Sunday, September 30, 2007

RITZ Pic

The revival of Terrance McNally's bathhouse farce, THE RITZ, doesn't open until October 11th, but a few production photos are circulating around.

So far, this one is my favorite...

On the left, that's Kevin Chamberlin who plays Gaetano Proclo. And on the right - - yep, we all want to know who that is on the right, don't we? - - that's Matthew Montelongo.

I know you'll find this hard to believe, but in THE RITZ, Matthew plays the role of "Patron in Chaps." Dear Lord, I wish I had that on my resume.

As you can see from the picture above...

A) Matthew is HOT and deserves a Tony Award. In that outfit, I could care less if he can "act." Honestly, in that outfit, I could care less if he can talk.

B) If you want an audience's attention, wear chaps, not a trench coat. Tim Gunn's list of 10 "Must Haves" for women may include a trench coat, but for men, chaps are definitely a top 5 "Must Have." (And by "chaps," I mean the clothing, not the cologne).

C) Anytime chaps are called for in a costume design plot, it's a REALLY GAY show. Think about it. What other show would you need guys in chaps? Hmmmm... I know of another one - - OKLAHOMA. See? That's a REALLY GAY show!!!

Break a leg on opening night, Kevin and Matthew.

Oh, and Matthew - - call me.

And Matthew - - one more thing. The next time you pose for production photos, move your hot package to the right or left of that railing / bar-thingy. It's blocking our view of your goods and that's NOT how you sell tickets, ok?

The First Miss Moneypenny

Sad news: Lois Maxwell - - the first actress to play M's secretary, Miss Moneypenny, in the James Bond films - - has died.

I'm not sure if this fits the homosexual stereotype, but I am a HUGE James Bond fan.

Ms. Maxwell played Moneypenny in the first Bond movie I ever saw, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, which I only sat down to watch after I became obsessed with Sheena Easton who sang the title song. (I was. Obsessed. Seriously. Long story)

Lois Maxwell was in 14 James Bond movies - - from DR. NO to the last Roger Moore Bond film, A VIEW TO A KILL.

And with a only a few variations here and there, she basically played the same scene over and over again in every Bond movie. But I never got tired of seeing Ms. Maxwell get the better of Bond in those scenes.

She was a perfect foil for Bond because she never became a "Bond Girl." She flirted with James, but she never slept with him. Throughout the film series, Bond toys and play with almost every woman he meets, but Moneypenny, especially as played by Ms. Maxwell, is one of a very few women with the ability to toy and play with him.

Which is no small feat when you consider that the Bond character is described in one of the Bond films (M, played by Dame Judi Dench in GOLDEN EYE) as "a sexist misogynist dinosaur."

Ms. Maxwell's ability to hold her own against and beside Bond shines through in her first scene from DR. NO...
Miss Moneypenny: James! Where have you been? I've been searching all over London for you. [Picks up phone.] 007 is here sir. [Slaps Bond's hand away from the papers on her desk.]

James Bond
: Moneypenny! What gives?


Miss Moneypenny
: Me, given an ounce of encouragement. You've never taken me to dinner looking like this. You've never taken me to dinner, period.


James Bond
: I would, you know. Only I would be court-martialed for tampering with government property.


Miss Moneypenny
: Flattery will get you nowhere... but don't stop trying.
Any woman who responds with "me" when she's asked, "What gives?" is my kind of woman!

And "Flattery will get you nowhere... but don't stop trying." Well done, Moneypenny. Well done.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

All Things Dolly

I found this Dolly Parton quote in a new YouTube clip and I had to copy it down, because once again, Dolly tells it like it is!

"When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he's looking.

"See, if he's lookin' at my eyes, he's lookin' for intelligence.


"If he's lookin' at my mouth, well he's lookin' for wit and wisdom.

"And if he's lookin' anywhere else except my chest, he's lookin' for another man."


****

Speaking of Dolly, a good friend of mine - - and frequent commenter here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? - - just landed a job at Dollywood for November and December that pays a much better salary than any other Equity contract that could be found in Chicago these days. Congratulations, my friend! I'm so happy for you and proud of you.

Not only does this mean that I'll (hopefully) get into the park for free when I'm back home for Christmas, but it also means that this gentleman and his partner have the good fortune (or bad luck) to be spending the holidays with my family!!!

What are the holidays like with my family?

Well, a few years ago when I was 40 pounds heavier, I walked into my aunt's Christmas Eve party and her first words to me were not "Merry Christmas" or "Welcome home!" No, her first words were...

"My Lord, you've gained weight!"

My mother, ever my champion, immediately countered with...

"Well, have you seen the jowls on your son?!?"

TENDER TENNESSEE CHRISTMAS, my ass!

Friday, September 28, 2007

One of Tonight's "New Rules" from Bill Maher

I just finished watching tonight's episode of REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER and I laughed my ass off at this - - tonight's next to last "New Rule": (these are his words, not mine)...

New Rule:
Stop playing "
Matchmaker" to your gay friends.



