Monday, December 03, 2007

A Queer Voice on the Queercast

About a week ago, Amy Matheny invited me to stand in for Peter Mavrik on Windy City Queercast's World AIDS Day podcast.

I'm not very much in tune with the world of podcasters. To me, the ultimate Queercast would Lilly Tomlin's Ernestine...

"Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking"

That said, Amy and Peter put together really great shows. If you want to listen to my World AIDS Day podcase with Amy, it's up now. Give it a listen if you feel like it.

I probably won't be listening to it. Why? Well, first of all, I was there, so I know what I said (at least I hope I do...), but the main reason comes down to the fact that I hate the sound of my voice.

My talking voice, that is. I've learned to enjoy my singing voice. A little. However, I'm not one of those singers who wants to listen to the track they just recorded or who hosts parties to show my friends the tape of my star turn as The Leading Player in my college production of PIPPIN.

I'm sure when I'm in my 80's, I'll click on those tracks and pop in those videos of my performances and enjoy them. What I was. What I could do. Hopefully, what I'll still be able to do when I'm 80, but just in case I can't, I'll have proof that at one time, I could.

Sort of like the naked pictures I have of myself at my most ripped. They prove the body I can achieve with a little willpower, a little gym sweat, no carbs and all protein. I look at those pictures and say to myself...

"Damn. I was hot. Pass me the pizza, dear. No, not a 'slice.' The PIZZA! Thank you."

So, although I may be able to occasionally listen to my singing voice, my talking voice is just too painful to hear.

I realize that I don't sound like Barry White to other people, but when I hear my recorded talking voice, it sounds like...

Well, Doug one day said that I sounded just like Kayne from Season Three of PROJECT RUNWAY. And I'm pretty sure he's right. And I hate that, because when my brain hears my recorded voice, it's Kayne's voice, only faggier and with S's that go on for dayssssssssss.

As comfortable as I am with myself as a gay person, something about sounding like a big old sissy puts me right back in the moment when my father screamed at me to...

"Stop walking like a damn girl!"

He forgot that as soon as he said it. It's burned in my mind. I hate it.

Good thing I have a huge cock or my self-confidence would be shattered.

P.S. For the record, I did not play The Leading Player in PIPPIN in college.

I have never played The Leading Player in PIPPIN.

I've played Fastrada 17 times.

The Leading Player? Zero.

Go know...

11 comments:

Doug said...

Dearest Stephen:
You do sound a bit like Kayne, I still maintain that.

But he sounds waaaaaaaay gayer. Truly.

And damn, I hope someone gets you that friggin' Carol Channing doll, or there will be hell to pay.

Girrrl!

Hugs.

Aaron said...

You don't sound any faggier than the rest of us! (OK, bad example...) Your voice is very nice, though.

But understand, because I hate listening to my own voice, too (singing OR talking)...it's like looking at a caricature drawing of myself.

Angel ABC said...

First, while I was not the Leading Player, I was in Pippin in college.

Second, I don't like my recorded voice either, and I have to do quite a bit of audio and camera work with my magazine's "TV" component. (www.cspnet.com)

So every time I look back at my verbal stumbles, blinkies, ticks, and yes, over-acting, I gargle with holy water and move on. It's just like those bad, alcohol-infused decisions, I just forgive myself and keep splashing.

Anonymous said...

Stephen, It is some what of a horrific experience hearing our own voices and thinking do I really sound like that to other people . It's Ok we all do it and people still like us , I compare hearing my own recorded voice to fingernails on a chalk board , I even have trouble recording my voice mail at work without sounding super duper faggy and have to repeatedly rerecord (is that spelled right)as to get a non homo tone to it .

Anyway remember your good enough, smart enough and people (alot of People)Love you for your SUPER BIG COCK !

Love ya Stuart

Catty Bitch said...

I've heard your voice. You're fine sweetheart. At least you don't sing like a woman.

As your job. Like I do!

Embrace it (I mean your super big faggy voice---no! I mean your super big cock--no! I mean the guy next to you.)

Michael said...

You must be black like me to play the Lead Player...... ;)

Stephen Rader said...

Doug - I think I would make my Carol Channing doll lip sync to all of Amy Sedaris' lines in STRANGERS WITH CANDY just because it's ridiculous, yet perfectly fitting. :)

Aaron - Exactly! I sometimes think it might be fun to have one of those sidewalk artists draw my caricature, but I never have it done - - my bruised self-confidence always reminds me that I don't particularly like the way I look and if this guy is exaggerating that, I'll be back in therapy before you can say co-pay.

Angel - You're right. I should be able to accept my fumbles and go on, but listening to my voice or watching myself on video sends me directly into depression. So, why stick my hand in the fire when I know it's going to burn?

Stuart - Recording the outgoing voicemail= Hell On Earth!!! I do it over and over again!! We share that! Thank you for the comment and the kind words. You sound like you've been intimate with "Lil' Stevie" recently. Or you at least know how to carry on a good lie when you hear it! :)

Catty Bitch - I guess embracing who we are for what we are is always a struggle. Just when I thought I really had conquered all of that, I wrote this post. I didn't intend to write anything in this post about me not liking my voice. It just came out. Funny how those little insecurities creep out at the weirdest times.

Michael - In the words of THE JERK, "You mean, I'm going to STAY THIS COLOR?!?"

Mark in DE said...

"Good thing I have a huge cock or my self-confidence would be shattered."

LOL!!! You should win an award for that line.

Mark :-)

Bob said...

Yup - right there with you in hating the sound of your own voice. Mine makes me crawl. Sometimes, when I'm talking in a work setting, I can *hear* by faggy voice and it throws me off.

However, your voice sounds perfectly fine to me!

Also, Baron Cohen as Pirelli DOES sing in the movie. There were so many unfounded rumors floating around about that film (They cut Epiphany/Green Finch, etc), that I've stopped listening to them and am simply seeing it.

Stephen Rader said...

Mark - Thank you! But I think I should win an award for my huge cock! :)

Bob - Thank you. You've sweet. And good to know about SWEENEY. I'm trying not to build up a dis-like for it before I see it, but it's one of my favorite pieces by Sondheim and I guess I'm a little over-protective of it. Plus, I wasn't asked to play Toby, so I'm already pissed.

Kevin said...

Too bad you didn't play Leading Player. I played Pippin.