Friday, July 31, 2009

Fratboy Friday

I have a Fratboy Friday Triple Threat.

One picture that covers three categories...


It's almost like they took this picture
just for me and my little blog.

If only one of them had mooned the camera.
Not that I wouldn't take them just as they are.

But just to keep things balanced,
here are three, count 'em, three...





Oh my... ah-three...

"Square Pegs! Square Pegs! Square, Square Pegs!"

Y'all... My friend Cathy just posted this picture on the Faceplace, and other than the look I have that I thought was "sexy" that comes across more as "drunk, stoned homo," do you see...?

My 1987 High School Mullet!!!

Now, do you understand that it's better that I DON'T have hair?!?

P.S. The shirt I'm wearing fastened ONLY with Velcro. What kind of faggy stripper was I?!?

"I Was Born on the Side of a Hill"

My very good friend, Alexandra Billings, in her latest edition of "Katie's Corner."

Today, Katharine Hepburn teaches YOU how to audition.

And she discusses some of her celebrity friends.

And Depends Undergarments.

Oh yeah...

Go Katie!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

"In the 60's, We Were All a Part of the Same Team"

Look everybody, I "Mad Men"ed myself.

Sort of like Bill Murray in "Ghostbusters" saying "He slimed me." But much, much more fun.

Go here to do it to yourself. "Mad Men" yourself, that is.

I love it. If I ever wore a jacket like that in real life, I'd look like a test pattern. A CinemaScope test pattern.

"Who Will He Bang? We Shall See"

Yesterday, my co-worker at The Actors Fund mentioned that he had picked up the book "Gay and Single... Forever?: 10 Things Every Gay Guy Looking for Love (and Not Finding It) Needs to Know."

I doubt I would have bought a book with that title. I probably would have taken all the copies in Borders, placed them on the floor and pissed on them. But he told me about this quote by Paul Rudnick which is included in the book...

"Being gay and single is the new smoking.
It won't be socially acceptable anymore,
and you will have to go outside."

True. So very true.

It used to be so hot to be gay and single. Now, you're not hot unless you're a couple. Fighting for marriage equality. And pushing a double stroller carrying your daughter, Chew Me, and your son, Hai Fat.

Anybody get the reference to those Asian names? Anyone?

It's not that I don't want marriage equality. I do. It's not that I don't want children. I do. I really do. But why are we trying to emulate the kinds of relationships that have never really worked? Well, not for my parents, anyway.

It just feels like the gay community used to be this hip, trendy restaurant that nobody knew about and yet everybody went there. And for some reason, we tore that restaurant down and we're desperately trying to put an Olive Garden in it's place.

And sure, Olive Garden is okay. But we were so unique. And now, we're striving to be so bland.

I know that's not a popular opinion and it doesn't toe the party line, but that's the way I feel. It's hard being single when you're approaching 40, haven't had a boyfriend in years and 20-somethings treat you like Claude Rains in "The Invisible Man."

It's hard to be a 39 year old, single gay man who has fought for years to have any kind of relationship he wishes to have, only to look up and see your community marching away from you

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"I Bust the Windows Out Your Car"

At the semi-finals for Windy City Gay Idol, a woman took the stage - - and I mean, TOOK the stage - - and started singing this song.

I had never heard it, but I feel in love with it. And with her. Unfortunately, she didn't advance to the finals, but her performance hasn't left my mind.

I'm happy that the writers and producers of Glee are creating this kind of scene. It might be a bit of a departure from the pilot, but it's definitely not the same old same old.

How many CSIs are there now? 20? 50? CSI: Terre Haute?

And you know, maybe if I had busted the car windows of some of my ex-boyfriends, I would still be talking to them today.


"The Old Lush?"

Look what I have.

Steve Schroeder, one of the amazing performers in last Sunday's Season of Concern benefit, was in New York a few weeks ago, and he came back with a gift for me.

Yes, straight men are driven to bring me gifts from afar.

That's how good I am. At certain things.

This is one of the t-shirts available for purchase at the Broadway musical version of 9 to 5.

It's the catchphrase used by 9 to 5's lovable lush, Margaret Foster. A catchphrase that I have adopted and frequently use to encourage behavior that society might look down upon or classify as "harmful and destructive."

