My New Favorite Caption Contest #46

This one was a toughie.

Of course, looking at the picture, "This one was a toughie" could possibly be a caption. Not at Caption Contest winner, but a caption nonetheless.

Choosing a winner was tough because there were SO MANY good captions to choose from. From Philip's "I miss the hell outta that dog," to Nick's possible twice-winning caption, "No one had the heart to tell grandpa it wasn't a real boy." But as I read over all the entries just now, one made me laugh, possibly a little too hard. And the caption / new song lyric that Philip wrote just won't go out of my head...

"Cuz I got one hand in ma pocket. /

And the other one is rubbing a wall schlong."

It just makes me giggle. A lot. I almost hope that Philip would re-write the rest of the lyrics to that song so that I could sing it. Somewhere.

Sure, singing the new lyrics to an audience of people who've never seen this picture would be like trying to understand all the inside jokes at your spouse's office Christmas party, but it would make me laugh. And quite frankly, if I laugh at my own jokes, I score that as a Win.

The picture I've chosen for the #46 Caption Contest is, in my opinion, hotter to look at, but somehow much more disturbing than a Wilford Brimley look-alike petting a gigantic, wall-mounted, wooden elephant cock...

Yeah... I got nothin'... Seriously, nothin'...

Captions are DEFINITELY needed.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #45

Okay, here's the deal...

I will be more attentive to my little caption contest and will A) choose a winner for each contest and then B) post a new picture for everyone to caption in a timely fashion (a.k.a. "before Halley's comet returns")

That's not a New Year's resolution. It's not a promise. It's not even a goal. It's just something I'm going to put out into the universe with the hope that somehow, it will magically become true, even though I will do absolutely nothing to make that happen. (Ooo, I am callin' me out, ain't I?)

I think certain people call that "prayer." Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Now, the last picture I posted for the #44 Caption Contest (back in July - - don't think of me as lazy, think of the contest as bi-annual) was bizarre little comic-con photo that once again provided Philip with the ultimate canvas for another brilliant caption...

"There were a few touch-and-go years there

when Drew Barrymore would date ANYTHING!"

A brilliantly funny caption that works on so many different levels, none of which I am able to explain. I just know that it's funny. Like the letter "k." And the word "pleather." And Glenn Beck crying.

Speaking of huge dicks, here's the picture for the #45 Caption Contest...

I don't know what IT is, I don't know who HE is, but I do know that if I saw something like that dangling out of a wall, I would do exactly what this man is doing...

I'd touch it. And if it started getting bigger, I'd marry it.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #44

Well, I went another three months without choosing a winner for the #43 Caption Contest.

It's not that it took me that long to decide, it's that I was waiting to stumble upon a picture bizarre enough to follow this one...

"No one had the heart to tell Grandpa
that it wasn't a real boy."

The winning caption came from Nick. Cute, sexy, funny and sadly "partnered with equally cute and sexy boyfriend" Nick Lewis, I believe. Right?

Great caption, Nick. I love it. So funny. Because it's so true.

But what could be more entertaining than a German granddaddy wearing lederhosen with a bright, yellow hanky proudly poking out of his left back pocket? Perhaps this picture that I just found of two attendees of San Diego's Comic-Con this weekend...


I'm not quite sure what this duo is or what it means, but I friggin' love it! I thought the picture I took of Super Grover meeting the Cookie Monster one Halloween was the ultimate team-up pic, but Cookie Monster with Nurse Joker? I have no words.

So, help me out with a caption. And if possible, the name of the genius photographer who snapped this pic.

And if you happen to be that photographer, I wanna party with you, Cowboy...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #43

My buddy Bea left the following comment on one of my posts yesterday...

"I don't really have anything to say about this, but can you PLEASE take away that picture of a lady snuggling a grandma doll on your sidebar? It's giving me the heebs."

Bea: I'm not sure if "the heebs" is a minor case of "the heebie-jeebies" or if that pic is forcing you to convert to Judaism, but either way, I'm on it!

And believe me, this one was a tough call! So many great captions were submitted. Like my friend Karen's submission...

"Chita decided to show Karen exactly 

what the lyrics 'a boy like that wants

 one thing only' mean!"

Or my new blog buddy Yellowdog Granny's caption, which proves that YG would make an EXCELLENT casting director...

"hmm, two fingers..and still tight, ok...she's got the part."

