RITZ Pic

The revival of Terrance McNally's bathhouse farce, THE RITZ, doesn't open until October 11th, but a few production photos are circulating around.

So far, this one is my favorite...

On the left, that's Kevin Chamberlin who plays Gaetano Proclo. And on the right - - yep, we all want to know who that is on the right, don't we? - - that's Matthew Montelongo.

I know you'll find this hard to believe, but in THE RITZ, Matthew plays the role of "Patron in Chaps." Dear Lord, I wish I had that on my resume.

As you can see from the picture above...

A) Matthew is HOT and deserves a Tony Award. In that outfit, I could care less if he can "act." Honestly, in that outfit, I could care less if he can talk.

B) If you want an audience's attention, wear chaps, not a trench coat. Tim Gunn's list of 10 "Must Haves" for women may include a trench coat, but for men, chaps are definitely a top 5 "Must Have." (And by "chaps," I mean the clothing, not the cologne).

C) Anytime chaps are called for in a costume design plot, it's a REALLY GAY show. Think about it. What other show would you need guys in chaps? Hmmmm... I know of another one - - OKLAHOMA. See? That's a REALLY GAY show!!!

Break a leg on opening night, Kevin and Matthew.

Oh, and Matthew - - call me.

And Matthew - - one more thing. The next time you pose for production photos, move your hot package to the right or left of that railing / bar-thingy. It's blocking our view of your goods and that's NOT how you sell tickets, ok?

The First Miss Moneypenny

Sad news: Lois Maxwell - - the first actress to play M's secretary, Miss Moneypenny, in the James Bond films - - has died.

I'm not sure if this fits the homosexual stereotype, but I am a HUGE James Bond fan.

Ms. Maxwell played Moneypenny in the first Bond movie I ever saw, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, which I only sat down to watch after I became obsessed with Sheena Easton who sang the title song. (I was. Obsessed. Seriously. Long story)

Lois Maxwell was in 14 James Bond movies - - from DR. NO to the last Roger Moore Bond film, A VIEW TO A KILL.

And with a only a few variations here and there, she basically played the same scene over and over again in every Bond movie. But I never got tired of seeing Ms. Maxwell get the better of Bond in those scenes.

She was a perfect foil for Bond because she never became a "Bond Girl." She flirted with James, but she never slept with him. Throughout the film series, Bond toys and play with almost every woman he meets, but Moneypenny, especially as played by Ms. Maxwell, is one of a very few women with the ability to toy and play with him.

Which is no small feat when you consider that the Bond character is described in one of the Bond films (M, played by Dame Judi Dench in GOLDEN EYE) as "a sexist misogynist dinosaur."

Ms. Maxwell's ability to hold her own against and beside Bond shines through in her first scene from DR. NO...

Miss Moneypenny: James! Where have you been? I've been searching all over London for you. [Picks up phone.] 007 is here sir. [Slaps Bond's hand away from the papers on her desk.]

James Bond: Moneypenny! What gives?

Miss Moneypenny: Me, given an ounce of encouragement. You've never taken me to dinner looking like this. You've never taken me to dinner, period.

James Bond: I would, you know. Only I would be court-martialed for tampering with government property.

Miss Moneypenny: Flattery will get you nowhere... but don't stop trying.

Any woman who responds with "me" when she's asked, "What gives?" is my kind of woman!

And "Flattery will get you nowhere... but don't stop trying." Well done, Moneypenny. Well done.

All Things Dolly

I found this Dolly Parton quote in a new YouTube clip and I had to copy it down, because once again, Dolly tells it like it is!

"When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he's looking.

"See, if he's lookin' at my eyes, he's lookin' for intelligence.

"If he's lookin' at my mouth, well he's lookin' for wit and wisdom.

"And if he's lookin' anywhere else except my chest, he's lookin' for another man."

****

Speaking of Dolly, a good friend of mine - - and frequent commenter here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? - - just landed a job at Dollywood for November and December that pays a much better salary than any other Equity contract that could be found in Chicago these days. Congratulations, my friend! I'm so happy for you and proud of you.

Not only does this mean that I'll (hopefully) get into the park for free when I'm back home for Christmas, but it also means that this gentleman and his partner have the good fortune (or bad luck) to be spending the holidays with my family!!!

What are the holidays like with my family?

Well, a few years ago when I was 40 pounds heavier, I walked into my aunt's Christmas Eve party and her first words to me were not "Merry Christmas" or "Welcome home!" No, her first words were...

"My Lord, you've gained weight!"

My mother, ever my champion, immediately countered with...

"Well, have you seen the jowls on your son?!?"

TENDER TENNESSEE CHRISTMAS, my ass!

One of Tonight's "New Rules" from Bill Maher

I just finished watching tonight's episode of REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER and I laughed my ass off at this - - tonight's next to last "New Rule": (these are his words, not mine)...

New Rule:
Stop playing "Matchmaker" to your gay friends.

If there's anything gay men hate more than clutter, it's when one of their straight friends says...

"There's this new guy at work and he's gay. You two should totally go out!"

Like that's the only requirement for two gay men to date...

"You like penises? I like penises. Let's get married!"

Just once, I'd like to hear a gay man tell a straight girl...

"Hey, I met this guy yesterday and he's straight. You should fuck him!"

Fratboy Friday

David Cerda said it best today on the HELL IN A HANDBAG blog.

He was discussing the online quiz results he was posting and he said...

"I found on my friend Stephen Rader's blog. This one was somewhere between the outraged activist messages and the half naked frat boys."

Well, since my previous post is definitely from my "outraged activist" side, I guess that means it's time for FRATBOY FRIDAY!!!

Here are this week's...

BOYS IN CAPS

That right there is everything I love in a fratboy - - Cute, cocky and CUT!

And I swear, I didn't cut that girl out of the picture. Honest!

I would have if she wasn't already cut out, but somebody beat me to it.

****

SAGGERS

Again, another classic fratboy look.

Every man looks best in a crisp, white button-down shirt.

Especially when it's just hanging from his belt and not covering up all that yummy man-meat.

****

MOONERS

I know this guy is probably not INTENTIONALLY mooning someone...

...but that ass is just TOO NICE not to give it a little ATTENTION!

Besides, that boy is the perfect lead-in to my favorite Fratboy Friday category...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

I love it when these fratboys get so drunk that they start doing imitations of Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

I mean, tucking your cock and balls between your legs to make it look like you have a pussy...

...that's not gay... not gay at all..

No way, dude. No way...

A.M. and M.A.

At the United Nations this week, everyone laughed when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there were no gay people in Iran.

I'm sure the laughter continued later at a press conference when Mr. Ahmadinejad continued by saying...

"Seriously, I don’t know of any."

And I'm sure there was even more laughter when a journalist told Mr. Ahmadinejad that he knew of a few homosexuals in Iran and Ahmadinejad said...

"As for homosexuality, I don’t know where it is. Give me an address so that we are also aware of what happens in Iran."

Give him an address, so that those homosexuals known by this journalist can be added to the over 4,000 gay and lesbians that have been executed in Iran since the Ayatollahs seized power in 1979.

Gay men - - no, gay teenagers - - like Mahmoud Asgari, age 16, and Ayaz Marhoni, age 18 who were publicly executed in Iran on July 19, 2005 for the "crime" of homosexuality.

They were hanged in Edalat (Justice) Square in the city of Mashhad, in north east Iran. They were sentenced to death by Court No. 19.

According to the UK Gay News story...

"Iran enforces Islamic Sharia law, which dictates the death penalty for gay sex.

"One youth was aged 18 and the other was a minor under the age of 18. They were only identified by their initials, M.A. and A.M.

"They admitted – probably under torture, London-based gay human rights group Outrage! suggests – to having gay sex but claimed in their defence that most young boys had sex with each other and that they were not aware that homosexuality was punishable by death.

"Prior to their execution, the teenagers were held in prison for 14 months and severely beaten with 228 lashes."

Here they are, just prior to their execution.

Not so funny now, is it?

I am the LAST person who wants the United States to enter into a war with Iran, but allow this story to remind us of a few things...

Let's remember that gay men were the lowest of the low in the concentration camps.

Let's remember that Harvey Milk's murderer got off with little more than a slap on the wrist because he ate a Twinkie.

Let's remember that President Ronald Reagan didn't even say the WORD AIDS for YEARS into his presidency and allowed our loved ones to die horrific, painful deaths while he did NOTHING to stop it.

Let's remember that we're hated. That for some reason, men can kill each other but we mustn't kiss each other.

But most of all, let's remember these two teenage boys who Iranian history only wanted to call "A.M. and M.A."

Ayaz Marhoni and Mahmoud Asgari.

Thank you again and again to NightCharm for posting this powerful story.

NightCharm is a porn blog of sorts. See? We can have dicks AND brains - - at the same time.

Childrens Do Listen

On Wednesday, President George W. Bush, speaking in defense of his education policy while surrounded by children, said the following...

"As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."

- President George W. Bush, Sept. 26, 2007

Are he and Britney in some sort of personal feud to see who can sink the lowest or appear the dumbest to the American people?

George, in the words of a Stephen Sondheim song from INTO THE WOODS...

"Careful the things you say. Childrens will listens.
Careful the things y'all does. Childrens will saw. And learns."

Four hundred seventy-nine days to go, everybody.

Think we're gonna make it?

Leave Jaime Somers Alone!

I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY DISGUSTED by critics - - both professional and blogger - - who watch one episode of a new television series and tell us how horrifically BAD the entire series is going to be.

I very much enjoyed Wednesday night's premiere episode of BIONIC WOMAN.

And apparently, the nation was just as intrigued as I was, since it won a 5.5 rating among adults 18 to 49, beating the show it played opposite, PRIVATE PRACTISE, which received a 5.1 rating.

My favorite thing about the episode was the storytelling. The scenes were cut in and out, back and forth, in such a way that the "establishing of location" shot - - one long shot showing a building, then an internal shot showing the character in a room in the building and THEN starting the scene - - was not used very much.

This lead to rapid advancement of the story, yet it didn't lead to confusion, either. I loved it.

And I loved the new Jaime Somers, Michelle Ryan, for all the reasons that some other "online critics" hated her - - she underplayed everything.

In contrast the "bad bionic woman" - - Katee Sackhoff playing "Sarah Corvus" - - ate so much scenery, I was afraid I was watching a Disney villain. One sure way to make an audience know that you're crazy is to play KAH-RAY-ZEE!

Well, she did. And even though I'm a big ol' fag who loves camp, I wasn't looking for camp in my new BIONIC WOMAN series.

And from what I could tell from the rest of the episode, neither were the creators. Ms. Sackhoff, however, gave the people what they wanted; she brought in the KAH-RAY-ZEE and apparently she was the hit of the episode.

This pilot episode had to establish Jaime, her family, her boyfriend, her relationship with her boyfriend, her boyfriend's secret government agency, that agency's agents, that agency's first bionic woman, how Jaime becomes the new bionic woman, how those bionics work, how a civilian gets is forced / convinced to work for this agency, how the new bionics affect her life, her body and her relationships AND most importantly, this episode had to give us a kick-ass bionic battle.

It had to do ALL of that in 40-something minutes.

So, all of you who thought that Ms. Ryan wasn't up to snuff or the script was lacking or the acting was bad or whatever - - write your own fucking script, go to Hollywood, sell it, get it produced and see it made into a pilot.

If all of your BRILLIANT ideas make it into that pilot, then by all means, give us your opinion on EVERYTHING.

Until then, give the series a little breathing room and let it find it's voice.

****

Oh, and if you really want something to compare this to, go back and watch the two-part episode of THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN where Jamie Somers was introduced in the 70's.

It ends with Lee Majors singing - - SINGING!!! - - a song about how much he loves Jaime...

...in a song called "Jaime" or some such bullshit...

...it's sung over the credits of the second episode of this two-parter...

...because she DIES at the end.

Yep. Jaime Somers died at the end of the two-part SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN episode in which she was introduced.

They brought Jaime back from the dead to be THE BIONIC WOMAN and star in her own series.

And since she was introduced as a Steve Austin's old girlfriend, she also gets a case of - - you guessed it - - amnesia.

So the writers wouldn't have to deal with too many crossovers between the two series.

Back from the dead with amnesia.

Can you imagine how the bloggers would have reacted to THAT back in the day?

Do You Think Linda Lavin Will Have A Big Number In This One, Too?

Well, we're living in the age of the "Jukebox Musical" - - and a few of those have won Tony Awards (God help us) - - but are we prepared for the age of the "Comic Book Musical?"

Apparently, yes.

