Thursday, April 16, 2009

"This Man Should Be in a Straitjacket"

I have an insane, irrational fear of spiders, and only a slightly less powerful fear of every other bug and/or insect on the planet.

Which is odd, since I have vague memories of playing with June Bugs when I was very little...

...My Dad would tie some string to a June Bug's leg, providing me with an awesome flying toy... until the June Bug broke off its own leg to get away from the white trash toddler that I was...

...and I loved collecting lightning bugs as a kid...

...You call them fireflies, I call them lightning bugs... "You call it corn, we call it maize"...

...but when I was still very young, a praying mantis jumped on my shoulder - - and, since I did not know what a praying mantis was, I assumed it was a giant ant - - and as I tried to knock it off my shoulder, it kept swinging back and hitting me in the face.

Ever since that incident, I've been terrified of insects.

So, I can't be blamed for what I said... no, shouted this morning as I was walking to the bus stop.

I was scrolling through the music in my iPod with my left hand when I felt something gently graze the top of my fingers. I looked down and saw something light brown, stick-like and huge on my hand, causing me to shout... no, yell... no, SCREAM...

"Oh, God! Oh, my God!"

...which I immediately followed with...

"Fuck me in the ass!"

Now, I didn't MEAN to put those two thoughts together (especially on the street surrounded by people!!!) and I wasn't asking for the Lord's rod or staff to comfort me.

"Fuck me in the ass!" is something I say all the time and it's a response I give to all sorts of things.

It's also a request. Okay, MOST of the time, it's a request.

But when a bug is crawling on my hand, it's my way of wishing I was in a happier place.

I guess that makes "Fuck me in the ass!" the new "Calgon, take me away!"

14 comments:

Polt said...

I normally say "Fuck me stupid!" And I just heard a friend recently say "fuck me running".

BUt I don't think either of us would say it in response to a bug on our fingers. NOT that it's wrong that you did, or anything....

HUGS>>>

Kevin said...

'fuck me gently, jesus' is a favourite of mine.

i think yours should TOTALLY be the new C,tma!

Mark in DE said...

Yikes! I think I'll stick with Calgon. :-)

Project Christopher said...

so in the end... was it actually a bug? given that "light brown, stick like" could describe... a stick.

Raven said...

I call them Fireflies or lightening bugs, but more often than not, Fireflies. I'm with you on spiders - oh crap I hate them! HATE THEM! But praying mantis' don't bother me, in fact I'm waiting for a sack of eggs to hatch on one of my rose bushes. You must have bigger June bugs than us because ours are tiny and get into everything!

Java said...

My father-in-law is also an east Tennessee boy, and he used to do the June bug on a string thing for my husband.

Praying Mantis bugs creep me out, scorpions creep me out even more. But none of them make me freak or scream (at least not loudly). I laughed at a spider today. It was crawling on a car next to my truck in the parking lot. It surprised me, and I laughed. I can't imagine you doing that. Ever.

yellowdog granny said...

holy shit! is mine..but i know one thing..you'd never make it in texas..we have more creepy crawling critters than all the rest of the states put together..our brown recluse spider will actually eat a hole in you..

Lance Noe said...

I love those commercials. How do you remember those. I had forgotten calgon and had never seen the mazola one but they are brilliant!

GOD LOVE 70'S - early 80'S commericials

Aaron said...

When I was 12, I had to do an insect collection for science class. I caught a praying mantis on my bedroom window sill, but in the process, I accidentally decapitated it. When I tried to pick up the head and claws (they were still attached together), the claws GRABBED MY FINGER!! I made noises kind of like Blanche Hudson after she found the rat on the platter and spun her wheelchair around and around...

I LOVED the Mazola commercial when I was a kid. The Calgon one got on my nerves, but I remembered it!

Oh, and I called them "lightning bugs," too. Still do... :-)

Mike Ellis, The Jolly Reprobate said...

In extreme moments, I let out "Jesus Fucking Christ" which is sometimes not pleasant depending on my surroundings.

I had a Catholic "friend" who used to yell at me that what I was saying was impossible, since they were the same person.

Raechelle said...

1. They will forever be lightning bugs. One reason I love going back to WV in the summers.

2. "For fuck's sake" is a fav of mine. I've been hanging around too many Irish boys (and I feel so naughty typing "fuck" in a comment :-)

3. And my new wish is "Cabernet, take me away." I don't have enough time for a bath anymore, but I have no problem having a glass (or three) of wine in front of the kiddies.

4. Men are especially cute when they're scared of spiders. Maybe it's because I'm not, so I get to feel all heroic when I crush the little buggers.

Ian FInley said...

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain.

And my "right word" when encountering spiders or such is a gently hyphenated "fuck-shit"

cb said...

Ok- you do realize that insects are mostly harmless-- especially the Chicago ones. We need to do an intervention I think.

Oh, and I say "fuck me in half"-- but never in public. Or almost never.

John said...

This entry, and as a pleasant result, this comment thread has had me laughing for about 5 minutes now. :)