If there's anything gay men hate more than clutter, it's when one of their straight friends says...

"There's this new guy at work and he's gay. You two should totally go out!"

Like that's the only requirement for two gay men to date...

"You like penises? I like penises. Let's get married!"

Just once, I'd like to hear a gay man tell a straight girl...

"Hey, I met this guy yesterday and he's straight. You should fuck him!"

Fratboy Friday

David Cerda said it best today on the HELL IN A HANDBAG blog.

He was discussing the online quiz results he was posting and he said...

"I found on my friend Stephen Rader's blog. This one was somewhere between the outraged activist messages and the half naked frat boys."

Well, since my previous post is definitely from my "outraged activist" side, I guess that means it's time for FRATBOY FRIDAY!!!

Here are this week's...

BOYS IN CAPS

That right there is everything I love in a fratboy - - Cute, cocky and CUT!

And I swear, I didn't cut that girl out of the picture. Honest!

I would have if she wasn't already cut out, but somebody beat me to it.

****
SAGGERS

Again, another classic fratboy look.

Every man looks best in a crisp, white button-down shirt.

Especially when it's just hanging from his belt and not covering up all that
yummy man-meat.

****

MOONERS

I know this guy is probably not INTENTIONALLY mooning someone...

...but that ass is just TOO NICE not to give it a little ATTENTION!

Besides, that boy is the perfect lead-in to my favorite Fratboy Friday category...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

I love it when these fratboys get so drunk that they start doing imitations of Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

I mean, tucking your cock and balls between your legs to make it look like you have a pussy...

...that's not gay... not gay at all..

No way, dude. No way...

A.M. and M.A.

At the United Nations this week, everyone laughed when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there were no gay people in Iran.

I'm sure the laughter continued later at a press conference when Mr. Ahmadinejad continued by saying...

"Seriously, I don’t know of any."

And I'm sure there was even more laughter when a journalist told Mr. Ahmadinejad that he knew of a few homosexuals in Iran and Ahmadinejad said...

"As for homosexuality, I don’t know where it is. Give me an address so that we are also aware of what happens in Iran."

Give him an address, so that those homosexuals known by this journalist can be added to the over 4,000 gay and lesbians that have been executed in Iran since the Ayatollahs seized power in 1979.

Gay men - - no, gay teenagers - - like Mahmoud Asgari, age 16, and Ayaz Marhoni, age 18 who were publicly executed in Iran on July 19, 2005 for the "crime" of homosexuality.

They were hanged in Edalat (Justice) Square in the city of Mashhad, in north east Iran. They were sentenced to death by Court No. 19.

According to the UK Gay News story...

"Iran enforces Islamic Sharia law, which dictates the death penalty for gay sex.

"One youth was aged 18 and the other was a minor under the age of 18. They were only identified by their initials, M.A. and A.M.

"They admitted – probably under torture, London-based gay human rights group Outrage! suggests – to having gay sex but claimed in their defence that most young boys had sex with each other and that they were not aware that homosexuality was punishable by death.

"Prior to their execution, the teenagers were held in prison for 14 months and severely beaten with 228 lashes."

Here they are, just prior to their execution.

Not so funny now, is it?

I am the LAST person who wants the United States to enter into a war with Iran, but allow this story to remind us of a few things...

Let's remember that gay men were the lowest of the low in the concentration camps.

Let's remember that Harvey Milk's murderer got off with little more than a slap on the wrist because he ate a Twinkie.

Let's remember that President Ronald Reagan didn't even say the WORD AIDS for YEARS into his presidency and allowed our loved ones to die horrific, painful deaths while he did NOTHING to stop it.

Let's remember that we're hated. That for some reason, men can kill each other but we mustn't kiss each other.

But most of all, let's remember these two teenage boys who Iranian history only wanted to call "A.M. and M.A."

Ayaz Marhoni and Mahmoud Asgari.


Thank you again and again to NightCharm for posting this powerful story.

NightCharm is a porn blog of sorts. See? We can have dicks AND brains - - at the same time.

Childrens Do Listen

On Wednesday, President George W. Bush, speaking in defense of his education policy while surrounded by children, said the following...


"As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."

- President George W. Bush, Sept. 26, 2007


Are he and Britney in some sort of personal feud to see who can sink the lowest or appear the dumbest to the American people?

George, in the words of a Stephen Sondheim song from INTO THE WOODS...

"Careful the things you say. Childrens will listens.
Careful the things y'all does. Childrens will saw. And learns."


Four hundred seventy-nine days to go, everybody.

Think we're gonna make it?

Leave Jaime Somers Alone!

I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY DISGUSTED by critics - - both professional and blogger - - who watch one episode of a new television series and tell us how horrifically BAD the entire series is going to be.

I very much enjoyed Wednesday night's premiere episode of BIONIC WOMAN.

And apparently, the nation was just as intrigued as I was, since it won a 5.5 rating among adults 18 to 49, beating the show it played opposite, PRIVATE PRACTISE, which received a 5.1 rating.

