Tuesday, October 09, 2007

TMI Tuesday

My quick trip back home to Tennessee has me all turned around.

I was so crazed trying to mark off all the tasks on my "To Do List" that I didn't even post any fratboys last Friday.

Sorry if I left you guys hangin'... so to speak...

So, before today passes me by completely, here is this week's TMI Tuesday.

1. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep?

We're talking post-coital, right? Yeah, I guess we are. But if so, the options are a little strange aren't they?

I mean according to this, if you choose to cuddle, then you don't (or won't) fall asleep.

Or if you choose to fall asleep, then no cuddling! You have to stay on your side of the bed and avoid physical contact with the person who just had his tongue in parts of your body that you haven't even seen and aren't too keen on touching.

Or you wash up, but after that, no sleeping or cuddling! Still, if I was "washing up" with either one of these boys, who really gives a damn about sleep, right?

As nice as that sounds, it's the combination of all three that I enjoy.

It's the perfect formula: Hot sex, followed by a hot shower, followed by cuddling under cool sheets. Fall asleep. Wake. Repeat.

2. Have you ever fake orgasms?

Who wrote this question? Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein?

Shouldn't it be, "Have you ever faked orgasms?" And for me, let's refer to it as an "orgasm." Singular. Because I can only have one at a time - - unlike the woman who lives in the apartment above me.

And since I have a penis, "faking an orgasm" for me would consist of a TWISTER-like sexual position, split-second timing and Jergen's Lotion warmed to 98 degrees and shot out of a water pistol that I would pull out from God only knows where.

Have I ever faked an orgasm? No.

3. In any 24 hour period, what is the most number of time you have ever had sex?

What is UP with the sentence structure on these questions this week?!?

I know these are probably just typos, but
don't these questions sound like they were written by "Sidney Wang" in MURDER BY DEATH to you?

Where's Truman Capote as Lionel Twain when we need him? Delivering this killer grammar lesson from the movie...

Sidney Wang: Yes, is confusing.

Lionel Twain: IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Dear Lord, I love that line... What was the question again?...

Oh, yes! My answer to how many times I've had sex in a 24 hour period is - - conservatively - - three.

I say "conservatively" because... well, what I consider "sex" and what a majority of folks consider "sex" is quite different.

To me, if a penis or a vagina is receiving pleasure in any way - - no matter how simple or complex - - that is a sexual act.

But for quite a number of people, a penis has to go into and come out of a below-the-waist orifice SEVERAL TIMES before it "counts" as sex.

And to those who believe that, I say...

"What? The mouth isn't a hole anymore?!?!"

So, since I consider such a wide range of activities "sex," we'll keep my number at three and I'll let you imagine just how much it increases... exponentially...

4. Have you ever had sex or give/received oral sex while you were driving a car?

The drive from Chicago, IL to Knoxville, TN is over 9 hours long.

"Books On Tape" can only get you so far. Does that answer the question?

5. What do you think the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime (so for me a male)?

Do you think most people lie when asked?

Average? I would say... hmmm.... fifty. Maybe more.

Right now, I wish I was helping "raise the average." But I digress...

Why do most people lie when asked? Because everyone seems to want a whore in the bedroom and an angel everywhere else.

But many people don't believe that the two sides can ever exist in one person.

So, they lie about the sex they have or the number or partners they've had, so that other's will believe them to be an angel. And they will look for an angel as a partner.

And as they search for that angel, they will have fantastic sex with many whores in many bedrooms, but they will never believe for a moment that that each one of those whores is also an angel.

And that there's nothing wrong with anyone being both or wanting both.

Because there's nothing wrong with sex.

But people who sleep with whores and marry angels believe somewhere inside of them that sex is dirty and wrong and unclean.

So, they lie and pass themselves off as an angel so that they can marry an angel. And sleep with whores behind the angel's back.

Bonus (as in optional):Can men and women be "just friends?" (Explain)

No. Harry married Sally. Case closed. Nora Ephron has spoken.


Shirley Heezgay said...

since you enjoyed my play by play last week, I thought I'd be consistent:

1. the perfect formula? INDEED.

2. I actually have. I was tired and I saved up a lot of spit. ewwwww.

3. Same. 3. Although I did only once in my life have a Multiple O! He was REALLY big.

4. Uh...we're gay, right? BTW, "books on tape only go so far"--ROFL

5. I NEVER lie. I either stretch the truth, or don't tell enough of it.

Bonus: Only if one of them is gay.

Stephen Rader said...

Shirley Heezgay - I LOVE how you comment on each individual answer I give! You're the best!!

And I'm stealing your "saved up a lot of spit" idea. I would give you credit for it after the fact, but then I would have to admit to whoever it was that I was faking it, which kind of defeats the whole purpose. :)

Also, your answer on the bonus is genius!