Thursday, March 12, 2009

"Well, I Am Stunned. Just Stunned..."

Love stories. Rick ended his by putting Ilsa on that plane to Lisbon. Katie knew she had finally let go of hers when she happily told Hubbell that his girl was lovely. And in the freezing waters of the ocean, Rose let go of Jack by... well... letting go of Jack and watching him sink out of sight.

...And you know, at the end of the movie, we find out that Rose (who is now John McCain's age) still has that huge-assed diamond Billy Zane gave her. So basically, Kate Winslet can't hold onto Leonardo DiCaprio, a man she loves, has posed nude for and gotten fucked by in the backseat of a car, even though holding onto him will save his life, but doesn't seem to have ANY problem hanging onto a Billy Barty-sized diamond she got FROM ANOTHER MAN! Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger... but...

Jean Grey vaporizes Cyclops. Wolverine stabs Jean Grey. The cycle continues on and on. Even today.

For as you're probably already well aware, today we learned that Levi Johnston has ended his relationship with Bristol Palin.

My reaction was... well... Blanche can explain it better than I can...

Yes, we all saw this coming (a fact that sadly takes all the pleasure out of saying "I told you so."). Everyone knew that Bristol and Levi would never make it. "It" being the end result of two people who have spent decades together, loving each other, creating a family, supporting each other and not coming anywhere close to breaking their marriage vows.

So actually, today's news was slightly shocking. I mean, not only did Bristol and Levi NOT make it to the end of a decades-long marriage filled with unconditional love and mutual respect, they couldn't even get their asses to the starting line!

Not that I think they should have gotten married and not that the two of them didn't try to make their relationship work. "Sex on Skates" (a.k.a. "Levi," who, I must admit, cleaned up so well for the RNC, I very much wanted to touch his balls... as a friend...) stayed with Bristol during her pregnancy and for the birth of their child. He even has her name tattooed on his ring finger.

But when faced with the very real terror of marrying into the Palin family, for Levi, love means never having to say, "I do."

Still, I'm confused about one thing.

When a young man backs out of a shotgun wedding in Wasilla, Alaska, does the mother of the jilted bride hunt him down on land, or does she do that moose-hunting helicopter trick and pop a cap in his ass while airborne?

P.S. Speaking Palin, Bill Maher had this to say in Real Time's New Rules last Friday...

"Ronald Reagan used to say the nine most terrifying words in the English language were 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

"But that was before 'I'm Sarah Palin, now show me the launch codes.'"

It's funny (and terrifying) because it's true.


Aaron said...

"but doesn't seem to have ANY problem hanging onto a Billy Barty-sized diamond she got FROM ANOTHER MAN!"

And then THROWS the fucking thing into the ocean at the end. Never mind that she could SELL it and give the proceeds to her heirs. Selfish old bitch. (God, I hated that movie!)

I think being in Sarah Palin's family would be a punishment nobody deserves. Not even that dumb-faced, mouth-full-o-chaw Levi dope.

Prospero said...

Events like this are exactly what the Germans invented the word "schadenfreude" for...

Mike said...

Mama Palin isn't going to moose-cap his ass. But I would't be surprised if poor hot Levi ends up framed for drug charges by the Alaska State police before she leaves office.

The Promiscuous Reader said...

I've never watched the Golden Girls. My reaction to the shocking news was more like this.

Project Christopher said...

Stephen, I often get to your blog after you've had a day of marathon opinion dumping on your blog (aka, in 24 hours you've managed to share information the length of a Bible). Since I know the delicate fabric that weaves your life, I know your posts tell your story so you can't start at "Now" and go backwards, you have to scroll back to the place you left the theater and work your way forward. While I was quickly scrolling down I could only muster "what the hell" in wondering how your train of thought would include Kate Winslet, Blanche Deveraux, the baby makers and the family photo of Guntar Laarsnbregggnnsstarf.
Impressive, if wildly tangential train of thought! I'm proud!

BIG shout out and thanks to Promiscuous Reader. I have watched that groundhog video at least 10 times and giggle my ass off every time!