My favorite thing about the episode was the storytelling. The scenes were cut in and out, back and forth, in such a way that the "establishing of location" shot - - one long shot showing a building, then an internal shot showing the character in a room in the building and THEN starting the scene - - was not used very much.

This lead to rapid advancement of the story, yet it didn't lead to confusion, either. I loved it.

And I loved the new Jaime Somers, Michelle Ryan, for all the reasons that some other "online critics" hated her - - she underplayed everything.

In contrast the "bad bionic woman" - - Katee Sackhoff playing "Sarah Corvus" - - ate so much scenery, I was afraid I was watching a Disney villain. One sure way to make an audience know that you're crazy is to play KAH-RAY-ZEE!

Well, she did. And even though I'm a big ol' fag who loves camp, I wasn't looking for camp in my new BIONIC WOMAN series.

And from what I could tell from the rest of the episode, neither were the creators. Ms. Sackhoff, however, gave the people what they wanted; she brought in the KAH-RAY-ZEE and apparently she was the hit of the episode.

This pilot episode had to establish Jaime, her family, her boyfriend, her relationship with her boyfriend, her boyfriend's secret government agency, that agency's agents, that agency's first bionic woman, how Jaime becomes the new bionic woman, how those bionics work, how a civilian gets is forced / convinced to work for this agency, how the new bionics affect her life, her body and her relationships AND most importantly, this episode had to give us a kick-ass bionic battle.

It had to do ALL of that in 40-something minutes.

So, all of you who thought that Ms. Ryan wasn't up to snuff or the script was lacking or the acting was bad or whatever - - write your own fucking script, go to Hollywood, sell it, get it produced and see it made into a pilot.

If all of your BRILLIANT ideas make it into that pilot, then by all means, give us your opinion on EVERYTHING.

Until then, give the series a little breathing room and let it find it's voice.

****

Oh, and if you really want something to compare this to, go back and watch the two-part episode of THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN where Jamie Somers was introduced in the 70's.

It ends with Lee Majors singing - - SINGING!!! - - a song about how much he loves Jaime...

...in a song called "Jaime" or some such bullshit...

...it's sung over the credits of the second episode of this two-parter...

...because she DIES at the end.

Yep. Jaime Somers died at the end of the two-part SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN episode in which she was introduced.

They brought Jaime back from the dead to be THE BIONIC WOMAN and star in her own series.

And since she was introduced as a Steve Austin's old girlfriend, she also gets a case of - - you guessed it - - amnesia.

So the writers wouldn't have to deal with too many crossovers between the two series.

Back from the dead with amnesia.

Can you imagine how the bloggers would have reacted to THAT back in the day?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Do You Think Linda Lavin Will Have A Big Number In This One, Too?

Well, we're living in the age of the "Jukebox Musical" - - and a few of those have won Tony Awards (God help us) - - but are we prepared for the age of the "Comic Book Musical?"

Apparently, yes.

Because I guess
Zatanna "mind-wiped" the memory of IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S SUPERMAN from the theatre community's collective conscious.

I'm talking about SPIDER-MAN: THE MUSICAL.

I guess the reading of the musical that was supposed to take place this past July actually DID take place and that people liked what they heard of the music by Bono and the Edge and the book by Glen Berger.

Neither of those two names thrill me and even though I'm a lover of both comic books AND musical theatre, the combination of the two into an evening at the theatre sounds both ridiculous and frightening to me.

The only name attached to the project that makes me feel even slightly optimistic is the director, Julie Taymor.

And according to a recent interview with Ms. Taymor, both the book and the music are so strong that they are searching for a venue....

"We want to open in New York, and there aren't enough Broadway houses. It's really tricky because ours is a big musical that's really unusual.

"It will have some fabulous things in it because it's got a very strong book. I'm very proud of the songs that Bono and Edge wrote.


"It's a real rock-and-roll musical, so we're not worried about that aspect. We just have to find wher
e we're going to do it -- even if we have to do it in a tent, which we're looking into -- and when. It'll at least be a year away."

I wish I had given the above interview, because then I could have responded with the following...

Yeah, Julie. "Big musical" is unusual these days.

Unless you count WICKED... and MARY POPPINS... oh, and GREASE... And XANADU... a
nd... well, anyway...

So, you're not worried about a "
real rock-and-roll musical," huh?

Yes, I know... RENT... and SPRING AWAKENING... Those are rockin' scores those kids today like, aren't they?

But Julie, RENT opened over 10 years ago and then SPRING AWAKENING opened last year.

Well, my POINT is that that's an average of one SEMI-real rock-and-roll musical every 10 years.
That makes a SPIDER-MAN "real rock-and-roll musical" something you MIGHT wanna worry about. Ya know?

Especially when you take into consideration who is asking to be a part of the show.


I'm talking about Marilyn Manson.

Yep, Spidey-fan Marilyn Manson has asked Ms. Taymor for a part in the Spider-Man musical.