With the whole world becoming as interesting, festive and sterile as a hospital ward (I'm talking about YOU, Smoking Ban), it's nice to know there are still some people out there kickin' it old school.

People who actually touch the doorknob on their way out of a public bathroom. People who understand that a two martini lunch and a half-a-joint coffee break are actually GOOD for productivity. People who aren't afraid to lay in the floor and be pissed on.

These are my people. And to them, I say...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

"Here's Your Sign"

Giving away Free Hugs is truly amazing. It's such a wonderful idea. I never thought it could be taken further. And yet...

...this genius of a man has done just that!

This kind, gentle soul has taken the Free Hugs concept ten steps forward. I'm serious about this.

Do you know how much you have to pay a hustler to wrap his body in burlap, cover his head in a Mexican wrestler mask and piledrive you? In the face?!?

Trust me, it's expensive. Much more than I can afford every weekend. That's why I only get the "Mexican Burlap Piledrive to the Face" from Raoul on my birthday and every other Gay Pride Day.

And yet, this beautiful, selfless man is giving them away for free. Sometimes there's God... so quickly...

There are stars in this man's crown in Heaven for the work he's doing.

If I can persuade him to move to Chicago, Raoul will be seriously in need of a real job. Oh well...

Monday, July 27, 2009

"Me and Little Andy"

My buddy Eric Reda just sent me this pic.

I don't know this woman, but I agree with her t-shirt. 100%.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

"It Amazes Me"

She did it again, folks. She surpassed her financial goal. She raised more money than every before.

My friend Karen's cabaret benefit for Season of Concern raised $1,450. In a day. And it's all her.

Tremendous thanks to Karen and to everyone who performed today - - Mark Mavetz, Doug Orlyk, Debbie Roberts, Stephen Schroeder and Lori Skubich. They were knocking their songs out of the park this afternoon and this evening.

And Karen once again chose songs for herself that are challenging both artistically and personally, and as always, she performed them with an ease, a grace and a heart-filled perfection that amazed me.

She always amazes me. Her passion for life and her care for others constantly amazes me.

I am blessed with her friendship.

Much love, Karen. Thank you. You mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

My New Favorite Caption Contest #44

Well, I went another three months without choosing a winner for the #43 Caption Contest.

It's not that it took me that long to decide, it's that I was waiting to stumble upon a picture bizarre enough to follow this one...

"No one had the heart to tell Grandpa
that it wasn't a real boy."

The winning caption came from Nick. Cute, sexy, funny and sadly "partnered with equally cute and sexy boyfriend" Nick Lewis, I believe. Right?

Great caption, Nick. I love it. So funny. Because it's so true.

But what could be more entertaining than a German granddaddy wearing lederhosen with a bright, yellow hanky proudly poking out of his left back pocket? Perhaps this picture that I just found of two attendees of San Diego's Comic-Con this weekend...

I'm not quite sure what this duo is or what it means, but I friggin' love it! I thought the picture I took of Super Grover meeting the Cookie Monster one Halloween was the ultimate team-up pic, but Cookie Monster with Nurse Joker? I have no words.

So, help me out with a caption. And if possible, the name of the genius photographer who snapped this pic.

And if you happen to be that photographer, I wanna party with you, Cowboy...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Fratboy Friday


This guy will just not stop calling me.

My husband is going to be so jealous.

That reminds me, where IS my husband...?



Oh, THERE'S my husband.



You know, there's mooning and then there's
begging for a cavity search.

Okay, okay... Twist my arm.
(Pun sort of intended)



Shooting tequila without lemons.

After a few rounds, the phrase "Lick it, slam it, suck it!"
takes on a whole new meaning.

"Created from the Cosmic Legends of the Universe"

You know you've truly arrived when Google replaces their logo with one they designed just for you and yours.

Sure, major holidays are given their own special Google logo. The anniversary of the Apollo Moon landing just had its own Google logo a few days ago. But yesterday, the geeks inherited the search... engine...

In honor of the beginning of Comic-Con in San Diego, Google had (and still has) this logo for their main search page. And not to be bitchy (who me?), but I truly love that it's an all DC logo.

