"And It Burns, Burns, Burns..."

Since early Friday morning, I've been dealing with / suffering through an eye infection that was so intense at times, the slightest light would burn and cause me to cry like I was Carrie Prejean being inappropriately interviewed by Larry King.

Whenever I ventured outside with my hoodie over my head, I'm pretty sure I looked like this...




Which is just a cape, a staff and a Bedazzler away from THIS...



Actually, I have a novelty "Pope Hat" (thank you, Alanda and Steve). I should have put it on, slipped into a gold lamé, thrift store, 80's prom dress, set my purse on fire and tried to sell the Vatican before someone figured out that I, unlike the Pope, have never been a Nazi.

That would have been fun, but I honestly could barely function. Because as bad as I'm sure that I looked, this is EXACTLY how I felt...

Horrific, isn't it?

Seriously, Kathleen Turner has really let herself go!

What IS that around her neck? A cut-up, deflated bicycle tire? Oy...

Luckily, I'm almost back to my old self.


Whatever the Hell that is...

"Beauty and Pleasure Are All We Can Hope to Understand"

I just returned home from rehearsing the song I will be singing for this Monday's Homecoming Benefit & Revue for Porchlight Music Theatre.

I'm singing "Venice" from William Finn's "Elegies," and if you live in or near Chicago, I STRONGLY recommend that you come to this event.

Not just to hear or see me (necessarily), but because the caliber of talent Porchlight has brought together for this benefit is outstanding.

I am truly honored to be on stage with these performers. And I am both honored and thrilled to have been asked to perform by Walter Stearns and Eugene Dizon - - two amazing and talented men who have been fantastic friends to me.

This is a group of us ten years ago, some time during the 27 week run of "Falsettos."

I'm the one with the baby face, back row center. Ten years of musical theatre sure can age a person, can't it?

Seriously, if you live nearby, this is the show to see. I am overwhelmed at the roster and thrilled to be a part of it. And of Porchlight's phenomenal 15 years.

"This Beat is Sick"

Finally, a product to help us make it through Lady Gaga's 15 minutes of fame.

Because, if you're like me, every time you hear even a snippet of one of her songs, you have to race to the bathroom. STAT!

It's what my mother calls "The Green Apple Quick Steps."

With this product, you can show Lady Gaga exactly what you think of her "Poker Face."

I suggest that you keep at least one Lady Gaga song in your iTunes.

For those times when you don't have any coffee or bran muffins in the house.

Now, will someone give Lady Gaga a ride on their "disco stick" (whatever the Hell that is) so this bitch will shut the fuck up and go away?

She just keeps coming back. Like roaches. And Madonna.

"I've Had Two Years to Grow Claws, Mother! Jungle Red!"

Philip uploaded this amazing picture of him on Facebook a few days ago. In addition to himself, he tagged me in the picture too.

He tagged me because Philip knew that I would LOVE his Wolverine costume. And I do. He looks incredibly hot. The perfect Super Tuesday pic.

And as for those claws, Philip...

From this angle, they look very "Ribbed for HIS Pleasure."

Am I right? And if so, can I borrow them?

Frequently?

"Stupid Callous Homophobic Hateful Legislation"

My good friend Ruth sent this to me today.

It was fitting that the woman whom I will forever associate with a parody of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" entitled, "I Am Deli, I'm a Jew!"...

"I slice salami for the whole west side.
"I got the business from an uncle who died. (Uncle Shlomo)

"I make potato salad, cole slaw too.
"I am deli, I'm a Jew"

...was the first person to send this parody song to me.

I say "first" because I sincerely hope this video goes viral...

...That's what the kids say, right? Viral? And the videos "go" viral. And going viral is a good thing. Apparently...

...Remember when every form of the word "virus" was not just bad, it killed your friends, and yet Ayds was the name of a candy bar that helped you lose weight?!? Oy...

...because I think it's a brilliant parody. Extremely funny because it's so damn TRUE!

"Lather Up with Leia and You'll Feel Like a Princess Yourself!"

"I wasn't promiscuous ever. I just hit a certain group pretty hard."

- Carrie Fisher

I always knew Carrie and I had a lot in common.

"What in the Hell is a Lady Gaga"

When my mother said that fateful, brilliant, hilarious sentence a couple of months ago ("What in the Hell is a Lady Gaga?"), I didn't know what to say to her.

I still don't.

Then again, I never understood the fascination with Madonna. If you can't sing the intervals in "Sooner or Later," then I'm not impressed.

And before you click "comment," take a moment and remember the 1991 Oscars telecast when Madge sang that Sondheim "Dick Tracy" song live and proved to the entire world that she CAN'T sing those intervals.

That said, Madonna is a genius when it comes to entertainment, image and reinvention. And, from the little I've seen and heard, it seems like Lady Gaga (Doesn't that sound like someone's AOL screen name from 1992?!? Oy...) has Madonna's gift for shock and spectacle, as well as an incredible voice. A voice she knows how to use quite well.

Still, give me Ella's "This Foolish Things" over Lady Gaga's "Disco Stick" any day. I may enjoy one of Lady Gaga's songs occasionally, but an entire album? I don't think so. Unless...

Unless that album of Lady Gaga's music is recorded by Chrisopher Walken. Just watch the clip below and hear his reading of "Poker Face." It's outstanding.

So I'm thinking someone needs to start producing the full catalog of Lady Gaga's music as read by Walken. Stick that on iTunes and I'm buyin'. Release it fast enough and my Christmas shopping is over before its begun!

"Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now!"

Before you bitches even THINK it, yes I've worn that Riddler costume before.

But if you think that I only jump into Frank Gorshin's pants on All Hallow's Eve, you are SADLY mistaken.

Come on. Do you know how many guys have an I'm Batman" fantasy? Well, I don't either, but over the last few years, I've been keeping a tally and it's well into double digits. And that's just in a 5 block radius from my apartment!

And while I would love to be the Boy Wonder for a Dark Knight - - the Dick under a Bruce - - seeing Robin stroll down Halsted St. with Rorschach on Halloween would have been a little too "Seduction of the Innocent" for even my kinky mind.

But Rorschach and The Riddler? An anti-hero and a somewhat reformed super villain? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

And yes, before I could even ask my riddle, you've answered it correctly - - that's Bryant in the Rorschach costume. He was a sensational Rorschach. People were turning around, pointing, totally freaked out by his costume and his portrayal.

He was so Jackie Earle Haley, he scared the piss out of a number of passersby. Literally.

One group of queens saw him and just lost all control down there. As luck would have it, they all were dressed like the little girl on the Morton's Salt container, so their yellow, rubber boots contained most of their accidents. After a few minutes, I'm sure it just felt like Tuesday night at the Eagle to them.

You know, now that I think about it, it's possible Bryant didn't scare them. That might have been part of their Halloween act. Those homosexuals are so clever, aren't they?

****

Tron, however? Bryant scared the piss out of Tron!
Just look...

The poor guy totally short-circuited the entire bottom half of his Tron outfit.
Otherwise known as his, "I'm Wearing 2010's Over Done Costume in 2009, Bitches!"
Great idea. Cool costume.

When I was a kid, I was so technically and artistically lame, my Lite-Brite always looked like a broken Etch-a-Sketch, and this zygote turns himself into Tron with some parachute pants and a couple of glow sticks. Son of a bitch...

****

And you know, I'm not sure if Bryant scared the piss
out of the girls on the roller coaster or not...

...because they were too happy to worry about anything!

They had the coolest and most awe inspiring costume of this or any Halloween!

Other than the Riddler / Rorschach combo, of course...