. No smart-assed remark. He's. Friggin'. Hot.


So natural. Just two guys, hangin' out... with their butts... hangin' out...

Is that a map of Texas on the left cheek of the guy on the right? God, I love the rednecks.

I wish he would turn around so we can see if everything really is bigger in Texas.


We don't see the alcohol, but we know it's there. Why else would there be a guy wearing bubble-wrap shorts and junk in a Super Gulp cup?

Now, do you understand why I buy that size of Diet Coke every day? In case this dude stops by apartment, he's got to have something to wear.

Katie! Stop the Insanity!

I just found this on AOL News.

Why was I browsing through AOL News? I enjoy slumming.

One look at an assortment of my tricks over the past few years is proof of that.

And speaking of bad hook-ups, check out what marrying Tom Cruise has done to Katie Holmes' hair.

Where did she get her inspiration for this hair doo? Britney's first wig?

Katie looks the after birth from a Donna Mills and Liza Minnelli fuck session in the scissor position. She looks awful.

Which proves one of two things.


1) Tom Cruise really IS straight, because no gay man would EVER let their beard go out in public looking like that, or...

2) Tom Cruise is that horror of horrors: A gay man with really bad taste.

I'm going with #2.

2 Sets of 20 at 3160

Look who's at 3160 tonight, appearing with the fabulous Amy Cole and Jeff Roscoe.

It's a "kinda pixelated" (lick me, Jeff Roscoe) Stephen Rader.

Why am I announcing this so late?

Well, with LYLE rehearsals and World AIDS Day coming up and with Jeff's different projects, we haven't had much time to rehearse.

Actually, we haven't had ANY time to rehearse.

So tonight, after my Season of Concern meeting, I will rush home, throw some music in a binder and walk over to 3160 for my two 20 minute sets.

God only knows what will happen.

Luckily, I talk - - a lot - - on the mic and as Alex and I have said in the past...
"Twenty minutes? That's like one song, right?"

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Belinda Carlisle, Crotch and Bea Arthur: The Homo Trinity

Check out the pics from Hydrate on the night Season of Concern's Disco Ball event.

These are currently being featured in Nightspots.

Y'all, I'm in the "Pictures of Gay Boys Out and About" section of a gay. At 37. And I don't own a white belt sport a faux-hawk. There's hope for me yet!

Thanks to Thomas for telling me about this.

The SOC pictures are the top four.

Yes, that's Belinda Carlisle.

Yes, she still dances like that.

No, she's not pregnant.

Yes, I'm her bitch.

That's all I can say.

And Kirk - - otherwise known as "hey, i'm that guy from the magazine" - - wrote a little blurb about me in his section of Nightspots...

"Good to see Miss Stephen Rader at Hydrate for the Disco Ball to benefit Season of Concern. Diligent little paparazzi that we are, both CFP’s Dave and I got there too late for the show, but we caught plenty of spectacle afterwards. Stephen is pushing for a resurgence of that classic ol’ Nightspots nugget Crotch or Bea Arthur. It may need a new twist. Be on the lookout for your next installment of Armpit or Rue McClanahan coming soon to a bar rag near you."

What is "Crotch or Bea Arthur?," you ask? Well, for quite a few months, you would be flipping through your weekly Nightspots mag and on a random page, you would find two pictures placed side by side - - one of Bea Arthur and one of a crotch - - with a simple caption that asked, "Crotch or Bea Arthur?"

It's an age-old question, really.

That small portion of one page of the mag looked something like this...

Crotch or Bea Arthur?

Kirk came up with the idea and I think he should receive a Nobel for it. What could possibly surpass "Crotch or Bea Arthur?"

"Armpit or Rue McClanahan?" Maybe, but Kirk, may I submit...

Treasure Trail or Betty White?

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

With World AIDS Day only a few days away, I have shifted into over-drive at Season of Concern.

Add to that the fact that the children's show that I'm rehearsing right now - - Lyle, Lyle Crocodile with music and lyrics provided by the insanely talented George Howe - - opens in two weeks and you'll understand why I am on the verge of a Britney breakdown.

You know, where I go nutballs one night and shave off all my hair...

Oh... no... I just realized... I've already passed the first stage of Spears insanity! Years ago!!

If you see me walking towards a car with a large umbrella, cancel my appearance on the VMA's. Or at least convince me wear something other than a belly shirt. Please!

