Friday, October 31, 2008

Fratboy Friday

A Halloween-ish (or is it Halloweenie?) edition of Fratboy Friday...


Little did they know that, after wearing their Hooters Girls costumes
to the fraternity Halloween party, the words "passing for straight
would never again be used to describe them..



Believe it or not, 
the sickle was the shape of things to come. 
So to speak.



Nice ass.



Believe it or not, Spidey's the top.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

"1... 2... 3... Surprise!"

Overheard tonight in the hallway of my apartment.

When two guys hid around a corner, jumped out and surprised some queen who lives on my floor.

After the guys yelled, the queen screamed at the top of his lungs...

"I'm on Franzia you bitch!"

I have no idea what that means exactly, but...

Who wants that phrase on a t-shirt?

"Another Way to Die"

Here it is - - the new Bond song! For Quantum of Solace.

Another Way to Die with Alicia Keys and Jack White. Fan-friggin'-tastic!

"Don't Forget (to) Vote"

The Chicago Tribune has a fun photo gallery of vintage Trib pics from past elections.

I love this one from the 1968 election between Nixon and Humphrey.

Nothing says, "Don't Forget to Vote" quite like women on bicycles holding umbrellas.

Of course, there's no "to" on these signs... or a comma after "Forget"... but hey, it's Chicago.

"I'm Up On Him, He Up On Me"

Philip sent this to me. This is an incredible guy named Shane who does the EXACT choreography from Beyonce's Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) video.

Shane's original video is here. Check out the mashup comparing him to the original. Amazing.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

"Happily, Happily, Happily Ever After"

After checking my bank account - - and checking out Apple's web site - - I decided to treat myself to a little present.

That's right, I bought myself a new iPod nano.

And not only was the price just right, but I was also able to purchase the Product Red version of the latest iPod nano for the exact same price as the other colors.

So in the end, I took a little bad luck and turned it into a good thing by treating myself while at the same time giving a few extra dollars to help fight AIDS in Africa.

Or as Ron White says...

“I believe if life gives you lemons make lemonade…then find someone that life gave vodka to 
and have a party.”

My iTunes is syncing with my new iPod as I write this.

All is right with the world.

"Where Is Princess Fire and Music?"

I SO wish I could go to this.

I wish I knew who the rest of the cast will be playing.

Cynthia Nixon - the Celeste Holm role (Karen Richards)? Or will she be playing Eve Harrington?

"Eve, Eve, Little Miss Evil."

Angela Lansbury - the Thelma Ritter role (Birdie)?

If that's true, then I HAVE to fly to NYC. Because those two women should NEVER play the same role!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

"That's Being a Maverick"

With the elections exactly one week from today - - haven't we been talking about this election since 1978? - - here are a couple of fun videos to remind us just how ridiculous the McCain campaign has become...

...and how important it is to vote. Say, for instance, that I didn't vote next week...

Thanks to Eric McCool for sending me this last video. I love it!

"Gone, Baby. Gone."

I took the 135 express bus downtown this morning to speak to the cast of The Goodman Theatre's A Christmas Carol at their first rehearsal.

As usual, when I got on the bus, I took my iPod earphones out of my ears and looped the cord behind my neck, keeping my iPod in my coat pocket.

Coat pocket. Because it was 20 fucking degrees in Chicago early this morning.

I sat in the very back row of seats on the bus in the middle seat, minding my own business, deeply engaged in my Birds of Prey comic book.

Realizing that I was a little to early to go into the Goodman rehearsal room, I jumped up and got off the bus at the Wacker and Wabash stop.

And as I waited for the light so that I could cross the street, I realized that the earphones were dangling.

Because I had left my iPod on the bus.

Somehow, it fell out of my coat pocket. As I SAT! How did it do that?

This is the iPod that I almost died for. And now it's gone.

Sure, I'll call the CTA and check with their Lost and Found Department. If they even have one.

But it's gone. You'd think that if God doesn't want me to have a boyfriend, he would AT LEAST let me have a fucking iPod. Especially after I PAID FOR IT.

But no. God wants me to be alone. And to walk around the city in absolute silence.

No Beyonce allowed.