I think he'd make a FABULOUS (and frightening) Aunt May, don't you?

P.S. Is Broadway so jammed packed with hit plays and musicals that Julie friggin' Taymor might have to do her gazillion dollar musical written by Bono IN A FUCKING TENT!?!?!

What is this?!?! BABES IN ARMS?!?!?


P.S.S. Does anyone get my reference from the title of this post? Anyone?

Charles Pierce

In the age of the Google Search, I am amazed by what people don't know.

And when you add to that the incredible clips that can be found on YouTube...

...and I'm not talking about the blathering on of some overly-eyelined, Britney-loving, psychotic homo-hillbilly...

...or some self-obsessed high school girl who can't sing, so she lip syncs THE CELL BLOCK TANGO and then other people watch it... REPEATEDLY...

...I am amazed by what people don't CARE to know.

Especially gay men.

To break any rule or to take anything to the next level - - whatever the Hell that means - - you have to know what came BEFORE.

And for some reason, today's young gay men tend to act as if they invented everything and if it's old, it must be worn out, tired and uninteresting.

I'm sure this is just me entering into middle age and feeling increasingly invisible when I walk into gay bars these days.

As Edina says in the "Birthday" episode of ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS...

"It's like I hit an oil patch at 35 and now I'm just SKIDDING toward the grave, darling!"

Still, by not caring about what came before, we're losing a little piece of our gay history. And really, we don't have very much gay history to lose.

So, when I find a clip like this on YouTube, it makes me so happy that I can post it and share it with as many people as possible.

This is the incomparable Charles Pierce in a show he did at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in 1982.

Charles passed away in 1999, but luckily we have little pieces of his live performances to show us the brilliance of his female illusion.

This is the tail end of the concert where Charles is doing my favorite of his impersonations - - Ms. Bette Davis.

Watch these clips and you'll see bits and pieces of a performance style that has been copied by a few current day entertainers.

Namely me. Hey, if you're gonna steal, steal from the best.





P.S. Like Leif Garrett, Charles Pierce also guest starred on an episode of WONDER WOMAN.

He does Bette Davis AND acts with Lynda Carter. What more do you want, folks?!?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Fifty Years Ago Today

Fifty years ago today, WEST SIDE STORY opened on Broadway.

I've heard so many Sondheim stories surrounding this show.

1) Like the fact that he's embarrassed by the lyrics he wrote for I FEEL PRETTY.

He really wanted to show himself off as a lyric writer, but when his friends saw the show in previews, they said, "You have an uneducated Puerto Rican girl singing like she's Noel Coward!"

Sondheim tried to change the lyrics to something more appropriate, but the producers wouldn't have of it. They LOVED the song.

2) Or how his friends - - probably the same friends - - refer to SOMEWHERE as the "Uh" song.

You know, "There's UH place for UH-s. Somewhere UH place for UH-s."

3) Or how, when Jerome Robbins was staging Tony's song MARIA, Mr. Robbins asked Sondheim what exactly Tony was "doing."

Sondheim said that Tony was singing about a girl he just met named Maria.

Robbins said, "Yes, but what is he DOING."

Sondheim was unable to answer much more than "he's singing about a girl he just met named Maria," so Robbins threw the music down and said, "Then YOU stage it!"


Fun and funny stories, but I think they show what Sondheim learned when he was working on WEST SIDE STORY (he was 27 at the time). He then applied what he learned in his music and lyric writing. And because of that, all of Sondheim's songs are character driven with the action built into the song.


Sondheim's songs are so specific to each character and to the musical in which they appear that you can't interchange them. A song from PACIFIC OVERTURES would never fit in FOLLIES. And vice versa.

However, you could switch the title songs from MAME and HELLO, DOLLY and no one would blink and eye.

Happy 50th, WSS.

By the way, did I ever tell you that in high school I played the wimpiest and faggiest Riff in the history of musical theatre? I did. It wasn't pretty.

My (Internet Chosen) Candidate

My beautiful cousin Kristie just sent me a link to this online quiz, but unlike the others I've taken, this one won't generate my Prison Bitch Name or Which Desperate Housewife I Am or Which Dead Celebrity I Am...

For Dead Celebrity, I originally got Elvis Presley, but it's been awhile since I took that quiz and a few more stars have passed away.

If I took it today, I would probably get Charles Nelson Reilly.
And I would LOVE IT!!!


This quiz gives you a very basic idea of which Presidential candidate is most in line with your views and opinions.

And even though I'm a big Ron Paul fan (Yes, he's running as a Republican, but listen to what that man says - - it's logical and impressive. When did we EVER think either of those two things about anything that came out of Dubya's mouth?), look who lines up best with my current political stance...

Dennis Kucinich
Score: 55
Agree
Iraq
Immigration
Taxes
Stem-Cell Research
Health Care
Abortion
Social Security
Line-Item Veto
Energy
Marriage
Death Penalty
Disagree

-- Take the Quiz! --



Big surprise, huh?