But even though things are hectic, I had to take a moment to post this video, because I never thought I would live to see the day when Dolly Parton and Amy Sedaris would come together on screen.

Yes, THAT Dolly and THAT Amy. No joke. It's wonderfully bizarre. Especially if you think that Dora Lee from 9 TO 5 and Jeri Blank from STRANGERS WITH CANDY are becoming friends at long last.

Or even more brilliant - - imagine Truvy meeting Piglet.

The mind reels...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Fagin Has Never Looked Hotter

I love it when my talented friends receive the promotion and praise that they deserve.

I also love it when I scroll down my iGoogle page and the first item under's news features the last name of my good friend and fellow blogger Alexandra Billings.

Alex is pure talent. She's appeared on GREY'S ANATOMY, ER and toured in her one-woman show BEFORE I DISAPPEAR. Her performance in that show remains, to this day, one of my favorite nights in the theatre.

I didn't know her when I saw it and I was thrilled to not only get to know her off stage, but to also share a stage with her during her live concert cd, THE STORY GOES ON...

I remember the first night I sang at The Gentry when Alex was watching. If finished my song, handed the mic to Alex and she complimented me on my performance.

I believe it started with "Wow." A "Wow" from Alex is better than a rave in the Trib.

That's when I knew I was good. If someone as amazingly gifted as Alex thought I had "it," then I had "it." No question.

Alex is about to open in the Drama Desk-nominated musical Twist at the Avery Schreiber Theater in North Hollywood from December 1st through the 30th.

If you're in LA during the run, make sure you see Alex's performance. She truly is magnificent.

As a performer and as a friend.

Congratulations, Alex! Break a leg!

P.S. Alex - Is Brandon Ruckdashel single? Does he like bald bloggers? Just asking...

I've Got Your Double Gulp Hangin'

Every morning, I go into the 7-Eleven around the corner from my building and buy a Double Gulp filled with Diet Coke.

And nearly every morning, some jackass makes a comment about how big it is.

My favorite so far was the woman who said...
"Never drink anything bigger than your head."


But after today's comment from some random homo in the elevator with me, I've decided upon the response I will give to anyone who thinks I give a flying fuck about their opinion of my drinking habits.

From now on, when someone says, "Wow, that's a really big soda," I will reply...

"You think this is big, you should see my cock."

That'll shut 'em up. Or get me a date. Either way, I win.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

TMI Tuesday

A very sexually informative TMI Tuesday. Just the way I like 'em.

1. Are you a member of the mile high club?

Does "making love alone" count? No? Then, I have yet to achieve membership.

Not for lack of trying.

2. What is the most public place you have ever had sex?

Here's where I lose some of my "faint at heart" readers.

The most public place I've ever had sex was in a house. Under construction. In Wicker Park. About a block from North Avenue. On a Friday night. With several people walking by who definitely knew what we were up to.

How did they know what we were up to? Well, when you're naked, going at it "four ways to Tuesday" and there are, as yet, no walls on said house under construction, it's easy to see in.

3. What is your most embarrassing family moment?

When my parents separated and I had to walk into my middle school and tell my friends why I had been out of school for two weeks.

I handed the separation and divorce like the adult that both my parents needed me to be at age 12, but having to tell everyone the truth about my less-than-ideal family life was embarrassing, humiliating and made me, for some reason, feel like a huge failure.

4. What kind of birth control do you use?

The kind where I don't have sex with vaginas.

5. Have you ever had sex in the snow? Rain?

Never in the snow or in the rain proper, but there was a dark afternoon storm going on outside the playroom of a well-versed leather man a few years ago.

You've never really experienced a great leather sex scene until there's rain pounding on the windows, lightening striking just down the block and thunder shaking you in places you didn't even know existed anatomically.

Bonus:Describe your flirting technique

My flirting technique? These days? You're reading it.

"You Found WHAT In His Closet?!?"

Friends often ask me if I would like to set up some sort of arrangement where, if something happened to me - - say I was in an accident and I'm in the hospital and unconscious or something - - that they would have a key to my apartment so they could "straighten up the house"... so to speak.

In other words, they would go into my "toy closet" (again, it's not a "toy box" it's a "toy closet" - - I take my play time VERY seriously) and they would remove anything that might cause me public embarrassment. Or that might throw my parents into cardiac arrest.

But I always refuse those kind offers. The way I see it, I don't want to remove those items - - I want to put them in the middle of the room and focus huge spotlights on them.

"Give the people something to talk about," I always say. It's the white trash boy in me.

