I chose not to watch any of E!'s Red Carpet coverage at last Sunday's Oscars.
The combination of Giuliana Rancic and Ryan "My ChapStik is Dick Flavored" Seacrest is too much for me to handle if I want to keep from projectile vomiting and screaming "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell" at the two of them on my tv screen.
However, I saw this clip of E's Red Carpet Oscar coverage on this week's episode of The Soup and it proves that all you need for a successful event is a drunken, insanely medicated redneck with no boundaries and even less tact.
This is Gary Busey butting into Seacrest interviewing Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner. Yes, his behavior is bizarre for the Red Carpet, but y'all, after you've watched your mother chase your stepfather around the yard with a butcher knife vowing to "cut your little pecker off, you son of a bitch!," this is nothing.
Let's break this clip down, shall we?
At 0:21 - Jennifer Garner sees Busey coming, grabs Laura Linney and swiftly executes that old bar maneuver of "Girl, there is a total whack job coming toward us, so we need to huddle and act like we're talking about something WAY important and hopefully he'll move on to easier prey." Well done Jennifer, and way to help a gal out, Laura. They're safe. For now.
At 0:24 - Ryan asks Busey, "What did I do?" and Busey replies, "It's what you HAVEN'T done that I'm interested in," which I think means Busey is saying something like, "I told you I'd stop taking the horse tranquilizers and lay off the hooch if you would just come out of the friggin' closet, and here you are showing off your new spray tan and this morning's mani / pedi while trying to convince the world that you like pussy! Come the fuck out already!"
Around 0:30 - Ryan pulls Jennifer and Laura out of their "safe zone huddle" and calls them out on their Busey Avoidance Maneuver by asking them, "What were you talking about?" (Thanks a lot, prick. I guess chivalry really is dead.) Laura refuses to tell Ryan that they were saying, "Busey is FUCKED UP tonight. Don't look him in the eye and he'll go right for Seacrest. Blood in the water." Jennifer cleverly avoids Ryan's question by replying with one of her own. Asking Ryan, "Hey, do you think we could be sisters?" is a total non sequitur and extremely ri-COCK-ulous, but bless her, she got away with it. She might be my new idol.
At 0:56 - Laura wins the title of "My New Celebrity Best Friend" when she asks Ryan, "How are you doing?," which was her way of showing her support for the situation he was in, but the smile on her face while she said it gave the question just a dash of "You are SO fucked and I have a ringside seat!" I love her.
At 0:56 - Ryan says "Don't worry. We got people." To help you take down Gary Busey? What are your "people" going to do, Ryan? Hold him down and do his hair? Come on...
At 1:10 - Busey kisses Laura on the cheek and she handles it with style. Even though the contact high turned her vision green and caused Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit" to start playing in her head. What a trooper!
At 1:12 - Busey is leaving Jennifer alone until uber-prick Ryan says to him, "Do you know Jennifer Garner?" Dude! What the fuck?!? You totally just threw Jennifer under the Gary Busey Crazy Bus. Not cool. At all. Because Gary then overcompensates for not noticing Jennifer seconds before by HUGGING HER, which he then follows up by kissing her cheek! The look in Jennifer's eyes during the kiss is one of sheer terror!
At 1:35 - Ryan is about to ask Jennifer some stupid question about being a super mom and Jennifer counters by saying, "You were going to ask me about being kissed on the neck. On the Red Carpet! By this man!!!," which she follows up with "That was nice" in a tone dripping with so much sarcasm, you can smell it. Jennifer Garner: Callin' Out the Crazy, One Busey at a Time.
At 1:44 - Ryan asks, "Where is Ben right now?" Yeah, like Affleck will remedy the situation. In all things, Ben Affleck is like a huge cock on a total bottom: Occasionally nice to look at, but completely useless and annoying because it doesn't please anyone and it doesn't DO anything.
At 1:48 - Laura saves Jennifer from both Busey and Seacrest by telling Ryan, "I'm stealing her. We have more secrets to tell." Now THAT, people, is the kind of friend you take with you when you're cruising the bars for Mr. You'll Do For The Night. Well played, Laura. Well played.
Around 2:00 - Seth Rogen is inches away from this entire exchange, memorizing all the fucked up-edness of it so that he can write it into his next film. I can't wait.
Thank you, Gary Busey. Not since the days of Joan and Melissa Rivers has the Red Carpet been this much fun, nor this fucked up. I want more of you at these Red Carpet affairs.
Bring Back Busey!