If this country were more enlightened - - say, a thousand more YEARS enlightened - - Dennis Kucinich WOULD be our President.

As it is, he can't get even a piece of the media spotlight.

It's like all the actors I know here in town who are wildly talented but will never, ever receive the kind of attention we heap on faux-lebrities who can't act, but look great in a CW teen-focused dramedy.

We always seem to focus on the wrong thing.

"Pop. Six. Squish. Uh uh. Cicero. Lipschitz"

Whim sent me this link last night: The Prison Bitch Name Generator.

I love it when my friends see something like The Prison Bitch Name Generator and think to themselves, "You know who needs this? Stephen!"

Like I didn't already KNOW my Prison Bitch name. Please.

It's the name on the buzzer to my apartment...


Is it too small to read? Well, you should already KNOW my Prison Bitch name, but just in case...

It's FAMOUS ANUS.

It's gonna be hard to eat one of those cookies after reading that, isn't it?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

TMI Tuesday

It's been a long day, so the answers for this week's TMI Tuesday questions should be interesting, to say the least

How would I describe these answers if I said "the most?" Incoherent, sassy and low-class Southern with just a hint of the bitch I will be when I get my AARP Card. Yep, same as always.

Why has it been a long day? Well, I've got so much going on - - tasks both professional and personal - - that I feel like Elaine Stritch at the Emmys: Everyone's laughing at me and I'm trying to tell them...

"I'm not making this up, I really don't know what the Hell I'm doing!!!"

God, I love her. I have to. I'm going to BE her. In about 12 minutes.

Anyway, on to the TMI...

1. Who did you think you would marry in elementary school?

I don't know that the thought ever crossed my mind when I was that young.

Wild, isn't it? At that age, most kids want to be a fireman or a policeman and I'm acting like Bobby in COMPANY. Oy...

I did have an overwhelming attraction to Leif Garrett during my early years. But I doubt I wanted to "set up house" or "walk down the aisle" with him.

I think it had a lot more to do with his hair...

...and the fact that he guest starred in an episode of WONDER WOMAN...

...and the way he filled out his jeans.

So, I based my attraction to someone, not on their gender, but on their hair, their proximity to an Amazonian Princess / Lynda Carter and most importantly, their bulging basket.

Still think homosexuality is a choice?!?


2. Which muppet is your favorite? Why?

Janice. Hands down! Why? Come on!

She's the coolest, she talks like a Valley Girl, she rocks out like a MoFo in that band and she has the BEST hair of all the muppets!!

Again, I'm making a choice on the basis of "cool hair." How "bald fag" can I get?!?


3. Which politician would you most like to screw? [For pleasure or revenge]

I can't choose one specific person, but any chance I would have to give it - - hard - - to any of the Bushies would be sweet and filled with the rage usually found in "make up sex."

I can't recall the exact lyrics, but William Finn says it best in his song, "Republicans." In the song, he talks about going to bed with a guy who tells him that he's a Republican.

When Finn is, as he says in the lyrics...

"...trying hard to make the fellow burst!"

...he admits that it may sound horrific - - sticking your personal Mr. Happy into Cheney or Rove - - but really, as Finn writes...

"It's nice to have the roles reversed."


4. How did you first find the g-spot?

I've never been there. Should I go there? Will I learn something about my "secret special place?"

Ok, before you say it, yes it ain't so "secret" anymore and over-use and frequent attendance takes away a feeling of it being even the least bit "special," but I've seen worse.

I've been in worse. Hell, I've DATED worse. And he dressed like Elaine Stritch. I'm not kidding.


5. What is the best costume you've ever worn?

Even though it was made of poster board - - one piece of poster board - - and was, therefore, severely two-dimensional, I LOVED the costume that my mother made for me when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and really wanted to be Aslan for Halloween.

I'm sure that, from the front, I looked like a chipmunk who stuck his paw in a light socket and from any other angle, I looked like a strange child wearing a carpet on his body and some cut up poster poster board on his head...

But my mama made it for me and I remember walking through the hallways of Powell Elementary School with an attitude that said...

"You SO wish you were wearing this. But you're not. I am. Suffer bitch."


See? More proof! I was a clothes-loving Carson Kresley-in-traning before the age of 7!!!

Hell, that Aslan costume was probably my unconscious homage to a Bob Mackie Cher creation. It all tracks back...


Bonus (as in optional):Does pornography liberate or deteriorate society?

I love porn. And in the gay world, porn stars are truly their own unique brand of celebrity. But do they degrade women? I honestly would have to WATCH straight porn to give you an answer.

Since men are stimulated visually and since I'm a man (don't say it), I like porn. And I think it's great to be naked and free with your body and not be ashamed of it.

But it's not that simple, is it? I honestly don't know the answer. Any thoughts?

But before you answer, don't get too down on porn. Do you know how much I've invested in those "skip cause of lube" man-on-man dvd's at this point?!?

Well, not really that much because many of them were given to me.

