Saturday, March 29, 2008

My Cuss-O-Meter Cuss Rating

Bill in Exile (Cuss Level: 30.3%) and Voenix Rising (Cuss Level 7.5%) introduced me to "The Blog & Website Cuss-O-Meter." I just couldn't resist finding out ARE YOU THERE, BLOG's Cuss Level.

I thought my love of four letter words just might overload and short-circuit the Cuss-O-Meter. Like gaydar at the Tony Awards. Well, almost...

While I didn't overload the Cuss-O-Meter, it's no shock that my "Cuss Level" is high...

...And let me say that if I have offended any of you with my use of blue language, please accept my apology. And lick my sweaty, pendulous ball sac. As a friend...

...but after revealing my "High 35%" level, the Cuss-O-Meter informed me that...

"This is 250% MORE than other
websites who took this test."


Really? I cuss 250% MORE?!? Come on. What other websites took this test?

"EverythingYouWantedToKnowAboutSandiPattyButWereAfraidToAsk.com?"
"Marie Osmond's Doll Blog?" That homophobic "eHarmony?"

Well, it's official. I'm a high level potty mouth. Mama is going to be so proud.

Seriously. No joke. She will be.

I learned the brazen, yet subtle art of cussing from my mother. She's the David Mamet of East TN.

She once told me about a fight she had with my uncle over the phone one day at her office. Surrounded by soft-spoken, Southern, church-going women in all the nearby cubicles, my mother began to verbally tear my uncle a new asshole after he bitchily asked if the reason she was getting so upset with him was because her Prozac hadn't kicked in yet. As he put it...

"Wanda, have you had your PILL today?"

This caused my mother to scream...

"No, I have NOT had my FUCKING PILL, you sorry son of a bitch, but one of these days, they're going to take me off of those pills and I JUST MIGHT KILL YOU!"

As she slammed the phone down, a woman in the cubicle beside her very calmly said...

"My goodness, I've never heard such language."

My mother looked her dead in the eye and shouted...

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
There. You've heard it."

Taking that into consideration, a Cuss Level of "High 35%" seems less dirty and more Debbie Boone, doesn't it?

13 comments:

Bunny said...

That thang said it found no cussing on my blog. Um, okay. I searched my own blog for the f-bomb, the s-word, the a-word, and more and found many many instances of cussing. My aura of sweetness and innocence must have overcome even the blog widget's senses. That's probably it.

Scooter said...

I tried it and found my blog's only cussing came when I was writing about president shrub!

Aaron said...

I just shan't take the test...I'm sure I'll come up 70% and 400% higher than, say, Andrew Dice Clay's blog (if he had one).

Your mama sounds like my mama. After a particularly fierce argument with a relative, the term "asshole/fucker" became frequently uttered around the house (they were interchangeable, I believe--I don't think "asshole" was the adverb. I don't THINK.) :-)

Project Christopher said...

Is that your mom in the picture??? What a hoot! LOVE the hairdo! She's a riot and I've never met her!

Going to "Cuss my Blog" right now! (I envision it like pimping my ride...) Wish me luck!

Palm Springs Savant said...

I knew I always liked your mama..

Stephen said...

Great story! You need to let your mom do some guest posts occasionally! Funniest thing is, I can almost hear the inflections and cadence in my head...maybe I should take some freakn prozac too? Still laughing...

Lance Noe said...

OMG! I WANT TO MAKE BABIES WITH YOUR MOTHER I LOVE HER SO!

Polt said...

I was at 9%....surprised it was so low, actually...

HUGS...

cb said...

I got a whopping 27.5%. I think I need to boost that up some.

Anatomicsd said...

I went to Wabash College, an all-male liberal arts college in Crawfordsville, Indiana.

I actually got a Minor in Profanity...or at least that's what MY mother insists.

michaelvankerckhove said...

Love yer mom. :-)

Michael said...

Mine says:
Around 23.9% of the pages on your website contain cussing.
This is 166% MORE than other websites who took this test.

And goddamnit, I love that Wanda.

Master Aaron said...

I would rather hear Wanda cuss than eat all of the 75% off, leftover Easter candy at The Walgreen's. And yes, I've thought of doing just that. And so have all you other fuckers, so don't smirk.