Because I guess Zatanna "mind-wiped" the memory of IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S SUPERMAN from the theatre community's collective conscious.

I'm talking about SPIDER-MAN: THE MUSICAL.

I guess the reading of the musical that was supposed to take place this past July actually DID take place and that people liked what they heard of the music by Bono and the Edge and the book by Glen Berger.

Neither of those two names thrill me and even though I'm a lover of both comic books AND musical theatre, the combination of the two into an evening at the theatre sounds both ridiculous and frightening to me.

The only name attached to the project that makes me feel even slightly optimistic is the director, Julie Taymor.

And according to a recent interview with Ms. Taymor, both the book and the music are so strong that they are searching for a venue....

"We want to open in New York, and there aren't enough Broadway houses. It's really tricky because ours is a big musical that's really unusual.

"It will have some fabulous things in it because it's got a very strong book. I'm very proud of the songs that Bono and Edge wrote.

"It's a real rock-and-roll musical, so we're not worried about that aspect. We just have to find where we're going to do it -- even if we have to do it in a tent, which we're looking into -- and when. It'll at least be a year away."

I wish I had given the above interview, because then I could have responded with the following...

Yeah, Julie. "Big musical" is unusual these days.

Unless you count WICKED... and MARY POPPINS... oh, and GREASE... And XANADU... and... well, anyway...

So, you're not worried about a "real rock-and-roll musical," huh?

Yes, I know... RENT... and SPRING AWAKENING... Those are rockin' scores those kids today like, aren't they?

But Julie, RENT opened over 10 years ago and then SPRING AWAKENING opened last year.

Well, my POINT is that that's an average of one SEMI-real rock-and-roll musical every 10 years. That makes a SPIDER-MAN "real rock-and-roll musical" something you MIGHT wanna worry about. Ya know?

Especially when you take into consideration who is asking to be a part of the show.

I'm talking about Marilyn Manson.

Yep, Spidey-fan Marilyn Manson has asked Ms. Taymor for a part in the Spider-Man musical.

I think he'd make a FABULOUS (and frightening) Aunt May, don't you?

P.S. Is Broadway so jammed packed with hit plays and musicals that Julie friggin' Taymor might have to do her gazillion dollar musical written by Bono IN A FUCKING TENT!?!?!

What is this?!?! BABES IN ARMS?!?!?


P.S.S. Does anyone get my reference from the title of this post? Anyone?

Charles Pierce

In the age of the Google Search, I am amazed by what people don't know.

And when you add to that the incredible clips that can be found on YouTube...

...and I'm not talking about the blathering on of some overly-eyelined, Britney-loving, psychotic homo-hillbilly...

...or some self-obsessed high school girl who can't sing, so she lip syncs THE CELL BLOCK TANGO and then other people watch it... REPEATEDLY...

...I am amazed by what people don't CARE to know.

Especially gay men.

To break any rule or to take anything to the next level - - whatever the Hell that means - - you have to know what came BEFORE.

And for some reason, today's young gay men tend to act as if they invented everything and if it's old, it must be worn out, tired and uninteresting.

I'm sure this is just me entering into middle age and feeling increasingly invisible when I walk into gay bars these days.

As Edina says in the "Birthday" episode of ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS...

"It's like I hit an oil patch at 35 and now I'm just SKIDDING toward the grave, darling!"

Still, by not caring about what came before, we're losing a little piece of our gay history. And really, we don't have very much gay history to lose.

So, when I find a clip like this on YouTube, it makes me so happy that I can post it and share it with as many people as possible.

This is the incomparable Charles Pierce in a show he did at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in 1982.

Charles passed away in 1999, but luckily we have little pieces of his live performances to show us the brilliance of his female illusion.

This is the tail end of the concert where Charles is doing my favorite of his impersonations - - Ms. Bette Davis.

Watch these clips and you'll see bits and pieces of a performance style that has been copied by a few current day entertainers.

Namely me. Hey, if you're gonna steal, steal from the best.





P.S. Like Leif Garrett, Charles Pierce also guest starred on an episode of WONDER WOMAN.

He does Bette Davis AND acts with Lynda Carter. What more do you want, folks?!?

Fifty Years Ago Today

Fifty years ago today, WEST SIDE STORY opened on Broadway.

I've heard so many Sondheim stories surrounding this show.

1) Like the fact that he's embarrassed by the lyrics he wrote for I FEEL PRETTY.

He really wanted to show himself off as a lyric writer, but when his friends saw the show in previews, they said, "You have an uneducated Puerto Rican girl singing like she's Noel Coward!"

Sondheim tried to change the lyrics to something more appropriate, but the producers wouldn't have of it. They LOVED the song.

2) Or how his friends - - probably the same friends - - refer to SOMEWHERE as the "Uh" song.

You know, "There's UH place for UH-s. Somewhere UH place for UH-s."

3) Or how, when Jerome Robbins was staging Tony's song MARIA, Mr. Robbins asked Sondheim what exactly Tony was "doing."

Sondheim said that Tony was singing about a girl he just met named Maria.

Robbins said, "Yes, but what is he DOING."

Sondheim was unable to answer much more than "he's singing about a girl he just met named Maria," so Robbins threw the music down and said, "Then YOU stage it!"

Fun and funny stories, but I think they show what Sondheim learned when he was working on WEST SIDE STORY (he was 27 at the time). He then applied what he learned in his music and lyric writing. And because of that, all of Sondheim's songs are character driven with the action built into the song.


Sondheim's songs are so specific to each character and to the musical in which they appear that you can't interchange them. A song from PACIFIC OVERTURES would never fit in FOLLIES. And vice versa.

However, you could switch the title songs from MAME and HELLO, DOLLY and no one would blink and eye.

Happy 50th, WSS.

By the way, did I ever tell you that in high school I played the wimpiest and faggiest Riff in the history of musical theatre? I did. It wasn't pretty.

My (Internet Chosen) Candidate

My beautiful cousin Kristie just sent me a link to this online quiz, but unlike the others I've taken, this one won't generate my Prison Bitch Name or Which Desperate Housewife I Am or Which Dead Celebrity I Am...

For Dead Celebrity, I originally got Elvis Presley, but it's been awhile since I took that quiz and a few more stars have passed away.

If I took it today, I would probably get Charles Nelson Reilly.
And I would LOVE IT!!!

This quiz gives you a very basic idea of which Presidential candidate is most in line with your views and opinions.

And even though I'm a big Ron Paul fan (Yes, he's running as a Republican, but listen to what that man says - - it's logical and impressive. When did we EVER think either of those two things about anything that came out of Dubya's mouth?), look who lines up best with my current political stance...

	Dennis Kucinich Score: 55	Agree Iraq Immigration Taxes Stem-Cell Research Health Care Abortion Social Security Line-Item Veto Energy Marriage Death Penalty	Disagree
-- Take the Quiz! --

Big surprise, huh?

If this country were more enlightened - - say, a thousand more YEARS enlightened - - Dennis Kucinich WOULD be our President.

As it is, he can't get even a piece of the media spotlight.

It's like all the actors I know here in town who are wildly talented but will never, ever receive the kind of attention we heap on faux-lebrities who can't act, but look great in a CW teen-focused dramedy.

We always seem to focus on the wrong thing.

"Pop. Six. Squish. Uh uh. Cicero. Lipschitz"

Whim sent me this link last night: The Prison Bitch Name Generator.

I love it when my friends see something like The Prison Bitch Name Generator and think to themselves, "You know who needs this? Stephen!"

Like I didn't already KNOW my Prison Bitch name. Please.

It's the name on the buzzer to my apartment...


Is it too small to read? Well, you should already KNOW my Prison Bitch name, but just in case...

It's FAMOUS ANUS.

It's gonna be hard to eat one of those cookies after reading that, isn't it?

TMI Tuesday

It's been a long day, so the answers for this week's TMI Tuesday questions should be interesting, to say the least

How would I describe these answers if I said "the most?" Incoherent, sassy and low-class Southern with just a hint of the bitch I will be when I get my AARP Card. Yep, same as always.

Why has it been a long day? Well, I've got so much going on - - tasks both professional and personal - - that I feel like Elaine Stritch at the Emmys: Everyone's laughing at me and I'm trying to tell them...

"I'm not making this up, I really don't know what the Hell I'm doing!!!"

God, I love her. I have to. I'm going to BE her. In about 12 minutes.

Anyway, on to the TMI...

1. Who did you think you would marry in elementary school?

I don't know that the thought ever crossed my mind when I was that young.

Wild, isn't it? At that age, most kids want to be a fireman or a policeman and I'm acting like Bobby in COMPANY. Oy...

I did have an overwhelming attraction to Leif Garrett during my early years. But I doubt I wanted to "set up house" or "walk down the aisle" with him.

I think it had a lot more to do with his hair...

...and the fact that he guest starred in an episode of WONDER WOMAN...

...and the way he filled out his jeans.

So, I based my attraction to someone, not on their gender, but on their hair, their proximity to an Amazonian Princess / Lynda Carter and most importantly, their bulging basket.

Still think homosexuality is a choice?!?


2. Which muppet is your favorite? Why?

Janice. Hands down! Why? Come on!

She's the coolest, she talks like a Valley Girl, she rocks out like a MoFo in that band and she has the BEST hair of all the muppets!!

Again, I'm making a choice on the basis of "cool hair." How "bald fag" can I get?!?


3. Which politician would you most like to screw? [For pleasure or revenge]

I can't choose one specific person, but any chance I would have to give it - - hard - - to any of the Bushies would be sweet and filled with the rage usually found in "make up sex."

I can't recall the exact lyrics, but William Finn says it best in his song, "Republicans." In the song, he talks about going to bed with a guy who tells him that he's a Republican.

When Finn is, as he says in the lyrics...

"...trying hard to make the fellow burst!"

...he admits that it may sound horrific - - sticking your personal Mr. Happy into Cheney or Rove - - but really, as Finn writes...

"It's nice to have the roles reversed."

4. How did you first find the g-spot?

I've never been there. Should I go there? Will I learn something about my "secret special place?"

Ok, before you say it, yes it ain't so "secret" anymore and over-use and frequent attendance takes away a feeling of it being even the least bit "special," but I've seen worse.

I've been in worse. Hell, I've DATED worse. And he dressed like Elaine Stritch. I'm not kidding.


5. What is the best costume you've ever worn?

Even though it was made of poster board - - one piece of poster board - - and was, therefore, severely two-dimensional, I LOVED the costume that my mother made for me when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and really wanted to be Aslan for Halloween.

I'm sure that, from the front, I looked like a chipmunk who stuck his paw in a light socket and from any other angle, I looked like a strange child wearing a carpet on his body and some cut up poster poster board on his head...

But my mama made it for me and I remember walking through the hallways of Powell Elementary School with an attitude that said...

"You SO wish you were wearing this. But you're not. I am. Suffer bitch."

See? More proof! I was a clothes-loving Carson Kresley-in-traning before the age of 7!!!

Hell, that Aslan costume was probably my unconscious homage to a Bob Mackie Cher creation. It all tracks back...


Bonus (as in optional):Does pornography liberate or deteriorate society?

I love porn. And in the gay world, porn stars are truly their own unique brand of celebrity. But do they degrade women? I honestly would have to WATCH straight porn to give you an answer.

Since men are stimulated visually and since I'm a man (don't say it), I like porn. And I think it's great to be naked and free with your body and not be ashamed of it.

But it's not that simple, is it? I honestly don't know the answer. Any thoughts?

But before you answer, don't get too down on porn. Do you know how much I've invested in those "skip cause of lube" man-on-man dvd's at this point?!?

Well, not really that much because many of them were given to me.

Gay men swap porn like Southern women swap recipes: Eagerly. Freely. And always saving the very best ones for themselves!

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #11

Well, this week's Caption Contest winner is being awarded a little later than usual, but I thought that the contest should start out at the top of the work week and end with the work week...

...so that we can all waste our time at work on frivolous bullshit.

Our Congress seems to be pissing away their days with bullshit. Why shouldn't we?

And once again, although there were some BRILLIANT answers, the one that made me laugh my ass off was given by Eric.

And now I know who Eric is!! And you Chicago boys should know that he is cute, Cute, CUTE!!

And he's funny. Here's Eric's winning caption for Week #10...

"Boys, Uncle Freddy wants to see you now."

See? He's cute AND he's funny!! That Eric is a winning combination!!!

And since everyone seems to enjoy the DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT theme here in the My Favorite Caption Contest, I thought I would share one of my favorites.

Here's the pic for Week #11...


If Cap weren't already dead, this picture would have killed him.

