Monday, December 29, 2008

"But Whatever the Reason, His Heart or His Shoes..."

You know that great Christopher Durang monologue about a children's theatre production of Peter Pan where everything goes wrong, the crocodile is real, the ropes the actors use to fly through the air keep breaking and Tinkerbell friggin' dies because "Peter" doesn't think that the kids in the audience clapped hard enough to prove that they believed in fairies?

Well, take that idea and apply just a little bit of it to How the Grinch Stole Christmas and you'll have some idea of what my family had to endure during my holiday visit. 

I wasn't a complete Scrooge McAsshole (Was I, Jeff? I hope not), so I wouldn't have stolen an entire city's Christmas gifts, trees, decorations and roast beast. I was more of the "indirect asshole" kind of Grinch. 

Think of me as Eeyore and Debbie Downer's jaded, musical theatre-loving bald, bastard baby. Yeah...

There wasn't really a specific reason, but I was just feeling... not sad, or depressed... just melancholy, I guess. Whatever the Hell that means.

So, bless my family for loving me while I stood outside the circle of Whos with my arms crossed, smirking at and silently mocking their musical "Fah Hoo Forres."

They showered me with great new books, new movies, new collectibles and even new glasses. My first new pair in 9 years.

My new glasses are slightly hip, black and rectangular. I really like them. I mean REALLY like them. I actually wore out in public today. Something I haven't done since the 6th grade. 

That was the year that I received my first pair of specs to go with my new fat ass and pimply complexion, changing my social standing from "faggot" to "fat, pizza-faced, four-eyed fag." 

Since then, wearing glasses makes me feel like I'm that kid again, so today was quite an accomplishment for me and my low self-esteem. We'll see if I make it over the next hurdle and actually allow someone to take a picture of me wearing them.

That said, if I get laid this week while I'm wearing them, I may never take them off. Just sayin'...

Oh, and by the way, Santa knocked the Grinch completely out of me with a little surprise gift that I found in my carry on bag while I was waiting for my return flight to Chicago. After an hour flight delay, I was desperate for something else to read, so I opened up a back section of my bag that I almost never use. I didn't find anything to read, though. Just something to listen to...

Yep, I found the friggin' iPod that I thought had been either lost or stolen on the bus a few months ago. It was in my bag all this time.  

So for the record: One Homosexual + Two iPods = NOT Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.

Sometimes there's God, so quickly. Helping me find what once was lost, while simultaneously using me to prove that obviously, Darwin is wrong.

Note to Java: Since I was more than a little Grinchy, did the holiday spirit hit you? I hope so.

10 comments:

Java said...

Not particularly, no. Although I wasn't quite as much of a pain in the ass as you. ;) I did what I had to do, apologized when it wasn't enough, tried to make amends.

The bright spot was my offering to the Spirits of Christmas Trees. I am pleased with how well that turned out. Take a look over at my blog.

My friends call me Mitzi said...

Let's get you wearing ONLY your glasses and we'll talk ...

Kevin said...

I'm guessing you look adorable in your new glasses and won't have any problems whatsoever.

kbronson said...

Stephen - I'll wear my glasses in public if you'll wear yours! :)

I think my first pair of glasses kinda looked like the one that poor girl is wearing. Only mine were blue thankyouverymuch!

Glad you're back safe and sound.

Project Christopher said...

YOU FOUND YOUR IPOD???? And here several of your followers had offered you ours when all the time you just had too much shit in your purse... and yes, it's a purse, man up and admit it!

and God LOVE you for whipping out such an unrelated and obscure reference as not smarter than a 5th grader! The best part of that is I know it just popped in your head which is why I do love your stand up!

cb said...

I, too got glasses in 6th grade. Along with braces. FUN!

Oh, and I can NOT believe you didn't tear that bag apart three times when you "lost" your iPod all those months ago.

Anatomicsd said...

Couple the Holiday Season with visiting family that you don't get to see as often as you'd like and it's a sure recipe for melancholy. That's part of the reason why I don't go home for Christmas.

Patron Saint of Lost Items...St. Anthony. Even though I'm a recovering Catholic I still pray to him when I've misplaced something. Of course...he always helps me find it in the last place I look...

Gallus said...

I love men in glasses. Grrr

I can't believe you found your iPod. I hate when I do things like that.

Kristie said...

Darlin I love ya, you weren't being a grinch at all, it's always great to see you. Everyone I talked to and saw seemed to be in a funk for Christmas, it's been that kind of year. But today the first day of 2009 we have much to look forward to and better days to come.

See ya next week!

Mark in DE said...

Congrats on finding your iPod!