However, both DC and Marvel characters can be found in Google's second little treat - - a group of different comic book themes for your iGoogle page.

I chose the "Batman Reborn" theme and, unless I'm hallucinating (which, of course, is always a possibility), the pictures on the theme changed overnight.

Last night, I had Poison Ivy. Right now, I have the new, "Who the frack is she" Batgirl.

Sure, it's not San Diego, but I'll take it. I'm easy.

Thanks to Michael M. for pointing this out to me yesterday!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

"Beware My Power, Green Lantern's Light!"

What could possibly be hotter than Ryan Reynolds playing Hal Jordan, a.k.a. the Silver Age Green Lantern?

Christopher Meloni voicing GL in DC's new animated Green Lantern movie, "Green Lantern: First Flight."

Sure, just hearing Mr. Meloni isn't as hot as SEEING Mr. Meloni, but try this...

Do a Google image search for "Christopher Meloni" (with the Safe Search OFF, of course) and save a few of those HOT "Oz" pics to your hard drive. (Hehe... "hard drive"...)

Now, go back and forth between those while watching this clip. It's the first four minutes of "First Flight." And I don't know about you, but imagining Christopher Meloni naked in a flight simulator makes me so happy, I can't even begin to describe it.

And if you really want to lose your mind over Mr. Christpher, watch this old Filmways Green Lantern cartoon. And imagine that you are Green Lantern's helpful sidekick, Cairo, the green-skinned boy from Venus who hangs out with Hal Jordan.

How, exactly, Hal Jordan can possibly keep his secret identity while he runs around with a Venusian boy with green skin named Cairo is beyond me, but suspend your disbelief.

Keep looking at those naked pics of Christopher Meloni, imagine that he's GL and imagine you're Cairo and then, when Cairo jumps on GL's back to fly to the planet, Oa...

Well, I don't know about you, but I would LOVE to be straddling a naked Mr. Meloni.

And I promise that, if I WAS straddling Mr. Meloni, I would DEFINITELY be taking him to another planet.

No ring necessary.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

"Suzanne Was Not Just Any Miss Georgia, She Was THE Miss Georgia!"

Look at what my friend Kirk from Nightspots put in tomorrow's edition of the weekly gay mag.

A little "Designing Women" challenge.

Did he do this because, after he posted the "Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" speech on Facebook, I commented that I knew ever word of it verbatim?


So, you know what's going to happen, don't you?

One night this week, I will be sitting in my apartment, channeling Julia Sugarbaker and screaming at the top of my lungs.

Sure, that's par for the course at my place, but this time, I'll stick in on YouTube.

Now, who wants to be my Marjorie Leigh Winick?


Just in case you don't have a clue who Marjorie Leigh Winick is (and if you don't, why are you reading my blog?!?), here's the famous speech from my favorite Southern belle.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

"I Am Strong, I Am Invincible"

Okay guys, I need your help.

I am a child of the 70's. I'm proud of that.

Homo children of the 80's and 90's think that Streisand's first bad perm was that "Phil Spector on Trial" thing she sported a few years ago . They don't know what we know.

They didn't live through Streisand's first perm. Those tragic years when Babs looked like she was wearing a "Mike Brady Perm Wig." Oh, the humanity...

But unlike most younger (and older) gay men, I have a very limited knowledge of 70's pop music.

Actually, I have a very limited knowledge of ANY pop music.

Truth be told, if a song isn't featured on "Judy at Carnegie," "Liza with a Z" or the soundtrack to "Grease 2" (...poor Lorna...), I probably don't know it.

And odds are, I probably could give a damn about it.

That's what I need help with. The knowing. Not the giving a damn. Necessarily.

I've been asked to sing once again at About Face Theatre's annual summer benefit to support their gay and lesbian youth theatre program, "Flip Flop."

Basically, "Flip Flop" is concert cabaret where men sing women's songs and women sing men's songs, focusing on songs that reference gender.

Something you would never hear anywhere else, like a man singing "I'm a Woman."

Or something that actually exists, like Carol Channing singing "If I Were a Rich Man."

(Yes, Carol actually sang that. Yes, it's on dvd. Yes, it's one of the 7 signs.)