Go to, go to. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 28th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

You know, for a boy wearing spandex, Lil Cap ain't got much showin' down there, does he?

Maybe that's what he calls "it" - - "Lil Cap."

Stephanie Hodge and "Jungle Fucking"

I have been looking for this video for YEARS!!

Back home in Knoxville, one of the drag queens at The Carousel - - one of the two gay bars in town - - used to lip sync to this piece of comedy.

And then when I moved to Chicago, occasionally Sidetrack would play this clip on Thursdays - - Comedy Night.

But I haven't seen it in ages and I quote parts of it all the time.

This is the brilliant Stephanie Hodge discussing how to find the right person for a relationship. As she so perfectly puts it...

"What matters in finding the right person is to find the person who's going to Jungle Fuck you until the day you die!"

Truer words have never been said.

Watch this and laugh your fucking ass off!

The Planted Last Question

Keith Olbermann does it again.

One of the rare voices shouting out against President George W. Bush. Once again, everyone needs to hear Mr. Olbermann's words.



It's refreshing to listen to intelligent commentary again, isn't it?

Thanks to the person who commented on President Bush Playing and brought this clip to my attention.

Another Googleganger

I found another of my Googlegangers today.

Here he is, a professor of biochemistry featured in a blog named "If You Can't Say Anything Nice..."

What is a Googleganger? I wrote about them in one of my early posts...

"I'm not sure how we got around to it, but Philip and I were one day playing around with the "image" button on Google and found that if we did a search for our name, not only did we have pictures of us come up, but we also had pictures of other people with our names!!! These people don't look like us, so they're not dopplegangers - - this isn't some Samantha / Serena BEWITCHED thing going on - - but they do have our exact names, so Philip named them Googlegangers!!!"

Check here for a few of my other Googlegangers. Do you have any?

My Cocktail

I just saw this Personality Cocktail over at Dirk's incredible blog, Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore, and I couldn't resist trying it out.

Just typing "Stephen" gave me this...

How to make a Stephen

Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 1 part brilliance 5 parts

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness

Typing "Stephen Rader" gave me this...

How to make a Stephen Rader

Ingredients: 1 part pride 1 part arrogance 1 part empathy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of fitness

I'm not sure which one I like better. There are pros and cons. Hmmmm...

My Kind of Sports

I just saw this little clip over at WetBoxersGuy and this much is certain:

If football was played like this - - with everyone wearing just boxers - - I would have not only joined my high school football team, but I also would have become the greatest Center to ever play the game...



But that's nothing compared with this next video of a guy at baseball practise - - fielding, batting and best of all, sliding - - and he's wearing only a cap, a jockstrap and a smile.

Yes, he's only wearing a jockstrap. He's straight. In a jockstrap. Practising baseball. And he put the video on YouTube.

As Romanofsky & Phillips sang...

"It's getting hard to tell the breeders from the queers."

Be sure to watch the whole clip because after this guy slides into home plate about 38 time, his buddies move the camera all over his bruised and banged up body.

And that's not even the best part.

This guy has a bruise the size of Nell Carter on his right ass check and one of buddies is off camera looking this guy's brightly bruised ass and says out loud...

"Look at that cherry!"

I nearly feel out of my chair.

The whole world is turning gay, but listen up newbies: I was here first! The line forms in the rear. Pun intended.

Alice Ghostley

Sad news. Alice Ghostley has died.

She was one of THE NEW FACES OF 54, alongside Carol Lawrence, Paul Lynde and Eartha Kitt to name a few.

She was Esmeralda, the combination nanny + witch (Take that Super Nanny!) on BEWITCHED!

She and Kaye Ballard belted out the "Stepsisters' Lament" in Rogers and Hammerstein's CINDERELLA.

And then, there's my favorite Alice Ghostley role. Her many appearances as Bernice Clifton on DESIGNING WOMEN.

She was a stand out in the very first episode they placed her in. No one - - and I mean no one - - could have gotten a bigger laugh from the audience when she blurted the most nonsensical question into the conversation (which had nothing whatsoever to do with this song)...

"What does it mean, someone left the cake out in the rain?"

She had a delivery that was... well, it SHOULD have been all her own, but it was stolen. A lot.

As I recall from one of my favorite biographies - - CENTER SQUARE: THE PAUL LYNDE STORY - - everyone always assumed that Charles Nelson Reilly stole Paul Lynde's hilarious and unique way of delivering a line. Yet, I believe Mr. Reilly said that Paul had stolen that way of landing a laugh line from him, and that he had actually stolen it from Alice Ghostley.

I may have that backwards, but whichever "Game Show Gay" stole that unique delievery, it originated with Alice Ghostley.

Here's a little Alice Ghostley tribute from the 2003 DESIGNING WOMEN reunion. The sound is almost too low to hear, but listen carefully and watch. Her work is comic gold.

Three Degrees of Sondheim

It's happened. It's finally happened.

I am now "Three Degrees of Stephen Sondheim."

Check it out: My good friend Karen Bronson is very good friends with Ann Morrison.

Ms. Morrison was the star of the original Broadway production of MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG.

And the score of MERRILY was written by? That's right, Stephen Sondheim.

Now, this little connection probably won't ever put me in the same room with Mr. Sondheim, but that probably is for the best.

Let's face it, if I ever met him - - well, I would faint right off the bat, just to prove to the world that I'm a geeky, musical theatre gayrod.

Then, I would say something amazingly stupid like, "Hey! We have the same first name! AND we spell it THE SAME WAY!! Two "PH's." Isn't that WILD?!?!"

Then, I would most likely gush about how brilliant he is and at the same time, I would be bragging about how I am the only East Tennessean who knows all the lyrics to "Welcome to Kanagawa."

And then, I would let him know in a very un-subtle way that I love being tied up and that I would look FANTASTIC bound, gagged and tied to a pole in the dungeon basement of a certain Tony Award winning composer's Manhattan townhouse.

Oh, come on! If that's what he's in to, all I have to say is...

"Thank you, Mr. Sondheim, Sir! May I have another?"

But again, that ain't gonna happen. for Sondheim's sake, I hope the "Meeting of the Stephens" doesn't occur.

However, I hope that my "Two Degrees of Ann Morrison" connection comes through, because after hearing her sing (her work on the MERRILY Original Cast Recording is absolutely brilliant) and after reading this article about her, I am insanely in love with her.

This section of the interview at BroadwayWorld.com really struck a chord with me.

Theatre people forget sometimes - - most of the time - - why we do what we do. But these words by Ann Morrison really tell you what it's all about...

"I think it [theater] is a healing experience. It’s healing for the audience.

"I go to the theater and I want to feel differently, I want to think differently, I want to go home and see if I can be a better person because of what I saw.

"And the same thing when I’m on stage. I’m hoping I’m the shaman for you for the evening.

"I’m not responsible for what you do think or feel, but that you do think or feel."

That last sentence is my favorite. Simple and brilliant.


Special Note to Karen: If the situation ever presents itself and you graciously introduce me to Ann, I promise - - as God as my witness - - I promise I won't start singing "Not a Day Goes By."

I WILL be humming "Now You Know," but look - - that can't be helped! It's Ann "friggin" Morrison!!! Ok?

Fratboy Friday

There's been quite a bit of man candy on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? this week, but the way I see it, when it comes to pictures of hot men, "The Rule of Cher Concerts" applies...

Less isn't more - - MORE IS MORE!

And the guys for this week's FRATBOY FRIDAY are hot. Really hot.

So hot, that... well, as Paula Deen says...

"I'm sweatin' like a fat girl writin' her first love letter!"

That said, here are this Friday's...

BOYS IN CAPS

These two are pretty, but what I love most about them is how you just KNOW that they are...

All foam and no beer.

Going to Night School to evolve thumbs.

They take an hour and a half to watch 60 MINUTES.

They couldn't pour piss out of boot if the instructions were on the heel

You get the idea...

Still, I doubt Carl Sagan ever gave anyone multiple orgasms, so these two will do just fine.

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SAGGERS

I know those are condoms - - and bravo to the boy who advertises his preference for safer sex by putting condoms in his public Manhunt pic. I'm impressed - - but at first, I didn't know what that gold thing was.

I kind of hoped he was going to start singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket!" to tell the truth.

Can you imagine this boy as Charlie Bucket? Makes that ride over the city in the "Great Glass Elevator" a little more interesting, doesn't it?

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MOONERS

There's only one word for that: Buffet!

And as always, my favorite...

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DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Allow this picture to serve as your first and final warning:

If you don't take the time to plan what you are going to wear to the big Halloween party, you'll end up in your jockstrap with a banana shoved in the cup pouch.

And as the picture shows, backs will be turned and NO ONE WILL TALK TO YOU!

I should know. It happened to me.

Now you know why I have no pictures of my 4th grade Halloween costume, ok? Happy now?!?!?

H.G. Wells Tells It Like It Is

Today is H.G. Wells' birthday.

Not only did he give write a novel that turned into a brilliant vehicle for Claude Rains...

...And I'm talking about THE INVISIBLE MAN, not RAWHIDE, ok?

Can you imagine an episode of RAWHIDE written by H.G. Wells? Talk about WAGON TRAIN TO THE STARS...

He also wrote THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU which was turned into a "please gouge my eyes out of my head before I have to see any more of this crap" vehicle for Marlon "The Hutt" Brando.

And also, he wrote this sentence, which reads as if it could have been written two hours ago...

As if just this minute, someone asked H.G. Wells his thoughts on this week's failed attempt in the Senate to force a pullout of U.S. troops from Iraq, and he replied...

"It is not reasonable that those that gamble with men's lives should not stake their own."

- H.G. Wells

Just when you thought the human race had made a little progress, everything old is new again.

A Pastel President

Is it me, or does the new Five Dollar Bill look like Honest Abe is either bruised or spent one-too-many days at Epcot Center in the early 80's?



I mean, I know there were rumors that President Lincoln was gay but this is FAR too much pastel for even the queerest of pickle-kissers.

Don't you agree?

Oscar De La Hey Grrrlll!!!

I just saw this over at Super Underwear Perverts and I'm a bit... well, SHOCKED.

Go with me here...

This is cute and incredibly hot Oscar De La Hoya...



And while I'm all for dressing up in whatever "gear" gets your biscuits burnin', how does Oscar go from the silky feel of boxing shorts to fishnets (not just covering his legs but covering nearly HIS ENTIRE BODY!), black pumps and... ummm... boxing gloves?!?

I mean, BOXING GLOVES?!? That's just bad accessorizing if you ask me.



But then again, maybe the boxing gloves are a nice addition, because when he takes them off, he adds a stylish hat... and... ummm... a really, Really, REALLY bad wig.

Suddenly, Britney at the VMA's doesn't look so bad, does it?

Check out all the photos at x17online and help me figure out if indeed the whole world has GONE GAY!

And if it has, what will happen to me? Will I just explode with faggotry?

Or will the opposite come true and I will become just your average, run-of-the-mill homo?

If that happens, you can bet your sweet ass I will morph into Luisa from THE FANTASTICKS faster than you can say "Much More," and start singing and praying...

"I am special. I am special!
Please, God. Please. Don't let me be NORMAL!!"

P.S. Is that really him? Is it?

Believe It Or Not Iiiiiiiii'm Walkin' On Air!

Ok, I know that I sort of want to go as Kelly for Halloween, but I just received an email with a link to this costume and I gotta say...

What could be better than going as William Katt / The Greatest American Hero for Halloween?!?

I mean, I would have one day of the year where I would know what it's like to actually HAVE HAIR!!!

P.S. This costume comes with the pant, the shirt, the belt, the cape AND THE WIG!!!

What's not to love about that?!?!?!

THE WOMEN are coming!

I was so excited when I read this article over at Playbill.com announcing a few new names attached to Diane English's upcoming new version of the the classic George Cukor film, THE WOMEN.

I had heard of a few of the previous casting choices, and the new film's IMDb page shows just who is playing who...

Note: For a quick reference of "Which star of the present is taking the place of which star in the past," I am including the names of actresses from the 1939 version of THE WOMEN in parenthesis...

If the names "Norma Shearer" and "Paulette Goddard" mean nothing to you, you're probably straight.

I don't care how many cocks you've sucked - - in my book, if you don't know Paulette Goddard, you're straight!

Eva Mendes ... Crystal Allen ( Joan Crawford)

Meg Ryan ... Mary Haines (Norma Shearer)

Debra Messing ... Edith Potter (Phyllis Povah)

Annette Bening ... Sylvia Fowler (Rosalind Russell)

Jada Pinkett Smith ... Miriam Aarons (Paulette Goddard)

Candice Bergen ... Mary's Mother (Lucile Watson)

I can't think of a better person to take over a role played to perfection by Roz Russell than the incomparable Annette Benning!