This video says it all...

Major Drug Bust - Watch more free videos

"You Ever Dance With The Devil In the Pale Moonlight?"

Ain't It Cool News just posted this cover of Empire Magazine featuring Heath Ledger as The Joker for this summer's big Batman movie, The Dark Knight.

I wasn't sure about Ledger as The Joker at first, but after the initial creepy clown face image hit, I became intrigued.

And now, this image of The Clown Prince of Crime has me not only intrigued, but also slightly turned on.

Yes, I said, "turned on."

Let's face it, a creepy guy with green hair, plaid socks and messed up clown make-up - - I've done worse.

Hell, I've BEEN worse.

Who wants to join me on Thursday, July 17th for the midnight first screening of THE DARK KNIGHT?

If you sit next to me dressed as Robin, I'll DEFINITELY make it worth your while!

My New Imaginary Boyfriend

Look what RobOrange over at Seduced by the New... just sent me.

I love it when new friends know me so well that they can pick out a New Imaginary Boyfriend for me with such ease.

Looking at this boy, I feel just like Julie Brown.

You know, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid!"

Wouldn't it be great if Mr. Abs here didn't speak? He just grunted. A lot.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Disco Ball, Y'all

Friday's Season of Concern event at Hydrate was wonderful!

We may not have packed the place with people, but several friends - - old and new - - came by to put a little money in the collection can for Season of Concern, load up on cocktails and trade tryptophan remedies.

And how can you have anything but great time with cutie-patootie Philip greeting you at the door!!

P.S. Philip added an uber-fabulous vest to this ensemble later in the evening. With all his costume changes, he was officially declared "Cher for the Night" which pissed off more than one drag queen, let me tell you!

Thanks to Philip for working the door.

No, he didn't "work the door" in the dirty sense. Although, he's so cute, I'm sure a few people wished he had.

The lovely Doug from over at I Get That A Lot and our mutual great friend, talented actress, singer and fundraiser extraordinaire Karen joined in the festivities.

Doug and Karen both attend every Season of Concern event. And if they're not attending an event for Season of Concern, that's usually because they produced it, sponsored it or are performing in it! They are the life-blood of our organization. Thank you, Karen and Doug, for all that you do for SOC!

And thank you to Dan for always being there to help out and to Hydrate's very own Eric for putting together this event for Season of Concern, organizing the alcohol sponsorship, creating all of the promotional materials, etc.

You're the best, Eric. I greatly appreciate all you do for SOC!

And last but not least, thanks to Catty Bitch for poking his head in for a hug and a "Hey, girl!" and thanks to ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? commenter Rob for attending and saying hello!

You Chicago boys need to know: Rob is a catch! Tall, dark, handsome, funny and very nice.

What am I saying? No, guys. You don't want Rob. Not at all. Leave him to me. Or I'll cut you!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #19

I didn't realize just how perfect Week #18's Caption Contest Picture was until I was stuffed with Thanksgiving turkey and dressing and Corn Pie, but the image of this woman, her baby-to-be, her knife and her cigarette kept flashing back in my mind during my food coma. She's brilliant!

And so were all of the captions y'all submitted! Brilliant, hysterical and cut-to-the-bone funny, but it was CB - - the author of one of my all-time favorite blogs (and blog names) The Mangina Monoluges - - who provided this winning caption...

"Thay say 'Virginia Slims', but thay ain't a-workin'."

How many times have I heard someone in my family say THAT?!? Way too many times to count!!!

It reminds me of my mother always buying the Girl Scout "Thin Mints" because, as she says...

"Thin Mints. Them are the diet cookies, ain't they?"


Back to gratuitous man candy for Week #19's Caption Contest Picture...

Why, oh why, did I not join the wrestling team in high school?

Come to think of it, if this is what guys did on the wrestling team, why was I called a Chorus Fag?

Sure, I sang showtunes, but I never cupped another guy's balls.

Well, not in the middle of a concert, anyway...

Give 'em a caption, y'all. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

Good Morning

What's better than waking up at the same time as this hot man?

Waking up BEFORE this hot man. So you can just watch him. Or take advantage of him

Or watch as you take advantage of him.

So many... possibilities...

"I'm right here, always near
Alway lovin' my dear sleep man"


Friday, November 23, 2007

Fratboy Friday

That post-Thanksgiving tryptophan got you down? Well, Fratboy Friday might get you back up.