Gay men swap porn like Southern women swap recipes: Eagerly. Freely. And always saving the very best ones for themselves!

Monday, September 24, 2007

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #11

Well, this week's Caption Contest winner is being awarded a little later than usual, but I thought that the contest should start out at the top of the work week and end with the work week...

...so that we can all waste our time at work on frivolous bullshit.

Our Congress seems to be pissing away their days with bullshit. Why shouldn't we?

And once again, although there were some BRILLIANT answers, the one that made me laugh my ass off was given by Eric.

And now I know who Eric is!! And you Chicago boys should know that he is cute, Cute, CUTE!!

And he's funny. Here's Eric's winning caption for Week #10...

"Boys, Uncle Freddy wants to see you now."

See? He's cute AND he's funny!! That Eric is a winning combination!!!

And since everyone seems to enjoy the DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT theme here in the My Favorite Caption Contest, I thought I would share one of my favorites.

Here's the pic for Week #11...


If Cap weren't already dead, this picture would have killed him.

Go to, go to. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 28th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

You know, for a boy wearing spandex, Lil Cap ain't got much showin' down there, does he?

Maybe that's what he calls "it" - - "Lil Cap."

Stephanie Hodge and "Jungle Fucking"

I have been looking for this video for YEARS!!

Back home in Knoxville, one of the drag queens at The Carousel - - one of the two gay bars in town - - used to lip sync to this piece of comedy.

And then when I moved to Chicago, occasionally Sidetrack would play this clip on Thursdays - - Comedy Night.

But I haven't seen it in ages and I quote parts of it all the time.

This is the brilliant Stephanie Hodge discussing how to find the right person for a relationship. As she so perfectly puts it...


"What matters in finding the right person is to find the person who's going to Jungle Fuck you until the day you die!"


Truer words have never been said.

Watch this and laugh your fucking ass off!



The Planted Last Question

Keith Olbermann does it again.

One of the rare voices shouting out against President George W. Bush. Once again, everyone needs to hear Mr. Olbermann's words.



It's refreshing to listen to intelligent commentary again, isn't it?

Thanks to the person who commented on President Bush Playing and brought this clip to my attention.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Another Googleganger

I found another of my Googlegangers today.

Here he is, a professor of biochemistry featured in a blog named "If You Can't Say Anything Nice..."

What is a Googleganger? I wrote about them in one of my early posts...

"I'm not sure how we got around to it, but Philip and I were one day playing around with the "image" button on Google and found that if we did a search for our name, not only did we have pictures of us come up, but we also had pictures of other people with our names!!! These people don't look like us, so they're not dopplegangers - - this isn't some Samantha / Serena BEWITCHED thing going on - - but they do have our exact names, so Philip named them Googlegangers!!!"

Check here for a few of my other Googlegangers. Do you have any?

My Cocktail

I just saw this Personality Cocktail over at Dirk's incredible blog, Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore, and I couldn't resist trying it out.

Just typing "Stephen" gave me this...



How to make a Stephen
Ingredients:

3 parts intelligence

1 part brilliance

5 parts
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness


Typing "Stephen Rader" gave me this...



How to make a Stephen Rader
Ingredients:

1 part pride

1 part arrogance

1 part empathy
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of fitness

I'm not sure which one I like better. There are pros and cons. Hmmmm...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

My Kind of Sports

I just saw this little clip over at WetBoxersGuy and this much is certain:

If football was played like this - - with everyone wearing just boxers - - I would have not only joined my high school football team, but I also would have become the greatest Center to ever play the game...



But that's nothing compared with this next video of a guy at baseball practise - - fielding, batting and best of all, sliding - - and he's wearing only a cap, a jockstrap and a smile.

Yes, he's only wearing a jockstrap. He's straight. In a jockstrap. Practising baseball. And he put the video on YouTube.

As Romanofsky & Phillips sang...

"It's getting hard to tell the breeders from the queers."



Be sure to watch the whole clip because after this guy slides into home plate about 38 time, his buddies move the camera all over his bruised and banged up body.

And that's not even the best part.

This guy has a bruise the size of Nell Carter on his right ass check and one of buddies is off camera looking this guy's brightly bruised ass and says out loud...

"Look at that cherry!"

I nearly feel out of my chair.

The whole world is turning gay, but listen up newbies: I was here first! The line forms in the rear. Pun intended.

Alice Ghostley

Sad news. Alice Ghostley has died.

She was one of THE NEW FACES OF 54, alongside Carol Lawrence, Paul Lynde and Eartha Kitt to name a few.

She was Esmeralda, the combination nanny + witch (Take that Super Nanny!) on BEWITCHED!

She and Kaye Ballard belted out the "Stepsisters' Lament" in Rogers and Hammerstein's CINDERELLA.

And then, there's my favorite Alice Ghostley role. Her many appearances as Bernice Clifton on DESIGNING WOMEN.