And the latest additions to the cast are just as strong: Bette Midler, Cloris Leachman, Carrie Fisher, Lynn Whitfield, Joanna Gleason, Ana Gasteyer and Debi Mazar.

Which one of them is playing The Countess DeLave? Midler? Leachman?

Well, whichever one of them is playing The Coutess DeLave, you can bet your ass that the other one is playing Lucy, the Reno mistress of the prairie played by Marjorie Main in 1939.

I'll bet Carrie Fisher is playing their writer friend, Nancy Blake.

Dear Lord - - Carrie Fisher, Bette Midler, Cloris Leachman, Candice Bergen, Debra Messing, Ana Gasteyer...

This movie couldn't get any gayer if Larry Craig showed up in the final scene set in the elegant Ladies' Lounge and began tapping his foot dressed in Hedda Hopper drag.

I can't wait!

My Pirate Name for Pirate Day

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day (which is TODAY folks), my buddy over at Raven the Goldfish posted her Pirate Name and I just couldn't resist the quiz...

Take the Pirate Quiz

Black John Cash?!? What am I? A pirate searching for booty in prison?!?

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea...

Lex Luthor & Superman: Power Gays

There was some talk on Newsarama about yesterday's dvd release of SUPERMAN: DOOMSDAY and how... well... gay it is.

Now, I was already going to buy the damn thing, but when fanboys start calling this dvd overly homoerotic, you KNOW I raced out to buy my copy!

And while I won't set up this scene for you - - it's way too confusing and half of you wouldn't believe me while the other half could care less - - trust me, watch it.

If nothing else, watch it for Lex's last words to Superman.

Because in a scene filled with gay-ish references to "rumpus rooms" and the "colors of Christmas"...

In a scene where Lex literally cries out, "Why did you leave me? WHY?"...

In a scene where Lex STRADDLES Superman like a bottom who likes it on top...

The last sentence is the gayest thing that Lex Luthor has ever said to Superman.

And I'm pretty sure it will REMAIN the gayest thing Lex Luthor ever says to Superman...

...unless Lex starts singing to Superman something like, "My milkshake brings all the supes to the yard..."



P.S. The casting of crazy-assed Anne Heche as the voice of Lois Lane - - a role played in the first run of Superman movies by crazy-assed Margot Kidder - - is brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Batter Up

Baseball season will soon be over (it will, won't it?), but when I saw this picture over at Super Underwear Perverts, I couldn't help but pass it on to all you... ummm... "baseball fans."

Wow.

Is that a baseball bat in your briefs - - standing straight up and being forced to angle over to the top of your left hip because it's so damn big!!! - - or are you just happy to see me?

Or both. Please say it's both.

Why didn't any of the coaches look like THAT when I was in Little League?

Holy Happy Birthday, Batman!

Today is Adam West's birthday.

Yep, that's him.

That's Adam West.

Pretty damn hot for one of the funniest guys in show business.

Mr. West is 79 years old today.

To celebrate the birth of the 60's Batman, I give you this little scene from the BATMAN movie that was made after the first season of the tv show.

Batman and a bomb. Comedic brilliance.

"Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!"

Happy birthday, Mr. West!

I'll be doing The Batusi in your honor all day today!

King Size with Hoodie

To those who think I was being a little unfair in my assumption that Mr. King Size was anything but in his skimpy little Speedos, I offer this picture, also from WetBoxersGuy, as proof that...

When you're REALLY packing something that is "King Size" and you wear a small-sized pouch, we can not only see "it," we can learn your religion!



Look at it! Even HE'S astonished at how big it is!

Isn't that picture great? I can't tell you how many times I've been heading down to the beach in nothing but my white 2(x)ist jock thong and said to myself...

"Is it chilly out? Do I need a hoodie?"

P.S. This picture below is also in the same post by WetBoxersGuy and this is quite possibly the hottest picture and the hottest man I have ever seen in my entire life!

As my good friend over at The Babblings of Whimsicalnbrainpan commented in yesterday's post about My New Imaginary Boyfriend over at DIRTY FUKKER...

"I love you Stephen. You really need to get laid."

Amen, sister. Amen!

The Most Dangerous (Armless) Man in Snellville

The weirdest "News of the Weird" ever... along with my smart-assed comments...

SNELLVILLE, Ga. — Police are investigating the death of a man who collapsed after being headbutted by an armless man in a fight over a woman.

SR: Sounds bizarre, but remember - - THIS TOOK PLACE IN GEORGIA!! SNELLVILLE, no less!!!

"How do you get to Snellville, GA?"

"Marry your sister, man. Marry your sister!!"

Snellville Police Chief Roy Whitehead said the two men, Charles Keith Teer and William Russell Redfren, scuffled Monday afternoon in the driveway of a suburban Atlanta home.

SR: Need even more proof that these guys are absolute white trash? The fought IN THE DRIVEWAY!!!

Right beside Charlie's Red Pinto (which is completely burned out and sits on four cinder blocks instead of four tires) and across the street from "Billy's House of Shoes and Cheese."

Witnesses told authorities that Redfren, who has no arms, kicked Teer, and Teer struck Redfren, Whitehead said.

SR: I wonder if Redfren did that "Karate Kid" kick thing? Can you do that kick without arms?

I mean, the "Ralph Macchio Arms Raised To Set It Up" thing is kind of important to that kick, right?

No arms? No "Wax on. Wax off." It's that simple.

After bystanders separated them, Redfren "came back and headbutted [Teer] one time," Whitehead said.

SR: Obviously, the "bystanders" (Bo, Luke and Uncle Jessie) thought that only Mr. Teer needed to be held back. They probably thought to themselves...

"The dude ain't got no arms. He can't hurt nobody. Pass me an MGD."

Teer complained of feeling dizzy, collapsed, and died, Whitehead said. Police are awaiting autopsy results before deciding whether Redfren should be charged.

SR: Well, let's see. Mr. Teer got head-butted by William "Don't Put Me In The Pool And Call Me Bob" Redfren, then Mr. Teer became dizzy, collapsed and died.

Nah. It was probably something he ate.

This kind of investigation is why CBS has never opted to start filming CSI: SNELLVILLE.

The Spirit Is Coming

He's coming...

Will Eisner's THE SPIRIT is coming to a multiplex near you!

And from the looks of this initial poster, I can't friggin' WAIT!!



Why do I love THE SPIRIT so much? Well, I'll let Eisner's book from October 6, 1946 explain...

In case you can't make out the text, it says...

"I am P'gell... and this is NOT a story for little boys!"

Love it. Love her. Love it all!

TMI Tuesday

It's time for everybody's pre-Hump Day favorite - - TMI Tuesday. And this week's questions look like fun...


1. What is one thing a/your significant other could do to you to rock your world?

"Could do" or "should do?" Or "better do if they want me to keep laughing at their lame-assed jokes?"

Well, I don't want to cause too much of a scandal, so I'll just say...

A little stubble + A rim job = One Happy Stephen.

'Nuff said.

2. Which super power (ability to turn invisible, ability to read people's thoughts, or invulnerability) would you take and why?

Let's face it, I would take ANY super power I could get at this point!!

Well, maybe not super powers like the ones sported by The Legion of Substitute Heroes or anything (Color Kid, anyone? Arm Fall Off Boy? Come on...)

But I'd have to say that my dream super power has always been a slightly reformed version of Rogue's meta-abilities, where I would be able to not only read thoughts, but also steal memories, abilities and other people's super powers for a short time.

That way, you sort of get to do it all AND you get to be able to peer into people's minds.

I mean, I look like Professor X, I might as well have some of his abilities as well, right?

Also, a little of Jean Grey's telekinesis would be kick-ass!

And yes, I have my own Phoenix-like dark side, so don't fuck with me.

3. Would you rather be tied up or tie someone else up? Why?

These days, I would rather BE tied up.

Why? I tied people up for years. It's my turn now.

4. What is your best physical and non physical asset?

My best physical asset, I would have to say, is my head. Because wouldn't it be a bitch if God made me lose my hair AND gave me a crappily shaped head?!? Talk about bad karma.

My best non physical asset? I'd have to say my sense of humor. It sounds cliched but when you're the fat, gay kid in school, you're not exactly popular. Yet, when you realize that they will leave you alone and sometimes even think you're cool if you can make them laugh, your comedic skills improve rapidly.

But being funny isn't exactly great for your love life. I mean, nobody ever said...

"You're so damn funny! Now, lay back you hot stud!"

Nobody ever says that.

5. If they were naming new Dwarves beyond the seven what would your name be and why?

"Horny."

You need me to explain "why?" Really?

Bonus: What's the most embarrassing thing you ever bought?

As a Christmas gift for a friend a few years ago, I had to purchase the "Barry Manilow CD Boxed Set," and when I told the clerk - - the "clerk" being about 12 years old, dressed in full Goth black, inches of eye-liner, covered in tattoos of skulls, with purple, spiked hair and a dog-collar - - that it wasn't for me he said...

"Sure it isn't."

All I could think was...

"I look like a Fanilow.
Dear sweet, Jesus.
I LOOK LIKE A FANILOW!!!"

Let Me Borrow That Top

Y'all, Kelly is back!!!

After "Shoes" and my personal favorite, "Text Message Breakup," Kelly now covets a neighbor's cute, new top.

And what Kelly wants, Kelly gets!!

Here's Kelly in "Let Me Borrow That Top!"



I was thinking about being a kid dressed as a superhero for Halloween (you know - - long johns, mask, Underoos worn over the long johns, a towel clipped at the neck with a safety pin used as a cape, etc.), but if I can find the proper outfit, I may have to go as Kelly.

All I need are the right shoes and that fucking top!

P.S. Kelly is really Liam Kyle Sullivan. And I am in love with him. Hard

I Love a DIRTY FUKKER

Y'all, I'm so damn close to becoming world famous.

If "world famous" means that I have new friends on different continents who send me lovely emails and make me as happy as Courtney Love trapped in a crack house.

Last night, I received an email from J - - the man who came up with the idea for and is the owner of Dirty Fukker Underwear - - saying that he was glad that I liked their underwear and their model. And that he loves ARE YOU THERE, BLOG!

I love a man who tells me what I want to hear. Even if he is "across the pond," as they say, and there's not a chance in Hell I'll be able to "show my appreciation" on bended knees.

Get it? It's a blow job reference, damn it!! Oy...

J was so nice in his email and then, just a few minutes ago, he sent me this picture of My New Imaginary Boyfriend...

I love that. I love ALL of that. Every INCH of that.

And something tells me there are SEVERAL inches to love.

So y'all, go over to Dirty Fukker Underwear and buy everything in sight! And then buy it all again for me. Size medium. Send it all to my home address.

If you live in Chicago, however, you should deliver your gift of Dirty Fukker Underwear to me personally, so I can give you a proper thank you. With "happy ending" free of charge!

You do get what I mean by "happy ending," right? Geez...

Thank you, J! Best of luck with your company! I know it will continue to be an incredible success!

Happy Birthday, Philip

Yesterday was Philip's birthday and as much as I wanted to hire a hunky twink to dress up as a cowboy and knock on his apartment door at midnight with a little tag attached to his wrist that said...

"Happy Birthday, Harold!

Bang! Bang! You're alive!

Now, roll over and play dead.

Love, Emory"

...I decided that my little BOYS IN THE BAND, "Midnight Cowboy" joke might get lost in translation.

So, I decided to give Philip one of the books he mentioned that he really wanted: Christopher Hitchens GOD IS NOT GREAT.

My favorite part of giving Philip this gift is this picture - - Philip absolutely beaming with joy while holding up the book, as if he's REALLY HAPPY that God is not great.

It's so cute. Makes me laugh.

Happy Birthday, Philip. And as Lucy said to Ethel during one of their fights...

"Happy Birthday. I hope you live another 75 years."

"Goddamn War"

At last nights Emmy Awards ceremony, FOX cut away from Sally Field's acceptance speech when she ended with...

"And let's face it, if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamn war in the first place"

Today on my iGoogle page, this popped up as one of my "Quotes of the Day"...

"Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there."

- Clare Booth Luce

Do you think FOX had a problem with the "goddamn" or with Ms. Fields' slight anti-war message?

While we're on the subject, can we all grow the fuck up and stop being scared of words?

And after that, can we Americans please stop being afraid if we see a little nipple during the Super Bowl or a nice, juicy cock and balls on a computer screen?