But the one that made me laugh the hardest was very simple and very Sondheim. Yes, once again, the winner of the caption contest is Philip with his submission...

"There's a place for that. A time and place for that."

That makes me giggle in so many ways. The caption and Chita's fist. But I'm not at liberty to discuss last Saturday with Ms. Rivera, so we'll move on...

From West Side Story to a picture that looks like a production still from Springtime for Hitler. Here's the picture for Caption Contest #43...

So not right in so many ways. Give "the little wooden boy" a caption, guys.

Hmmm... I wonder if Bea will get the heebs from this too? Or does all the German cancel that out?

My New Favorite Caption Contest #42

It's taken me almost four months to choose a winner for the last Caption Contest and I'm not sure why. 

I mean, other than my usual tardiness, procrastination and my Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll worry about that tomorrow" way of coping with life.

I think the picture I chose was just too freaky. I wanted to choose a winner for the #41 contest, but the picture kept reminding of that creepy Anthony Hopkins film, Magic. 

The caption contest picture shows a bargain basement ventriloquist's dummy hugging a poor man's Ann-Margaret impersonator, and the movie Magic featured both a ventriloquist's dummy and Ann-Margaret. 

You could tell them apart in the movie because one of them gave a very wooden performance & couldn't even make it to the set without a hand up their ass, and the other one was a ventriloquist's dummy.

So, with all that, I chose to block the picture from my mind. In the same way that I block out certain ex-boyfriends, the crazy-assed Cosby sweaters I wore in the late 80's and most of the lyrics from the musical, Wicked.

But I can't keep blocking it from my mind. The picture, not the Wicked lyrics, I mean.

It's time to choose a winner and I'm going with the caption that Angel from Angel's Crash Pad wrote... 

"Watch, when his dick talks, her vagina moves."

I love it! So wrong, it's right. And I know it's true because that's what I do with my Carol Channing ventriloquist doll. 

Well, I would do that if I actually owned one. And if my ass could be substituted for the vagina mentioned above (Don't say it). And if Carol had a penis. I mean, if the doll version of Carol had a penis. Wait, DOES Carol have a penis? We know she ate corn, but a penis?...

Well, all this "Carol Channing in The Crying Game" nonsense aside, I've chosen a picture for the #42 Caption Contest that is both current, artistic and yet continues the previous contest's theme of a ventriloquist who can't quite keep her hand out of a familiar hole.

Only this time, it's not Ann-Margaret, it's Chita Rivera. And as you can see, Chita has her hand around (and quite possibly in) Karen Olivo.

Karen is in the Broadway revival of West Side Story that just opened last week. She plays Anita, the role Ms. Rivera originated. 

Chita met with Ms. Olivo and the rest of the cast last month. And, as you can see in the picture, Chita did... something... with her hand... to Karen...

Did Chita do that to Rita Moreno when the cast list for the movie version hit the press? Did Rita like it as much as Karen seems to like it?

I'll call Karen and Rita ("Hey, you guys!"). You give these girls a caption. And some lube.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #41

She's baaa-aaack!

There were so many incredible captions for the #40 Contest, but with only one submission, Philip nailed it. Here's his winning entry...

"I canna do it, Cap'n. I Juss. Canna. Do it!!"

I just have this mental picture of Shatner approaching James Doohan with that - - THING! - - and seeing this look of sheer terror in Scotty's eyes. 

Because something tells me that neither Kirk nor Shatner are gentle with it. Just ask Yvvonne Craig.

That said, banging a girl who is all green isn't nearly as bizarre as whatever-the-Hell is going on in the picture for the #41 Caption Contest. Check out the flip side of Lars and the Real Girl...

Yeah. But you know, who am I to judge. Me and My Imaginary Boyfriends. Well, as far as you know, they're imaginary.

No, they're all imaginary. If I even tried to sleep with Johnny Hazzard, Philip would cut me like the bitch I am!

Anyway, give this couple a caption. And give her some tweezers for the splinters.

Oh sweet Jesus, why did my mind have to go there?!? Yeah, you're right. Because that's what I'd have done with him. I'd never have to sleep in the wet spot...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #40

The election and a rally and preparation for Season of Concern's big December 1st World AIDS Day benefit have kept me from choosing the winner of the #39 Caption Contest.

I've been busy, but it's taken me this long to choose a winner because all of the submissions were so damn good! One, however, really made me laugh and seems to be the exact words being spoken by this Superman of Earth-"Oops, I Crapped My Pants."

