Saturday, March 07, 2009

"Watch It Wiggle, See It Jiggle..."

Zack Snyder's film version of Watchmen is an incredible accomplishment. He remained incredibly true to the 12 issue comic book written by Alan Moore

So true, it caused me to jump, gasp and then poke Philip several times throughout the film, as Dave Gibbons' comic panels came to life on the screen - - iconic images from the graphic novel were brilliantly chosen for the movie's storyboard, which sounds like an obvious choice... but...

Apparently, director Paul Greengrass was in pre-production for his version of Watchmen in 2005 and in his version, the time was moved up to present day and the Cold War was changed to the "war on terror." So, I imagine making a movie that stays true to the source material's art might not have been high on Mr. Greengrass' priority list.

Zack Snyder obviously loves the graphic novel and his direction deserves high praise. His cuts are smart, he condenses the story well, and - - believe it or not - - his changes, especially the ending, make the story better. 

(And to you die hard fanboys enraged by my saying that, I've got one word for you - - "squid." A.k.a. "deus ex what the fuck?!?" You wouldn't prefer the squid, would you? Really? I mean... really?)

One thing, however, did not make sense. One thing frustrated me. Almost infuriated me. 

Not on the screen, but in the audience.

Dr. Manhattan, in the graphic novel and in the movie, is naked throughout most of the story. Granted, some people might be a little shocked at seeing a blue, flaccid penis in a comic book movie, so the first time it's shown, I'll give everyone a pass... But...

Every time Dr. Manhattan's blue penis was seen on the screen (and mind you, these are NOT closeups), I could hear a few guys giggling, snickering and laughing.

Why?

I mean it. Why did they laugh that fucked up, frat boy laugh that seems to say, "Day-um, bro! I don't want to be seeing this"?

1) Immaturity? It's an R rated movie, so these weren't elementary school children. Why do grown men giggle at the sight of another man's "wee-wee"? It was like someone dropped their pants at "Show and Tell" with these guys.

2) Shock? Each one of these guys has a penis, right? It's not as if they saw some ridiculous, anaconda-like, piece of flesh hanging between another guys' legs for the first time and thought, "What the Hell IS THAT THING?!?" So, what's so damn funny about seeing a body part that you have on your very own body? 

3) Awe? Were they dumbstruck by this particular penis' gigantic size? Nope. I mean, call me a size queen, but Dr. Manhattan's penis wasn't too big or too small, it was just right. (Besides, when I see a gigantic penis, I don't laugh. I might beg a little - - or a lot - - but I don't laugh)

3) Smurfiness? Yes, it's a blue penis, but that can't be what's making these guys laugh, can it? I've seen hundreds of penises of different shapes, sizes and yes, colors and not one of them caused me to giggle when I first looked at it. (Because that would be rude and frankly, miniatures don't make me laugh)

So, if these guys are penis-swinging grown men who don't laugh at The Smurfs, then I guess the giggles come from nervous laughter. Yep, that's right... I'm sayin' it...

Maybe, deep down, they want to touch, suck, lick or "take in" someone else's penis (blue or otherwise) and they can't allow that. Beause they're not gay. So, they laugh out loud.  Because they assume that's what straight guys do. 

I know, I know... It's far fetched to say that any guy who laughs over and over again at Dr. Manhattan's penis is gay, but it does make me ask the same question that popped into my head after the "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl a few years ago.

If seeing one nipple causes national chaos and seeing one penis causes grade school laughter, my question is... 

When are we Americans going to grow the fuck up?

15 comments:

Steve said...

In a word--insecurity. Sheer, unadulterated insecurity.

Let me tell you, size queen (and yup, I think it's so!)--to paraphrase Jon Stewart, that guy was swinging some major blue pipe!

BTW--I have never read the original graphic novel, let alone picked up a comic book in my life. I had absolutely no preconceived notion of what the movie shold be. And I LOVED it!!! And I now want my to be just as big--and if it's blue, then so be it!

Prospero said...

Same reaction from immature young men here on the East Coast. They even giggled at Patrick Wilson's gorgeous ass. Turds.

And I agree - the movie rocked. I'm off to post my own review right now.

Polt said...