We don't seem to have any problem whatsoever showing peoples' brains being blown out of their heads or watching a killer of college students point his gun over and over into the camera after his death, taunting us with what he did to our loved ones.

Maybe that's the bridge. Maybe that's how we get them to accept the human body and all it's parts. Go with me here...

The next time someone is offended at seeing some guy's cock and balls on a screen, just tell them to think of his cock as the barrel of a gun. That should calm them down.

The sick fucks.

Updated - 5/17/07 - 5:20 PM: Here is the uncensored speech given by Ms. Sally Field.



Shirley Heezgay tells me that her speech aired uncensored in Canada.

Who wants to move there with me? I'm kinda not joking, folks.

Especially if Mitt Romney wins in '08.

"He Was Afraid to Come Out of the Locker..."

Another picture from WetBoxersGuy and I'm sorry, I have to say...

If it is "King Size," wouldn't we be able to see it in your itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie non-polka dot bikini?

Wouldn't we?

Chicago AIDS Walk 2007

Yesterday's Chicago AIDS Walk & Run was a tremendous success!

The weather was beautiful, the walk path along the lake front was beautiful and if I may be so bold, the Season of Concern walkers and runners were the most beautiful, well dressed fundraisers in attendance!

And as of this evening, just the online donations for our team come to $9,135! All of the cash and checks people brought to the event will be counted this week. And people can still donate to our team until this Friday, so our fundraising total is STILL GROWING!! WOOHOO!

Here are a few of the highlights...

Here they are - - the members of the Chicago cast of WICKED! I am so grateful that they joined Season of Concern's Team for the AIDS Walk.

Last year, the Chicago cast of WICKED donated $37,000 to Season of Concern from two of the audience fund drives and the donations they raised for the AIDS Walk were outstanding.

Thank you, WICKED!! And most especially, thank you to Don Richard in the black t-shirt on the far right for organizing both the fund drives and the cast's participation in the walk. You're the best!

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Some of the SOC boys - - (L to R) John Burton (in all black in the back), the fabulous Rus Rainear, one of my best friends in the world, Aaron Hunt and the brilliant Doug Orlyk

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Isn't Chicago beautiful along the lake front?

Here's Rus (far left) and Doug (far right) joined by The Best Dressed Man in the AIDS Run & Walk 2007 - - the amazing Philip Dawkins!

I hope to one day earn hire Philip as my personal stylist. The boy has it goin' ON!

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One of the many signs held by some of the walkers: "Housing = Health"

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Again, I live in a beautiful city.

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WICKED en route!

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The cutest couple at the event - - PERIOD! Ben Thiem from The League of Chicago Theatres with his lovely wife.

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I have no idea who this girl is, but when someone that cute carries that umbrella, I can't NOT take a picture.

When I asked if I could take her picture, I said, "You're the prettiest person here," and THAT is the grin that beamed from her face. Cute, cute, CUTE!

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Speaking of cute, John arranged for some of his DePaul students to join Season of Concern's Team. Here are (L to R) Megan Ashley, Nathaniel Ament-Stone and Annaleah Garing.

Ah... I remember 18... sort of...

****

And this is the clock at the finish line. Will somebody please tell me what the Hell that stands for! Is this the time? How long we took to do the Walk? How long Elaine Stritch has to live? WHAT?!?

Thanks to all who walked and ran and donated to Season of Concern's AIDS Walk Team. I greatly appreciate your tremendous generosity.

Mr. Warhol Called. Your 15 Minutes Are Up

As I see it, there are three - - count 'em, three - - gay men who are currently enjoying their brief 15 minutes of Warhol fame on YouTube.

And I can't stand any of them.

1) William Sledd - This is a twink who worked at The Gap for a few years - - folding t-shirts and dissuading customers from purchasing what he sees as the greatest threat to mankind, "The Carpenter Jean," - - and now proclaims himself to be a fashion guru.

His videos are a mish-mosh of WHAT NOT TO WEAR, HEE-HAW and a Clay Aiken concert all rolled into one pathetic, homo, white trash mess. And that's not all...

I don't like anyone with that Emo hairstyle. Especially guys. (If I wanted to fuck Posh Spice, I'd go fuck Posh Spice, ok dude? Now, get a buzz cut and assume the position.)

I don't like anyone who knows as much (if not less) than I do and yet, talks DOWN to me. (George W. Bush, please take note.)

And I don't like anyone who gives THEMSELVES a title they never earned. This happens quite often these days, but trust me - - just because someone is gay doesn't mean they have good taste in clothes.

Case in point...William: Do me a favor, shut the Hell up and do what you do best - - give your female hangers-on advice on which jeans accentuate their "Muffin Top."

2) Michael Buckley - Apparently more people watch Mr. Buckley's WHAT THE BUCK videos than voted in the last 187 elections. How fucking depressing is that?

I've only suffered through one of his lame-assed attempts at skewering pop culture and to me, he's like that gay man that we all know - - the friend of a friend who is always glaring around the room, looking for other people's Achilles Heel so he can stab it with his bejeweled letter opener and snarl about it in the corner with his white-belted, flip-flop wearing, faux-hawk sporting, "trying WAY to hard too look 23 again" friends.

Don't ask me why, but there's something about his comedy that isn't funny, it's just bitchy and catty and hurtful. But I think what I hate the most about him is his INSANE amount of narcissism. He loves himself more than anyone else could ever love him and he laughs at his own jokes, because he thinks he's so fucking hysterical.

It's like a singer who says 'Thank you" before the song is over to tell you that what they sang was really good and you should applaud - - a lot. It's disgusting. And so is he.

And last but definitely not least - - especially this week...

3) Chris Crocker - Philip turned me on to this guy and I could only watch a few of his clips before I had to shut down my laptop, douse it with Holy Water and pray that Linda Blair didn't pop into my apartment and projectile vomit pea soup all over my leather sofa.

This man is disturbed with a capital "Crazy Bitch." Seriously. He needs help. And yet, just like his personal pop idol Britney Spears, the American people see this person who is laying in the street bleeding and screaming for help and they stand, stare and point but never MAKE A MOVE TO HELP THEM.

His video break down telling the world to "Leave Britney Alone" truly scared me. Forget about hiring the American Idol judges to help Britney revive her career; hire a psychotherapist to bring Mr. Tucker some mental health and stability.

Yeah, I know. I'm taking all this WAY too seriously.

Thankfully, THE SOUP and Seth Green created this to allow me to do what all humans - - American and otherwise - - do in a time of crisis: Laugh at another man's pain.

Seriously, though - - this video by Seth Green is hilarious and right on the money...

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #10

It's fitting that SUPERMAN RETURNS is playing on my tv as I choose this week's Favorite Caption Contest Winner.

Just like relatively unknown actor Brandon Routh winning the role of Superman in the reboot of the franchise, this week's winner's true identity is relatively unknown...

I mean, I assume I know Eric from somewhere, but I have no idea EXACTLY who he is and I have a hunch that I'm not going to learn his identity anytime soon.

Even if, one day, I'm told that the elusive Eric is sipping a cocktail at Sidetrack, I would probably walk into the bar to find gay man after gay man stand up, Cosmos in hand, and shout out "I'm Eric!" one by one, over and over, like some homosexual version of SPARTACUS.

As if SPARTACUS could be any gayer...

Here's Eric's winning caption...

"Being a Superhero used to be so much more exciting."

So true, Eric. So true.

How about a little male eye candy for Week #9's pic?

Ah, yes. This will do. This will do nicely...

Note to Hugh Hefner: If you want to re-launch The Playboy Club here in Chicago, may I suggest Playboy Bunnies that objectify men instead of women?

Don't you it's time that women got to sit and enjoy watching a grown man dressed as a bunny try to serve a cocktail by doing the "Bunny Dip?" God knows I do.

Y'all give this Pink Posse of Boys a caption, ok?

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 21st at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

Fratboy Friday

So much has happened in a week.

I met Stokes & listened to Studs. I saw Lynda Carter in concert. And just one week, my AIDS Walk team has raised $3,000 more dollars for a current grand total of $8,110.15!!! And that's JUST online donations!!!

But since a week has gone by, it must be time for Fratboy Friday!!!

Here's this week's...

BOYS IN CAPS

Oh yeah. This is going to be a good Fratboy Friday. I can already tell...

****

SAGGERS

Four saggers for the price of one. Why, you ask?

Well, when you have four pics of a sagger that hot, how on earth can you pick just one?

I love EVERYTHING about that boy. Everything. The piercing most especially.

****

MOONERS

Notice the guy second from the left who can't quite go the full monty with his moon.

It's as if he believes that "mooning is for pussies," so he just tucked his briefs into his ass.

But in trying NOT to look like a pussy, he looks more like a pussy.

Democrats: Take note.

And my favorite Fratboy Friday category...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

What is that guy covering up with on the far right? A plastic tub? And he's wearing a cowboy hat? What is he supposed to be? A Busboy at The Dixie Stampede?!?

This is what would have happened if The Village People were made up of straight guys.

Apparently, THIS is the rundown. From these "It's not gay as long as nobody gets jizz in their face" costumes, I think we have (L to R)...

A Patriotic Genie (?), an Elephant (?!?), a Pizza Delivery Boy, a Typical Man Who Overestimates The Size of His "Gulp," and a Busboy at The Dixie Stampede.

Lame-assed Village People if you ask me.

Except for the Pizza Delivery Boy. They're onto something with that one...

I always say: "Give me a twink, a pizza box and some duct tape and I'm a happy man."

Boxers or Briefs? Or Panties?

I saw this pic over at WetBoxersGuy...

Now, straight up, I will say the model is hot, but just go with me a second, ok? Just go with me...

These briefs - - these low-rise, Calvin Klein micro-mini briefs or whatever-the-fuck it is that they're called...

These are panties, right? I mean, come on - - the guy is wearing PANTIES.

Nothing wrong with wearing panties. Nothing at all!

Nothing wrong with wearing anything that gets you and/or your partner (or partners) all hot and horny... BUT...

If you're going to wear briefs that look like panties, why don't you just WEAR PANTIES?

As Philip says, "I'm not saying, I'm just saying."

One D At A Time

Andy turned me on to a kick-ass, hot as Hell blogger at One D At A Time.

To fill you in on what her blog is about, "D" stands for "Dick."

No wonder I love her, right?

Anyway, she posed for a photo shoot for Jezebel where she recreated famous (or is it "infamous?") Lindsay Lohan paparazzi pics.

This is the one that she posted on her blog...


But this is the one that made me howl and fall in love with her all over again...

See? I told you she was kick-ass. What's not to love about that?

Check her out.

494 Days To Go

I saw this today over at Bill in Exile and I immediately thought...

"President Dumbfuck - - White Courtesy Phone.

President Dumbfuck - - White Courtesy Phone."

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

You might already know this, but I didn't know that we already had a title for this movie and then, when I saw these pictures, I was back in 5th grade again.

The new Indiana Jones movie is entitled...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

And check out Harrison Ford. Fit as a fiddle and ready to whip it!

"I say whip it. Whip it good!"

I'm sorry. Bad use of a Devo reference, but I just couldn't resist.

And who knew Karen Allen was back to reprise her character, Marion Ravenwood, from the first Indy movie, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK? I love that!!

Any woman who can win a game of shots against a room full of baddies in a bar THAT SHE OWNS and who starts her adventure with Indy by saying, "I'm your goddamn partner!" is a my kind of gal!

Alas, no "Short Round," though. I would love to see some grown up "Short Round" in this movie.

Yes, I'm a little bit of a Rice Queen, ok? Deal with it...

I hope this new Indy flick is a good movie. Oh, how I hope it's good.

P.S. I found this little Wiki page about Crystal Skulls. Looks like an interesting item for Indy to chase down.

Dirty Fukker

This relatively new brand of underwear - - Dirty Fukker - - has been advertised on undiesdrawer.com for some time now, but when I saw this ad...

...well, first I gave it (and the model) a standing ovation if you know what I'm talking about...

...and then, I decided that...

A) I had to buy SEVERAL pairs of Dirty Fukker...
B) I NEED this model's name, address and phone number STAT and...
C) I must make him My New Favorite Boyfriend!

Move over Tim Gunn - - here comes Dirty Fukker!

Dirty Fukker. What's not to love about that name?!?

Think about it. I strip down in front of some sexy man and he says...

"You look hot. What kind of underwear is that?"

...and I get to look him right in the eyes and say...

"Dirty Fukker."

Now, if that's not Romance, I'm not quite sure what is.

"Do You Like Movies About Gladiators?"

I saw this over at Super Underwear Perverts and I couldn't resist posting it here with the following caption...

