Sunday, February 08, 2009

"Superman and Green Lantern Ain't Got Nothin' on Me!"

The Hero Factory web site is all the rage on the blagosphere these days, and since I have a deep love for both comic books and men dressed in skintight fetish gear, making my very own superhero was a thrill... except for... Well, let me explain it this way...

When I sit in the audience on the opening night of a play that I have directed, I always feel like I'm...

A) In hard labor, in the stirrups, sweating through the painful birth of my child, only I can't move, I can't have an epidural and I can't scream at the baby/actor, "For Christ's sake, you're on! You're on! Make your entrance! Your fucking killing me!!!"... 

...and, I feel like I'm...

B) Watching that very same child walk out of my life and into college, with a smirk on his face that says, "Screw you, Dad! From now on, I do what I want to do!," turning his back to me and shaking his head in that "God, you are SUCH a friggin' DUMBASS!," way that all teenagers seem do at least 37 times a hour.


Seriously, when it's opening night and you're sitting in the audience watching as the actors add lines, forget entrances and walk offstage with a prop needed in the next scene ("You leave the sardines!"), it feels like natural childbirth colliding with the empty nest syndrome. All in front of a live studio audience!


And while the my issues with the Hero Factory didn't cause me "umbrella up your ass" labor pains or deep sadness, I was a little pissed that I didn't get to choose my hero's name. The site generates a name for your hero after you've chosen all of the hero's physical attributes, which is why the "P" on his chest has nothing whatsoever to do with his superhero name. 

The name "Four Eyed Knight" doesn't contain the letter "P," but it does contain a great deal of "suck."

Truth be told, I hadn't quite decided on his name when I finished Four Eyed's physical attributes, but I was, obviously, thinking of something uber-gay...

..."Does this pink Lycra jumpsuit make me look gay? Yeah? Well, what if I get up off my knees and take your penis out of my mouth. Now, do I still look gay? Oh look, hair gel..."...


...So, I was thought about calling him "The Pink (???)." I wasn't quite sure what the second word would be. Maybe "The Pink Flame," or "The Pink Avenger." Or maybe, camp it up and name him "Pinky Lee." Or even gayer - - "Pinky Tuscadero!" (God, I loved her...)

But no, my gay keeper of the satin tights will have to somehow fight crime AND his suck-ass, site-generated hero name, "Four Eyed Knight."

And since there's no "P" in his superhero name but there IS a big "P" on his chest, those rumors will start again. You remember. THOSE rumors. Four Eyed Knight... Aqualad... watersports... Well, it wasn't like that at all!

It might have LOOKED a little sordid, but everyone knows that Aqualad needs water once an hour, right? And Four Eyed Knight was stung by a jelly fish and the best thing to do for a jelly fish sting is to have a friend... 

Well, it's just unfortunate that that Olsen kid was nearby with a zoom lens, photographing it all for the tabloids. The "P" on Four Eyed Knight's chest will remind people of those pictures. People will start believing those rumors. Soon, Four Eyed Knight will be bombarded by men, hundreds of men, each one saying three little words to him, over and over...

"Pee on me."

Well, maybe this name isn't so bad after all...

10 comments:

Java said...

Nah, not such a good generated name, but I like the looks of him! Can I be his fag hag?

doreus said...

Hero Factory was a bit of a disappointment for me... Just could not get the right combo. I did enjoy, however, the possibility of giving him a spork as an accessory, which led to a whacky auto-generated name. But not worth posting...

Kevin said...

I used to have the Mighty Men & Monster Maker as a kid.

http://www.inthe80s.com/toys/mightymenandmonstermaker.shtml

I played with it endlessly. AND I could name the characters myself!

Polt said...

ohmygod, you put so much more thought, and drama, into your hero than I did.

But then I feel less angst about mine, so I guess it all balances out in the end, eh? :)

HUGS...

McCool said...

i say stop at simple. just call him THE PINK

yellowdog granny said...

I ended up as a 'floating bug'...no thanks..I'd rather have the labor pains of directing a play than the actual labor pains of giving birth to a 9lb. 10oz. big headed kid..thank you very much..

fanboi said...

I was unimpressed. You want to see a col hero creation engine, try playing City of Heroes or City of Villains.

Ian FInley said...

"And you leave the sardines."

This has become my standard explanation when one of my students walks off with the wrong prop. So much so that they began saying it among themselves.

It was therefore a delight to me when one of them runs into rehearsal shouting "Ian! Ian! There's this play, Noises Off, and they stole your line!!"

Always know your sources, children. Always know your sources.

Stephen Rader said...

Ian - Okay, that made me laugh so hard, I think I woke my upstairs neighbor! That is genius!!!

You better tell that Michael Frayn to back the fuck off and stop stealing your material! :)

Project Christopher said...

Ian/Stephen... that's where we realize we've just crossed the generational divide! It was funny!

I did that superhero generator and, because I love wings, I gave him some and my super hero name is Soaring Condor. Ummm.... Soaring, sounds pretty good. Condor? Could you pick any other carrion eating bird that didn't look so cancerous itself?