She was a stand out in the very first episode they placed her in. No one - - and I mean no one - - could have gotten a bigger laugh from the audience when she blurted the most nonsensical question into the conversation (which had nothing whatsoever to do with this song)...

"What does it mean, someone left the cake out in the rain?"

She had a delivery that was... well, it SHOULD have been all her own, but it was stolen. A lot.

As I recall from one of my favorite biographies - - CENTER SQUARE: THE PAUL LYNDE STORY - - everyone always assumed that Charles Nelson Reilly stole Paul Lynde's hilarious and unique way of delivering a line. Yet, I believe Mr. Reilly said that Paul had stolen that way of landing a laugh line from him, and that he had actually stolen it from Alice Ghostley.

I may have that backwards, but whichever "Game Show Gay" stole that unique delievery, it originated with Alice Ghostley.

Here's a little Alice Ghostley tribute from the 2003 DESIGNING WOMEN reunion. The sound is almost too low to hear, but listen carefully and watch. Her work is comic gold.

Three Degrees of Sondheim

It's happened. It's finally happened.

I am now "Three Degrees of Stephen Sondheim."

Check it out: My good friend Karen Bronson is very good friends with Ann Morrison.

Ms. Morrison was the star of the original Broadway production of MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG.

And the score of MERRILY was written by? That's right, Stephen Sondheim.

Now, this little connection probably won't ever put me in the same room with Mr. Sondheim, but that probably is for the best.

Let's face it, if I ever met him - - well, I would faint right off the bat, just to prove to the world that I'm a geeky, musical theatre gayrod.

Then, I would say something amazingly stupid like, "Hey! We have the same first name! AND we spell it THE SAME WAY!! Two "PH's." Isn't that WILD?!?!"

Then, I would most likely gush about how brilliant he is and at the same time, I would be bragging about how I am the only East Tennessean who knows all the lyrics to "Welcome to Kanagawa."

And then, I would let him know in a very un-subtle way that I love being tied up and that I would look FANTASTIC bound, gagged and tied to a pole in the dungeon basement of a certain Tony Award winning composer's Manhattan townhouse.

Oh, come on! If that's what he's in to, all I have to say is...

"Thank you, Mr. Sondheim, Sir! May I have another?"

But again, that ain't gonna happen. for Sondheim's sake, I hope the "Meeting of the Stephens" doesn't occur.

However, I hope that my "Two Degrees of Ann Morrison" connection comes through, because after hearing her sing (her work on the MERRILY Original Cast Recording is absolutely brilliant) and after reading this article about her, I am insanely in love with her.

This section of the interview at BroadwayWorld.com really struck a chord with me.

Theatre people forget sometimes - - most of the time - - why we do what we do. But these words by Ann Morrison really tell you what it's all about...

"I think it [theater] is a healing experience. It’s healing for the audience.

"I go to the theater and I want to feel differently, I want to think differently, I want to go home and see if I can be a better person because of what I saw.


"And the same thing when I’m on stage. I’m hoping I’m the shaman for you for the evening.


"I’m not responsible for what you do think or feel, but that you do think or feel."


That last sentence is my favorite. Simple and brilliant.


Special Note to Karen: If the situation ever presents itself and you graciously introduce me to Ann, I promise - - as God as my witness - - I promise I won't start singing "Not a Day Goes By."

I WILL be humming "Now You Know," but look - - that can't be helped! It's Ann "friggin" Morrison!!! Ok?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Fratboy Friday

There's been quite a bit of man candy on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? this week, but the way I see it, when it comes to pictures of hot men, "The Rule of Cher Concerts" applies...

Less isn't more - - MORE IS MORE!

And the guys for this week's FRATBOY FRIDAY are hot. Really hot.

So hot, that... well, as Paula Deen says...

"I'm sweatin' like a fat girl writin' her first love letter!"

That said, here are this Friday's...

BOYS IN CAPS

These two are pretty, but what I love most about them is how you just KNOW that they are...

All foam and no beer.

Going to Night School to evolve thumbs.

They take an hour and a half to watch 60 MINUTES.


They couldn't pour
piss out of boot if the instructions were on the heel

You get the idea...

Still, I doubt Carl Sagan ever gave anyone multiple orgasms, so these two will do just fine.

****

SAGGERS

I know those are condoms - - and bravo to the boy who advertises his preference for safer sex by putting condoms in his public Manhunt pic. I'm impressed - - but at first, I didn't know what that gold thing was.

I kind of hoped he was going to start singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket!" to tell the truth.

Can you imagine this boy as Charlie Bucket? Makes that ride over the city in the "Great Glass Elevator" a little more interesting, doesn't it?


****

MOONERS

There's only one word for that: Buffet!

And as always, my favorite...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Allow this picture to serve as your first and final warning:

If you don't take the time to plan what you are going to wear to the big Halloween party, you'll end up in your jockstrap with a banana shoved in the cup pouch.

And as the picture shows, backs will be turned and NO ONE WILL TALK TO YOU!

I should know. It happened to me.

