A gay actor / director / fundraiser / cabaret singer / lesbian-esque guitar player from the hills of East Tennessee, living in Chicago and looking for... wait... what is it I'm looking for again?
I saw "The Addams Family" musical last night (more on that later) and one of the themes throughout the show is the balance of happiness and sadness in our lives.
The idea that to understand pleasure, you have to have experienced pain.
(Something my nights at the Hellfire Club being covered in hot wax taught me well.)
Nathan Lane as Gomez sings a song in the second act that sums this up beautifully. A sweet, tender song. And strange as it may sound, it reminded me of one of my favorite Dolly Parton quotes...
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."
I love her for that quote and for this video. And for many, many other reasons.
Well, apparently the video from CNN doesn't want to embed. Check it out here.
Now, before any of you homos get on the warpath about Cracker Barrel not hiring gays and lesbians, let me just say this - - the biscuits. Have you had their biscuits?
Seriously though, I think that the "don't hire gays and lesbians" issue was years ago, but if not, how long do you think they can keep us out if they have pink, Dolly Parton rocking chairs out in front of the restaurant?!?
Their corporate offices may not like the gays, but if you partner with Dolly, you get the 'mos. In DROVES!
I just have to figure out how to go back home, buy my Dolly Parton pink rocking chair and get it back to Chicago before Pride this year. All the fags will be SO JEALOUS!
While I figure that out, here's Dolly's first video diary. God, I love this woman!!!
As you can see from the image to the right, I spent more than a few months of my life celebrating Ms. Parton's music in an award-winning cabaret show that I created entitled, "Dolly Would!"
I loved the show, I loved singing her music, but most of all, I loved the abs I had then. Wow.
I remember life without pizza and ice cream.
So, in honor of Dolly's 63rd birthday, here is my favorite song from her latest album, Backwoods Barbie - - Shinola!
When I was in college, I was dating this guy - - "one of the nameless, faceless many" as my then roommate Matthew used to call them - - and after we'd been going out for about two weeks, he said to me...
"I don't understand it.
There's no dirt on you."
Apparently, in the years B.G. ("Before Google"), this boy would ask around our little gay community to discover your deep, dark secrets.
Maybe he had been lied to by a series of ex-boyfriends. (As the saying goes, "Never trust a man who says, 'Trust me.'") Or maybe he was like my last boyfriend and looking for something he could use to inflict pain.
Either way, it was a less than classy thing to do and an even less classier thing to admit.
I told him that there was no dirt on me. And there wasn't. I didn't achieve the real, juicy "He put what where for how long?!?" kind of dirt that I've come to enjoy and happily accept as my own until I moved to Chicago. Because I knew, as we all know when we grow up in a small town, that people talk.
Small town boys move to big cities so we can get lost and finally be faceless. Being faceless allowed me to wipe the slate clean, to determine for myself who I was, what I liked. I was no longer tied to the beliefs and ideals of my parents. I was becoming my own person. All of my falls from grace and/or failures in judgement may have created the "dirt" that the boy above was searching for, but in Chicago, my life was now mine, chosen by me.
It's easier to defend the choices made in your life when you are actually the one doing the choosing.
I'm sure that President-elect Barack Obama isn't perfect. And unlike my former college-age self, I'm sure that Obama has done things in his past that others can and will condemn. But that's human. We all are less than perfect.
But everytime the Right Wing Hit Squad tries to dig deep into Obama's life to find the major media skeleton that they dream of using against him, it always makes me think of that old boyfriend of mine.
Because they try and try to find dirt and there is none. Which is frustrating to them and also says everything you need to know about who they are.
...Thanks to all those who emailed me to let me know that Dolly was going to be Ellen's guest. Unfortunately, my TiVo once again chose to record the wrong channel. I'm not speaking to it until it apologizes and buys me a nice dinner...
Ellen Degeneres: "Your fans have actually said they think you should run for Office some day, that you should run for President. That's how much your fans believe in you. Is that something that you would even be interested in, to run for Office?"
Dolly Parton: "Don't you think we've had enough boobs in the White House?"
'Atta girl! That's why I love me some Dolly!
P.S. If you want to hear some bootleg recordings from the L.A. Premiere of Dolly's musical version of 9 to 5, check out this YouTube channel. Especially the song The One I Love, a beautiful new Dolly Parton ballad.
"'Cause I wanna be your lover I wanna be your friend And I wanna be your full-time woman Closer than your kin I wanna be your satisfaction Be your number one And just when you think I can't love you any better Well, I have just begun 'Cause there's more where that came from There's more where that came from"
That is EXACTLY what I want to say to the boy in Florida.
Well, I made it through April Fools Day relatively unscathed.
Except for the fact that I didn't know that Dolly Parton was on American Idol last night.