The winner of the #39 Caption Contest is Bunny from Down the Rabbit Hole with her caption...

"Yes, I'm waiting for the G-D bus. 

If one more person asks me why I just don't fly . . . "

Brilliant! I love it! His face just SCREAMS that!

And by the way, if you want to read a kick-ass comic that deals with an older, different Superman, I HIGHLY recommend the Justice Society of America Kingdom Come Special: Superman, written by Alex Ross, art by Alex Ross. It's really wonderful.

As for the picture for the #40 contest, ever since I saw the trailer for the new Star Trek prequel that was shown before Quantum of Solace, I knew what picture I was going to use...

Somehow I doubt this rock formation dildo is going to be featured in the new Star Trek film, but if it did find its way in - - to the film and into either Chris Pine or Zachary Quinto - - I'd love it. Hold on... I'm getting a mental picture... Okay, I'm back...

Give Kirk and his Shatastic rock formation a caption. Before you get lost in the same mental picture I did. 

My New Favorite Caption Contest #39

I've had a rather rough time for the past three or four days, so reading over the captions for last week's contest really helped me laugh. Uterus jokes, golem jokes, a killer Dancing with the Stars reference from Mike Ellis and a lot of people who were slightly surprised that, even after you rip his gallbladder out of his body, Philip's still got about 20 possible jokes for every situation. 

Which is why I had hard time choosing a caption this week; each one of them made me laugh.

But the one that made me guffaw may not be AS funny to other people, because "other people" probably haven't spent hours upon hours listening to every musical theatre album that has ever been released on cd, mp3, cassette, 8-track, vinyl, or phonograph cylinder, trying to figure out exactly what lyrics Patti Lupone is singing in Evita and remaining calm as we tell our friends for the 487th time that what we're listening to is not a soundtrack - - movies have soundtracks - - this is an ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING!!!

Here's Philip's winning caption...

"We'll always be bosom buddies..."

I love that because it makes me think of Bea Arthur. And also, because my friend Max is in a production of Mame right now that is getting great reviews. Congratulations, Max.

I chose this week's picture, because this is exactly how I feel right now...

Worn down and used up. Or as my Daddy used to say, "Rode hard and put up wet." Which is a bad thing, not a sexual thing.

Poor Supes. If this is where he's going to end up, maybe he should have stayed dead. At least he could have gone out with a bang. And killer 90's hair.

Give the old, blue and red boyscout a caption, will you? He needs something.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #38

The picture for last week's caption contest was sent to me by my good friend Ruth.

It was an album cover, and I cropped out the name of the group and the HYSTERICAL name of the album.

Here they are, The Faith Tones, with their hit album, "Jesus Use Me!"

What the fuck?!?

How did this make it to press? How?!?

Well, now that you know where the picture came from, I can now announce the winner of the #37 Caption Contest.

The winner is Doug from I Get That a Lot with this brilliant caption...

"Her eyeglasses always made Norma feel like the homely one."

Love it, Doug! LOVE IT!!!! Poor Norma. I know just how she feels. Truly, I do.

I chose this week's picture after taking Kathy Griffin's advice and doing a Google image search to check out the "I'm a Slutty 15 Year Old" pictures of Miley Cyrus that MILEY TOOK HERSELF!

But instead of choosing one of those VERY DISTURBING pictures, I thought this one was in SERIOUS need of a caption...

I'm not sure what's going on here, but I love it. I love it so hard.

I know, I know. Give 'em a caption. After you've picked your jaw off the floor.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #37

He may be sick and in the hospital, but when it comes to captions, Philip is still bringing his A game.

Here's Philip's winning caption from the #36 Contest...

"Knees together, worlds apart."

Yep, that says it all.  Congratulations, Philip.  Get well soon, my friend.

While Philip is laid up in the hospital - - and "laid up" is probably what is going to happen to Philip once he feels better, since the HUNKY, hot male nurse was all up in his room today, over and over - - I submit this picture that my friend Ruth sent me for captions this week...

I won't tell you where this picture comes from until after the contest is over, but I will say this - - the words associated with this picture are brilliantly funny in and of themselves.  

Still, a picture like this just HAS to be passed on for the world's enjoyment.  And so that I can find two other gay men to join me in re-creating this look for Halloween '09. 

So, give these girls a caption.  And take away their Aqua Net.  STAT!

