Saturday, February 07, 2009

"We Have to Look Great for Pepsi-Cola!"

I have been a Coca-Cola drinker for years. 

In East Tennessee, we refer to everything as a "Coke." When you ask someone what they would like to drink, they'll say, "A coke" and then you ask them, "What kind?" and they'll say, "Sprite" or "7-Up" or if they want a Coca-Cola, they'll say, "Regular."

As a kid, I drank "Regular." Mama probably mixed my baby formula with "Regular." And I drank "Regular," breakfast, lunch and dinner, until I hit my 30's. That was when my DNA reminded me that, unless I fight it, my body type wants to be "Dom DeLouise." So, I switched to Diet Coke, not "for the taste of it," but for my hope to never play Burt Reynolds' fat, funny friend in the movies... 


I never drank Pepsi. Ever. Recently, I was buying groceries and found that my supermarket was out of 2 liters of Diet Coke, so I had to buy Pepsi. Going through the check out, I sounded like a character in a David Mamet play...

"You call this a supermarket, you son of a bitch? I've been coming here 15 years... What's my name? 'FUCK YOU!' That's my name! You know why, mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I rode in a quarter of a million dollar bus!  THAT'S MY NAME!"

But after the American Family Association called for a boycott on all Pepsi products since Pepsi has been airing gay-friendly commercials in the UK, I thought about possibly changing sides in the Cola War. 

Pepsi has refused to cave in to the AFA's boycott.

Not only that, Pepsi just made a $500,000 donation to Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays to show their continued support of the gay community.

So, I guess I'll be switching to Auntie Joan's favorite soft drink. Well, it was Mommie Dearest's favorite after she married Pepsi's CEO, anyway.

I guess Joan knew best all along. 

Maybe after I've shown my allegiance to Pepsi, Joan will teach me how to knit that afghan she's holding up on the cover of "Lady's Circle." And how she manages to give the camera a half-smile while her eyes remain dead. 

That's talent. True, Trog-starring talent.

12 comments:

Sean said...

like the new pic

Viking Zombie Boyfriend said...

I'm guessing Joan knitted that afghan while she was in a fugue state (and she was still in it when the picture was taken).

Anonymous said...

Stephen, you crack me up. :)

The whole blog this week has put a smile on my face. From va-jay-jay, to 10 seconds of super bowl porn, Faye vs Hillary, Christian's remix and now looking good for Pepsi cola! While still having dead eyes of course.

Martha Stewart, I always thought had dead eyes. She reminds me of that line from "Jaws" ..."Black eyes...like a doll's eyes. Dead and lifeless, until she bites ya...and then those eyes roll over white." --haha.

Polt said...

I've been a Pepsi guy since I've been able to choose what I want to drink. Although, a fountain Coke I'll take over a bottled Pepsi anyday.

HUGS...

yellowdog granny said...

In Texas it was 'what kind of coke to you want"..and I'd say Dr Pepper...never ever a coke or pepsi kid..Dr Pepper only...when I was drinking that was how I gauged how much I had to drink the night before by how many Dr Pepper's I had before I went to work..If Ihad more than 4 I knew I had a great time..When I became diabetic that was the hardest thing to give up..Dr Pepper and no way was I drinking Diet Dr Pepper...there is no substitution for the real thing..So when I've had a good weak of low blood sugar that is how I reward myself..with a 8oz. glass bottle of Dublin Dr Pepper..Breakfast of champions...
and you know no one will ever write a song about Barbara Stanwicks eyes like they did for Bette Davis...

the hobbit said...

Done. They support us; I support them.

Kevin said...

Once Coke switched to New Coke (and then back again), my family became Pepsi drinkers. And I will be to my dying day.

But I gotta say, I'm not a fan of their new logo OR all their new ads/billboards.

But I'm still gonna drink it.

"Just David!" said...

i think there's a clause on the back of your birth certificate that says if you switch to pepsi, you're no longer allowed to refer to yourself as southern... it's on mine! i love coke, my 2nd husband was an architect for them in atlanta, all the coke one could drink, unfortunately it wasn't enough to keep us together... ha!

just me said...

I knew there was some good reason for me to start drinking pepsi-cola, which is how we always said it when I was coming up...Of course back then you could get an RC-coke-a-cola, and the inevitable moon-pie...I have to ask, did they put coke in your baby bottle? Now that's hillbilly right there...

Scooter said...

I think this is the picture where Joan knitted her 5th child, Pheoby. Most people don't know about Pheoby. Many thought she was deaf and dumb. Not true, she was just knitted from cheap yarn.

Java said...

I get lost in the laughs just following your linky-love! I've never seen Cannonball Run. Isn't that sad? I think we should spend this Sunday afternoon sittin' on the sofa, drinking Pepsi and watching Cannonball Run. Just you and me.

I'm a Pepsi man, myself. And a Ford man, too, since you asked.

Project Christopher said...

I, too, am from the south and you're right. Pull up to McD's drive through and say "a large coke" and they'd ask either "What kind" or sometimes in my rural area it was "What flavor" I drank 'regular' too for the longest time and then switch over to diet when they made it taste better. Somewhere in there I got into Diet Pepsi. Now, while I'll take a Diet Coke, the preference is still Diet Pepsi with a lemon! and Fountain is always better!