"You've Got to Be Carefully Taught"

If Darwin had travelled to Tennessee instead of the Galápagos Islands, he never would have come up with his theory of evolution.

Two white supremacists allegedly plotted to go on a national killing spree, shooting and decapitating black people and ultimately targeting Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, federal authorities said Monday.

In all, the two men whom officials described as neo-Nazi skinheads planned to kill 88 people — 14 by beheading, according to documents unsealed in U.S. District Court in Jackson, Tenn. The numbers 88 and 14 are symbolic in the white supremacist community.

The spree, which initially targeted an unidentified predominantly African-American school, was to end with the two men driving toward Obama, "shooting at him from the windows," the documents show.

"Both individuals stated they would dress in all-white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt," the court complaint states. "Both individuals further stated they knew they would and were willing to die during this attempt."

Coming from East Tennessee, I know people just like this. My grandfather was an extremely prejudiced man, as is my father to a lesser extent. But neither of them passed on their hate. They understood that their feelings towards people of color were wrong and they urged us not to share those feelings. But even with their prejudices, they would never have attacked another person simply because of the color of their skin.

It saddens me that this kind of hatred is still being passed on. You've Got to Be Carefully Taught.

If you don't know that song, listen to Mandy sing it. You'll be surprised at how true and cutting a song from a musical can be.

Monday, October 27, 2008

"What I Am, Michael, Is A 32 Year Old, Ugly, Pockmarked, Jew Fairy"

Over the last few weeks, I've had several run-ins with The Boys in the Band - - the 1970 film version of the landmark, 1968 off-Broadway play of the same name

An email from a new blog buddy Larry (Douglas). The final scene of Philip's new play. Even one of my Fratboy Friday posts.

Maybe it's because the film is finally being released on dvd this November 11th.

Or maybe it's because, no matter what anyone says about how much gay men have evolved, if you put a bunch of gay men into a room - - birthday party, hustler and old college chum optional - - you will get The Boys in the Band

It's still with us. It's still us.

Some see the film as a best-forgotten piece of gay history - - an embarrassing reminder of who we used to be. They complain that the characters are too caustic, too bitchy, too hateful to themselves and each other. 

As if gay men in 2008 are rarely caustic or bitchy and are never hateful to themselves or each other. Apparently, we modern queer boys are all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows being blown out of Debbie Boone's ass. And it smells fresh, like a mountain breeze. Not so much...

The Boys in the Band - - those thought-to-be-extinct, caustic, bitchy, hateful homos - - can be found today. You just have to walk into a twink bar and not be a twink. Or have a few, extra pounds on you when you join the hot, new gym. Or be stopped after your set in the piano bar by the hottest guy in the room who tells you how much he loved your performance, then looks you up and down and says...

"Yeah, to look at you, 
you wouldn't think you were anything special."

Yep, that's what the hot guy said to me. Yes, I still remember it, word for word. Yes, the therapy was very long and very expensive.

But that's not to say that gay men are always hateful to themselves and each other. Not at all. I actually think the beauty of The Boys in the Band is the strong friendships these characters have, how deeply they care about their friends. Emory and Bernard. Michael and Donald. Especially Michael and Harold.

To me Harold isn't the villain, he's the voice of... Reason? Truth? Gay liberation? Deep down, Michael is ashamed of being gay, which is perhaps why he lashes out at Alan so violently. But Harold doesn't question why he is a homosexual, he simply is one. He knows that his gayness isn't a mental illness or a sin against God. It's who he is. And that, in 1968, was a bold stance for a character and a playwright.

You may find the film dated...

...that word always makes me laugh, because what is negatively considered "dated" now, will soon be called a "period piece" and then move into the highly regarded category of "classic"...

...but the play opened off-Broadway BEFORE Stonewall. And the film opened after Stonewall. And you may think that the characters are gay Uncle Toms, but let's give that name to the homos who really deserve it - - The Queer Eyes for the Straight Guys - - and remember that both the play and the movie were bold and ahead of their time.

And yes, "ahead of its time" does imply that gay men have changed. And we have. We have more rights, more freedoms. We publicly and proudly celebrate our gayness. But beneath all of that, at our core...

