I really shouldn't say why he's in L.A., but perhaps you'll figure the "why" out when I tell you that the man he is visiting and staying with has a last name for his first name. You know, like Anderson Cooper. So, you know he comes from money. And he has money. And grey hair. Possibly.
I haven't seen Mr. L.A.'s picture, but Jeff told me his friend plays water polo. He's staying with a rich, water polo player. So, basically...
"Cross Country Booty Call, your table is now available.
Cross Country Booty Call..."
And you know what? "'Atta girl!" I'm happy for him. But last night, this rich, gay water polo player took my brother to a real, honest-to-God Hollywood party. I defrosted my freezer last night. It's apples and oranges, basically.
I got to hear all about Jeff's first Hollywood party, though. Via text message. The first one said...
"hey! we are going to a party at marc cherry's house!!!!"
I guess the hours I had spent scraping away the miniature ice planet of Hoth in my kitchen caused my brain to go numb. I saw Jeff's text and thought...
"Jeff, you don't attend a neighborhood party in the middle of an out-of-town booty call. Especially if you paid your own air fare. Out-of-town booty calls are for hittin' it and gettin' it, over and over. It's sort of like devouring 11 or 12 full plates of food at an All-U-Can-Eat buffet to make sure you get your money's worth.
"But, I guess going to a party with his water polo teammates would be fun. Who is this Marc Cherry guy? Is he a water polo star athlete or something? I'll be he's hot...
"It would be kind of funny to sleep with a guy named Marc Cherry. If you were the top, I mean. And he was a virgin. You could go around telling people, 'I popped Marc Cherry's...'
"HOLY FUCKBALLS! That's why I know that name! Marc Cherry is the creator / producer / writer for Desperate Housewives.
"I don't know him through sex,
I know him through Brie Van de Kamp Hodge!!!"
I immediately sent Jeff a text congratulating him.
Then, I asked him to tell Mr. Cherry that I love how the title of almost every episode of Desperate Housewives comes from a Stephen Sondheim song or, more recently, a Sondheim lyric phrase.
For instance, the episode after the pilot is named "Ah, But Underneath," which is the name of a song Sondheim wrote for the 1987 London production of Follies.
How do I know all of this? I'm gay... I live alone... It's complicated...
Jeff told Mark Cherry that I loved his Sondheim titles. And Mark said he was glad that I enjoyed his use of Sondheim.
Or as the Wicked Stepsisters in Sondheim's Into the Woods sing, "We're so happy you're so happy."
I love that Jeff actually told him. But I really love the text Jeff sent to me 20 or 30 minutes after he had arrived at his first Hollywood party...
"remember when laverne and shirley went to shotz manor? that's me."
I replied with my favorite bit of dialogue from that episode, the pilot episode of Laverne & Shirley...
Rich, Society Woman: "Well, I never..."
Shirley: "It shows, honey."
And Jeff, since Marc Cherry started out as Dixie Carter's personal assistant, you are now 2 degrees away from Dixie Carter!!! That's amazing!
Me? Well, I almost have the freezer defrosted. Almost... That's something, I guess...