1. Are your farts: a. Silent but deadly; b. All sound, no fury; c. Loud and stinky
The only honest answer is "All of the Above" - - unless of course I can add to the possible answers "A Warning Sign That the Hamster is Trying to Escape" - - because farts are subjective. One man's rotten asparagus soaked in sour milk is another man's Drakkar Noir.
Bette Midler says it best in one of her Soph jokes...
"My boyfriend Ernie was suffering from silent gas emissions. I sent him to the doctor. He said...
"'Doc, you gotta help me. I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. Last night at the opera, I had ten silent gas emissions, this morning at breakfast, I had two silent gas emissions and sitting here in this office, I've had FIVE silent gas emissions. What the hell am I going to do?'
"The doctor said...
'"Well, first we're going to check your hearing'"
(Sidenote: If it isn't immediately apparent that I'm joking about keeping a hamster inside my personal "Richard Gere Roadway," then you must think I'm a dirty, dirty boy. Thank you!)
2. Have you ever farted in front of a lover? Who was the 1st one to do it? How did they or you handle it.
In all the sex I have had, I have seen things go into and come out of the backsides of so many boys that I am compelled to either grin, shudder or become incredibly horny at a baseball game, in a hardware store or when I walk past a traffic cone.
So you see, with all that going on, farts don't necessarily embarrass or bother me. Besides, if you can't fart in front of me, how in the Hell will you be able to pee on me when I beg for it?
3. Have you ever farted and tried to blame someone else? Who and did you get away with it?
Blaming someone else for your fart. Mature. Classy.
You know who does this? 5 year olds and our current President.
And unlike our current President, the 5 year olds don't get away with it.
4. What food triggers you?
What food triggers me to fart? Beans and cheese, baby. Which is why I try to avoid going on dates in Mexican restaurants.
What food triggers me to... do something else? Well, asparagus works in the opposite direction, if you understand my meaning.
5. Varts (Vaginal Farts) Scary, or an indication of a good time being had by all?
Since I haven't had a vagina since a vagina had me, please refer to Question #2 for my answer.
Bonus (as in optional): When you do fart with someone in your bed, do you cover their head with the sheet and hold them under?
No. Well, if I find out that I'm on a date with a Republican during the date, I load up on the beans and cheese, bring him home, into my bedroom and then I tuck the covers in nice and tight before sliding into bed and doing to him what George W. has been doing to the country, the economy and gas prices for the past 8 years.