Well, just put a bunch of gay men in a room for an hour or so. You'll see...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

"Change I'm Amazed By"

I saw this at The Gospel According to Mikey and I had to pass it on.

Maybe there's hope for our country yet.

Maybe Dr. King's dream is slowly coming true.

Maybe we really will win this election.

Maybe some of my relatives back home will soon evolve thumbs.

Anything is possible.

"Hey, Lady. You, Lady..."

I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I sipped champagne on a yacht.

I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got.

I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see.

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to Chubby Wieners.

And it's in Chicago. Shame on me. 

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fratboy Friday




"Well, I suppose he has an interesting face and body, 
but it turns me right off because he can't talk intelligently about art."

(Name that quote, anyone?)



"That's nice... (sips his wine)... Do either of you have a monologue?"



He's either imitating that old Diet Coke commercial - - which I would imagine came out when he was an embryo - - or he just can't find the hole.

And with all that's been in (and out of) there, 
he definitely should be able to find the hole.

Just sayin'...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

"Happiness Is Just a Thing Called Joe" incredibly hot blog full of hot naked men, for those of you who don't already go there, frequently, as I do...

...The REAL Joe the Plumber.

He also has several Joe Six Packs in the same post. I highly recommend a look-see. At home. When you can really enjoy the view.

And you know, if this guy was the real Joe the Plumber everyone's been talking about, I would care if he didn't have a license or hadn't paid his back taxes.

I wouldn't even care that he's a Republican.

I would love to do to him what the Republicans have been doing to the country for the past eight years. 

"Bye, Bye Apocalypse"

I love this new t-shirt from Threadless a lot.

It's called Bye, Bye Apocalypse.

I like it because it's so dark and composed with such light images...

And because this hottie-with-tats is modeling it.

Should the fact that his Happy Face balloon is almost deflated and can't stand straight up bother me?

Nah, a couple Viagra and I'll be the one with the happy face.

"Lion in Winter, Pussy in Summer"

The video below is my friend Alexandra Billings... as Katharine Hepburn. Oh, yeah...

Alex has finally created some clips of her as Hepburn on her YouTube channel.

I remember seeing Alex at the Gentry here in Chicago. When she would go into her Katharine Hepburn, she would say...

"Lion in Winter, Pussy in Summer."

If that doesn't make you want to watch this hilarious clip, I'm not sure what will.

Brilliant, Alex. Friggin' brilliant!

"Who Watches the Watchmen?"

I haven't heard anything lately about the legal battle over the rights to the new Watchmen movie, but Zack Snyder certainly is moving forward promoting the film as if the film will open on 03.06.09.

I hope it opens as planned.

Because the only thing that can get me through another Chicago winter - - it's already in the lower 40's in the fucking Windy City - - is the thought that Watchmen is coming.

Check out this video of new Watchmen footage from Spike's Scream Awards. It's very similar to the trailer we've already seen but when The Comedian is thrown out of the window - - as we see in this teaser poster to the left- - I start to shake in my seat.

Just like I did as a little boy when I first saw the Adam West Batman movie at the Powell Cinema back in Tennessee ("Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!"). I can't wait!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

"DIOR-less. Please help!"

This disgusts me.  

Apparently, someone at Barney's here in Chicago thinks it's "witty" to poke fun at the homeless by having their manniquins hold up signs like this one...

"DIOR-less. Please help!"

Gross. Fucking gross.

At a time when so many Americans are losing their homes because some greedy motherfuckers decided that they no longer wanted to simply be millionaires, they wanted to be billionaires and cripple the economy in the process, this kind of display isn't cute or funny or clever - - it's simply disgusting.

If there's any justice in the world, the genius who came up with this idea will lose his or her job and then his or her home and be found holding up a real sign that reads "FOOD-less. Please help!

While wearing their precious,  useless Dior. 

And I will walk past them on the street and laugh my Gap-ensembled ass off.

"The Us's"

I just saw this at The Gospel According to Mikey and it honestly made me cry.

A great man was taken away from us far too soon when Dan White killed Harvey Milk. Imagine where we would be today if Harvey was here to lead us.