And if not, it will definitely give you something other than "visions of sugar plums" to dance in your head during your dreams.

Here's this week's...

If this is what awaited you at the laundromat, doing laundry wouldn't be such a chore, now would it?

I was going to say something about this dirty boy trying to get clean, but just look at the way he's holding that "Xtra" between his legs. He's letting you know "what lies beneath," so I like this dirty boy just the way he is.


Sure, this guy isn't a "sagger" in the sk8ter boi sense of the word, but who really gives a damn?

Check out the guns and the hairy chest. Think he'd get into a scene where I played Jean Grey and he played Wolverine and I used my mind control to...

...I'm sorry... I'm back now... Isn't it scary when the horny side of me and the geek side of me combine? If you find it exciting and not frightening, CALL ME!


Other than the exposed ass on Lifeguard boy, this is one bizarro picture.

For instance, check out Doogie Howser with the paddle looking more like he wants to lick this guy's butt instead of paddle it. At least ATTEMPT to hide your homo lust while paddling the pledge, dude!

Or guy in the jacket with reflective stripes taking a picture of the mooner boy's junk. 'Atta girl!

But the best is the sign in the back. "Deaf Person Area" If that's a straight person's attempt at kitschy indoor decor, they failed miserably. And if this is actually a fraternity for the deaf, those motherfuckers know how to party! Why didn't I learn sign language?

And last but never least...


Today's youth. They just put it right out there, don't they? God bless 'em.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Love & Best Dishes

It's a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.

It's lightly snowing here in Chicago, Dolly Parton was on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and my apartment is filled with the smell from my oven - - the signature dish I bring to every potluck - - Paula Deen's Corn Casserole.

Which, in certain circles is now known as Rader's Corn Pie.

(Yankees know nothing about corn casserole, apparently.)

I'm staying in town for the holiday and I've had several invitations from friends to celebrate Thanksgiving with them, but since my friend Eric is only a short bus ride away, I'm going to eat with him and his family, then come back home and watch last night's PROJECT RUNWAY one more time.

Sarah Jessica Parker, y'all. Sarah friggin' Jessica Parker!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. And as Paula always says...
"I wish you Love and Best Dishes from my kitchen to your's."

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Starbucks (Heroin-Laced) Penguin Holiday Cookies

I'm not a big Starbucks fan. I'm not a trendy, coffee shop guy in general.

First off, there are WAY too many choices for me, and when "Tall" is the smallest size available on a menu, my brain goes to that PC blue screen of death.

Also, I just don't get the point of GOING to a coffee shop to work or play around on a laptop. It's a little too "Look At ME! I'm Writing and Chatting and I'm SO IMPORTANT That I Can't Be Away From My Computer For More Than One Hour Or I Will Just DIE!"

Even Aquaman has figured out how to deal with his need for water every hour without looking like a douche bag in public.

One day, I'm going to get up the nerve to purchase one of those huge, old Smith-Corona electric typewriters, lug it into a Starbucks or a Caribou, slam it down on a table, plug it in and just go to town on the keys, so that those loud-assed typing pins interrupt everyone and everything. Then, when the whole room is staring at me, I'll shout in my best Jeri Blank voice...

"What are you lookin' at?!?"

All that aside, I fell in love with their holiday cookies last year. They are incredibly sinful and so addictive that I am certain they are laced with heroin. Or at least, some good Whitney Houston smack.

So, on my way home tonight, I stopped into the Starbucks on Broadway and Roscoe to see if their holiday cookies were available. And they are. Last year, they were shaped like snowmen. This year, they're penguins.

And each Starbucks Penguin Holiday Cookie costs One Dollar and Eighty-Five Cents!

$1.85?!? For a friggin' cookie?!? Sweet Mother of God!

I almost asked the barista to kiss me.

I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked.

And to add insult to raping-me-for-all-the-money-I-have, the twinkie clerk with the chunky glasses and the lisp that stretches from here to Kenosha was uber-snooty and pretentiously bitchy to me.

All I could think as I walked out was that line from ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS...

"You only work in a shop, you know. You can drop the attitude."

Shirtless Superheroes and Rock Hudson's... errr.... Lovers?

I've had a subscription to INSTINCT MAGAZINE for a long time now and I love it for a number of reasons...

...not the least of which is that it recently introduced me to Blockade Boy: The Comic Book Fashion Blog. If you're not reading Blockade Boy, you're not living life to it's fullest...

