Wednesday, March 11, 2009

"Anything But Tranquilizing, Right On Maude!"

My cold got a little worse. Last night, I coughed so hard, so often and so loudly that my lungs actually hurt from being shaken by all the vibrations.

It felt like I had Patti LuPone's vibrato and Ethel Merman's "money note" together in each cough. Machine gun stacatto and "hit back row of the Schubert" VOLUME (...for me, For Me, FOR ME!...), both adding to the pain in my throat.

I tried to keep my lips puckered and cough slightly off-pitch so that I could sound like Bernadette Peters as well, but I was just too sick to backphrase each one of my coughs last night.

And I was just too sick to drag my hacking butt to work today. So, I stayed home and when the chills hit my body, I knocked myself out with Tylenol PM. I loved it. I remained alive, but unconscious until my fever broke earlier this evening. I'm feeling much better now.

I still sound like Brenda Vaccaro doing a Playtex commercial, though.

In the morning, if I sound more like Bea Arthur singing The Man in the Moon from Mame, will that mean I'm getting better or worse? Yeah, probably worse. But you know, a cold that turns you into Bea Arthur might not be such a bad thing if you think about it...

Pursuing relationships only with men named Walter...

Wearing muumuus & kaftans 24/7...

Showing everyone pictures of my daughter, Carol and when Rue McClanahan tells me that my daughter Carol is really Adrienne Barbeau, bitchily replying, "God will get you for that, Vivian..."

I sincerely hope my fever is back. I sound batshit crazy...

8 comments:

kbronson said...

I hope you're feeling better today! Shall I bring you some chicken soup???

Polt said...

A gay man in theater uses grand dames to describe his coughs and wants to be Maude?

Crazy? Nah, sounds to me like an average day with Stephen. :)

Hope you feel better soon, sweetie.

HUGS...

Project Christopher said...

not that there was ever a doubt... but just in case you ever wondered if you were truly gay.....

you had me at "It felt like I had Patti LuPone's vibrato and Ethel Merman's "money note" together in each cough."

Avenjer said...

Mmmm, with a sexy voice like that, you should make a new voicemail greeting. ---"Hi, this is gay Rorschach. Tonight, I'M not having sex with YOU. YOU'RE having sex with ME." lol. Feel better Stephen.

Aaron said...

I hope you feel better really soon!! BTW, I LOVE that Hirschfeld drawing of Maude and Walter (that IS Hirschfeld, right?). He even got the way her shirt collar pops out over the vest!

Stephen Rader said...

Karen, Polt & Chris - Thanks guys. I'm feeling better today. Raspy but better.

Avenjer - I LOVE your turn on my favorite Rorschach quote! That definitely made me feel better!

Aaron - Yep, that's a Hirschfeld alright! I love his work. Want to try and find the "Nina" hidden somewhere in Maude and/or Walter? (Oooo... That sounds dirty...) :)

Java said...

I dunno, hon, that batshit crazy sounds about normal from here.

Hope that cough clears up quickly. You might have sore chest and ab muscles for a day or two.

If you sound like Bea Arthur, by all means get a recording of that. A voice mail greeting would sound awesome in a Bea Arthur voice.

Kevin said...

I had what you had, and no, you didn't catch it from me. Glad you are starting to feel better.

On a different note, I'm assuming you've heard the NINA song written about the Hirschfeld drawings?