Wednesday, December 08, 2010

"Can He Swing From a Thread?"

Poor "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark."

They just can't seem to catch a break. No matter how much money they throw at it or into it, they just can't seem to get this juggernaut off the ground.

Get it? Juggernaut?

As in, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

Anyway...

The show is, of course, low hanging fruit (so to speak) for comedy writers. Hell, I've been making fun of it ever since it was announced. So, I love this SNL skit.

Mainly, the "Jersey Boys" line.

And the man-on-man, Spider-Man / MaryJane almost-kiss.

Homo fanboy Heaven. If that ever actually happened, that is...


Friday, November 26, 2010

"Your Hat... Is... Stunning!"

If Charles Nelson Reilly was still with us and worked for the airlines...

And if I was lucky enough to be stripped and patted down by a burly TSA agent named Bruno...

Airport security would like Saturday night in the back room of a gay bar.

Wishful thinking...


Friday, September 10, 2010

"You've Got Possibilities"

Dear God...

Is she going to do it?

Is Julie Taymor ACTUALLY going to be able to create a GOOD superhero musical for the Broadway stage? (Or the Broadway circus tent, as the case is going to be)

It's been almost 50 years since "It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman" did to showtunes what "Catwoman" and "Judge Dredd" did to motion pictures, but for all my misgivings (and I have and have had SEVERAL), something makes me feel giddy inside and has me believing that Taymor might actually pull it off.

Or maybe I just want to wear this Swiss Miss costume. Yeah, that's really what's making me all tingly inside.

Eat your heart out, Lady Gaga.


Wednesday, September 01, 2010

"Upside Down"

Since it's been so long since my last post, I thought I might bridge the gap with a post similar to the last one.

"Upside down. Boy, you turn me.

"Inside out & round & round.

"Upside down, you're turning me.

"You're giving love instinctively.

"Round & round you're turning me."

Indeed...

Friday, August 13, 2010

"Islands in the Stream"


"Islands in the stream,

That is what we are.

No one in-between.

How can we be wrong?

Sail away with me to another world,

And we rely on each other, ah-ah.

From one lover to another, ah-ah"

"Take Me Out to the Ball (Game)..."

I've done it. I've found him. I've found my next boyfriend!

I haven't met him yet, have no idea where he lives, and there's the slight problem that he's straight, but I'm confident that a Google search and multiple shots of Grand Marnier will take care of those issues in no time.

This is Bo. Or as he has been nicknamed, "Bo the Bailer." I imagine / hope he's as young and dumb (and full of... well... you know...) as he seems in the video, because, when a foul ball came flying towards Bo and his girlfriend (his FORMER girlfriend, I might add), Bo bailed. And this lovely woman was hit by the ball.

But for me, the young and dumb part of Bo trumps any bailing he could ever do to me.

Besides, I don't have a problem with balls hitting me. Foul or otherwise.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

"I'm Hungry for Love. Set the Table"

My buddy Kevin at The Lisp knows how to make an overly stressed, over-worked, bald homo-fanboy feel better..

He sent me this Robin.

This might be my favorite Robin of all time. Seriously.

Hot, hairy and smart. Just look at how he solved that costume problem of Robin's.

...You know, the green bikini briefs and green elven booties, and those flesh-colored tights that Burt Ward wore with them...

How did this Robin solve that costume crisis? He just took 'em off.

'Atta girl.

Just look at that ass.

Friday, August 06, 2010

"Little Girls, Little Girls, Everywhere I Turn I Can See Them"


Take the cast members from "The Kids in the Hall," dress them up like former child beauty pageant contestants a la "Toddlers & Tiaras" and have them join my boyfriend Joel McHale on "The Soup" and you have my idea of Heaven.

Well, Gay Heaven, anyway.

I love this. I love this so hard.


Thursday, August 05, 2010

"Somebody Thought of That..."





Kal-el's version of that Kermit the frog classic tune...

"Someday, we'll find it...

"...the Krypton Connection....

"the toothaches...

"...the dentists...

"...and me!"

This is why I read comic books.

For the random, "What the fuck is going on?!?" factor.

I live for it.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

"This Isn't a Wig, I Have Loose Scalp"

We've waited a long time for it, but it's here...

It's finally here!

