Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ten Things I Gotta Do Cause I'm Notorious J*O*E's Bitch

It's true. I'll admit it. As of right now, I'm the notorious J*O*E's bitch.

Jealous much?

He tagged me for this meme...

...and will somebody PLEASE tell me what the Hell a "meme" is? Why do we call it that? I just understood why we call them "blogs" a little while ago. I'm slow. I need help..., as his bitch, I must comply and answer these questions. Here are my answers to...

the ten things meme

1. When you were born, how much did you weigh?

I have no clue. Not a one.

I could ask Mama how much I weighed at birth, but on my birthday this year, she kept insisting I was born in '71 and not '70. Finally I had to say...

"Mama, where you there?!?"

So, I may not know my birth weight, but damn if I wasn't a cute little fucker.

You've all seen the picture of me and my mom taken the day I was born, so I'll post this one, which I think is from my first Christmas when I was about 11 months old.

Eleven month olds are this big, right? I don't want anybody thinking I was a Fatty Boombalatty when I was a kid.

I mean, I WAS a Fatty Boombalatty, but I don't want you to KNOW that!!!

2. What's your sugar poison?

The honest answer is, "Any thing with sugar that I can get my hands on."

For awhile, I was partial to Peanut M&M's. And recently, I've had massive binges (without the purge) on those Limited Edition Elvis Peanut Butter & Banana Creme Reese's Cups and those damn Starbucks Penguin Cookies (which, by the way, can be found NOWHERE in the city of Chicago at this time because stupid Starbucks is SOLD OUT OF THEM!!!).

But right now, I'll take anything with sugar. Even sugar. On it's own. Right out of the bag.

Don't judge me.

3. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific.

You give me two options, say "choose one" and then tell me to "be specific"?!? That's more fucked up than my last relationship. Geez...

Between meat and cheese, there really is no choice for a Southerner. It's meat. All the way.

And as Paula Deen says when she's preparing her meals...

"Be sure to really get in there and rub your meat."

Words to live by, eh?

4. What, is your opinion, is the worst song ever?

The first thing that flashed in my mind is that wretched score from WICKED. I don't know it well enough to tell you what song is the worst...

...when forced to see or listen to that show, I break out in green Idina Menzel hives... it ain't prety... I'll just say whatever song from WICKED has the following lyrics...

"Nessa. Oh, Nessa, I've got something to confess-a."

THAT is the worst song ever.

5. Who was your favorite teacher growing up and why?

Hands down, Mrs. Nesbitt. Why? See here and here.

6. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most?

Talking on your cellphone - - LOUDLY - - on the bus or the the train.

I don't need to know what you and your sister are thinking of getting dear old Dad for Christmas and I don't care that your boyfriend would rather watch 'Da Bears on tv than fuck you. He'd probably want to throw you down like a bitch in heat if you would just GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE ONCE IN AWHILE.

And a close second are those people on their cell phones - - talking loudly or quietly - - who insist on continuing their conversation while the clerk at the Walgreen's is scanning their items and trying to complete the transaction or while the waitress is at their table trying to take their order.

Every time I see those people, I want to do that Sarah Jessica Parker shout from that episode of SEX AND THE CITY where the business man on the street bumps into her and just keeps on walking on without saying anything. SJP whips around and screams...

"Oh, you're so busy! YOU'RE SO BUSY!"

7. Ok, there's a $50 bill lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfounded by your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase?

Oh, the selfish purchase. I love that kind of purchase.

I would rush out and buy the Ginch Gonch Bull Rider Brief for $27.

I would buy it for the brief.

And hopefully, for a more revealing picture of this model.

The remaining $23? Lube.

8. Do you have a recurring nightmare? If so, explain.

Yes. I have a recurring nightmare about spiders. Check out the bonus from this TMI Tuesday for the details.

9. Name one place on Earth you've never been, but vow to visit at least once.


Hot boys and even hotter sex.

You have not lived until you've watched German gay porn.

It's a religious experience.

Well... there's a lot getting worshipped, anyway...

10. You notice that question #9 wasn't really a question. You feel smart for catching such a small detail. What else can you do really well that reminds you how smart you are?

I'm not that smart. I just memorize certain things extremely fast. Movie quotes mostly.

To prove that that doesn't mean I'm smart, I'm horrible at remembering names.

And I'm not quite off book for Lyle. And we open on Sunday. Good times.

I rarely if ever pass on these memes, but I think I'd like to make Shirley Heezgay and Doug my bitches for this one. And anyone else who'd like to be my bitch can answer these, too.

