In East Tennessee, we refer to everything as a "Coke." When you ask someone what they would like to drink, they'll say, "A coke" and then you ask them, "What kind?" and they'll say, "Sprite" or "7-Up" or if they want a Coca-Cola, they'll say, "Regular."
As a kid, I drank "Regular." Mama probably mixed my baby formula with "Regular." And I drank "Regular," breakfast, lunch and dinner, until I hit my 30's. That was when my DNA reminded me that, unless I fight it, my body type wants to be "Dom DeLouise." So, I switched to Diet Coke, not "for the taste of it," but for my hope to never play Burt Reynolds' fat, funny friend in the movies...
I never drank Pepsi. Ever. Recently, I was buying groceries and found that my supermarket was out of 2 liters of Diet Coke, so I had to buy Pepsi. Going through the check out, I sounded like a character in a David Mamet play...
"You call this a supermarket, you son of a bitch? I've been coming here 15 years... What's my name? 'FUCK YOU!' That's my name! You know why, mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I rode in a quarter of a million dollar bus! THAT'S MY NAME!"
But after the American Family Association called for a boycott on all Pepsi products since Pepsi has been airing gay-friendly commercials in the UK, I thought about possibly changing sides in the Cola War.
Pepsi has refused to cave in to the AFA's boycott.
Not only that, Pepsi just made a $500,000 donation to Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays to show their continued support of the gay community.
So, I guess I'll be switching to Auntie Joan's favorite soft drink. Well, it was Mommie Dearest's favorite after she married Pepsi's CEO, anyway.
I guess Joan knew best all along.
Maybe after I've shown my allegiance to Pepsi, Joan will teach me how to knit that afghan she's holding up on the cover of "Lady's Circle." And how she manages to give the camera a half-smile while her eyes remain dead.
That's talent. True, Trog-starring talent.