A new episode of "Katie's Corner."

With my good friend Alexandra Billings channeling the late, great Katharine Hepburn.

That's me and Alex in the pic on the right.

I could tell you what we were doing at that moment, but it would shock the children.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"I Want You to Hit Me as Hard as You Can"

From what I can tell from this picture taken during the filming of "Giant," James Dean apparently thought that Rock Hudson needed a good cock-punching.

All I have to say to that is... Atta girl!

Now, to be sure, Rock probably enjoyed getting his cock punched by Jimmie Dean. Hell, Rock probably asked for it. Okay, begged for it. I know I would have. If that punch was aimed at my backside instead of my front, that is.

But most men probably doesn't appreciate a hard fist slamming into and around a bulging package. So, let's play a little game.

It's called "Who Do You Think Needs a Good Cock-Punching Right Now?"

So, tell me. Who would you push to the front of the line if someone was offering free and painful cannonballs to the cock?

Mel Gibson, Dick Cheney and every executive at BP start my list. But again, Darth Cheney would probably enjoy it. Seriously. He's probably laugh and start begging for a harder cock-punching.

God, I hate dudes who top from the bottom. Oy...

Friday, July 23, 2010

Fratboy Friday

Finally. One pic that ALMOST encompasses all of the Fratboy Friday categories. This cutie has it all...

BOYS IN CAPS, SAGGERS, and
DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT





Don't worry. You'll still get your...

MOONER


A mooner behind glass.

Yeah... Like that's gonna stop me...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

"How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

I've always had a little soft spot for the 50's comic book Batman.

The goofiness... The square-jawed, white-slits-for-eyes face in a Bat-cowl... The Batmobile with a Bat-face hood ornament bigger than the Boy Wonder...

The first Bat-Girl, a tennis pro turned superhero... The first Batwoman, who used cosmetic compacts to fight crime, and was introduced simply to make the relationship between Batman and Robin appear less like the NAMBLA love story that it actually is...

And of course, Ace the Bat-Hound. A dog. In a mask. With a Bat-symbol around his neck. Hung there to scare the bad guys, I suppose. Because, as Bruce Wayne said, "Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot."

Over the years, Ace has come and gone, but until today, I don't think we knew he could sing. I mean, really sing.

Here Ace as a pug singing the theme song to the 60's Batman TV show. If this doesn't cure what ails you, nothing will.

Monday, July 12, 2010

"Look at Your Life. Look at Your Choices."

Okay...

I just watched the latest Sassy Gay Friend video and cackled like Paula Deen enjoying a fried stick of butter.

The Sassy Gay Friend meets Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree."

The Giving Tree, y'all. The Giving Tree.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

"Methinks the Lady Doth Protest Too Much"

Not to rain on Gay Pride (Chicago's weather will be taking care of that any time now), but here's Mike (I Don't Heart) Huckabee from earlier this morning defending his claim that gay relationships illicit an "ick factor."

A couple of quick questions before I go put on all white (with no underwear) to stand and watch the parade in the rain:

A) Since the U.S. is a republic, not a democracy, why are laws being passed by ballot initiative? Oh, that's right. So that the majority can deny the minority their equal rights.

B) Huckabee reads the articles in those gay rags put out by The Edge?!? Does he "read" the Undergear catalog too?





Happy Pride, everyone.

While we enjoy today, take time to remember that it ain't over.

And also remember that, for the most part, it has been the drag queens, nellie fags and bull dykes who have pushed this movement forward from it's birth at Stonewall till this very day, so if anyone says anything about anyone flaunting it, camping it or bearing their breasts, tell them I said to fuck off and get in the back of the line. 'Nuff said.

Friday, June 25, 2010

"What Are You Doing? What, What, What Are You Doing?"

Finally, the wait is over!

Here it is, a new Sassy Gay Friend vid!

Love it! Love him! And I REALLY love Adam.

Trust me, you'll love him too. But I called dibs.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

"Would You Like to Pet My Pussy?"


I don't know about you, but after watching this French commercial (that has been banned in France), I suddenly want some Orangina.

And some pussy.

My father is going to be so happy about this.



"You Can See Right Through Me"




Superman has always stood for truth, justice and the American way.