"Jimmy, you ever... seen a grown man naked?"

The "Petraeus" Report

Last night on THE DAILY SHOW, Jon Stewart had this to say about General Petraeus and the report he gave which, oddly enough, had General Petraeus' name on the cover but was not written by him.

And here I've been told all my life that plagiarism is wrong. Hmmm...

Anyway, here's Jon Stewart's take on The "Petraeus" Report...

"By the way, this wasn't just a 'guesses and estimations' type thing; the general had hard data.

"He backed up his arguments with real numbers - - charts of sectarian death, graphs of car bombs, tables of troop levels.

"Because it's an important reminder that our troops and the Iraqis aren't just fathers, sons, mothers and sisters - - they're also statistics.

"Remember that."

-Jon Stewart on THE DAILY SHOW, 9/11/07

Smell that, President Bush? That's sarcasm.

Is it me or is it a sad day when The Court Jester is the only person with the guts, the skill and the knowledge to tell The Emperor that he isn't wearing any clothes?

AIDS Walk 2007 Is Four Days Away!

Season of Concern's Team for this Saturday's AIDS Walk is growing. Rapidly!

Thanks to the cast of Chicago's production of WICKED for joining our team and most especially, thanks to Broadway in Chicago for sending this announcement out in an eblast!


"On Saturday, September 15, cast members from Chicago’s WICKED, including our very own Elphaba (Dee Roscioli) and Glinda (Erin Mackey), will be participating in the annual 2007 AIDS Run & Walk Chicago as members of the Season Of Concern Team. Show your support for this important cause by making a donation on behalf of a team member or even registering to walk with the group. More info, including a link to donate, is available by clicking here."

Season of Concern's Team in the AIDS Walk is really picking up steam! Our online donations alone have taken us to just below the half-way mark for our fundraising goal. When you add all of the checks and the cash that are being collected by team members, we are slowly but surely making it to our $15,000 goal.

There's still time to join the team or to pledge someone on our team. And remember, 100% of the funds raised by our team go directly to Season of Concern!

Thank you all - - walkers, runners and donors - - for your overwhelming generosity and support!

An Intimate Evening

Oh my God. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Oh. My. God!!

Dan Cox - - that lovely, sweet, charming Dan Cox - - just forwarded an email to me for...

...Hold your breath... Are you holding your breath?... HOLD YOUR DAMN BREATH!!!...

...Wait for it... Wait for it...

Complimentary tickets to see Lynda Carter in her cabaret show TONIGHT!!!

Lynda Carter. Friggin' LYNDA CARTER!!!

At Chicago's Apollo Theatre. Where I have friggin' PERFORMED!!!

I am BESIDE MYSELF WITH EXCITEMENT!!

Here's the small blurb about tonight...

TV’s “Wonder Woman” Live in Concert

SR: Yeah, we all know she was TV's "Wonder Woman." Especially the gays. That's in our "Homo 101 Handbook!"

You and a guest are cordially invited to

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH LYNDA CARTER

SR: An "Intimate Evening!" I can't wait!!!!

Tuesday, September 11 at 8 p.m. or
Wednesday, September 12 at 8 p.m.

Direct from her sold-out, record-breaking runs at San Francisco’s Plush Room and Los Angeles’ Catalina’s Jazz Club, Carter returns to Chicago for a limited engagement at the Apollo Theater, 2540 N. Lincoln Ave., for six performances Sept. 11 - 16.

SR: And here's the review... WOOHOO!!!

"... one of the most beautiful voices now performing in cabaret... [the show] is magnificent and what cabaret is all about.” - Jerry Friedman, ABC San Francisco

SR: I am like an 8 year old boy right now!!! I can't wait for tonight. I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!

The Breakfast of Champions

I figure that today we could all use a laugh and my mother, once again, has supplied me with a brilliant one.

She just called me to say that one of the guys who delivers supplies to her office came in today and for some reason, the topic of breakfast came up.

The young man said that he never eats breakfast, which prompted Mama to say...

"Well, they say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gives you your energy. If you don't eat breakfast, what do you run on all day."

Mother heard the young man respond by saying...

"Cheese Nips."

So, Mama, of course, immediately said...

"Oh, I LOVE Cheese Nips. I eat them all the time. I've been known to eat me a box of Cheese Nips sitting in front of the tv..."

At which time, my mother's co-worker, Mitzi, interrupted her to say...

"Wanda, he didn't say he runs on Cheese Nips. He said he runs on Jesus."

Yeah.

You say Funyuns and I say onions.

You say Cheese Nips and I say Jesus.

Funyuns. Onions.

Cheese Nips. Jesus.

Let's call the whole thing off.

Libraries Remember

My wonderful friend Doug Orlyk just emailed me and let me know about something wonderful. I hope that he doesn't mind my copying his words here to tell you about it.

Doug writes...

"My place of employment, the Bensenville Community Public Library, is commemorating for the 5th year in a row (they started in 2003) by staying open the entire 24 hours of 9/11. It's now 9:30, and I've been at work since 11:30 last night. And I'll be here until a little after midnight. I'm a little groggy but doing well. I got to sing the national anthem and a beautiful song, "I Am One," for our sunrise service in the library's garden at 6:15 a.m. It was chilly, but beautiful.

"Visit www.librariesremember.net for more info on why we do this and what else we're doing. It's the best day of the year at my job. And of course, you're invited to stop by at any time."

As the Libraries Remember site explains...

"Libraries represent the sum of all human knowledge, and they represent equal access to that knowledge. Libraries represent freedom of expression, celebration of diversity, a playing field that is level, preservation of heritage, and commitment to the future.

"There may be nothing more antithetical to terrorism, hatred, bigotry, and fanaticism than the American Public Library."

Thank you, Doug, for all that you do - - on this day and with so many other community service projects throughout the year. You are remarkable.

TMI Tuesday

I was unsure about answering TMI Tuesday questions on the anniversary of September 11th, but when I saw the Bonus Question, I decided it was okay. I hope that you'll agree.


1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?

Here's the deal: What constitutes sex? For so many people, a penis has to go into an ass or a vagina before it's sex. As I said at a party just the other night, "What? A mouth isn't considered a hole anymore?!?"

For that reason, I'll list a few, shall we say, "levels of sex"...

Mutual masturbation: In my second cousin's house when his parents were away.

My hot, straight, "star of the neighboring high school's football team" second cousin, by the way...

Yeah, THAT second cousin...

Oral sex: With another high school boy in a hotel room at the Hyatt Regency in Knoxville, TN. A fond, fond, fond memory, indeed.

Anal sex: In a small, cheesy Motel 6 just off of Kingston Pike in Knoxville with a guy I dated in college who drove a pick-up truck and worked at a gas station - - Tony. And if that man hadn't decided to go back to his boyfriend - - they were on a little "break" during the time we dated - - I probably would still be with him today.


2. Does size matter? (open to interpretation boys and girls)

Honesty matters. Kindness matters. A romantic man who gets why CASABLANCA is your favorite movie matters. Size... eh...

However, that old joke just won't leave my brain without being written down here...

"There are two things I really hate: size queens and little dicks."

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?

Abso-fucking-lutely. Oddly enough, though, not my current office, but my former office - - many, Many, MANY times.

Once with a famous porn star.

"Those were the days, my friend. We thought they'd never end..."


4. Ever been skinny dipping?

Abso-fucking-lutely. What part of "redneck" didn't you understand?



5. Top or bottom?

I'll let my doppelganger, John Cardone, answer that question.

Backstage during the run of THE LAST SUNDAY IN JUNE, someone mentioned something about me being a bottom and I - - being the lady who doth protest too much - - shouted back...

"Hey, I'm versatile!"

Which prompted Mr. Cardone to say...

"Sure. You're versatile. Spelled B-O-T-T-O-M."

Bitch.



Bonus: Where were you September 11, 2001? What were you doing when you first heard about the twin towers?

I walked into my gym, the Sweat Shop on Broadway here in Chicago, and looked up to see the first tower on tv right after it had been hit. And I have no idea why, but the first words out of my mouth were...

"What have they done?"

I don't know who I was speaking of when I said "they," but I had just been on tour in the Middle East the year before and perhaps, after speaking with the people there, somewhere inside I knew what was happening.

I stood there and watched the second plane hit the second tower. And as I walked to the locker room to put my stuff away, I heard the description of the the third plane hitting the Pentagon.

By the time I realized that I hadn't checked my cell phone in almost 30 minutes, I had multiple calls from both of my parents. I had just travelled, with less than a week's notice, to Tokyo and I think something in both my parents' brains thought that I might be flying around or out of the country again. They were terrified when I wasn't answering my phone for that long.

I went to work and from my office at Belmont and Halsted, I watched as hundreds of people kept streaming off of the Belmont L station. It was a constant line of scared and confused men and women.

We sat in the conference room and watched the harried tv reports. I called Aaron, who at the time was working only a block away from the Hancock Building, and told him to leave, but their office hadn't officially closed yet. I told him to walk out the door whether the office was closed or not. The Hancock would definitely be one of two targets if the terrorists were on their way to Chicago and I was so scared that something might happen to Aaron.

Six years ago. So much has changed in six years.

Stokes & Studs

Today, I was at THE luncheon in Chicago... if you're a part of the theatre community, that is...

At noon today in The Standard Club, The Actors Fund gave Chicago legend Studs Terkel their Medal of Honor for his tremendous body of work.

Studs spoke. He told hilarious stories - - many of which I hope will be in his forthcoming memoirs - - and at one point, he made me horse laugh when he said...

"Alfred Lunt and Lynne Fontanne received an award in this room. And if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me."

He was smart and witty and charming and the room was FILLED with Chicago theatre heavy-hitters.

And one Tony-Award Winning heavy-hitter.

A Broadway star who flew into Chicago to present the medal to Studs.

The President of The Actors Fund - - Brian Stokes Mitchell

When I introduced myself to him as the Executive Director of Season of Concern, he thanked me for my work (SOC shares office space with the Chicago office of The Actors Fund and we award a large grant to them every year), and then he said it...

"Call me Stokes."

I immediately said, "My musical theatre friends are going to DIE when I tell them that I met you."

He said, "Well, I don't want them to die!!!"

What I wanted to say was, "My musical theatre friends will KILL THEMSELVES when I tell them that you asked me to call you Stokes."

Of course, he asks EVERYONE to call him Stokes, but that's beside the point.

He's my buddy, now. Stokes.

And he is handsome and warm and friendly and intelligent and a brilliant President for The Actors Fund. It was a thrill to meet him and to hear all of the wonderful Studs Terkel stories.

What a lovely way to start the week.

P.S. When I talked to Charissa after the luncheon and told her who I met, she said, "Stokes & Studs," to which I replied...

"Sounds like a gay bar in the West Village, doesn't it?"

Ol' Shellhead: Coming to a Theatre Near You!

I'm much more of a DC boy than I am a Marvel boy...

...but I have to say...

...this looks friggin' incredible!

Here it is - - the first trailer for the IRON MAN movie...


The casting of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark / Iron Man is inspired!

Who better to play a wildly brilliant man with severe substance abuse issues than a wildly brilliant man with substance abuse issues?

"Virtually Impotent"

On FOX News Sunday, the White House's chief homeland security adviser Frances Townsend had the following to say about Al Qaeda and, more specifically, about Osama bin Laden and his recently released video tape...

"There's nothing overtly obvious in the tape that would suggest this is a trigger for an attack.

"We know that Al Qaeda is still determined to attack, and we take it seriously. But this tape appears to be nothing more than threats. It's propaganda on their part.

"This is about the best he can do.

"This is a man on a run, from a cave, who's virtually impotent other than these tapes."

- White House chief homeland security adviser Frances Townsend

Hey, Frances. Six years ago tomorrow, this "virtually impotent" man arranged to have U.S. planes hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Six years ago tomorrow, this "virtually impotent" man killed thousands of American citizens.

This "virtually impotent" man is hard to miss since he is 6 feet, four inches tall and probably is in need of frequent dialysis because of kidney disease and still, the United States government CAN'T FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO JUSTICE FOR WHAT HE DID TO OUR PEOPLE AND OUR NATION.

If he's so fucking impotent, Frances, go get him and make him pay for killing thousands of our own six years ago tomorrow.

Until you find him, shut your fucking face about his "impotence."

And by the way, "overtly obvious" is redundant. Do any of you Bushies know how to fucking talk now that Rove is gone?

I Wonder How They'll Look In Purple Lycra...

Ummmm... have y'all heard about this?

