Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Don't Be a Lover, Be a Person"

A couple of years ago, I was waiting in line at the Walgreen's on Belmont and Broadway, when a man walked into the store and stopped dead in his tracks the second he saw the Valentine's Day aisles.

Yes, that's "aisles," plural. As in "more than one." Apparently, one store aisle wasn't big enough to hold all the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, all the doily-covered cards, and all the different versions of "Sweethearts" tarts.

So of course the man stopped in his tracks. It was too much to take in. Especially when you realize that it was only January 2nd.

And because it was only the second day of the new year, the man stood there in front of the Valentine's Day aisles, let out a deep sigh and said in a loud booming voice...

"Valentine's Day? FUCK!!!"

Then, he bravely tried to walk to the back of the store. I don't know if he ever made it out or not.

For the record, after you have lived through Thanksgiving and Christmas, and New Year's Day was YESTERDAY, the ONLY reaction to have when you see the phrase "Be Mine" on ANYTHING is "Valentine's Day? FUCK!!!"

If your reaction is "Valentine's Day? COOL BEANS!!!," may I suggest this...



P.S. Speaking of "corn syrup and white bread," my favorite breakfast when I was a kid...

...and, truth be told, it's still my favorite breakfast to this day...

...was something I first had in elementary school when I spent the night at my friend Mark's place.

(Get your filthy mind away from that mental image before Chris Hanson knocks on your door, you perv.)

For breakfast, Mark's mother made a peanut butter sandwich with white bread, laid it onto a plate, cut it into small cubes and then covered it in maple syrup.

She called it a "syrup sandwich." As my Daddy says, "It'll make your tongue slap your brains out!"

Now, you understand my love of Paula Deen, don't you?

9 comments:

Aaron said...

"Paula Deen Butt Massage."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Mark in DE said...

My interpretation of this entry:
The South, The South, The South, The South, The South, The South.

Where you from, anyway? LOL

anatomicsd said...

We had that as kids as well. That and margarine/butter spread on sliced bread and then sprinkled with sugar.

Bunny said...

My Daddy made it by mixing peanut butter, butter, and pancake syrup together and then spreading on spongy white bread (Wonder!). I loved it so much that I sent the "recipe" in to my favorite show, ZOOM! and they paid me $1 to use it on the air. Highlight of my life

whimsical brainpan said...

LOL! I love the video and feel the same about V-Day. It's lame when you have to buy yourself your own presents.

yellowdog granny said...

i loved sugar sandwiches too...but if i had to be in a room with paula deane and her screaching fucking voice I'd be forced to take her out with my iron skillet...and that dippy evoo bitch rachael ray...if they locked me in a room with both of them, i'd go beserk and bip them both into a coma.

just me said...

A big treat was always syrup, pronounced serp, and buscuits....I favored maple syrup, but it was a given you should eat it with cane or dark karo syrup. Of course we also enjoyed sugar sandwiches....no wonder my teeth are falling out!!

For what it's worth, Happy Valentine's Day, Stephen.

cb said...

Paula Deen really needs to be shot. Or maybe lethally injected with a concoction of butter and maple syrup.

Kristie said...

Walked into do shopping at Kroger earlier this week. Two huge aisles of Easter, Easter for goodness sakes isn't till April all that crap will be stale by then. ARGH!