...but items in the two most recent issues made me squeal like 7 year old girl getting her first BRATZ doll

First, the latest issue has a great article promoting one of my favorite comic book blogs, Shirtless Superheroes by Jay Pandesal. It's a blog filled with scans of, you guessed it, hot, hunky shirtless superheroes!

As Jay says in the INSTINCT article...

"I started the blog to show that the mainstream comic book industry isn't all about tits and ass. There's plenty of eye candy for fangirls and gay fanboys out there, too!"

Any man who gives us scans of Superboy having his shirt blown off...

Oh, Kon-El... We hardly knew ye...

...or Batman naked on a stasis bed deep inside Apokolips...

Get out of the way, Bekka! Bruce, put your leg down!

...deserves high praise, recognition and an award that says, "Thanks for 2-d man candy!"

Well done, Jay. Congrats on the article!

The other great INSTINCT item came from last month's interview with Armistead Maupin.

The interviewer asked if it was true that Armistead was a lover of Rock Hudson's. Mr. Maupin's response caused me to burst out laughing on the 146 bus. He said...

"That’s the British—they keep using that term.

"I was a fuck buddy of Rock Hudson’s…
it wasn’t exactly an elite club!"

THAT is why we love Armistead Maupin!


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

TMI Tuesday

It's TMI Tuesday during the week of Thanksgiving, so you know what one of the questions is going to be, right?

1. what's the sexiest gesture a woman can make?

She can introduce me to her gay brother who thinks I'm hot, has penis like a python and says things like, "Who needs turkey on Thanksgiving. Let's say home and fuck."

Not that I don't find women sexy. I do. I just don't deign to know what a woman's sexiest gesture might be. For that, ask my father.

Of course, my father wouldn't think of a woman's sexiness in terms of "gesture." He'd probably just say "huge tits" and call it a day.

2. what are 3 inevitable things about you?

1) I live in chaos. I can try to categorize things, label my life, put everything in their proper drawer and color code my closet but at the end of the day, I thrive in chaos.

2) No matter what miracle product may hit the market, I am going to be bald for the rest of my life. And if you don't like bald men, you've obviously never had my freshly shaved head rub against your balls. Everybody comes back for that.

3) Before I die, I will move back to Tennessee. If something happens before I move back, I will be buried there. And if any of you bitches even THINK of burying me here in Chicago, I will haunt your asses. And it won't be like TOPPER. I'll be full-out POLTERGEIST!

3. what do you want . . . . now?

A boyfriend. And a best friend. Preferably, the same person.

4. what asset do you have besides the physical and the material?

"Besides the physical and the material?" You mean, I HAVE assets that are either physical or material? Who knew?

My asset, I believe, is my humor. I may go overboard at times, but I went from being a kid who wouldn't talk to anyone and who no one knew to finding my humor, finding my voice and finding my opinions. And with that came the ability to, little by little, not give a good goddamn what other people thought about me and my opinions.

Not caring what other people think is hard for everyone, but when you're a Southerner and an actor, it's nearly unheard of not to care if people like you or don't like you. But I'm getting there. Bit by bit.

5. describe a sexy mind.

Anyone who knows that fantasies are fantasies and allows sex to go wherever it wants to go without judgement or condescension.

And in my experience, it's always been the guys who look like they were members of their high school math club who have the sexiest minds.

If you've never had sex with someone you think of as a "geek," try it. Trust me. They will flat throw you down and take you to places you didn't know you could get to on a Sealy Posturepedic.

Being a comic book geek, I know this to be true. We're Number Two. We try harder.

Bonus (as in optional):What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

That's a toughie this Thanksgiving. I'm not in a good place emotionally, so it's hard to count my blessings this year.

But I have blessings. They are my friends who fill my life with light. They are my family who fills my life with love and laughter. And I am also blessed to be able to do what I fell in love with doing when I was 19 years old. Acting, singing, performing.

I'm thankful for that.

Good Morning

"Good morning starshine
The earth says hello
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below..."

Speaking of twinkling below, sure there's no fitted sheet and the mattress is laying on the (exquisitely) tiled floor, but you know it's a good morning when you wake up with a man like this and the first thing he does is start getting out of his tighty-whities.

I would prefer it if he would sleep in nothing but that smile, but hey, I'm easy.

Very easy. Please, make sure he knows that.

