I have an insane, irrational fear of spiders, and only a slightly less powerful fear of every other bug and/or insect on the planet.Which is odd, since I have vague memories of playing with June Bugs when I was very little...
...My Dad would tie some string to a June Bug's leg, providing me with an awesome flying toy... until the June Bug broke off its own leg to get away from the white trash toddler that I was...
...and I loved collecting lightning bugs as a kid...
...You call them fireflies, I call them lightning bugs... "You call it corn, we call it maize"...
...but when I was still very young, a praying mantis jumped on my shoulder - - and, since I did not know what a praying mantis was, I assumed it was a giant ant - - and as I tried to knock it off my shoulder, it kept swinging back and hitting me in the face.
Ever since that incident, I've been terrified of insects.
So, I can't be blamed for what I said... no, shouted this morning as I was walking to the bus stop.
I was scrolling through the music in my iPod with my left hand when I felt something gently graze the top of my fingers. I looked down and saw something light brown, stick-like and huge on my hand, causing me to shout... no, yell... no, SCREAM...
"Oh, God! Oh, my God!"...which I immediately followed with...
"Fuck me in the ass!"
Now, I didn't MEAN to put those two thoughts together (especially on the street surrounded by people!!!) and I wasn't asking for the Lord's rod or staff to comfort me.
"Fuck me in the ass!" is something I say all the time and it's a response I give to all sorts of things.
It's also a request. Okay, MOST of the time, it's a request.
But when a bug is crawling on my hand, it's my way of wishing I was in a happier place.
I guess that makes "Fuck me in the ass!" the new "Calgon, take me away!"
11 comments:
Yikes! I think I'll stick with Calgon. :-)
so in the end... was it actually a bug? given that "light brown, stick like" could describe... a stick.
I call them Fireflies or lightening bugs, but more often than not, Fireflies. I'm with you on spiders - oh crap I hate them! HATE THEM! But praying mantis' don't bother me, in fact I'm waiting for a sack of eggs to hatch on one of my rose bushes. You must have bigger June bugs than us because ours are tiny and get into everything!
My father-in-law is also an east Tennessee boy, and he used to do the June bug on a string thing for my husband.
Praying Mantis bugs creep me out, scorpions creep me out even more. But none of them make me freak or scream (at least not loudly). I laughed at a spider today. It was crawling on a car next to my truck in the parking lot. It surprised me, and I laughed. I can't imagine you doing that. Ever.
I love those commercials. How do you remember those. I had forgotten calgon and had never seen the mazola one but they are brilliant!
GOD LOVE 70'S - early 80'S commericials
When I was 12, I had to do an insect collection for science class. I caught a praying mantis on my bedroom window sill, but in the process, I accidentally decapitated it. When I tried to pick up the head and claws (they were still attached together), the claws GRABBED MY FINGER!! I made noises kind of like Blanche Hudson after she found the rat on the platter and spun her wheelchair around and around...
I LOVED the Mazola commercial when I was a kid. The Calgon one got on my nerves, but I remembered it!
Oh, and I called them "lightning bugs," too. Still do... :-)
In extreme moments, I let out "Jesus Fucking Christ" which is sometimes not pleasant depending on my surroundings.
I had a Catholic "friend" who used to yell at me that what I was saying was impossible, since they were the same person.
1. They will forever be lightning bugs. One reason I love going back to WV in the summers.
2. "For fuck's sake" is a fav of mine. I've been hanging around too many Irish boys (and I feel so naughty typing "fuck" in a comment :-)
3. And my new wish is "Cabernet, take me away." I don't have enough time for a bath anymore, but I have no problem having a glass (or three) of wine in front of the kiddies.
4. Men are especially cute when they're scared of spiders. Maybe it's because I'm not, so I get to feel all heroic when I crush the little buggers.
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain.
And my "right word" when encountering spiders or such is a gently hyphenated "fuck-shit"
Ok- you do realize that insects are mostly harmless-- especially the Chicago ones. We need to do an intervention I think.
Oh, and I say "fuck me in half"-- but never in public. Or almost never.
This entry, and as a pleasant result, this comment thread has had me laughing for about 5 minutes now. :)
Post a Comment