And these panels by Caldwell Tanner that I found on CollegeHumor...

Well, if they don't scream "the American way" as we currently know it, I don't know what does!



























I guess, now that Aquaman is back, Supes can pass the buck on the crappy jobs once again.

"Bad Boys, Bad Boys. What You Gonna Do?"



Let's play a little game.

Watch this compilation of clips from the show "Cops" and try to identify which of the people in it are my relatives.

Here's a hint: It's most of them.

Okay, all of them. Except one.

And... GO!


COPS PORN - watch more funny videos

"Look at Him, Look at You. Classic Case of Fruit Blindness"








"There’s no such thing as bisexual. That’s just something they invented in the 90’s to sell hair products. Deal Breaker."

- Liz Lemon on 30 ROCK




("Teach it like you preach it, Liz Lemon!")

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"All We Hear Is Radio Goo Goo..."

Finally...

Someone who watches Lady Gaga and has the same exact thoughts about "La Gaga" and her work that I do...

"What is this shit?"

I find Gaga, her music and her "look" to be ri-COCK-ulous, which is ridiculous to the extreme.

Apparently, the always brilliant Jackie Hoffman (currently playing Grandma in The Addams Family musical on Broadway) feels the same way.

Check out Ms. Hoffman's version of that 8 minute piece of artistic masturbation that Lady Gaga calls "Alejandro."

It's genius. Friggin' genius.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

"Love Your Hair, Honey. Hope You Win"

I just saw this in one of the of Tee Fury forums and you know...

As much as I've been enjoying Dick Grayson as Batman...

And as much as I liked Batman #700 with all of the Batmen past, present, future and beyond...

There's something about a Justin Beiber Batman - - or BeiberMan, if you will - - that I love.

I guess it's the twink in superhero tights combo.

What am I saying? OF COURSE, it's the twink in superhero tights combo.

Even more so than Grayson's Batman, this is Robin all grown up.

I almost like this better than the old school Earth-2 Robin costume. No, seriously. I love that Earth-2 Robin costume.

Now, just one question: Who the fuck is Justin Beiber?!?

Monday, June 14, 2010

"If You Could See Her Through My Eyes..."

I'm a Kinsey 6 (at least!) but for many, many years now, I have occasionally found myself cruising a cute, young gay boy that is actually a cute, young lesbian.

If my father reads this, he'll be thrilled. But this happens all the time, right?

In a world filled with lesbians who look just like Justin Bieber (whoever the fuck THAT is!), I'm definitely not the only fag cruising hot lesbians on the street.

Yet today, something happened. The game changed and the game, at least for me, is now SUPREMELY fucked up.

Okay, okay... Fine... "I" am now supremely fucked up...

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a couple walking towards me. They looked like the girl-on-girl version of Jack Sprat and his wife. No, they looked more like the HOT girl-on-girl version of Jack Sprat and his wife.

Sure, the lesbo-Jack Sprat of the couple was more "chubby Oprah" than lean. And yes, "Jack's wife" looked like she enjoyed eating pizzas topped with hot dogs (which, of course, made me mentally shout, "'Atta, girl!"), but whether it was spite of their size or because of it, they were both incredibly HOT! Probably because they were so into each other and enjoying a great summer day together. So, I kept staring at them. I couldn't help it.

But as I got closer, I realized... this... wasn't a lesbian couple... at all...

Oh, no... This was a straight couple. And that's not the Anne Heche part of the story.

The fucked up part is that the heavier member of what I thought was a lesbian couple was actually a man - - and that man looked exactly like Wilford Brimley.

Leaving just one question: Exactly how fucked up AM I now that my Daddy fantasies are transforming Wilford Brimley lookalikes into big-boned, happily married lesbians?

Or is there a very simple answer for all of this. Something like "If a fag sees Wilford Brimley and thinks it's Rosie O'Donnell, we all get 6 more weeks of summer."

Oy...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

"Toot, Toot. Hey... Beep, Beep!"

If you've never quite understood why, when compared to the other decades of the 20th century, the 70's will forever be the redheaded, bastard child in the annual Christmas card family photo, just watch Liza Minnelli in the clip below. Singing "Bad Girls."

Yes, that "Bad Girls."