"Gliddy glub gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo..."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Seven Score and Four Years Ago

On this day in 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered The Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the Soldiers' National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

Less than 300 words so perfectly chosen that they resonate with us today. With our troops. And our struggle to hold our nation together and restore our rights and our freedoms.

Somehow I doubt that Dubya's "Fight 'em over there so we don't have to fight 'em here" or his "Mission accomplished" will inspire future generations.

I can only imagine what they will think about us....

"So, he stole the election, lied so that the country would go to war, did away with habeas corpus, tortured prisoners and no one noticed because some redneck singer shaved her head, hit a car with an umbrella and gave a lackluster performance on an awards show? Seriously?"

"Yeah, well... you had to be there."

The Gettysburg Address...

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

"Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

"But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. "

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Wayland Flowers & Madame 2.0

Doug over at I GET THAT A LOT emailed me this. He knows me so well.

I never believed there was a Gay Mafia until now, but obviously there IS a Gay Mafia and they are EXTREMELY powerful.

Why else would you able to purchase THIS at JC Penny's?!?

Doug said that this is "For the gay who has everything..."

Well, I don't have "everything" - - not by a long shot - - but this has definitely jumped to the top of my Christmas Wish List.

And when I get it, I will spend months in my apartment having My Personal Carol Channing Coll lip sync "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," "Jazz Baby" and this Carol Channing number from THE DEAN MARTIN SHOW.

Dear Lord, I miss Variety Shows!

Melanie Leads. Stephen Follows

THE ONION just released this story...

...which is particularly funny to me, because if Melanie Hutsell had never been on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, I probably would never have moved to Chicago.

You see, Melanie attended the University of Tennessee at Knoxville a few years before I did. The story that I heard about her rise from UTK grad to SNL cast member goes something like this...

She moved to Chicago with a friend and hadn't auditioned for anything for months. Her friend convinced her to go to the audition for the Annoyance Theatre's production of THE REAL LIVE BRADY BUNCH. Melanie was cast as Jan Brady and her friend and fellow UTK grad was not cast, became discouraged and eventually moved back to Knoxville.

THE REAL LIVE BRADY BUNCH was a monstrous hit in Chicago and Melanie's Jan Brady was a stand-out. When the production moved to off-Broadway, Melanie was noticed by the folks at SNL and became a featured player for two years and then a full cast member in her third year.

When Melanie first hit SNL, I was still at UTK. In the theatre department. Just like Melanie had been a few years prior. So, it isn't hard to understand why so many UTK grads from that time period moved to Chicago. No one we knew in New York was working and Los Angeles may as well have been Guadalajara to us rednecks, but Chicago...

All you had to do was look at Melanie and realize, A) move to Chicago, B) get cast in the first show you audition for, C) that show becomes THE hit of the year, D) the show moves to New York, and then E) you become a cast member on SNL.

So, that's why I moved here. Oddly enough, that plan didn't work out.

And it's times like this - - weeks like this week, days like today - - when I'm so sad and depressed, that I regret the move, regret my choices, regret my current predicament.

But I know it will pass. Chicago is my home. I'm not quite how long it will remain my home, but it has definitely become home to me.

All because of Melanie Hutsell.

P.S. I don't know if one of the SNL writers came up with it first, but I have a hunch that the DELTA, DELTA, DELTA girls - - one of which was Melanie - - was created by Melanie as a rip on all of UTK's sorority girls.

Our sorority girls were as dumb as a box of hair. With a bow in it.

I remember reading OEDIPUS REX in one of my theatre classes and when the professor asked for our initial reactions to the play, the sorority sister sitting beside me with huge hair covered in a myriad of bows said this - - and this is an actual quote...

"Bless poor ol' Oedipus's heart.
Marries his mama, pokes his eyes out. Just bless him!"

Saturday, November 17, 2007

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #18

Tons of brilliant responses again this week, but I had to go with a frequent winner of ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?'s My Favorite Caption Contest for this week's winning caption.

Because Eric once again created comic gold out of the plain and simple truth...
"His picture looked better online, but he has a huge cock."

Why are all the guys with huge cocks always bottoms? And if you have a huge cock and you're not a bottom, WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME?!?

Brilliant caption, Eric. As always.

Now, onto the picture for this week's Caption Contest. It's a little bit different than the soft core gay porn that I usually have for the contest, but this picture just spoke to me... on so many levels.

Y'all, she's pregnant, she's smoking and she's wielding a large knife with that look on her face that's half MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN and half Glenn Close screaming, "I'm not going to be IGNORED, Dan" from FATAL ATTRACTION.