It wasn't giggles here, just kinda heavy sighs, like "Oh GOD...not again", coming from the immature frat boys.

I don't know that the ending made it 'better', but I don't think it made it any worse. The squid, as it's called, didn't bother me so much, really. But there's not way they could incorporate all that in a movie unless it was like 5 hours long.

Despite the changes, it was pretty damn faithful to the movie. And a pretty damn good one too.

Of the 6 people who saw it so far that I know of, only 1 did not like. All the others loved it.

HUGS...

Polt said...

Oh...and how lucky were YOU that you got to poke Philip like that...in a crowded theater with a great movie playing, granted. but still... :)

HUGS...

Java said...

I reached the same conclusion. I think they're closet cases.

As for the Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction" I think it was a slow news week. And/or the straight boys can't contain themselves and have to giggle and ogle over a split second of star-studded nipple.

On the bright side, we got a really good phrase out of that one. Wardrobe malfunction is one of my favorite euphemisms.

tattooedraven said...

LOVED IT! Dude, so loved it. Just got home from seeing it. I started reading the... book? Didn't finish before the movie but that's okay, I still enjoyed it!

Although the first real look at Dr. Manhattan in all his blue glory - and what glory it was - it was absolutely quiet in the theater except for one woman who couldn't stop saying...

Oh my... ohhhhhh my.... OHHHH MY!

Mike Ellis, The Jolly Reprobate said...

I bet it was the colour. Guys that immature are probably only used to the balls being blue.

just me said...

I don't know if its true for gay guys, but I seriously believe straight guys live with a perpetual hard-on. I mean, some of these guys get a boner when their Grandma bends over! So, I'm thinking you might be right the first time, and, these guys, not having the knowledge that its ok to be sexually stimulated by someone of the opposite sex, get freaking scared. For no reason at all....

yellowdog granny said...

there is something about connecting the 2 words flaccid and penis together that makes me giggle..sorry!
I watched saving sarah marshall last night and have to admit i had a little jolt with the full frontal even if only a few seconds of the dude...and all i have to say is..it's about fucking time.

whimsical brainpan said...

"When are we Americans going to grow the fuck up?"

My guess is never.

Prospero said...

A gay acquaintance of mine thinks the movie has a hidden homophobic agenda because of the murder of the lesbian characters. I tried telling him he took it completely out of context and misinterpreted Moore's intentions. Your thoughts?

Just Kevin... said...

I didn't hear any blue penis giggles at the west coast showing but then maybe I couldn't hear it over the heavy breathing next to me. I thought the homophobic undercurrent with the murdered lesbians was pretty obvious. Aren't movie lesbians generally one of three things? Horny women just waiting for the right...um...man or sociopathic murderers or half naked or naked victims of violence?

dirkmancuso said...

Personally, I would have went with the squid (because I am a purist and because I felt that if Dr.Manhattan had been seen as the cause, it might have caused the rest of the world to wipe us out before we could develop another super weapon).

Other than that, I thought Zach Snyder did an amazing job (although I do question the choice of Malin Ackerman as the Silk Spectre II -- she was dead on visually, but then she'd open her mouth...)

And oh, Jeffrey Dean Morgan -- what you do to this gay boy...

cb said...

yeah, there was a woman behind us who "mmmmmm"d each time it was onscreen.

Question: since you were thrilled by the exactness of the novel to the screen, did it bother you when the director did odd things like having Rorschach take a meat cleaver to the guys head?? I mean-- why?

Project Christopher said...

Stephen, perhaps we need to sit and do some Q&A so I can better take in this movie. I saw it and the best I can muster is "The costumes were interesting"
Fanboys... back down.... I'm not crapping on the film. Everyone has their favorites and I don't dog it as an attraction as I hope no one dogs me when Star Trek comes out. But I've never read it and it didn't explain some basics I kept wondering. I thought the opening sequence was great and explained that the Minutemen - Watchmen were an ongoing group. Why they fell out of favor with the public was a bit of a mystery, but that's OK, I understood that it was what it was.
Squid? There was a squid? Would that have been as believable as the blue guy going "Oh well, if you think blaming me for millions of people's deaths is better than exposing the truth... well, OK. I'll just be over here making my friend Rorshach blow into a bloody pulp"