Of course, comparing Liza singing a Donna Sommer song to a redheaded, bastard child would also mean that the little illegitimate fire crotch arrived at the photo shoot for said family Christmas card loaded on God-knows-what and accompanied by a flaming homosexual she kept introducing as her new husband.

This clip is... Oy... Even with Liza's tremendous talent, this production of "Bad Girls" is a sea of bedazzled wrong.

Let's face it. Only in the 70's would someone have thought that Liza HAD to sing "Bad Girls." And only in the 70's would no one have stopped them!

Why? Well, also on 70's television, the dancers on Donny and Marie Osmond's variety show weren't really dancers. They were were ice skaters. Yeah... Donnie and Marie would start singing "I'm a little bit country...," and then there would be ice skating. Before, during and after the song. And, occasionally, Paul Lynde would do some comedy sketches. With children. Sounds like "La Cage aux Folles" directed by Fellini, doesn't it? Nope. It was worse.

But, it's not just the song choice. I'm sure the same showtune queen who put a disco beat behind "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd" pushed Liza to sing "Bad Girls," which lead some chorus boy with a dance belt and dream to choreograph what looks like Bob Fosse's version of the dream ballet from "Oklahoma," forcing Liza's new gay husband to suggest ending the song with an homage to "The Telephone Hour" from "Bye Bye Birdie."

It all leads me to one simple thought: WHERE IS THE REST OF THIS TELEVISION SPECIAL?!? For the love of all things Lorna, I need it!!!



P.S. I realize this special aired in 1980, but just like our former President and our current financial shit box, the blame for this lands squarely in the past.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

"Simple as Can Be. See? Liza!"

What good is sitting alone in your room?

Especially when you can sit in the Chicago Theatre and watch Liza Minnelli in concert.

That's where I'm going. Right now.

And she probably won't sing "Single Ladies" (which I LOVED in the movie, so let's start the gay debate... NOW). There's an even slimmer chance she'll sing this song from "Liza with a Z."

But if she does sing "I Gotcha!," you'll hear my gay squeal across the country.

Hell, I'm gonna squeal regardless.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

Wow. That's the exact same face that I made
when I saw his gun show, too!

And, unless he's extremely limber, there's a lot more he can do
when that expression is on my face than on his. Just sayin'...



****



SAGGERS
Does that say "SUCH IS LIFE" or "SUCK IS LIFE"?

Tomato, toMAHto...



****



MOONERS


Why do I never stumble onto these guys peeing in my alley?

WHY?!?



****



DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT
A straight man with a good oral technique.

Who could ask for anything more?

"When My Name Appears in Print, It Better Read, 'Blanche Devereaux COMMA 39!'"

I've been away for awhile. Two weeks in fact. Sorry about that.

I've been busy, I've been depressed, I've been straightening up my life.

No, let's say "organizing," not "straightening up." As an old and very dear friend of mine used to say, "Never the S word, dear."

But when a Golden Girl dies, attention must be paid. Which is why I urge everyone to do what I will be doing tonight, in honor of the passing of Ms. Rue McClanahan.

I'm going to be taking Blanche's advice...



Join me, won't you?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

Looking hot in a pair of jeans is (unless you're me) easy to accomplish.

(Especially if you're a Golden Ticket holder in the genetic lottery.)



****



SAGGERS

Looking hot is slightly harder when the jeans are clam diggers...

(Or are they pedal pushers?... Culots?... Capris?...)

...so follow this boy's lead and accessorize with Nair'ed up chest and a sneer!



****



MOONERS

When it comes to the jean short,
an ass you can serve drinks on is your best friend.



****


DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

"I'll drink to that."

"And one for Mahler!"



Thursday, May 20, 2010

"So, This Is Love..."


It's just like Cinderella sang...

"So, this is love. Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm.
So, this is love.

"So, this is what makes life divine."

You got it sister. Most definitely.

As long as you have a safe word.



(Can you tell IML is coming up? Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm...)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

"Stop Worrying If Your Vision Is New"


"The worst thing you can do is fall off a low rung. If you're going to make a mistake,
make a huge one."

- Stephen Sondheim


Brilliant advice for any artist in any form of art. I absolutely agree.

Which is the only excuse I have for taking this idea and applying it to my ENTIRE life thus far.

Not that I have ever been on the top rung.

