1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
What's this "my Significant Other" crap? Oh, you're talking about my cock.
I've heard "Big" and "Huge" and "Oh, My God, It's Like a Fat Baby's Arm" but never "Significant." That's a new one. Thank you!
Hmmm... The first man that popped into my head was Shane Rollins, the porn star that I watched on Pride Day...
...not in the Pride Parade, on the tv in the backroom of The Cell Block...
...but someone anonymously commented on my post about this year's Pride Parade that Shane "got married, made a baby and retired."
Shane, say it isn't so!
Maybe it's the effect of the Barbara Cook concert last night...
...Which was INCREDIBLE, by the way, except for the presence of my ex, "The Skank" in the audience. When is that doctor in the burbs going to fulfill that contract I made with him and put that pufferfish poison to good use?!?...
...but Shane, with regards to your alleged marriage, child and the end of your porn career, I feel the need to quote Sondheim to you. Shane... baby...
"You said you loved me
Or were you just being kind
Or am I losing my mind?"
Or were you just being kind
Or am I losing my mind?"
Yeah, I know the answer. I'm losing my mind. Lost it long ago. But still, I want me more of that Rollins boy.
2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
I've said this so many times in TMI Tuesday answers that it's probably obvious, but I am a SEVERE glutton for Cold Stone Creamery Cake Batter Ice Cream.
Mixed with Oreos and graham cracker pie crust. In a plain waffle bowl.
"Love It" size. Not "Gotta Have It" size. I don't want to get too carried away.
3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
More money. Aren't we all?
I want more money so that I won't have to work, I can travel when I want, visit family and friends when I want, pursue all the artistic dreams that I have and give all my loved ones everything their hearts desire.
With that definition of greedy, greed IS good. Right Gordon?
4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Let's just say that I spent one of my days during this past holiday weekend with a certain sexy gentleman and one of the words you could use to describe our time together was "slothful."
Lazyin' about nekkid all day long and up to no good. Ain't nothin' better than that.
5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
Oh, why not. I'll tell it.
When I was with my ex, "The Skank," I found out rather haphazardly that he was hooking up with random strangers from online chat sites and letting them come into his apartment where they would find him blindfolded, face down, ass up in his bed. He would then let them fuck him without a condom so that they could shoot their loads deep inside of him.
Now, when we first started dating, I said to him that I wanted to keep our relationship open so that we could both have sex with other people as long as we were both safe and we both were honest about what we had done and who we had done it with. He raged against this and said that he wanted monogamy or nothing else. The very next day, he changed his mind and said to me, "I'm not going to sleep around, but if you want to, that's fine, I just never want to hear about it."
I stupidly allowed those to be the ground rules for this new relationship.
So, when I found out that, not only was he sleeping around, but he was also being so unsafe that he was practically asking for HIV to come into his body and set up shop, I was furious.
I created a new online profile, found him online one day and we started chatting. He had no idea it was me and it didn't take long at all for him to invite me over to shoot my load up his ass.
I drove over to his apartment and was buzzed in. I found him blindfolded, face down, ass up in his bed and I did what all the others had done. I fucked him and shot my load inside of him.
Then I left his apartment, got into my car and called him on my cell phone.
When he answered, I said, "Hey baby. Was that good for you?"
That's all it took for him to realize that I was the guy who had just fucked him. He became hysterical, crying uncontrollably. How's that for "Wrathful Can of Whoop Ass?"
Idiot that I am, however, I continued to date the motherfucker for many, many more months.
Where IS that guy with the pufferfish poison?!?
6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
Couples. I honestly envy two people in love.
Because I really want to find "Him." I'm ready for "Him."
7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
"Swallow my pride" is such a funny phrase to me. Something about "Gay Pride" and "Swallowing" just makes me giggle.
I guess I learned to swallow my pride years ago when I took a new job with a considerable pay cut that brought my annual income to just above poverty level. No exaggeration.
Before that, I never, ever said yes when someone offered to buy me a drink in a bar. Not to friends, not to future "Mr. Right Now's," nobody. But something about not having any money helped me realize that when people give to others, they give because they want to give. Because they enjoy giving. Even something as simple as a cocktail.
And learning to swallow your pride (again, I'm giggling) and accept another person's gift, with full appreciation for the giving, is part of growing up.
It was part of my growing up, anyway