Friday, March 13, 2009

Fratboy Friday

It's only days away, so why not a St. Patrick's Day edition of Fratboy Friday...


St. Patrick's Day is one of the few days of the year when people actually wear hats (cheap, plastic, novelty hats, that they occasionally throw up in, but still, hats are worn).

 And like the t-shirts, the beer, the food and everything that comes afterwards 
(to put it mildly), all the hats are green.

That's why, if I saw the guy on the left, I would want to blow him. And I would walk up to him and tell him that I wanted to blow him. Because I admired his bold color choice. And I would blow him. Simply because he wore a $4, yellow hat on St. Patrick's Day. 

So many of the reasons that I'm still single, they're all right there in that paragraph. I mean, does anybody else offer a "Wear a Yellow Hat and Get a Free Blowjob" special? Who's going to buy this cow when they can wear a yellow hat and get a blowjob for free? 



This is how St. Patrick's Day is celebrated at a Chicago Bulls game by the Chicago Bulls Matadors. I love these guys! And this, my friends, is a Chicago sagger!

Also, I love the green, Hulk nipples. Just don't make him angry. 
You wouldn't like his nipples when he's angry. 



Most people describe the fratboy butts that I post as "cute," "muscled, " "tight," "hot," and "Here, have a seat... on my face," but these guys... well... 

These butts are more real. In your 20's, gravity doesn't even affect you. So, it's a shock when your ass goes from "hot" to "Jello mold" during your 30th birthday party. You don't know what to do after that.

Which is why I believe the message of the picture above is that, even if you know you're going to get drunk on St. Patrick's Day, that doesn't mean you have to show your ass in public. 
Keep it in your pants. Which brings me to... 



Before you celebrate on Tuesday night, don't forget to wear your sparkly, St. Patrick's Day beer goggles. You'll need them when your drunken self scores a St. Paddy's Day trick.

 Because, when it comes to the one-night stand your drunk ass will meet in a dark bar, kiss for the first time beside a green river, and later have sex with while they continue to wear a plastic, felt-covered St. Pat's hat with the matching green sideburns attached, do you want your eyes to tell you the truth?

(The truth is that you're fucking a 2, and even if you fuck a 2 five times, it still won't make them a 10!!! That's the truth. And you can't handle the truth!!!), 

You'd rather have your eyes lie to you, right?

 (Meaning that your eyes will see a 2, show your mind a 10 and then remind your mind that, if you drink one more green beer, with this knob, that 10 can go all the way up to 11).

Sure, you'll regret it Wednesday morning and you might spend the afternoon giving a chemical peel to the inside of your mouth, but in the middle of it all, you can look at this guy...

...and if you're wearing the green beer goggles, you'll see this guy...

(FYI: What you're looking at is not at 11, yet. But when those boxers come off, it's an 11 alright. And then some...)

So, wear the beer goggles. But the next day, try not to think about where your tongue has been. 
Just keep gargling and flossing. That taste will go away eventually.


james said...

saturday night i worked (downtown in a safe office building) until midnight. i drove and paid for parking downtown because i didn't want to deal with the drunks on the train (that's going to be a new samuel l. jackson movie, don't cha know -- "Drunks on a Train.") anyway, i also was afraid to take the xpressway or lake shore drive home so i took orleans to halsted to clark street (of course avoiding clark street until i was north of wrigley field).

oh, the mayhem i saw. the funniest thing was outside of the Hidden Shamrock (insert joke here) i saw a group of about five boys and girls who could not have been more than 23 years old and one guy, a skinny thing in a green shirt and green and orange and white cardigan sweater (he actually put some thought into the outfit before he got plastered) was hardly able to stand up, the two girls were shouting into their cell phones, and because i just had to look 'there,' i saw he had a nice pee stain on his khakis. I just laughed and drove on. Good times!

Ernie Gonzalez said...

LOL, love the St. Paddy's day twist!