I only fucked my way to the middle.

(And you know who you are...)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"I Am the Modern Man"

Now, this is what I call cosplay.

Who needs all that bulky armor? This picture proves that in cosplay, as in all things, less is more.

Unless you're Cher. With Cher, more is more.

But with this "Iron Man with iPhone," amateur Tony Stark, the less armor, the better.

I can't wait to see his repulsor. (Yeah, yeah... You were thinking the same thing...)

But if he's Tony in this scene (and let's face it, he can be any damn thing he wants to if I'm involved or just in the room), that makes me Pepper Potts.

Not a problem. I've been much worse for much worse.

Now, where did I put that Gwyneth Paltrow mask?


Monday, May 17, 2010

"...the Line Between the Past and the Present."

When it comes to my cluttered, filthy pigsty of an apartment, and the reason so few people have been allowed inside of it for longer than I care to admit, I've been repeating the same line to friends and family for months now...

"I watch 'Grey Gardens' and think,
'That house? That's nothing...'"

The person I'm talking to will laugh a little and then move on to another piece of conversation. I wonder, if they could actually SEE my apartment, would that line be funnier or infinitely sadder?

Or worse yet, would it be a cause for concern? Probably all of the above.

I have dedicated entire days and weekends to the act of getting rid of clutter, cleaning up my messes, organizing the insanity, and after a long stretch of hours, I stand back and it looks like only an inch and half of space is now clean and clear.

How could I have gathered so much unneeded junk that I, for some reason, have decided to hold on to by putting it in a place where I can never find it if I actually need it? And how could I care less about cleaning and making a bed and folding clothes than I have in the past when I never gave a damn before?!?

Maybe it's my way of keeping potential boyfriends at bay. I've heard women talk about not shaving their legs before a date so that they would not even be tempted to sleep with the guy at the end of the evening. Maybe my mess is my unconscious way of staying single. Not something I want, but something that seems to be continuing, nonetheless.

For the longest time, my apartment appeared to be in order, but if you opened up a certain drawer or closet door, you could see where the mess had been relocated for the time being. One of my friends referred to this as, "Outside control, inside chaos," which was and is the most accurate description of me I have ever heard.

So, what does it mean now that my chaos has overtaken my control?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"...the Raging Spirit That Dwells Within Him"

Hey, Marvel Comics! You want to know how to make a Hulk movie that won't bite the green weenie?

Cast this guy.

Who is he? What does he do? Is he a villain? A love interest? A rebooted Mr. McGee?

(You know, the reporter who follows the Hulk and Dr. Banner around, thus giving us the line, "Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry?")

Which one of those characters is Mr. Tattman, the Ab Master? Who the fuck cares?!?

As long as THAT is his ONLY costume. And he's on the beach. A lot.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

"They Say That I'm a Witch!"



I don't know...

Is it me, or on the cover of her new book...

...her memoir entitled "Spoken from the Heart"...

...(Did anyone else just throw up in their mouth a little bit?... Ugh...)

...does Laura Bush look like...
















...the wicked queen from "Snow White"?

















Don't take an apple from that bitch, that's all I'm saying.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

"Men Are Stupid, Men Are Vain. Love's Disgusting, Love's Insane..."

From the people who brought you...

"The check is in the mail."

...and...

"We can leave our
underwear on."

...I proudly present...

"Now, Pat...
This won't hurt a bit"

This has been a message from the makers of...

"Never trust a man who says, 'Trust me.'"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"Why Do They Always Look Like Unhappy Rabbits?"



"I'm selfish, impatient,
and a little insecure.

"I make mistakes.

"I am out of control and,
at times, hard to handle.

"But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."


- Marylin Monroe

Amen, sister. Amen.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

"It's Hard Out Here For a (Bat)..."

Poor Bruce.

After all the lawsuits contesting not one, not two, but three different appearances on "To Catch a Predator," the billionaire playboy / Dark Knight is forced to take a job.

Any job.

He could have at least dressed like the Batman of Zur-en-arrh. For the color, you know.

Monday, April 26, 2010

"Why, Oh Why, Do I Love Paris?"




"She got where she got on her own two knees."

- Debbie Reynolds talking about Paris Hilton.

Atta girl.

To both of them.