Now you know why I have no pictures of my 4th grade Halloween costume, ok? Happy now?!?!?

H.G. Wells Tells It Like It Is

Today is H.G. Wells' birthday.

Not only did he give write a novel that turned into a brilliant vehicle for Claude Rains...

...And I'm talking about THE INVISIBLE MAN, not RAWHIDE, ok?

Can you imagine an episode of RAWHIDE written by H.G. Wells? Talk about WAGON TRAIN TO THE STARS...

He also wrote THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU which was turned into a "please gouge my eyes out of my head before I have to see any more of this crap" vehicle for Marlon "The Hutt" Brando.

And also, he wrote this sentence, which reads as if it could have been written two hours ago...

As if just this minute, someone asked H.G. Wells his thoughts on this week's failed attempt in the Senate to force a pullout of U.S. troops from Iraq, and he replied...


"It is not reasonable that those that gamble with men's lives should not stake their own."
- H.G. Wells

Just when you thought the human race had made a little progress, everything old is new again.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Pastel President

Is it me, or does the new Five Dollar Bill look like Honest Abe is either bruised or spent one-too-many days at Epcot Center in the early 80's?



I mean, I know there were rumors that President Lincoln was gay but this is FAR too much pastel for even the queerest of pickle-kissers.

Don't you agree?

Oscar De La Hey Grrrlll!!!

I just saw this over at Super Underwear Perverts and I'm a bit... well, SHOCKED.

Go with me here...

This is cute and incredibly hot Oscar De La Hoya...



And while I'm all for dressing up in whatever "gear" gets your biscuits burnin', how does Oscar go from the silky feel of boxing shorts to fishnets (not just covering his legs but covering nearly HIS ENTIRE BODY!), black pumps and... ummm... boxing gloves?!?

I mean, BOXING GLOVES?!? That's just bad accessorizing if you ask me.



But then again, maybe the boxing gloves are a nice addition, because when he takes them off, he adds a stylish hat... and... ummm... a really, Really, REALLY bad wig.


Suddenly, Britney at the VMA's doesn't look so bad, does it?

Check out all the photos at x17online and help me figure out if indeed the whole world has GONE GAY!

And if it has, what will happen to me? Will I just explode with faggotry?

Or will the opposite come true and I will become just your average, run-of-the-mill homo?

If that happens, you can bet your sweet ass I will morph into Luisa from THE FANTASTICKS faster than you can say "Much More," and start singing and praying...

"I am special. I am special!
Please, God. Please. Don't let me be NORMAL!!"

P.S. Is that really him? Is it?

Believe It Or Not Iiiiiiiii'm Walkin' On Air!


Ok, I know that I sort of want to go as Kelly for Halloween, but I just received an email with a link to this costume and I gotta say...

What could be better than going as William Katt / The Greatest American Hero for Halloween?!?

I mean, I would have one day of the year where I would know what it's like to actually HAVE HAIR!!!

P.S. This costume comes with the pant, the shirt, the belt, the cape AND THE WIG!!!

What's not to love about that?!?!?!

THE WOMEN are coming!

I was so excited when I read this article over at Playbill.com announcing a few new names attached to Diane English's upcoming new version of the the classic George Cukor film, THE WOMEN.

I had heard of a few of the previous casting choices, and the new film's IMDb page shows just who is playing who...

Note: For a quick reference of "Which star of the present is taking the place of which star in the past," I am including the names of actresses from the 1939 version of THE WOMEN in parenthesis...

If the names "Norma Shearer" and "Paulette Goddard" mean nothing to you, you're probably straight.

I don't care how many cocks you've sucked - - in my book, if you don't know Paulette Goddard, you're straight!

Eva Mendes ... Crystal Allen ( Joan Crawford)

Meg Ryan ... Mary Haines (Norma Shearer)

Debra Messing ... Edith Potter (Phyllis Povah)

Annette Bening ... Sylvia Fowler (Rosalind Russell)

Jada Pinkett Smith ... Miriam Aarons (Paulette Goddard)

Candice Bergen ... Mary's Mother (Lucile Watson)

I can't think of a better person to take over a role played to perfection by Roz Russell than the incomparable Annette Benning!

And the latest additions to the cast are just as strong: Bette Midler, Cloris Leachman, Carrie Fisher, Lynn Whitfield, Joanna Gleason, Ana Gasteyer and Debi Mazar.

Which one of them is playing The Countess DeLave? Midler? Leachman?

Well, whichever one of them is playing The Coutess DeLave, you can bet your ass that the other one is playing Lucy, the Reno mistress of the prairie played by Marjorie Main in 1939.

I'll bet Carrie Fisher is playing their writer friend, Nancy Blake.

Dear Lord - - Carrie Fisher, Bette Midler, Cloris Leachman, Candice Bergen, Debra Messing, Ana Gasteyer...

This movie couldn't get any gayer if Larry Craig showed up in the final scene set in the elegant Ladies' Lounge and began tapping his foot dressed in Hedda Hopper drag.

I can't wait!