P.S. Contrary to popular belief, the woman on the right is NOT my mother.

It's my aunt.  So there.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #36

When it came to choosing a winner for the #35 Caption Contest, I was very tempted to name Steve's submission of...

"Am I too late for the Cheetos orgy?"

...simply because of this picture of me and Missy Young with Chester Cheeto during last week's AIDS Walk.

(More AIDS Walk pics to come.)

But Kevin, the blogger formerly known as Shirley Heezgay who currently has a great new blog entitled The Lisp submitted a caption that I think sums up EXACTLY what is going through this cute, shirtless boy's mind as he stand surrounded by a sea of orange...

"Let's see...rhymes with orange? oh, i know...Loser. 

Not all poetry rhymes, ya know."

Great caption, Kevin.  Very "a sane man in an insane world."

And speaking of the insane... 

Well, Sarah Palin isn't "insane," but let's face it - - after that Katie Couric interview, we all know she's not the brightest bulb in the box, right?  She probably has to study for her Pap Test.

So, what was she thinking when she met with former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.  Or better yet, what was Kissinger thinking when he met the Alaskan Governor who can see Russia from her house?

The possibilities for a caption here are endless.  And the fact that she might possibly lead our nation is both ridiculous and frightening, isn't it?

My New Favorite Caption Contest #35

There were some great captions submitted for last week's caption contest.  I think this little piece of "Redneck Heaven in a Ballcap" helped explain my love of tight-bodied, "Scattered, Smothered and Covered" Waffle House Southerners who shake Darwin's theories of evolution and natural selection to their very core.

The winning caption was once again the first caption submitted.  Mikey from The Gospel According to Mikey is incredibly cute and his caption had just enough of a callback to Dolly Parton's latest album that I had no choice but to make it the winning caption...

"Backwoods Ken: Sex appeal included, brains sold separately."

Mikey is so right - - this 2008 version of The Rifleman definitely has sex appeal. Sure, his family only recently evolved opposable thumbs, but he's sexy.  And packin'.

I chose this week's picture because of the sports fans bathed in orange, something I saw way too much of this past Friday evening as the UT Vols (my alma mater) were gearing up to play the Florida Gators on Saturday...

If I had seen one more "UT football" orange and white t-shirt with the words "My Blood Runs Deep Orange" emblazoned on the front, I would have gone postal by way of Deliverance.  And since I don't play the banjo and my parents are not cousins, I just can't pull that off.

But I'm better now.  And I can admire the shirtless boy in the center, even though he's surrounded by orange t-shirts, an orange "trace your hand and make a turkey" dude to his right (wtf?!?) and two Rum-Tum-Tugger looking orange stalkers directly behind him.  

Give 'em a caption.  Or help them find a word that ryhmes with "orange."  

My New Favorite Caption Contest #34

Once again in the Caption Contest, the first entry takes the prize.  

Though there were many incredibly funny captions for the #33 Contest, this one from Polt at Polt's Palace really made me laugh...

"After less than an hour at the convention, 

Abe realized he really DID prefer the theater."

Brilliant caption, Polt.  So funny because it's SO true.

For this week's contest, I decided upon a picture that reflects my Southern roots.  That, and it reminded me of that fake Sarah Palin pic that everyone's been talking about...

I do so love those backwoods boys.  When it comes to rednecks, the redder the better for me.

Give him a caption.  And make sure that safety is on for pity's sake.  

My New Favorite Caption Contest #33

There were several really funny captions for the #32 Contest, but my dear friend Lance over at Yokel Boy Makes Good really summed it all up...

And by "it all," I mean the guy on the left's clitoris-sized penis...

"Hey, what up Ken doll!"

Superb caption, Lance. But you know, even though I'm not a big fan of miniatures, I'd still keep that boy around. I mean, his hand works, doesn't it?

If that didn't gross you out, this will - - Republicans REALLY like Gov. Sarah Palin. They have been re-energized by, as Bill Maher dubbed them, "The Maverick and the MILF."

What was touted as a ridiculous choice a week ago is now hailed as a brilliant campain decision. WTF? In the spirit of keeping my enemies closer than my friends, I was reading about this week's Republican National Convention and found several pictures that seemed perfect for the Caption Contest.

For instance, I thought about using this picture of Cindy McCain wearing $313,000 in couture as she spoke on behalf of the political party said to be comprised of and fighting for America's working class citizens.

