Tuesday, January 13, 2009

TMI Tuesday

It's been a long time since I TMI'ed...

1.On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?

Just last month, a Chicago theatre critic caused a bit of controversy when she reviewed a local production of Romeo & Juliet and the review was printed in a local paper. Even though the critic admitted that she only attended the first act of the play. What a gal, huh?

People were upset because, when you review a play in it's entirety, it's best to actually view THE ENTIRE PLAY. I mean, watching just half of The Way We Were leaves you with The Way They Are - - Hubbell and Katie, together forever. It doesn't fucking work.

So, since the last couple of people I have had sex with promised me 69, but left me with 68 - - which means, I did them, they got dressed and told me "I'll owe you one." - - I will defer from rating my sexual satisfaction at this time. Like the "Half-a-Show Critic," I don't think I should rate the 68's.

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?

"Thank you, Daddy. May I have more?"

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?

It's telling when I can't think of one thing. Many men have been extremely romantic with and for me, but nothing really stands out in my mind right now. Which means it's been WAY too long since I've been on a date.

Now, where did I put that small talk?...

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?

In a house that was under construction. Some of the outside walls were up and some weren't.

So, of course, we stood in the area where there WEREN'T any walls. Completely naked. In the moonlight. With people walking by.

Should I be amazed, thankful or insulted that those people didn't see, hear or notice the two of us fucking as they walked by?!?

5. How do you liked to be kissed?

Early and often. In every way imaginable. Different times call for different kisses.

However, if you're the kind of kisser who enjoys taking your tongue and shoving it down another man's throat, I will stop you and show you another area of my body where your probing tongue will make me EXTREMELY happy.

Bonus (as in optional):Most embarrassing sexual moment?

A fuck buddy of mine asked me to play out a scene with him where I was German skin head who would "rough him up" a little in the course of our usual fucking and sucking. (Stop laughing!) He really wanted me to play the part. Meaning, he wanted me to speak only in German. Yeah...

We were chatting online late at night when he asked me over to do this scene, which left me with no knowledge of German and no time. So, I Googled a English-to-German translator and frantically began to translate and memorize every dirty phrase I could think of. In a few minutes, I was ready. But the guy asking for the German wasn't.

You see, when you ask an actor to role play a scene with you, we don't fuck around. I was trained for this; I was IN this scene. I was only speaking the dirty German phrases I had looked up, nothing else. And when my fuck buddy didn't understand, I would get angrier, more forceful, "less giving with the goods," if you know what I'm saying.

Finally, my fuck buddy had had enough of me and my queer Hitler, so when I yelled the one of the same (now, probably rather tedious) dirty phrases in German and got a little pushy, he screamed at the top of his lungs...

"For Christ's sake, I don't know what the fuck you're saying!"

I apologized and calmed him down, but I didn't laugh. Even though, I was laughing my ass off inside. Laughing at what a supreme douche I must have looked and sounded like.

I should have just walked in, had him blow me, sang Danke Shoen and been done with it.


My friends call me Mitzi said...

I'm gonna answer this briefly right here. Hope ya don't mind.

1) 10. 8.5 if someone else is involved.

2) What took ya so long?

3) Not makin' me sleep in the wet spot. Only happened once. Good ol' Tony.

4) Paducah.

5) Upside down. And not like in the Spider-Man movie, if ya catch my drift.

Bonus: See #4.

Polt said...

the last sentenece there had me laughing and coughing around a mouthful of coffee!!! Brillance, sheer brillance!


anatomicsd said...

I definitely understand German so you can practice with me next time.

just me said...

lololol.....still laughing....God, I wish I had been a fly on the wall....lololol.....

Aaron said...

What galls me most about that reviewer is that, not only did she review half the show and post the fucking review, but she actually had the fucking nerve to try to argue with the "woebetide" comment posted afterwards (and very eloquently, I may add), and call it "personal." (Even her editor jumped in with a bunch of whiny self-justifications.)

Why "personal," Monica? Because he disagreed with you? Because he called you out on your unprofessional conduct? Because he dared to criticize the vaunted NewCity?

Pleeeeaaase. It's a free fucking newspaper (and now we see why), with jumped-up critics who all think they're Dorothy Parker.

Go write for the Onion, cupcake--at least they LIKE a good joke (although they probably expect the job to be completely done, so scratch that).

I like the German-role-playing story. People are so lightweight--they want the Cinemax version of every fantasy, where they can go get popcorn before the action really starts. Maybe they should do some research first.

Project Christopher said...

As I started reading the answer to #1 I started thinking "Where the fuck is he going?" then I remembered... that's something you don't ask with regards to Stephen, you just hold on for the ride.

I was in pain trying not to laugh out loud at the bonus. OMG that was so funny! Get into that part baby!

Project Christopher said...

Möchte, dass mein Hahn Ihre Loch Junge?

(yes, I googled the translation, but I'm sure that somewhere there's a true german speaker wondering why I'm asking about putting a chicken in the hole?)

Anonymous said...

Oh Stephen, Stephen. The German story literally made made laugh out loud, so much so that my boss just came over and asked what I was chortling about. Which was somewhat difficult to explain. How is it that I work for a theatre company, and I'm the only homosexual? It makes things far too difficult.

Kevin said...

Oh, Stephen. Ich liebe kartoffelsalat.

All night long.