"I'm Tired of People Not Treating Me Like the Gift That I Am"

Last night, I went to Jackhammer a little after 10 o'clock, got loaded on Skyy vodka and Miller Light, and sat in the middle of the room critiquing people. Loudly.

Usually, that kind of a Tuesday ends with me cursing myself for not remembering to wear knee pads, but last night was different. I was paid to drink hard and criticize last night. 

Sure, I was paid with a gift certificate and a dvd, but I've given away a lot more for a lot less in the past.

And I would have done it for nothing. Because last night, I was one of the judges for the Windy City Gay Idol competition at Jackhammer. 

Yep, last night, I was Ms. Paula Abdul.

Windy City Gay Idol is sort of the Chicago gay community's version of American Idol, except for the fact that a gay version of American Idol is an oxymoron. 

Well, there are differences. The Windy City Gay Idol's accompaniment isn't a band. It isn't even live, Memorex or Ella Fitzgerald for that matter. It's all karaoke, all the way. So, instead of a theatre, our competition is held in various gay bars throughout the city. 

And gay bars make any idol MUCH more fun! Especially the gay bar we were in last night, Jackhammer. 

Jackhammer features an area known as "The Hole." Yeah... Exactly...

"The Hole" is precisely why, of all the American Idol judges, I had to be Paula last night!

Sure, Simon has a sharp tongue, Randy has his "It's a little pitchy, dawg" and God only knows what that fake Jan Brady they brought in as a fourth judge can do, but Paula... Paula has the whole game figured out.  

You see, only as Paula do you get to load up on vodka, pick the contestant you want to sleep with (#5 for me last night) and then just talk to your imaginary friend Vicodin until you black out and wake up with #5 in "The Hole." Or better yet, you wake up in #5's... Well, you get the idea...

Unfortunately, I couldn't remember all the words in the "rap" section of "Cold Hearted Snake," so my inner Paula wouldn't come out last night. But...

At the end of the competition, Nick Garrison took the stage as Hedwig from American Theatre Company's production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch and knocked the crowd to the back wall singing "Wig in a Box." 

That wasn't the best part of the evening, though. For me, the best part came when Nick as Hedwig told the audience that he was promoting the show in some of the gay bars in Boystown, and while I think most Chicagoans spell Boystown with an S, Hedwig had this to say about Chicago's gay hood when spelled with a Z...

"Boystown. With a Z. 

It's like 'Liza with a Z.' Only... less."

That made me laugh so hard, I almost forgot about contestant #5. Almost...

P.S. I found out today that my good friend Alanda from It's Coon Time is understudying ATC's production of Hedwig. Congratulations, Alanda!

And just in case she isn't guaranteed any performances, does anybody know Jeff Gillooly's phone number?

P.S.S. As for the title of this post, that's a quote from Paula Abdul. Yep, that's our Paula. Bringing narcissism and self-pity to new levels. One Percocet at a time.