Real people. Wearing Oscar de la Renta. To go bowling.

Nothing says "I'm not like that uppity Liberal guy" quite like the tailored fit of high priced couture. And 25k in pearls.

She looks fantastic, but why is the rich woman in couture "working class" while the man who worked hard all his life to better himself and his situation considered "elitist?"

Cindy McCain: a Wal-Mart message in a Louis Vuitton bag.

At the other end of the fashion spectrum, there is this woman who also attended the convention.

Believe it or not, the estimated cost to create her "Dumbo By Way of The Lion King" look is significantly less than $313,000.

I'm assuming that this Marjorie Main Look-a-Like made that "elephant hat" all by herself.

I know it's the symbol of the Republican Party, but a woman of a certain size wearing an elephant face on her head... well...

...When I wear my t-shirt that says "You Are What You Eat," I know someone will say "That makes you a dick!" I'm just asking for it.

Then, there were the full-out costumes at the convention. And even though costume is the Serena to fashion's Samantha, I think this convention picture is the most interesting and the most challenging to caption...

No, that's not the American Indian from those "Every Time You Litter an Indian Sheds a Tear" commericals. That's Missouri delegate George Engelbach.

As you can see, Mr. Engelbach attended the convention dressed as "Honest Abe - In Pinstripes!" To me, the choice of the pinstriped suit turned this Abraham Lincoln convention ensemble into a half-assed, badly planned Halloween costume.

But "half-assed" and "badly planned" are phrases that today, symbolize all things Republican, so I'll give him a pass.

Especially since it makes me wonder what Honest Abe would think if, sometime in the 1860's, he hopped in a DeLorean and drove 88 miles per hour to attend this year's Republican Convention.

There's at least an Our American Cousin joke in there somewhere, right? Give Abe a caption.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #32

You know you have a winning caption when Philip...

...A multiple Caption Contest winner and the man who once referred to me on stage as "Sister Mary Propecia" and lived to tell the tale...

...doesn't even attempt to come up with a funnier caption because...

Well basically Steve, you had Philip at "docking pun."

So, the #32 Caption Contest Winner is my buddy Steve. Steve donated his time and talent at Karen Bronson's Season of Concern cabaret benefit a week or so ago and slayed the audience when he sang about Dolores del Rio.

Funny and generous - - I love that in a man. Here's Steve's winning caption...

"Ready for docking, Captain . . . "

I love it! Maybe Zachary Quinto will say that to Chris Pine in the new Star Trek movie. Or maybe I'll say that to Chris Pine in person sometime soon. Anything's possible...

In the meantime, nothing really says "Labor Day" like a couple of guys in Speedos. Right?

Okay, what is the guy on the right staring at? No, really... what, if anything, IS he staring at?!?

Give 'em a caption and help me figure it out. Or help the guy on the left find his package. Just sayin'...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #32

This week, there were SEVERAL brilliant captions for Contest #31. Among them Bunny from Down the Rabbit Hole gave us...

"It was another one of those
damn Bea Arthur dreams!"

And here I thought that only I had Bea Arthur dreams. Of course, I refer to mine as nightmares, but still...

Then, Jer from You're Being Ridiculous submitted...

"ok, there's gaydar and
then there's GAYDAR"

I used to have that kind of gaydar in middle school. Only it was in reverse. I got wood whenever I saw a straight guy. It caused a lot of problems. I'm just sayin'...

And my buddy Steve from ...not that there's anything wrong with that! wrote...

"Looks like the turkey is ready . . ."

Love it, Steve. And while I am in love with Philip's "Marco---?," I had to go with a new player for the Caption Contest. Kansastock submitted this caption that really made me laugh...

"Not bad... but you know why black only comes in XL, don't you?"

Funny AND bitchy. Now, that's my kind of caption. Thanks, Kanastock!

The picture for this week's contest is in a similar vein... so to speak...

Aren't straight boys silly when they pretend that they're about to grab their buddy's "woody?" Is this Gay Chicken 2.0 or something?

Stop screwing around, put it in your mouth and be done with it, I say. Give 'em a caption, y'all.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #31

Once again this week, there were several brilliant submissions for the #30 Caption Contest.

Joy from tryna to find a way submitted the caption that makes the most sense to me...

"Stephen... Was... Here..."

Joy, thanks for believing that I could bag a beautiful butt like that. And that Mr. Humpy Fucker would enjoy our 15 minutes of passion so much (alright, 10 minutes of passion... would you believe 5?) that he would tattoo my name on his oh-so-perfect ass.