And even though I have a "Season Pass" for all things Dolly on my dvr, I apparently have a dyslexic, "Corky from Life Goes On" TiVo and it recorded an hour of The Power Rangers instead of Ms. Dolly and the Idol kids.
But my brother called last night to say his TiVo picked it up and he would send me a tape of the episode soon, so all is well.
Especially after I throw "Corky the Misfit TiVo" out the window to teach it a lesson about screwing around with my Dolly watching.
However, the TMI Tuesday bonus question had a lot of people guessing and I wanted to start the day by letting everyone know that, of the four things about myself, the one that was false is...
2) I was an extra in and can be seen very briefly in the Chicago-based film While You Were Sleeping.
I was an extra in the movie, but I screwed up one of their takes so horribly (long, long story) that I am nowhere to be seen in the picture. Not in the background. Not sinking in the Chicago River. Nothing.
But I do have Jinx's underwear, I did... ummm... "earn" some nice reviews from the Chicago Sun-Times, and even if chewing children's aspirin 24/7 for years as a kid didn't do it, I am allergic to aspirin. So there.
I love that Alanda and Philip knew which one was false. I can hear them saying to themselves...
"Please, if he was in that movie, he'd have 'As seen in the role of "Man at Hotdog Cart" in "While You Were Sleeping"' tattooed on his ass!"
Sure I already have two of the singles from this album on my iPod (You Better Get to Livin' and Jesus & Gravity), but I can't wait to own a Dolly Parton cd with a song entitled Shinola.
Shinola, y'all. Shinola.
And look at Ms. Dolly at age 62. Hotter than ever and sounding spectacular.
Also, tomorrow is the release date for DC Comics newest dvd - - the much anticipated movie version of Darwyn Cooke's award-winning graphic novel, Justice League: The New Frontier.
I can't wait!!
Of course, I might have to curb my spending a bit since I lost my cell phone last night somewhere either before, during or after Jeremy's kick-ass Oscar party.
If it doesn't turn up tonight, I'll have to give a nice chunk of change and a pound of flesh to Sprint. Those bastards.
Thanks to Jeanne for sending me all the info. You better damn well believe I'm going to be there!
Last time she was in Chicago, Philip and I went to the concert in matching baseball shirts. Mine had a "9" on the back and his had a "5" on the back. And on the front of both of our shirts, we were the words...
"I Slapped Ouiser Boudreaux!"
It was heaven!
Here's the info on Dolly's upcoming concert...
Dolly Parton at the Chicago Theatre Friday, February 29 at 8:00pm. Tickets On Sale Monday, December 17 at Noon Reserved tickets are priced at $85 and $60 (plus a limited number of gold circle seats) and will be available at the Chicago Theatre box office and all Ticketmaster outlets. To charge-by-phone call 312-559-1212. To order online, visit Ticketmaster.com.
And as a little incentive to all you Chicago folks who may not want to run out and grab a ticket to Dolly, here's the perfect Dolly Parton song to play on a "cold and stormy night."
This is the sublime, slightly ridiculous and as Dolly herself describes it in the clip, "absolutely pitiful," Me and Little Andy...
P.S. Wow. Dolly Parton tickets. What an excellent Christmas gift!
With World AIDS Day only a few days away, I have shifted into over-drive at Season of Concern.
Add to that the fact that the children's show that I'm rehearsing right now - - Lyle, Lyle Crocodile with music and lyrics provided by the insanely talented George Howe - - opens in two weeks and you'll understand why I am on the verge of a Britney breakdown.
You know, where I go nutballs one night and shave off all my hair...
Oh... no... I just realized... I've already passed the first stage of Spears insanity! Years ago!!
If you see me walking towards a car with a large umbrella, cancel my appearance on the VMA's. Or at least convince me wear something other than a belly shirt. Please!
But even though things are hectic, I had to take a moment to post this video, because I never thought I would live to see the day when Dolly Parton and Amy Sedaris would come together on screen.
Yes, THAT Dolly and THAT Amy. No joke. It's wonderfully bizarre. Especially if you think that Dora Lee from 9 TO 5 and Jeri Blank from STRANGERS WITH CANDY are becoming friends at long last.
Or even more brilliant - - imagine Truvy meeting Piglet.
The musical will star Allison Janney in the Tomlin role, Stephanie J. Block in Fonda's part and Megan Hilty in Parton's role as a sexy executive secretary.
Franklin Hart will be played by Marc Kudisch. And the director is Joe Mantello.
Joe Mantello, y'all! The man who directed WICKED! Most recently, he directed THE RITZ at the Roundabout.
This musical is in SUPREMELY good hands. Great hands, in fact.
And according to the Center Theatre Group artistic director Michael Ritchie...
"I will say this about Dolly Parton, she is unbelievable in her (theater) skills. She really understands the Broadway idiom. It's this great mix between her own personal style and sort of a classic Broadway show. The score sounds great."