Oooo, fun. Now I get to see who wants to be my bitch. Thank you, Joe!


Polt said...

Ah yes, German gay porn...I have had the pleasure of watching it, and have pleasured myself while doing so.

Can't understand a word thier saying, but they sound so forceful, so domineering while they're saying it, it's quite a turnon. And that includes the submissive bottoms!

Berlin...*SIGH*...yeah me too.


Stephen Rader said...

Polt - I see a trip for the two of us to take together... hopefully in the near future!! Those Berlin boys will tear us up! :)

Shirley Heezgay! said...

Oh damn.

Brigitte said...

I would never judge you for eating sugar right out of the bag. Especially since I've been known to dip pats of butter in the sugar bowl, roll them around until they are good and coated and pop those sweet treats in my mouth. As far as I'm concerned, it's one ingredient away from being a crumble topping.

Aaron said...

I love Christmas pictures! I only have an Easter picture from when I was little. Christmas ones are more fun.

Michael said...

Do it, Shirley. Then tag me.....

Michael said...

Do it, Shirley. Then tag me.

Doug said...

I did it, Stephen! Thanks!


the joy said...

Oh you were so cute!!

I'm bad at names too. Even people I know, sometimes I blank out.

When I was a teen I had a dream my brother (in the pic w/me) got attacked by spiders and died in my arms. It creeped me out so much I was actually nice to him for a while after that.

JOE * to * HELL said...

and a FINE bitch you make

thanks for playing

(but not for the supersize version of that pic of me - woah. best seen at a small size......)

Mark in DE said...

Fatty Boobalatty?!?!?! I thought that was a secret pet name between me and my man. Now I find out that OTHERS know of it. I'm feeling... deflated.

Sugar? How about the original Twinkies? Mmmmm...

Mark :-)

David said...

Well sure it looks ridiculous when you put it like that, but the lyrics go... "I've got something to confess, a reason why, well, why I asked you here tonight."

And you try rhyming with Nessa! :-p

Love your blog, you Fatty Boombalatty!

JOE * to * HELL said...

oh by the way ,,,,,

i aint mad at this porn site. nice work bitch!!!!

Shirley Heezgay! said...

Nicely done...

I've posted my own, and anyone here is welcome to consider themselves ...wait for it... Bitch Tagged.

Mark in DE said...

I got tagged by Doug, so if you're interested, check out my meme responses at

Mark :-)

cb said...

Please, will somebody tell me why Ginch Gonch underwear still exists? Andrew Christian I can understand... but GG??

Rob said...

Stephen, I see you were attracted to the kewl silver metalic Christmas tree at 11 mos.....maybe the first sign?? ;) Take care. Love your blog...makes me smile!

Angel ABC said...

Although I'm not commenting on this particular topic, I had to mention that I've been told I'm the topic of Nightspot Kirk's "Is it a crotch or Bea Arthur?" this week. I have to get a copy to confirm ...

Stephen Rader said...

Brigitte - Dear Lord! I love this idea! You are truly a goddess among women! We need to get together with some butter, a huge sugar bowl and watch Paula Deen until we got into sugar comas!!!

Aaron - How cute are you?!?! Adorable!! I love that picture!

Doug - Woohoo!! Can't wait to read your Ten! :)

The Joy - For awhile, huh? Yep, those spider dreams are horrible. I hate mine. Thank the Lord I haven't had one in a long while.

joe*to*hell - Are you kidding? A hottie like you needs to be seen full size. Yum!

Mark - Twinkies. Love 'em. Love twinks, too. Combine the two and it's a weekend.

David - Thanks for the comment! Sure, "Nessa" is a hard word to rhyme, but Sondheim rhymbed "personable" with "coercin' a bull." That makes Schwartz's "confess-a" smell just like it sounds. :) But it's a huge hit, so what the Hell do I know!!!

Shirley Heezgay - I love that you're my bitch. LOVE IT!!!

Mark - I love it! So many Ten to read!!!!

cb - Ginch Gonch exists for those of us who don't prefer to go commando. Nothing like flippity-flappin' inside the leather pants, is there?

rob - If me loving silver metallic trees wasn't didn't inform my parents of my Kinsey Number, the wig I made of tinsel certainly did!

Angel - I looked through my copy and didn't see your name or "Crotch or Bea Arthur" this week. Maybe it was last week. Let me know if you find it. :)

Steven said...

Ditto on #6!!

Stephen Rader said...

Steven - Those loud, obnoxious people on their cell phones should be legal targets for us to unleash our urban rage. I don't mean kill them. I just want to shove their phones where they can't reach.