If those two things ever happened, I would know that I had found Heaven. Or Shangri-La. Or I would realize that the mushrooms had just kicked in. Hard.

But even though Joy's caption takes me to Heaven, the one and only caption submitted by Philip this week makes me laugh out loud every time I read it...

"Enter before knocking."

That is hysterical. It reminds me of one of my favorite Dorothy Parker quotes - - "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think." Genius.

This week's picture... well, it does include guys in bathing suits, but Michael Phelps they ain't!

I'm not sure what's going on here, but somehow I doubt I'm going to see anything like this when I'm in Hilton Head, SC in a few weeks.

However, if I AM lucky enough to see something like this in Hilton Head, you can rest assured that I know EXACTLY what to do with it.

And no, I'm not thinking of playing a game of ring toss.

Give these two a caption. And a room.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #30

This week, we celebrate the return of a true comedy writing champion to the Caption Contest.

That's right, Philip is the winner of the #29 Caption Contest. And even though he hasn't won the Contest in a few weeks and even though he has once again surpassed himself with several brilliantly funny caption submissions, I hesitate to describe Philip's win this week as a "Comeback."

Why? Well, because we're theatre people. If I say this win is Philip's "Comeback," he might go all Norma Desmond on me, buy a casket for a dead monkey, put on a turban (which, he would look friggin' FABULOUS in because he's the Carrie friggin' Bradshaw of Boystown Chicago) and then appear out of nowhere on the street tomorrow morning shouting...

"I hate that word! It's a return!
A return to the millions of people
who have never forgiven me
for deserting the screen."

So that said, I give you Philip's RETURN as winner of the Caption Contest...

"Snacks for a pool party: $40

"Inflatable dolphin: $30

"Giving the retarded kid something to do while
the rest of us enjoy ourselves: Priceless."

It was between that submission of Philip's and "Butterflies are free but dolphins charge by the hour!" Both are brilliant, but I went with the "Priceless" joke. Because it's slightly offensive.

You know, joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

And speaking of "taking a fuck," after seeing the picture below, don't you wish that you were a tattoo artist? Specializing on ass tats...

It's not a dude riding a plastic dolphin, but I think there are SEVERAL options with this picture. So give this boy a caption.

Or just sit and stare at his hot, Hot, HOT ass. Like I am... right now...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #29

All of the captions submitted for Contest #28 were truly brilliant.

And many of you informed me that it looks as though the shirtless boy in the pic is not only uber-drunk - - his blood-alcohol level is somewhere between Amy Winehouse and David Hasselhoff - - but he also seems to be handcuffed.

And if he is naked and handcuffed, I say to the guy in the Polo shirt, "Atta girl!"

This time, a new participant to the Contest submitted two entries that were both absolutely brilliant.

James from Shoeless James first submitted this hilarious caption...

"We are SO going to get it on tonight. Once he's done throwing up."

Which is extremely funny, but makes me think that James perhaps actually overheard those two sentences. About a year ago. In a bathroom. In a bar. Said by me.

But James' winning caption is also funny. And just happens to be my idea of the perfect Saturday night...

"It always starts with one finger, but he always begs me for more."

Wonderful caption, James! Both of them!

Ain't that always the way? How many "Mr. Online Right Nows" have we met who need to edit the spelling of "Total Top" in their online profile to the letters "P-U-S-H-Y B-O-T-T-O-M?"

The picture for Contest #29 once again is ripe with possibilities. I chose this pic because my brother Jeff actually bought one of these blowup dolphin pool floats for me during our vacation in Hilton Head a couple of years ago.

Did I love it? Hell yes!

Did I mount it and float for hours in the ocean? Of course I did!

Did I notice the stares, the snickers and the mothers who shielded their childrens' eyes as if they were Lot's Wife looking back at Sodom riding on a blowup dolphin? Yeah...

But I was too busy working out the details of a soon-to-be-performed Lars and the Real Girl-esque role playing scene with my own, personal, plastic Flipper.

However, I never made THAT face while I was riding my plastic dolphin. Sure, that was what I was FEELING with my legs wrapped around Flipper, but I didn't show it. I was raised right.

Give this boy a caption. And remind him to always hold on to the handles while humping the blowup dolphin. When you're riding a plastic fish covered in Astroglide, safety first, always!