I can't wait!
You know if this show moves to Broadway that there will be a Tony Award ceremony in the very near future which Dolly will host alongside rows of rows of chorus boys who will open the show by singing...
"Hello, Dolly. Well, hello Dolly. It's so nice to have you back where you belong!"
I found this Dolly Parton quote in a new YouTube clip and I had to copy it down, because once again, Dolly tells it like it is!
"When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he's looking.
"See, if he's lookin' at my eyes, he's lookin' for intelligence.
"If he's lookin' at my mouth, well he's lookin' for wit and wisdom.
"And if he's lookin' anywhere else except my chest, he's lookin' for another man."
****
Speaking of Dolly, a good friend of mine - - and frequent commenter here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? - - just landed a job at Dollywood for November and December that pays a much better salary than any other Equity contract that could be found in Chicago these days. Congratulations, my friend! I'm so happy for you and proud of you.
Not only does this mean that I'll (hopefully) get into the park for free when I'm back home for Christmas, but it also means that this gentleman and his partner have the good fortune (or bad luck) to be spending the holidays with my family!!!
What are the holidays like with my family?
Well, a few years ago when I was 40 pounds heavier, I walked into my aunt's Christmas Eve party and her first words to me were not "Merry Christmas" or "Welcome home!" No, her first words were...
"My Lord, you've gained weight!"
My mother, ever my champion, immediately countered with...
I am SO EXCITED to announce that a frequent provider of BRILLIANT comments here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? has started her own blog!!!! Today! Friggin' TODAY!!!!
So, be sure to add it to your subscriptions, visit it and give her lots of love. She's wonderful and even though we've never met, I have a deep affection for this woman.
I just found this and there are so many things wrong with it, I can't quite sit still.
This is Clay Aiken singing his version of a song made popular by Dolly Parton, HERE YOU COME AGAIN.
I chose that clip because it's short. I couldn't bear to listen to his ENTIRE version of that song.
What's wrong with it? Well... let's see...
1) It sucks.
2) He's in what Sally Mayes refers to as "Singer Land." He's up on stage and singing and he's so in love with the sound of his own fucking voice that he isn't even LOOKING at the people in the audience. He's looking OVER the people in the audience. Or THROUGH them. Do us all a favor, Clay: if you're going to perform like this, STAY HOME AND SING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, you narcissistic fuck.
3) It really sucks.
4) Check out the untucked button-down shirt.Know who else used to (and probably still does) dress like that? My ex-bf - - Skanky Bob. And just like Clay, he dressed like that for a reason. Check out Clay when he turns to the side. Clay dresses like that because he, like my ex, is a "Fat Skinny Guy." Gross.
5) It severely sucks.
HERE YOU COME AGAIN was the first big pop-crossover hit for Dolly Parton. She recorded it and that entire album in L.A. - - far away from the country music capitol, Nashville, TN. She was highly criticized for this move, but as Dolly said, "I'm not leaving Country behind, I'm taking it with me."
The success of the song catapulted Dolly into the pop music scene and soon after into movie success with 9 TO 5. When talking about the success of HERE YOU COME AGAIN, Dolly likes to tell the following story...
"People would say to me, 'Well, a monkey could have a hit with that song,' and I would say, ' Well, a monkey did!'"
However, after watching Clay's version, I beg to differ with Dolly. Not just ANYONE can have a hit with HERE YOU COME AGAIN. Clay has proved that.
Yeah, Clay, I said it. Suck it, Clay... and don't you DARE come near my cock!
Check out Dolly's version of the song in a fabulous montage of Dolly pics - - check out the wigs, boys - - CHECK OUT THE WIGS! This is how it's DONE!
As we begin to celebrate Easter, let's take a moment to celebrate the life of a man who made Christmas a little bit happier for all of us.
On Wednesday, flimmaker Robert Clark was driving with his son in Pacific Palisades, CA when they were struck head on by another car. Both of them were killed. The other driver is being investigated for driving under the influence. (full story)
Robert Clark was was the director who gave us the now-classic holiday film, A CHRISTMAS STORY.
He also directed PORKY'S and PORKY'S 2 and I love him for those two films as well.
Don't knock 'em till you've seen 'em.
And if you haven't seen 'em for 15 years, see 'em again. They're friggin' hilarious.
Mr. Clark also directed Dolly Parton and Sly Stallone's film, RHINESTONE.
Again, I love it and again, don't knock it till you've seen it.
So, here's a little piece of A CHRISTMAS STORY with Ralphie in his bunny costume - - a little something that says "Happy Easter" and "Thank you" to Mr. Clark for his incredible films.
"He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny. He does, too! He looks like a pink nightmare!"
I saw "The Addams Family" musical last night (more on that later) and one of the themes throughout the show is the balance of happiness and sadness in our lives.
When I was in college, I was dating this guy - - 