And no, this not a picture of one of my relatives. Sure, it COULD BE one of my distant cousins, but I don't think that it is.

So, give the girl a caption. I'll give this one about a week for submissions.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. I'm going to go get pregnant, smoke and eat cake.

"Got any other Old English heroic epic poems we can greenlight?"

BEOWULF: THE MOTION PICTURE! is now playing at a theatre near you, and I could care less.

I love Robert Zemeckis' work, his films and his innovation, but unless "Mad" and "Hell" from DEATH BECOMES HER are appearing in BEOWULF as "Grendel" and "Grendel's mother" (respectively), I am sure the the film version of BEOWULF will bore me to tears.

Not that I've actually read it.

Rarely do I allow myself to be so Republican in my thought... know, how they always say, "I don't HAVE to watch that movie to KNOW that it's offensive!" Ummm... yeah... you kinda DO...

...but since the woman who taught me to appreciate literature hates BEOWULF, I am deferring to her judgement.

Mrs. Nesbitt, who I talked about in one of my posts a little while ago, hated BEOWULF with a passion and refused to teach the epic poem, even though it was a part of our core curriculum.

So, when it came time to read BEOWULF, instead of giving us the assignment to read it, she said...

"This is BEOWULF. Guy kills a monster. Kills a monster's mom. The end."

That was it. That's all we had to know about BEOWULF.

And I'm pretty sure that our test on BEOWULF was just one question, "Tell the story of BEOWULF," and we all answered...

"Guy kills a monster. Kills a monster's mom. The end."

THAT is why I worship (notice the present tense) Mrs. Sandra Nesbitt. So, in her honor, I will not be attending any screening of BEOWULF today or in the future.

Cause I know how it ends.

Still, if Zemeckis had chosen to bring THE SOUP's version of BEOWULF to the big screen, I would have been waiting in line on opening night. Right beside Mrs. Nesbitt. And Erin Moran.

Friday, November 16, 2007

"Atta, girl!"

It's official. The date has been set.

And with it, I will probably be making my first ever trip to Los Angeles, so that I can see it!


Dolly Parton's musical version of
"9 to 5" is set to open at the Center Theatre Group's Ahmanson Theatre in Los Angeles on Sept. 21, 2008.

According to the article I read...

The musical will star Allison Janney in the Tomlin role, Stephanie J. Block in Fonda's part and Megan Hilty in Parton's role as a sexy executive secretary.

Franklin Hart will be played by Marc Kudisch. And the director is Joe Mantello.

Joe Mantello, y'all! The man who directed WICKED! Most recently, he directed THE RITZ at the Roundabout.

This musical is in SUPREMELY good hands. Great hands, in fact.

And according to the Center Theatre Group artistic director Michael Ritchie...

"I will say this about Dolly Parton, she is unbelievable in her (theater) skills. She really understands the Broadway idiom. It's this great mix between her own personal style and sort of a classic Broadway show. The score sounds great."

I can't wait!

You know if this show moves to Broadway that there will be a Tony Award ceremony in the very near future which Dolly will host alongside rows of rows of chorus boys who will open the show by singing...

"Hello, Dolly. Well, hello Dolly.
It's so nice to have you back where you belong!"

Thanks to That Skinny Blonde Chick for telling me about this! You're the best!

As for the title of this post...

Fratboy Friday

It's been a long, but very fun week. Time to kick off the weekend with Fratboy Friday.

roborange over at Seduced by the New... sent me this extremely hot boy...

...and in his email to me he asked, "What does that plug behind him go into?"

I know there's an answer to that question that contains an extremely slutty "plug" joke. Any suggestions?

Thanks for the pic, Rob.

You know you've got killer abs when you can pose in a picture with garbage in the background and no one cares because you're so friggin' HOT!

This boy is so smokin', he can pull off that white belt AFTER LABOR DAY! That's somethin'!

And by "pull off that white belt," I do mean, "take off that belt and spank me with it 'cause I've been a bad boy."

Damn. The weekend can't come soon enough.

"Hey, dude. 'Sup?"

"Nothin', bro. Just hangin' with my ass out."

Any straight boys who do this in front of homosexuals need to be told...

"Warning! Do Not Write Checks That Your Ass Can't Cash!"

And my favorite Fratboy Friday category...


Straight boys. Jockstraps. Alcohol. Duct tape.

Otherwise known as "Homo Heaven."