Maggie Gyllenhaal - - currently filming THE DARK KNIGHT where she plays the role of Rachael Dawes...

...you know... the role played by Katie "I Married A Gay Man And All I Got Was This Lousy Pan-Asian Baby" Holmes in BATMAN BEGINS...

...has allegedly been approached to appear in another highly anticipated superhero big screen blockbuster, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA.

This movie has barely made it past the typing out of the title page of the first draft and we've already got crazy casting rumors like this?!? JLA: THE MOVIE is so far from production that Tom Cruise will be on his third beard by the time it opens.

What role would Maggie play in the JLA? Well, not a big one, so don't excited. Unless you've got a thing for shape-shifting identical twins who have to touch hands and say "Activate!" to initiate their powers.

Yep, that's right. Rumor has it that Maggie will join her uber-hot brother Jake to appear in the JLA movie as Zan and Jayna - - The Wonder Twins.

The Wonder Twins? Come on, guys. There are already WAY too many characters to follow for those who have no knowledge of the JLA.

I mean, Lawrence Fishbourne is rumored to be the first casting choice for The Martian Manhunter and just explaining the whole Green Martians / White Martians thing will be insane.

And when you add the issue of that character's various names - - forget it! I can hear the non-fanboys in the audience now: "Wait, is he John Jones or J'onn J'onzz or The Martian Manhunter? Who the fuck IS this guy, anyway?"

Do we really need to add characters created for "The All-New Super Friends Hour" when we've got Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Green Lantern, The Flash, Aquaman and the aforementioned Martian Manhunter?!?

Not to mention other possible JLAers like Hawkman, Hawkgirl, The Atom, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Captain Marvel, Elongated Man and Zatanna. Geez...

That's a lot of rubber & lyrca combo supersuits for one 2 hour movie, y'all.

If you're gonna go with Super Friends tag-alongs, why not go with the originals - - Wendy and Marvin!? Yeah, I know - - whether it's Zan and Jayna or Wendy and Marvin, the "Suck Factor" is still incredibly high.


Still, the thought of Jake Gyllenhaal playing Zan contains so many...

...possibilities...


Go with my horny mind for a second...


Since Zan's power is the ability to change into any form of water, I'm getting the mental image of me spending hours and hours in a hot, sexy bath filled with "Zan Gyllenhaal water".


Picture it: Jake greets me at the door after a hard day of work, leads me into the bathroom, takes off all of my clothes with his teeth (it could happen), lays me down in the tub and whispers in my ear...

"Form of a hot, orgasmic bubble bath."

Oh, to be bathed in Jake Gyllenhaal. MMMMmmmmm...

This Wonder Twin idea isn't that bad after all.

But who the Hell is going to play Gleek?

I have a suggestion...


P.S. Ryan Reynolds is rumored to be the first choice for The Flash.

Yes. Yes. Oh, and this just in - - YES!

I mean, look at Mr. Reynolds here...

I love a man who has abs I can shave with.

And maybe those abs won't cut my facial hair, but hey, rubbing my cheeks on that stomach will definitely make shaving a Hell of a lot more fun!

But the rumored choice to play The Batman?

Ben Stiller.

Yeah. THAT Ben Stiller.

Uh huh. Not so much...

Mr. Gunn: Flip Flops - Pro or Con?

Today on CBS News Sunday Morning, style guru and My New Imaginary Boyfriend Tim Gunn was interviewed about the dreaded footwear that just ain't going away no matter what we do...

The Flip Flop

Right out of the gate, he had this to say...

"I would that it goes hand in hand with 'Get thee to a pedicurist!'"

After discussing how the flip flop is embedded in our culture and here to stay, no matter who wears them to The White House, the show makes mention of extremely high-end flip flops.

There's a $850 pair made by Dolce & Gabbana, or these by Havaianas with a strap that is inlaid with diamonds and 1,636 feathers made out of 18 karat gold that cost - - and this is the truth - - the "actual retail price" as Bob Barker used to say - - $19,840!!

My last CAR didn't cost that much!

Do you know how many hustlers you can buy with $19,840?!?

Well, I don't but Ted Haggard does...

Anyway, Charles Kuralt mentions in the voice over that, when they're that expensive, you mustn't refer to them as a flip flop.

Mr. Gunn responded with...

"You spent HOW MUCH for a FLIP FLOP?!?"

"Once it becomes embellished and dressed up, people start to refer to it as a 'sandal'"

(He lets out a HUGE laugh)

"So, they take it out of the "flip flop genre" or they try to, but once a flip flop, always a flip flop."

Marry me, Tim Gunn. Marry me.

Failing that, can I be the next Andrè?

Please?

"Where the Hell is my chiffon?!?"

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #9

This week's entries were fewer, but as I say with regards to the men I sleep with, "Quality and not quantity."

Did anybody believe that?

Brilliant entries, but two really made me cackle. I mean, "cackle." You know, that crazy-assed, quasi-"Witchiepoo" laugh that I share with Paula Deen. Yeah, THAT cackle.

Well, it's tough deciding a winner between these two, but my First Runner-Up this week goes to my newfound blogger pal, Shirley Heezgay who submitted this brilliant caption...

"Wooden Crucifix: $7.95
Raver Whistle: $3.99
Backwards Vintage John Deere Cap: $9.99
Sight of dirty yellowed tube sock on your friend's non-existent penis:
You just saved about $4.95 at CVS on Ipecac Syrup."

Brilliantly funny because it's TRUE!!! Come on - - Sock Boy's penis IS non-existent.

But once again this week, I have to crown Jer from "you're being ridiculous" as the winner for his Hollywood reference level...

"Ladies and Gentlemen...Harvey Weinstein has done it again.
This time with Weekend at Bernies III...
Bernie's back and this time he's GAY!"

Love it, Jer. LOVE IT!!!

I thought I would go back to a little category that I call "real-life superheroes" - - not because these ARE superheroes, but because they are real folks in bad, superhero garb. And like the sitcom blurbs always say, "Let the hilarity ensue!"

Here's the picture for My Favorite Caption Contest Week #9...


What IS that between The Flash's legs?

Did Lex Luthor snatch Kal-El's supersuit?

Or did he and Supes get dressed in the dark after a homo-Kryptonian bootycall and now Clark is walking around Metropolis in that purple and green, lame-assed battlesuit of Lex's?

When did the JLA pick up this random, lace-covered "God, I'm so DRUNK!," Groupie Girl whose eyes look like two piss holes in the snow?

And what happened to Aquaman? Did he EAT the rest of the Justice League or something? Swimmer's build? I don't think so...

And Aquaman's got brown hair now! And he's wearing it in a faux-hawk like he's one of us pickle-kissers or something! What the fuck is going on?!?

Lots to work with, right? Give 'em a caption, folks.

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 14th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

Since when did Aquaman start carrying around that Triton pitchfork thingy? And he's got a beer AND a cup? What? Aquaman's a "two-fister?" Geez...

The Joans at Jackhammer

I just got in from see THE JOANS at Jackhammer as a part of the Flesh Hungry Dog Show and I have to say - - this is THE band to be following in Chicago right now!


From brand new songs like "Faye Dunaway" and "The Boys and the Booze" to songs that I heard at THE JOANS premiere performance like "Joan Wins" and (my personal favorite) "Mad at the Dirt," this band is a crowd pleaser...

...No, that doesn't do them justice...

This band makes the crowd scream! And dance uncontrollably. They make us brilliantly happy and you must, Must, MUST attend one of their shows if you're in town! They are the new "It" band.

My favorite moment of the night came when "Davy Joans" said..

"You know, a few minutes ago a reporter asked me what I thought and how I would describe the marriage between the Jackhammer and The Joans. I told him I thought it was a hell of a match!"

Who else in this town could take a line from MOMMIE DEAREST, substitute a couple of words and make a bar crowd roar with delight? Nobody.

Only THE JOANS.

Congrats to all of my buddies in THE JOANS - - especially David, Aaron, Jen and Ed.

I will definitely be one of the fans standing outside of your Hollywood home when you all win your first Oscar... or Grammy... whichever entertainment world you tackle first!

500 Days

I just noticed the Countdown on my iGoogle page...


I wonder how big this will grow in the time he has left?

A Successful FLIP FLOP

On the Monday, August 27th, I sang at an incredible benefit at Sidetrack for the About Face Youth Theatre Project.

We raised $9,000 for the gay & lesibian youth theatre. WOOHOO!!

The show was called FLIP FLOP because men sang women's songs and vice versa.


Here's me and the brilliantly talented Beckie Menzie and Honey West! Ain't we cute?

When Amy Matheny told me the gimmick to the show - - men singing women's songs and all that - - I thought, "Yeah, and?"

I mean, if you've ever seen me perform or heard me sing, you know that I've been singing women's songs since age 7 when I took my father's t-shirt, pulled the neck down just below my shoulders and did the Olivia Newton-John track in both "Summer Lovin'" and "You're The One That I Want" from GREASE, much to the horror of both of my parents.

And I knew there would be power ballads sung by both men and women from the cast of WICKED, SPELLING BEE, the Marriott Lincolnshire production of THE PRODUCERS and so on, so I really had to pull out my "A Game" here.

So, what did I end up singing? "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" - - Ursula, the Sea Witch's song from THE LITTLE MERMAID. Pat Carroll, eat your heart out.

I did all the dialogue leading-up-to and in-the-middle-of the song. And y'all, I was a hit!

Not that you can tell that "I was a hit" or that I was singing "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" or that I was doing anything other than having a conniption fit from these event photos.

As you can tell, I'm very subdued when I sing...

...very subdued...

Oy...

Jeff Loves RAGTIME

I knew it would happen. I knew it.

My brilliantly talented friend, Charissa Armon, has been nominated for Joseph Jefferson Award in the category of "Actress in a Principal Role - Musical" for her breathtaking performance as "Mother" in Porchlight Music Theatre's production of RAGTIME.

If you didn't see Charissa as "Mother," you missed one of the most passionate, most poetic and most perfect performances seen in Chicago musical theatre in years. Congratulations, Charissa!

In addition, my buddy Walter Stearns has been nominated for "Director - Musical" and my pal Eugene Dizon has been nominated for "Musical Direction" - - both for RAGTIME!

And my other RAGTIME friends Jayson Brooks and Aaron Graham have nominated as "Actor in a Principal Role - Musical" and "Actor in a Supporting Role - Musical," respectively.

To these RAGTIME-ers and to all of my other friends nominated for Jeff Awards for their past season of work, CONGRATULATIONS!! I will see you at the awards ceremony on Monday, October 29th!

P.S. Charissa: Just because you're a big musical theatre star now doesn't mean you can skip drinking with Master Aaron, John and me!!! We've got your number, baby!!

GGY-Meta

Everyone should take up TMI Tuesday.

I just last week started commenting on the TMI Tuesday blog that I had my answers "up" and several TMI bloggers checked out my answers - - one very cool one in particular...

Check out GGY-Meta: Tina Anderson's Blog. This woman's work is incredible! She's written some great work and I have only BEGUN to explore her stuff. I can't wait to read more!!

Her words, combined with the art in her books, makes me as moist as a snack cake down there.

Yum.

Fratboy Friday

Well, yesterday was a truly Craptastic Day. Thanks to Master Aaron and John for taking me to Crew, buying me dinner and inundating me with tall vodka cranberry after tall vodka cranberry. I needed that.

You know what I need to get me in a better mood? Another Fratboy Friday.

Here are this week's...

BOYS IN CAPS

I have a name for guys like this. I call them "Humpy MotherFuckers."

Several times a day, Philip and I can be heard walking down Broadway screaming...

"Baby, look at that Humpy MotherFucker!"

It's a little Term of Endearment. For people we want to blow.

****

SAGGERS

I know that this boy is probably not a "sagger" in the traditional sense (traditional? saggers have a "tradition" now?!?!), because his shorts aren't sagging to show his boxers.

But does anyone really mind if those shorts sag to reveal the most beautiful ass known to Man and God? I doubt it?

Besides, it's the perfect segue into...

****

MOONERS

I love this picture! It looks like these boys just HAPPENED to pull the backs of their shorts down, were casually chatting about "The Big Game" - - or whatever "straight" guys who will sleep with you after half a draft beer talk about - - and then turn around coyly and say...

"Stephen, what are you doing with that camera? You dirty boy. Well, you know what your punishment is. Alright, dudes - - Bukkake Time!"

Yeah. Like that's punishment for me.

But speaking of "'straight' guys who will sleep with you after half a draft beer,' it's time for...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Everything - - and I mean EVERYTHING - - about this pic reminds me of "back home."

The caption should simply say, "East Tennessee."