"I know that you cannot live on hope alone, 
but without it, life is not worth living." - Harvey Milk

"Can I Interest You in the Chicken? Or Would You Prefer..."

Mark at Tales of the Sissy just introduced me to David Sedaris' most recent essay from The New Yorker entitled, "Undecided."

Sedaris wonders, as I do, just who these undecided voters are in the upcoming Presidential election. His explanation is perfect...

"To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?'

"To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked...

"I wonder if, in the end, the undecideds aren’t the biggest pessimists of all. Here they could order the airline chicken, but, then again, hmm. 'Isn’t that adding an extra step?' they ask themselves. 'If it’s all going to be chewed up and swallowed, why not cut to the chase, and go with the platter of shit?'

"Ah, though, that’s where the broken glass comes in. "

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"She Crazy, That Girl Crazy"

This just might be my new favorite YouTube video by my new favorite Broadway star - - Leslie Kritzer.

Where else are you going to find Liza Minnelli, Rachel Zoe, Bristol Palin and Jenna Bush in the same video? Exactly...

Her Liza is wonderful, but it's her Rachel Zoe that makes me laugh so hard because it is SPOT ON!


Rachel Zoe... 

That would a fun Halloween costume, wouldn't it? 

Anybody want to go out with me on Halloween as Brad and Taylor?

"A Happening in Grant Park"

This just in...

"Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign will hold what it hopes will be an Election Night celebration in Grant Park in Chicago, a campaign aide confirmed this morning.

"The large public space between the Loop and lakeshore also hosted a papal visit in 1979 and a Chicago Bulls NBA championship celebration in 1991. It more routinely host open-air concerts, sporting events and the Taste of Chicago.

"The Obama aide said logistical details such as whether attendees will need to register online or obtain a ticket in advance are still being worked out and will be announced in the coming days.

"The Obama event is expected to take place on the south end of the park in an area known as Hutchison Field."

You so wish you lived in Chicago now, don't you?

Well, bring it on, baby! Come to Chicago and celebrate as Sen. Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States.

And if for some heinous reason, McCain wins, we can convoy up to Canada together.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #39

I've had a rather rough time for the past three or four days, so reading over the captions for last week's contest really helped me laugh. Uterus jokes, golem jokes, a killer Dancing with the Stars reference from Mike Ellis and a lot of people who were slightly surprised that, even after you rip his gallbladder out of his body, Philip's still got about 20 possible jokes for every situation. 

Which is why I had hard time choosing a caption this week; each one of them made me laugh.

But the one that made me guffaw may not be AS funny to other people, because "other people" probably haven't spent hours upon hours listening to every musical theatre album that has ever been released on cd, mp3, cassette, 8-track, vinyl, or phonograph cylinder, trying to figure out exactly what lyrics Patti Lupone is singing in Evita and remaining calm as we tell our friends for the 487th time that what we're listening to is not a soundtrack - - movies have soundtracks - - this is an ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING!!!

Here's Philip's winning caption...

"We'll always be bosom buddies..."

I love that because it makes me think of Bea Arthur. And also, because my friend Max is in a production of Mame right now that is getting great reviews. Congratulations, Max.

I chose this week's picture, because this is exactly how I feel right now...

Worn down and used up. Or as my Daddy used to say, "Rode hard and put up wet." Which is a bad thing, not a sexual thing.

Poor Supes. If this is where he's going to end up, maybe he should have stayed dead. At least he could have gone out with a bang. And killer 90's hair.

Give the old, blue and red boyscout a caption, will you? He needs something.

Super Tuesday

If this little girl...

...isn't the cutest...

...most adorable...

...most brilliant little Wonder Girl you've ever seen...

...then, I'm calling it - - you're a pod.

I'll bet this little girl can do the "Diana Prince Spins and Turns Into Wonder Woman" spin with ease and grace, just like Lynda Carter.

Unlike Debra Winger, who could only do the "Druscilla Spins and Almost Falls On Her Ass Like a Buffoon and Then Turns Into Wonder Girl" spin.

Come on.

You remember that, right...

Carolyn Jones as Hippolyta - - it don't get no better than that!!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

"If You Like It, Then You Shoulda Put a Ring on It"

This is, without a doubt, my new favorite song and one of my all-time favorite videos - - Beyonce's Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It).