In years past, the concert has flipped showtunes and songs from movies, but this year, "Flip Flop's" theme is pop music from the 70's. I have to pick a song by this Friday and I'm a little lost.

Any suggestions on what I should sing?

A little part of me wants to sing "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" because I love Helen Reddy. And also because of a little memory I have of high school.

One day, as I walked into drama class, some of my friends/classmates dedicated that song to me over the intercom. Hilarious, huh? Dedicating "I Am Woman" to the fag in drama class! So fresh.

Sure, it was just a joke, a lame attempt to make fun of the small town sissy boy, but I was deep in the closet, with half the school screaming the word "Faggot!" at me in the hallways every hour on the hour. Drama class was one of only two places in the school where I could almost relax and be myself.

But then, it's...

"Steve! This song's just for you! You're theme song, right?"

...and that song starts playing and everyone starts laughing. Not laughing with me like they usually did in that class, but at me. The real me that I had been slowly showing them.

So much for being myself in high school.

Geez, how much of a drama queen can I be? All that sturm und drang because somebody played a Helen Reddy song. Oy...

But you know, if I sang that song in a gay bar during a concert raising money for a gay youth theatre program, I just might let go of that memory.

Then, I'll be able to watch "Pete's Dragon" again. Just "Candle in the Water," that is.

What do you guys think? Any ideas of what I should sing at "Flip Flop."

I would love any and all suggestions.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

"Homosexuals, Women with Children, Short Insomniacs and a Teeny Tiny Band"

Next Sunday, I'm singing in a cabaret show, an annual benefit for Season of Concern produced by my good friend, Karen Bronson.

Of all of our fundraisers, this is one of my favorites. And not just because Karen invites me to sing with them every year.

It's my favorite because it's Karen's event, pulled together, created by her and always bringing in a ton of money for Season of Concern.

It's my favorite because the people who attend are always the best audience you could ever hope to play for. They are all longtime supporters of SOC and our mission to provide direct-care support to entertainment industry professionals experiencing catastrophic or emergency health-related issues.

And it's my favorite because I get to perform not only with Karen, but also with my friends Mark Mavetz, Doug Orlyk, Debbie Roberts, Stephen Schroeder and Lori Skubich. Each of them are wonderfully talented on their own, and together, they bring down the house.

This is the 10th anniversary of Karen's annual cabaret event for SOC. This year, the show features the music of Richard Rodgers and William Finn. Talk about "something old, something new."

Maybe I'll borrow my old genie costume from "Aladdin," so I can sing songs in my old Dime Store Disney glory. That will add "something borrowed and something blue" to the mix. Then, maybe I'll get married.

Not that I have a boyfriend yet, but you know... dare to dream...

Here's all the info. Reservations are filling up fast, especially for the evening show. Hope to see you there!

The 10th Annual Season of Concern Benefit

$25.00 Suggested Donation
Includes concert, drinks, and hors d'oeuvres

Karen Bronson, Mark Mavetz, Doug Orlyk, Debbie Roberts,
Stephen Schroeder, Lori Skubich,
with a special appearance by Stephen Rader

Graciously Hosted By
1010 W. Madison Street, Oak Park, IL

Showtimes: 3PM and 7PM, Sunday, July 26th ONLY
Seating is Limited - Reservations are Required - Call Now!


Friday, July 17, 2009

Fratboy Friday


"Did I leave the iron on?"



He's not really a sagger, but
do you really care?



When I did plays in college, this is what we did
when the stage manager screamed,"Check your props!"

Of course, we went... ummm...
...deeper with it.



You might think this is "Bare Bottom Beer Pong" at my house, but no.

This is what I call "breakfast."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

"Operator? Oh, Could You Help Me Place This Call?"

Recently, I was telling my friend Karen about the unique opening night gift that my theatre friends and I would send to each other in college.

I can't seem to find these anymore, but for awhile in the South, when someone died, you could send this unique wreath to the funeral.

Flowers beside a plastic phone, and above the phone, two simple words...

"Jesus Called"

Think I'm making this up? Now, I have proof.

Here are college buddies Laura Talent, Russell Suggs and Scott Calbaugh standing beside their "Jesus Called" flower arrangement on the opening night of "Psycho Beach Party."

