Friday, February 23, 2007

From General Lee to Jaguar

My father called me a 9:00 a.m. this morning to tell me that he was driving a Jaguar.

Now, let me just say this...

My father has an award hanging in his office boldly announcing to the world that he was chosen above all others to receive the title of...

"Ugliest Redneck of the Year"

...at the in the Year of Our Lord 1993.

All of that is true. For a time, there was an annual GOOD OLE' BOYS ROUNDUP in an undisclosed location in the Smokey Mountains.

They gave out awards like that - - "Ugliest Redneck of the Year.

And people wonder why the South lost the
war.

So, when my father said he was driving a Jaguar, it was a more logical leap for me to envision my father saddled on the back of this...




...than to even entertain the thought that he was driving one of these into the parking lot a beer joint named SCOOTERS

My father calls SCOOTERS a "A Knife and Gun Club."

Because, as he says, "If you don't have a knife or a gun when you go in, they give you one at the door."

All that aside, my father was indeed driving a Jaguar. The car.

Apparently,his car needed some repair work, and his cousin, Herb..

...not a very redneck name, but that his name... maybe we should start calling him "Goober?"

...Herb gave my father a Jaguar as a "loaner" for the day. Hell, he may still be driving it if the repair work on his car took longer than expected.

Ya'll, my father might be driving a Jag all weekend long.

This is the second in a series of signs announcing The Rapture.

Think about it.

1) Britney shaved her head.

2) My father is driving a Jag.



Be aware. Be watchful for the other "signs."

For instance, if Cher actually ends her "Farewell Tour." I meant ENDS IT!!!...

...if hair starts growing on the top of my head...

...if Tyra Banks has one 5 minute period where she doesn't talk about herself...

...or if Patti LuPone starts singing... dare I say it - - CONSONANTS!!!!...

...if those things happen...

...well, in the words of REM, "Its the End of the World as We Know It."

And I gotta tell you - - if the world IS ending soon, I'm gonna be pissed that I bothered with all that recycling. Geez...

3 comments:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Wow! Tell your Dad I said congrats on getting to drive the Jag and the award.

BTW, like it or not I'm putting up a link to your ass on my site. You know what I mean!

Stephen Rader said...

E - Since you actually know my father, didn't you think the same thing I did when you thought of him in a Jag? The thought being something like, "What the fuck?"

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Yes. Yes I did.