As eMackinations pointed out in a post yesterday, this is ABSOLUTELY Beyonce's homage to Gwen Verdon dancing to Mexican Breakast with choreography by Bob Fosse

Which became very popular when the video from that song was put to the music of Walk it Out.

There's so much of the 3-person Fosse-style form in this video. Pieces of There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This from Sweet Charity and The Manson Trio from Pippin

And when you combine that with some KILLER hip-hop moves and a song that makes me do my model walk down the street, I am in heaven!

"That's Me, an Old Kazoo with Some Sparklers"

I stole this little quiz from my friend Alexandra Billings' blog, Stillettos and Sneakers. She's a Katharine Hepburn, I'm a Bette Davis. What a combo, huh?

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!


You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me 
  • * Stand up for yourself... and me.

  • * Be confident, strong, and direct.

  • * Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

  • * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

  • * Give me space to be alone.

  • * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

  • * I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

  • * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

  • * being independent and self-reliant

  • * being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

  • * being courageous, straightforward, and honest

  • * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

  • * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

  • * upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

  • * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

  • * being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

  • * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

  • * never forgetting injuries or injustices

  • * putting too much pressure on myself

  • * getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

  • * are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

  • * are sometimes loners

  • * seize control so they won't be controlled

  • * figure out others' weaknesses

  • * attack verbally or physically when provoked

  • * take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

  • * are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

  • * are sometimes overprotective

  • * can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

"I Will Be Voting For Senator Barack Obama"

Days ago, the Chicago Tribune, and now Colin Powell

Is it possible that we're really going to win this thing? I guess, if we look at the history of this country, Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States.  Republicans take 8 or 12 years to run the country, its economy and its reputation into the ground, and then leave the mess for the Democrats to clean up.

Listening to Colin Powell, I can't help but think that he himself would be an excellent President. I also wonder exactly where inside his ass he placed his head and his mouth when he stood by and let G.W. invade a country that had nothing to do with the attacks of 9/11 and were not housing ANY weapons of mass destruction.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke

"Taking Care of John McCain is a Big Responsibility"

They've done it again. Onion Video. Nothing is funnier. Nothing.

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

"You Are Way Hotter in Person"

Last night's opening of Saturday Night Live - - Palin meets Palin!

Tina Fey is brilliant as always and these political sketches - - particularly the Palin ones - - are what have made me consider actually watching the show again. Then, I watch a performance like Alec Baldwin's in this sketch and remember why I don't bother.

I know the show is written in days and I know that changes are made right up to air time, but at least TRY to memorize SOME of your lines! Reading your lines directly off of a teleprompter and not looking at the people you are in the scene with KILLS the sketch. 

You'll notice that the real Sarah Palin is almost 100% off book for this sketch. That woman knows how to memorize talking points and spew them out, even when they have nothing to do with the question being asked.

Tina Fey still does a better pagent walk, though.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

"Can You Read My Mind?"

Remember a few days ago when I posted that incredibly hot picture of the guy with Wonder Woman on his shirt that almost went unseen because of his GIGANTIC package...

...the likes of which we haven't seen since that Citizen Steel cover for the JSA a few months ago...

...and said that I didn't know tha man named Fabian who created the image, but I NEEDED to know him?

Just indulge me and say that you remember...

But seriously, how could you forget that package?!?

Well apparently, sometimes wishes come true, because I received a lovely email from Fabian telling me about his brand new blog named Pic of the Gay, which Fabian has already filled with his incredible work.

And the best part is that Fabian created these images to be used as custom made iTunes album covers. And they're free. With our economy sinking lower than McCain's ballsac (sorry for the mental image), free hot, sexy, beautiful, comic art is the best.

Thanks Fabian and a quick question: Ever thought about combining Dolly Parton with Tim Drake's Robin? Or am I the only Dolly fan with a Robin fetish? Just askin'...

Friday, October 17, 2008

Fratboy Friday


Could he... any cuter...

...if he tried?!? 

Not at all.



Yes, the sagger is cute, but look... what's in... the white... shorts...