There it is, folks.

And people wonder why the South lost the war.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Do You Know What It Is You Do To Me?"

With all the buzz on the blogs these days focusing on that "ab crunching jackass" Ryan Reynolds landing the role of Hal Jordan, a.k.a. the Green Lantern, I wanted to take a moment and focus on another superhero hottie.

One who hasn't really been given a break. By Hollywood or by the fanboys.

Sure, his casting as "the big, blue Boy Scout" was break enough, but "Superman Returns" wasn't THAT bad folks. If you think it was, watch "Daredevil" again and you'll change your opinion.

Come on. Just look at cute, beefy Brandon Routh.

The only problem with this picture is that it doesn't show one of his best features. You remember how he filled out those Super-briefs in the movie.

Once again quoting Charles Pierce...

"The last time I saw a basket like that it was around Red Riding Hood's arm!"

And as for that t-shirt, all I have to say is...

"I wish I was, baby!
I SO wish I was sitting RIGHT THERE!"

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"And Now, Let's End This Meeting on a High Note!"

This being Bastille Day, I've been humming La Marseillaise most of the day. And when I'm not humming it, I've been singing it. Out loud.

I learned the words in my high school French class. And from that great scene in "Casablanca."

Thank God I work alone on Tuesdays. Anyone who worked near me today would have killed me. And since it's le quatorze juillet, they probably would have taken me to the guillotine. Just like Marie Antoinette.

Ah, la révolution and Marie Antoinette. I think one of my idols, Charles Pierce, said it best.

Marie Antoinette...

"She wasn't the only queen in history to lose her head over a basket, y'know."

"Seems Like Old Times"

Check this out.

io9 just posted this scene that was cut from the theatrical release of Watchmen.

If you saw the movie but never read the graphic novel...

...Well, first of all, "Why?!? Read the graphic novel. It's friggin' GENIUS!!!"...

...this scene happens just after the second Nite Owl and the second Silk Spectre have busted Rorschach out of jail.

A group of street thugs hear about this and mistake the first Nite Owl for the one responsible for freeing Rorschach. They bust into his apartment, and...

Well, watch the scene...

Note: YouTube won't allow me to embed the damn video- - some automatic setting from grabbing the video on io9 apparently... which sucks - - so I'm stuck with the crappy blogger video embedding. Click here to watch it on io9's site.

I love this scene. And I loved the film, unlike so many fanboys. The flashbacks of 40's supervillains in the clip above show just how much care and love went into this movie.

I can't wait to own it on dvd. Next week!

Monday, July 13, 2009

"Rainbows I'm Inclined to Pursue"

I've been searching the web for a clip of Judy Garland singing "Call Me Irresponsible," because, after listening to the lyrics...

...really listening the lyrics and not just thinking the song is great because it has a good beat and you can dance to it...

I now realize that it's the theme song for my entire life. Come on...

"Call me irresponsible
Yes, I'm unreliable

But it's undeniably true

That I'm irresponsibly mad for you"

Yep, that pretty much sums up my "How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks!" way of life. It's my mantra, actually.

And even though Jackie Gleason sang "Call Me Irresponsible" in a movie, and Frank Sinatra famously recorded it, and Bobby Darin really swung it, and Michael Bublé stole a lot of Bobby's version and a little of Frankie's version and dropped a cd with a lukewarm, bullshit version that is so much of a carbon copy, I refer to it as "sampling," I want to see and hear the Garland version. Which is, apparently, only available on the "Volume 5 dvd of "The Judy Garland Show."

I want the Garland version because I just read that, according to Mel Tormé, "Call Me Irresponsible" was written specifically for Judy to perform at a CBS dinner.

Judy had just signed with CBS to do "The Judy Garland Show" and if she actually did sing the song at the dinner (before she sang it on the show), it was probably an hilarious icebreaker of a performance.

Think about Judy the next time you hear Bublé sing this song like "Bobby Darin 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold"...

Think about how hilarious and biting those lyrics would be when sung to a room full of suits by a woman who was as famous for taking Dorothy over the rainbow and belting "The Man That Got Away" as she was infamous for her erratic behavior that resulted in her being fired from the films "Annie Get Your Gun," "Royal Wedding," and "Valley of the Dolls."

