"In My Maliciousness, I Find Deliciousness"

My ex-boyfriend tells a brilliant story (Yes, I'm complimenting him - - I told you I was feeling better lately) about standing in line for the TKTS Discount Booth in New York a few years ago.

TKTS, for those of you who don't know your Liza from your Lorna, offers day-of tickets to Broadway and Off-Broadway plays or musicals at up to 50% off.

Most of the shows that offer discounted tickets have been running for quite awhile. So, you might pay TKTS only $40 for your ticket to Man of La Mancha, but instead of seeing the original Broadway cast, the star of the show is now Andy Dick.

And he's playing Aldonza.

Anyway, my ex was standing in line for the TKTS Booth and there were two New York, "Ladies Who Lunch" in front of him, talking to each other as they browsed the list of that day's discounted shows. And when one of them saw that the Lloyd Webber musical By Jeeves was on the list, my ex heard her say...

"'By Jeeves.' A new musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Ugh! I don't think so!"

I couldn't agree more. Which is why, when my great friend Ruth Bonnet ("Everything's better with Ruth Bonnet on it!") sent me this article, I cringed. And felt both Harold Arlen and Judy Garland begin to spin in their graves...

Lloyd Webber Will Pen Songs for New Stage Version of "Wizard of Oz"

"The Daily Mail reports that (Andrew Lloyd Webber) will pen several new songs for a stage version of 'The Wizard of Oz,' based on both the film and the classic L. Frank Baum novel.

"The production, which will retain many of the famed movie songs — including E.Y. Harburg and Harold Arlen's 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow,' 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' and 'If I Only Had a Brain' — will also boast new tunes by Lloyd Webber and lyricist Glen Slater.

"About previous stage versions of 'Wizard of Oz,' Lloyd Webber told the London paper, 'They attempt to do it exactly the same as the movie. That's completely wrong! You've got to think of it as a theatre piece, which just happens to have three or four of the greatest songs of all time.'

"Lyricist Slater also discussed places in the story that could benefit from a new tune. 'It doesn't have an opening number... It doesn't have a song for the witch... It's missing what it needs to become an actual theatrical piece."

Perhaps after Lloyd Webber unveils his new Oz songs, I won't hate Wicked quite so much. I doubt it, but it might happen.

Oh, and by the way Mr. Slater. The Wicked Witch of the West DOES have a song.

In Fred Barton's brilliant and hilarious one-man show, Miss Gulch Returns, Mr. Barton as Miss Almira Gulch (the Wicked Witch's alter ego in black & white Kansas) explains to the audience that the Wicked Witch had a song in the movie, but...

"They cut it. Judy Garland got to sing 'Over the Rainbow,' of course. Somebody was working for her. Academy Award, concert career, cult legend, the whole magilla.
What did I get?

"Of course, I do still have the number that I was supposed to do."

And when no one asks or applauds to hear the song, Miss Gulch says...

"Alright, I'll do it for you."

And then Miss Gulch sings the Wicked Witch of the West's song - - "I'm a Bitch."

Listen to it...

I'm A Bitch - Fred Barton

"I'm a Bitch" is wonderfully funny and the lyrics are completely in the Yip Harburg Oz style. I'll take one song by Fred Barton over the entire score of Wicked and any collection of Andrew Lloyd Webber Oz songs any day.

When will Andrew Lloyd stop writing for the musical stage? Come on, Andrew. I bought Aspects of Love back in 1990. Haven't I suffered enough?