I already miss summer.



"Fuck me? Why, I though you'd never ask."

"The Strongest Candidate"

Today, the Chicago Tribune announced its endorsement of Sen. Barack Obama for President of the United States.

This the first time in the long history of the paper that the Tribune has endorsed a Democratic nominee.

I have only one thing to say to the Chicago Tribune...

'Atta girl.

Here is their endorsement...

"However this election turns out, it will dramatically advance America's slow progress toward equality and inclusion. It took Abraham Lincoln's extraordinary courage in the Civil War to get us here. It took an epic battle to secure women the right to vote. It took the perseverance of the civil rights movement. Now we have an election in which we will choose the first African-American president . . . or the first female vice president.

"In recent weeks it has been easy to lose sight of this history in the making. Americans are focused on the greatest threat to the world economic system in 80 years. They feel a personal vulnerability the likes of which they haven't experienced since Sept. 11, 2001. It's a different kind of vulnerability. Unlike Sept. 11, the economic threat hasn't forged a common bond in this nation. It has fed anger, fear and mistrust.

"On Nov. 4 we're going to elect a president to lead us through a perilous time and restore in us a common sense of national purpose.

"The strongest candidate to do that is Sen. Barack Obama. The Tribune is proud to endorse him today for president of the United States."

"A Maverick Cop..."

Max Payne opens this weekend. I'm not a video game guy...

...unless we're talking Asteroids, Ms. Pac-Man and the Atari 2600 version of Pitfall, which was my favorite game to play as a kid because Pitfall Harry ran and swam in PERFECT time to the music of Toni Basil's Mickey... I didn't know anything about this new vehicle for Mark "Just Drop Your Pants and Be a Calvin Klein Underwear Model Again" Wahlberg.

This is the synopsis I found on Fandango...

"A maverick cop faces a supernatural battle when he descends into a dark underworld to find those who killed his family and his partner."

Maverick?!? Dear sweet Jesus. That word is popping up everywhere. Playing the Maverick Drinking Game is kicking my ass.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

"Deeper Into You"

For Philip. This is Johnny Hazzard (or as Philip calls him "J-Hazz") singing... performing... umm... Let's just say he's doing what he does best in his video for "Deeper Into You."  

Oh Johnny, you had me at the title.

Not bad at all, Johnny. I mean it. Compared to Eddie Murphy's Party All the Time, Johnny is the next Jack Wrangler. That was meant as a compliment. Really.

"My Friend, Joe the Plumber"

During last week's Presidential debate, I thought that nothing could be more annoying than Sen. John McCain's incessant use of the words, "My friends."

Sen. McCain, you're not my friend, you're just an employee working for the people of Arizona.

I don't like being told I'm someone's "friend." I don't like it when a boyfriend downgrades our "I've got regular sex and a date on national holidays" relationship to "just friends," and really despise it when a political kiss-ass, lagging in the polls, tries to upgrade our "I'm a citizen and you're my elected bitch" relationship to the cloyingly precious "my friends" level.

Like we're about to break into "Bosom Buddies" from Mame or something. John, I repeat - - "I was NEVER in the chorus!"

You see Mr. McCain, just because you claim something to be true doesn't necessarily make it become the truth. If that were the case, I would be repeating "28-inch waist, 12-inch cock and a full head of long, luxurious, smartly styled hair." My mantra.

But last night, "My friends" took a backseat to the most annoying callback since Urkel's, "Did I do that?" - - Joe, the Plumber.

Bringing up - - and continuing to refer to!!!! - - "Joe the Plumber" ad nasueum didn't bring McCain closer to the Heartland or the struggling middle class or even his core supporters - - "Old Men with Potato-like Skin Who Can't Raise Their Arms Above Their Nipples."

Enough of "Joe the Plumber." Unless of course he looks like the cutie above and he knocks on my door saying that he's come to clean my pipes.

And while we're at it, let's put "Joe Six Pac" out of circulation as well.

As much as I enjoy chiseled abs, I only want to hear those words grouped together if Nancy McKeon returns to her mulleted-80's glory as Jo in a Facts of Life tv reunion special.

And she's carrying six beers. And Mindy Cohn.