The "Valley of the Dolls" firing is my favorite. For two reasons.

First, before filming began on the picture, Judy appeared as a Mystery Guest on "What's My Line." After answering the panelists with only a clicker and a bell, discussing the flu she's suffering through and gushing about how much she "adores" her new son-in-law, Peter Allen (the Liza doesn't fall far from the Gumm tree, does it?), Judy delivers the greatest exit line in the history of broadcast television.

She mentions that she will be in "Valley of the Dolls," and as she rises to leave, she tells the audience that...

"I'm the only one in the book that doesn't take pills!"

Hilarious. Ironic. Genius. And yet, nothing compared to what she did after she was fired from "Valley of the Dolls" and replaced with Susan "I Want to Live!" "Among the Living" "With a Song in My Heart" Hayward.

You know that gold lamé pantsuit that Susan wears in the catfight between Helen Lawson and Neely O'Hara? Well, that was originally designed for Judy. One was made for her. She had tried on that gold lamé pantsuit and probably taken some test shots in it. And when she was fired from the film, Judy Garland stole that gold lamé pantsuit.

'Atta girl.

Not only did Judy steal that pantsuit, she wore it. In public. On stage. In concert. At the Palace!!!

This is why I love Judy Garland. Because at times, my life feels like her life. Well, my idea of what her life was like - - messy and unfocused, yet always thrilling and rarely if ever boring. At times irresponsible. Unpredictable. And what I love about her is that Judy didn't hide that part of her life, she made a parade of it.

Wearing a costume stolen from a movie you were fired from in concert at the Palace. Amazing.

Then again, where else was she going to wear a gold lamé pantsuit? There were no gay and lesbian proms back then. It was the Palace in concert or nothing.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

"You Show Me Oscar Wilde in a Cowboy Suit and I'll Show You a Gay Caballero"

I've been downloading a ton of comedy albums lately.

I love to listen to them as I walk here and there in the city. Just so that I will bust out with one of my obnoxious horse-snorts of a laugh in public.

Laughing to a joke that no one else hears. It makes me even more of a freakish outcast. I kinda love it.

This morning, I'm listening to George Carlin's "Carlin at Carnegie" album and I had forgotten this quote...

"You show me a tropical fruit
and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Hilarious. And stunningly true.

It's a much funnier version of something I say all when someone tells me about a violent homophobe...

"You show me a homophobic gay basher and
I'll show you a closeted cocksucker."

It's always the case, isn't it? George's quote is funnier, though.

I could use a tropical fruit right about now...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

If You Can Use Some Exotic Booze, There's a Bar in Far Bombay"

I kept seeing this commercial over and over again today...

...and it annoys the fuck out of me.

First of all, I've heard that Sean "Puffy" Combs doesn't even DRINK this brand of vodka, since it isn't high-end and/or expensive enough for his oh-so-cultured taste.

Next, where did the "D" go in the word "vodka"? Sean seems to have lost it. And I'm a big fan of vodka, so when someone refers to my drink of choice as "vah-ka," it pisses me off.

But what really annoys me about this commercial is the use of Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly with Me." Puff Daddy (or P. Diddy or whatever the Hell you're calling yourself these days), no matter how much money you have, how many women you surround yourself with and how many tuxes you own, you will never be as cool, hip, hep and "with it" as Sinatra was. And still is. Ever.

I mean, the pairing of Frank Sinatra and Sean Combs is like Liza Minnelli becoming "besties" with Usher, which would be ridic... u.... lous...



Friday, July 10, 2009

Fratboy Friday

After reading that Dennis DeYoung is writing the score for an upcoming stage musical version of "101 Dalmation's"...

...Sorry, I should have warned you before you read that...

...Did that cause a spit-take? Throw up in your
mouth a little? I sure did...

...I can't get Dennis' sailing song out of my head.

The Eric Cartman version, of course.


"I'm sailing away."



"Set an open course..."



"...for the virgin sea"



"On board, I'm the captain. So, climb aboard..."

Okay, that's it. We've had enough Dennis DeYoung for one day.

Don't judge. It could have been Christopher Cross.