Thursday, July 30, 2009

"Who Will He Bang? We Shall See"

Yesterday, my co-worker at The Actors Fund mentioned that he had picked up the book "Gay and Single... Forever?: 10 Things Every Gay Guy Looking for Love (and Not Finding It) Needs to Know."

I doubt I would have bought a book with that title. I probably would have taken all the copies in Borders, placed them on the floor and pissed on them. But he told me about this quote by Paul Rudnick which is included in the book...

"Being gay and single is the new smoking.
It won't be socially acceptable anymore,
and you will have to go outside."

True. So very true.

It used to be so hot to be gay and single. Now, you're not hot unless you're a couple. Fighting for marriage equality. And pushing a double stroller carrying your daughter, Chew Me, and your son, Hai Fat.

Anybody get the reference to those Asian names? Anyone?

It's not that I don't want marriage equality. I do. It's not that I don't want children. I do. I really do. But why are we trying to emulate the kinds of relationships that have never really worked? Well, not for my parents, anyway.

It just feels like the gay community used to be this hip, trendy restaurant that nobody knew about and yet everybody went there. And for some reason, we tore that restaurant down and we're desperately trying to put an Olive Garden in it's place.

And sure, Olive Garden is okay. But we were so unique. And now, we're striving to be so bland.

I know that's not a popular opinion and it doesn't toe the party line, but that's the way I feel. It's hard being single when you're approaching 40, haven't had a boyfriend in years and 20-somethings treat you like Claude Rains in "The Invisible Man."

It's hard to be a 39 year old, single gay man who has fought for years to have any kind of relationship he wishes to have, only to look up and see your community marching away from you


Polt said...

Well, Stephen sweetie, I'm over 40 (over 41 as a matter of fact) and not coupled, but yet, I don't seem to have trouble hooking up with 22-28 year olds. Perhaps it's beause I live out here in rural America, and there just isn't that many choices, I don't know.

Actually, I remember my Fairy Godfather Mark telling me about 9 years ago, that the closer he got to 40, and then over it, the more the younger guys wanted him. Didn't believe it at the time, but it's true for me. And he lived in DC, not a rural area.

At any rate, why would you want to be a couple? Then you'd have to deal with in-laws, and his little hairs all over the sink, and fighting over the TV remote!

See, there's always a positive side!


Fried Zen said...

Hey, this is Tom J. I totally agree with your opinion. The gay "community" has become so bland and boring. As Brian Kinney said in QAF, "Where are the good, old fashioned fags?" We were supposed to be different and daring and unique, not imitation heterosexuals and Stepford fags.

the hobbit said...

Preach, girl! I hate watching the Olive Garden being built. I may not be single, but I am *very* against the Mandatory Coupling of Gay America.

We should all be able, like Bon Qui Qui promises us, to have it our way, as long as we don't get too crazy. ;)

Only love,

Angel ABC said...

I know three dudes who've lived as a trio for years. Does that allow us all to keep our "tre chic" title?

But I agree with your assessment re the gay coupling. I've always felt that if gays weren't accepted by the mainstream, then why should we worry about their rules?

My partner and I have been together for a veeeerrrry long time, but our "rules" would offend the mainstream.

Oops. That's right. I don't care.

Stephen said...

Hey, being married (30 years) is not all it is cracked up to be... but it is a status symbol, plus we are role mdels, which is a big responsibility. Sometimes I don't wanna be resposible. At least we dont have a brown or Asian GAYby, just the ubiquitous Jack Rusells. We are a cliche.
You probably will find a fiancee just when you decide you REALLY don't want one.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you. We can have whatever type of relationships we want. I stick to the "What is normal?" philosophy. Whatever works best for you and those you love, go with it.

That's part of why I am ok with not calling it "marriage", that's too churchy and main stream for me. They have ruined "marriage" all on their own, thank you very much. We need something of our own to fuck up and abuse.

Anonymous said...

I tend to see it less as the "blanding" of gay culture but more as having another choice that is available to hetero couples.

I may not want to get married, but I don't want to be told I can't, either...

Anonymous said...

I tend to see it less as the "blanding" of gay culture but more as having another choice that is available to hetero couples.

I may not want to get married, but I don't want to be told I can't, either...

Prospero said...

I'm still looking for Mr. Right, myself (and I'm closer to 50 than 40). But that doesn't mean I define my life around it. If I find him, I find him. If not, fuck it. There's so much more to life than that.

Prospero said...

P.S. - How much do I want to see POSEIDON? It makes me all tingly inside just thinking about it. I hate that it's a thousand miles away... 8-(

philip said...

I want to fight for the right for us fags to get married, and I want to do it while marching down the street with a leather clad dog boy on the end of my leash.

We make our own rules. The point is not marriage; the point is "Don't fucking tell me what I can and can't do!"

And, Stephen, I love you more than my luggage. So I won't try to make you feel better about being single. It sucks. A lot. No advice from me, just a listening ear. Sorry that the right one (or five!!!!) out there won't wake up and smell the Stephen in front of them.

In the mean time, don't give up on your community. Recognize it for being diverse and full of people who you love as well as people who annoy you. . . and love it for the grab-ass grab bag it is.

In the meantime, let's alternate between mocking our strollergays and making out with their husbands.

Anonymous said...

How I like the restaurant analogy...
However, social pressures are bound to happen within a "community"; when it's not about looks, it's about relationships. Blech.

RG said...

I'm very happy to be the Samantha of my group of friends, thank you very much.

I'm happy that they are happy. And they're happy that I'm content with my singleness.

If Mr. Right should come along - cool. If not - that's cool also. I don't need another person to "whole". I am a complete person regardless of the circumstances of any romantic relationships I have in my life.

jason said...

Oh dear, I bought this book for myself a while back and it only further depressed me.

I love your blog, btw.

cb said...

Dude, I just blogged about this after experiencing a "couples" party. I was SO the odd gay out.

It rather sux.

Danifesto said...

You blog about a well-known Toronto writer and your imaginary boyfriend is Ryan Reynolds, another Canadian? Why don't you and your fabulousness just move here already?

Mark in DE said...

You make a great (and funny) point about the cool, trendy restaurant being replaced by an Olive Garden.

I think the thing to remember is that the GLBT community is SUPPOSED to be about diversity, which includes (not excludes) single people of all ages.

Aaron said...

I love your Olive Garden analogy--although I think our community is in more danger of becoming a TGI Fridays sometimes!

I have to say, I actually kind of enjoy being single, and don't regard it as a liability. If other people do, I'm sorry for them, but I refuse to be valued by whom I have (or don't have) hanging off my arm. Screw the A&F queens--I don't fit into their society, and frankly, after observing their Wisteria Lane-like behavior, I don't WANT to. Life is not supposed to imitate "art" quite that much.

If I could find a nice guy about my age who had a sense of humor I might be inclined to date again. But I can't take myself that seriously, and most guys my age are oh-so-very accomplished and responsible, lawyers or CPAs, or the like, who are very arrogant, driven and joyless. I can't get along with guys like that.

The thing about our most "visible" culture is, it's become very cliquish and conformist. There's so much more to our community than that. It's a shame people can't see more of it. But it does exist.