I love the Redneck Boys. The redder the better.

President Bush Playing

Don't fuck with Keith Olbermann.

Watch this. All of it. Now.

Fred's First Lady

Well, he finally did it. Fred Thompson finally announced that he is a candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination.

Even though Fred is a good ol' boy from my home state, I don't really care about him, his politics or his candidacy, but I do love one thing about him...

His wife. Check her out!


Yep, folks, that's Jeri Kehn, Fred Thompson's wife - - the bloated, splotchy, "looks like an ex-JUGS MAG model," "Two Dollar stripper," white trash, beer waitress who COULD BE our future First Lady.

And I love her! And she OBVIOUSLY adores Fred. Look at her LEERING at him...

If I didn't know that Fred was a politician and a big ol' star on LAW & ORDER, I would think that look she's giving him means that Fred is packin'.

Fred packin'. I know. It made me lose my wood, too.

But y'all - - look at those tits!!! Can you imagine THOSE in the Oval Office?!?!?

And those White House insiders thought Hillary was Hellish?!?! Wait till Jeri - - yeah, that's "Jeri" with an "i" that she probably dots with a heart - - gets in there!

Why do I hear the lyrics to Gretchen Wilson's REDNECK WOMAN in my head when I look at Jeri? Hmmm.....

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay

Last night, Eric told Philip and me a story where this sentence was used over and over again...

"My perjama's been worrying me some..."

And I told them about this new segment on THE SOUP entitled...

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay

Now you know what a "perjama" is, don't you?

I mean, after you hear Oprah say, "My Va-Jay-Jay is painin'," everything comes into focus, doesn't it?

Oh, that Joel McHale. I love me some Joel McHale. Mmmm.....

Blockade Boy

This morning on the bus ride downtown, I was reading my new INSTINCT MAGAZINE and came across a little blurb about a fun, comic book blogger named Blockade Boy who, as it says in the INSTINCT article...

"...dissects comic book fashion even more bitchily than Mr. Blackwell."

Loves it. LOVES IT!!!

The blog is by Jeremy Rizza and after a quick scan of the site, it's now one of my favorites!

I just clicked around a bit and found this section of his post from February 7, 2007 about one of my favorite Golden Age superheroes, LIBERTY BELLE.

And again, these are Blockade Boy's words, not mine... and they are brilliant...

"Nobody could rock lemon-yellow jodphurs like Liberty Belle. She was tall enough that it didn't make her ass look big. And her hair was always gorgeous. It's just a shame about her face, huh? She was often mistaken for a thoroughbred Creamello filly, which explains the time I saw a policeman mounting her in Central Park.

"You'll notice she doesn't wear a mask. Which makes zero sense, considering she doesn't wear a wig or glasses or nothing in her civilian identity. I think we can thank Roy Thomas for the mask idea. (Finally, something I can thank Thomas for.)

"Golly, but her face sure looks familiar. Where have I seen it before? That harsh, bony face, that mane of blonde hair...

"Holy shit! It's Super Ann Coulter!"

-Blockade Boy

See what I mean? Brilliant! Friggin' brilliant!

Check out Blockade Boy. I'm in love with him!!

"Supergirl! SUPERGIRL!"

Just in case there are any straight boys who read ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?...

...are there any straight boys reading this?... nah...

Well, for all of the lesbians (if any) who read ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?...

Don't say I never gave you anything...

Here she is: the new Supergirl - - Kara from this season's SMALLVILLE...

Pretty damn hot, huh? They got the costume right. I mean, she IS wearing a belly shirt.

The Supergirl episode entitled "Kara" airs October 4th on the CW. Check here for more pics.

FYI: The title of this post is my homage to Faye Dunaway's horrific line reading of "Supergirl! SUPERGIRL!" in the film version of - - you guessed it - - SUPERGIRL!

Joy Behar Tells It Like It Is!

Well, we thought that it was going to be boring after Rosie left and maybe it won't have the same chutzpah, but once again, Joy Behar tells it like it is!


This is from today's episode of THE VIEW and Joy is talking about, you guessed it, Senator Larry Craig...

"The reason that people are on his case is because of the hypocrisy.

"This is a man who was vehemently anti-gay.

"He's against gay marriage. He's against protection in the workplace for gay people. This is it!

"Mark Foley, the one who was going after the Pages - - another hypocrite.

"Ted Haggard, the preacher - - another hypocrite.

"It's like, all of a sudden, all of the people who are against gay marriage and against gay rights, let's just assume they're gay, okay!"

- Joy Behar

Joy Behar - - I love you! Preach, sister, PREACH!!!

TMI Tuesday

After today's earlier post, how about something a little less controversial... like TMI Tuesday!

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?

I had a salad.

Of course, this was after a liquid lunch of never-ending Cosmos at Aaron and John's Memorial Day party, so don't think just because I had a salad for dinner I treat my body like a temple.

I treat my body like a whorehouse.

A whorehouse that just happens to look like a temple.


2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?

Well, "right now" is almost 10:00 p.m. and I just got in from dinner with Eric and Philip at Halsted's Bar & Grill and then late night ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery, so there ain't NOTHIN' in my wallet but a debit card, a CTA Chicago Card Plus and the personal card of a boy I met on the bus... who was very cute... very, very, very cute...


3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?

So few men flirt with me - - it's usually less coy than "flirting" and more along the lines of "You wanna?" Still, I rarely look a gift horse in the mouth - - whatever the fuck that means...

Someone coming on way too strong, however, always turns me off and I usually just say that I have an early day in the morning and leave like a gentleman. People who have known me for a long time know that the best way to get me to NOT do something is to try and push me into it.

I don't like being pushed, being told what to do or being told that I "need to do" this or that.

A boy I recently went on a date with sent me a ton of text messages one night and when I called him to stop the frenzy of texts...

...well, first he acted shocked that I was calling even though we had been texting each other for about 20 minutes!!!...

...but when I told him that I couldn't text anymore because I only get 100 text messages a month, his response was...

"Oh, you need a better plan."

My reply...

"No. I need you to stop text messaging me."

I don't NEED to do anything but die and pay taxes, as my Daddy used to say.


4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"?

No, but I do believe that if you get him through him cheating on his significant other to be with you, then when he's your significant other... well... you do the math.


5. Describe your sex life in two words.

Kinky bitch.

And nothing quite says "Kinky bitch" like this picture of Tom Welling from God-only-knows what episode of SMALLVILLE.

Well, there are other "Kinky bitch" pictures that I could post, but, as Master Aaron says, "it would shock the children."


Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?

I haven't ever and won't ever pay for sex.

Now, have I ever BEEN PAID for sex? Well, you didn't ask me that, now did you?

Fag

Fag.

Fag.

Fag, fag, fag, fag, fag.

Faggot. Faggie. Faggie-assed. Fag-Lovin' Faggoty Fag.

F. A. G.

FAG!!!

That's the word, folks. It's not "The F Word." It's not "The OTHER F Word." It's not "A Derogatory Term for Homosexuals." It's fag. A word.

And as I see it, if Jerry Lewis - - in his 18th straight hour on live television raising money for muscular dystrophy - - makes a joke that uses a word - - like fag - - that hurts your feelings, GROW THE FUCK UP!

This isn't the playground anymore. Jerry Lewis isn't a homophobe. He didn't call for a ban on gay marriage. He didn't say that God Hates Fags. He didn't say that we all were sick and immoral. He said a word...

Fag.

I am not afraid of that word. I AM that word. I am a fag.

I'm more afraid of people who tie up Matthew Shepard to a fence, pistol-whip him and leave him for dead.

But Jerry Lewis saying the word fag, doesn't scare me. It doesn't upset me. It doesn't hurt me.

Because I'm an adult. Grow up and get a life.

Walk With Me. Walk With WICKED

As I mentioned a little while ago, I am the Captain for Season of Concern's AIDS Walk Team 2007.

The Walk is only two weeks away now, but recently several friends have sent in pledges for me personally...

...Thank you David, Eugene & Wally, Alanda, Rhoda, Kristie and everyone else for their GENEROUS pledges...

And several friends have joined Season of Concern's Team...

..."Master Aaron," Ben, Maria, Philip, Jodi- - THANK YOU!!!

And this week, some our team gained some INCREDIBLE new members when some of...

...wait for it, wait for it...

The Chicago Cast of WICKED Join
Season of Concern's AIDS Walk Team!

Not only did longtime Season of Concern supporter, Don Richard, of Chicago WICKED fame join our team - - he also asked around in the cast! As of today, we will be walking with...

Erin Mackey
Chicago WICKED's Glinda!!

Summer Naomi Smart

Chicago WICKED's Nessarose!!!

Dee Roscioli

Chicago WICKED's Elphaba!!!

Alongside fabulous WICKED cast member
Marisa Field and PSM Leigh Catlett!!!

You SO want to walk the AIDS Walk on Season of Concern's Team, don't you!?!?

Come on. Join the team. Maybe Ms. Roscioli will sing a little bit of DEFYING GRAVITY with you as we walk. Or maybe she and Ms. Mackey will sing FOR GOOD after we cross the finish line.

How friggin' cool would that be?!?!?

To join the SOC Team or to pledge me in the Walk, go here and type in "Stephen Rader" in the search field. The site will guide you through the rest.

Some Skinny Blonde Chicks

I am SO EXCITED to announce that a frequent provider of BRILLIANT comments here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? has started her own blog!!!! Today! Friggin' TODAY!!!!

So, be sure to add it to your subscriptions, visit it and give her lots of love. She's wonderful and even though we've never met, I have a deep affection for this woman.

Her blog is THAT SKINNY BLONDE CHICK.

You love it already, right?

And speaking of skinny blonde chicks, I just downloaded Dolly Parton's brand new song on iTunes - - YOU BETTER GET TO LIVIN' - - and I love it!!

Yeah, I know. Stephen is in love with a Dolly Parton song.

Shock.

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #8

Once again, the entries were HILARIOUS and once again, too many of them made me truly laugh out loud to just pick one winner.

So this week, I'm going with two runners- up (runner-ups? runner-uppers?) - - not in any order, because both are genius.

One is from last week's winner, Philip...

There once was a laddie from Greenland
Who's penis was shaped like a green hand.
He'd squeeze like a fist
With his foreskin-ed wrist,
And punch you right into a dream land.

You can't go wrong with a limerick, can you?

The other is from my good friend Whim over at "The Babblings of Whimsicalnbrainpan"...

"Instead of going blind as he was told he would, something totally unexpected happened when Rick spent too much time playing with himself."

Ah, the side effects of too much masturbation combined with over-exposure of gamma radiation. It's uglier than Restless Leg Syndrome, isn't it?

Brilliant captions, but for this weeks' winner, I had to go with Jer from "you're being ridiculous," whose submission combined superhero marketing with the sex toy industry - - a combo that I wish truly existed...

"Wow! These superhero pocket pussies really do take it to the next level!"

If that phrase isn't the EXACT expression BEAMING from that boy's face, then Larry Craig really IS straight.

And Tom Cruise really IS Suri's father.

And Britney really IS a good parent.

Shall I go on?

For this Week #8's Caption Contest picture, I'm going with an image that I posted last week in the ARE YOU THERE, BLOG's first ever FRATBOY FRIDAY.

I think this pic could use a little backstory... an explanation... a caption telling us all exactly WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON... something...

So much to work with in this picture... so much...

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 7th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

And if you haven't already done so, check out Shirley Heezgay's CAPTION THIS. This week's pic is truly bizarre and I love it!!

THE ONION Tackles Larry Craig

THE ONION does it again...

"I don't have any problem with his behavior, as long as he wasn't trying to marry the guy."

If that doesn't echo the current American opinion of homosexuality, I don't know what does.

What Larry Craig Was Really Thinking

There are a ton of these floating around right now. Several of them are brilliant.

Like the one that Alex posted earlier in the week.

Or the one that Bob posted yesterday.

But this one that I just found had me SCREAMING with laughter. And I mean screaming!



I don't know Steve H. Graham, but I love any man who combines references to Lance Bass, Bette Midler's Sophie Tucker jokes and Rock Hudson in PILLOW TALK alongside pictures of Faye Dunaway's "No Wire Hangers" scene in MOMMIE DEAREST with "Gay Dancing Spider-Man" thrown in for good measure!!

Well done, Mr. Graham. Well done.

Oh, and by the way, is ANYBODY buying Larry's whole "wide stance" excuse?

Doesn't "stance" imply "standing?"

And we all know Larry wasn't standing. He was on his knees.

The lying, filthy, nasty-assed, hypocritical cocksucker.