Monday, January 07, 2008

In the News

Some news items are obvious and some enlightening.

The latter, as the song goes, are "Things That Make You Go 'Hmmmm,'" and the former are "Things That Make You Go 'Duh.'"

I mean, when you see the headline below, don't you immediately think, "Way to go, Jacques Cousteau. Did you need flashcards and an abacus to figure that one out?"


Come on. I heard that if Suri had been born a boy, they would have named him after the father - - Turkey Baster Cruise. What a name, huh?

Then, there's news with information you can actually use to help you through life's more difficult moments. For example...


"HONOLULU (Jan. 5) - A sidekick of TV bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman turned himself in to authorities Friday after a shopping center security guard reported seeing him naked in his pickup truck, performing a lewd act, police said.

"But Tim Chapman's lawyer insists his client spilled juice on himself and was just changing clothes Thursday night."


Be that as it may, Lawyer Man, there wasn't bottle of cranberry juice, a juice box or even one slice of an orange IN the truck at the time of arrest, but that's irrelevant.

The excuse seems to have worked and that's what's important here.

That is what we can learn from this.


Now, I can finally go back to riding my bike naked through the streets of Chicago, stopping to masturbate when a hot guy is walking by.

If the police stop me, I'll just say...

"Hey, I spilled some juice, ok. Lighten up.
Oh, and can I borrow your billy-club for a second?"

14 comments:

Aaron said...

Well...they didn't say WHAT KIND of juice, did they? He could very well have been telling the truth, you know...

"Turkey Baster Cruise"--HAHAHAHA!!!

Tina said...

First off, I don't believe a word of anything Andrew Morton writes--but, like my ma says: "where's there's smoke, someone's smoking". It's highly likely that she did do the baster--but with Tom's juice.

I'm sorry, but his first wife says he didn't touch her for over a year [Mimi Rogers is no slouch, come on!]; and how the hell you gonna lose a woman like Nicole Kidman? Not banging her, that's how!

He has a kid, but I think he went the Dr. Frankenstein route to get it.

The sad truth is, unlike secure and brave gay celebs, Cruise is a cowardly closet case who isn't going to come out until he's dying of something--or pictures are found. (>.>)

Catty Bitch said...

Slain, girl! You are so consistently funny! Lerve.

cb said...

I don't think he was jacking off. I mean... what guy needs to completely take off his pants to fire off a few knuckle children??

Stephen Rader said...

aaron - True. Guess he did have a little "juice spill" at that.

tina - Won't it be great when he's caught with his pants down? Literally. Hopefully, in some Larry Craig sort of way.

catty bitch - Thanks, baby. How are things going? Miss your blog.

cb - It's not that you HAVE to take off your clothes to pound your pud. It's just that it's much more fun if you're naked. In a truck. In a parking lot. Surrounded by post-holiday shoppers. See how exciting that was for him? :)

Tina said...

CB: Cruise has some srs smerts when it comes to women. According to him, depression in women is a myth--something the fizokiatrist just made up to sell pills.

Hey, I'd love for him to be right; I don't know about you, but I'd rather ride the back of his hand, than shell out two 20 dollar bills for a 30 days supply of Zoloft [or whatever the popular anti-depressant is, these days.]

Shirley Heezgay! said...

The Suri Cruise story is my second favourite moment of 2008.

Polt said...

I would have been more interested had it been Dawg hot-ass SON in the truck naked! now THAT would be worth seeing. I'd even visit *SHUDDER* Perez Hilton for those photos.

But this guy? Eh, not so much. he's pretty gnarly.

Maybe he was just trying entice one of the bail jumpers they were going after? Ya know, the gay guy that has a fetish for naked gnarly old men in trucks?

HUGS...

Aaron said...

According to IMDB.com, Tim Chapman was born in 1965, making him 42 (43 in May. If that's "old and gnarly," may I be signing up for that same club soon.

Where can I get my card? Can I use it at Costco? :-)

Project Christopher said...

Lord Lord Lord... like Britney (see my blog) I've come to the point that I couldn't care less about Tom. Since the time he used Oprah's couch as a trampoline, he was so off my radar he wasn't even hot sexually anymore.
However, the guy in the truck, that could be some fun! WOOHOO

Stephen, are you back on the police baton again??? what's up with that? After the mega red rocket toy I figured a baton was too small to worry with!

Polt said...

my GOD..I'm 40.....

Okay, maybe's NOT old and gnarly...but he LOOKS old and gnarly!

There...that's better....

HUGS..

Mark in DE said...

Okay, the 'Sidekick' story totally makes sense to me. The "lewd act" he was caught performing in his truck WAS 'spilling his juice'!

'Nuff said. We've all done it.

Mark :-)

roborange said...

Suri is Chris Klein's baby. Holmes was pregnant when she hooked up with
Cruise. Or so I here...

Stephen Rader said...

tina - Cruise is cuckoo-panties. There's a line of Karen's from WILL & GRACE where she says, "Oh, sweetie. Don't you know that there's no such thing as psychiatry. Or postpartum depression. Or Brooke Shields." One of my favorite lines ever.

Shirley - If the Suri story is number 2, what's number 1? :)

polt - Yep, Dog's tatt'ed out son is pretty damn hot, but I'd still like to see this dude naked. Hell, there aren't very many men I DON'T want to see naked. Like Cheney and Dubya...

aaron - I'm right behind you, baby. Where's my AARP card? :)

chris - The baton is just a warm-up. I like to keep it up there while the real magic happens.

mark - You're so right. The juice was definitely spilled!!!!

roborange - Wouldn't it be great it if Suri was Christian Bale's baby. She'd be born in BATMAN BEGINS. The comic book geek in me is CREAMING over that!