Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Shade

In the South, we are taught at a very young age that language is our friend.

It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Especially insults. Shade is everything.

When talking to your wicked stepmother, you could easily say, "You look fat!" But that will just start a fight and 9 times out of 10, she'll pile drive you to the floor and plop her gigantic ass onto your chest and your face. And if there's a pizza in the room, she'll forget you're down there. What a way to go, huh?

It's much better to say to her...
"You know, that dress looks so good on someone your size."

You see? In that one sentence, you have bitchiness wrapped in truth and covered in 3/4's of a compliment. That's what I call "polite conversation."

Which is why in the current war of words between Barbara Walters and Star Jones, I think that the winner, believe it or not, is Fox News.

This is the first sentence of Fox News' report on the Barbara / Star brawl...

"Former 'View' co-host Star Jones has weighed in on Barbara Walters' claim that she 'lied' for Jones about her much publicized weight loss."

It may not be overtly funny to you, but I laughed out loud when I read that.

What's better than Barbara talking about Star's weight loss and saying "Well, we knew it wasn't portion control and Pilates"? What's better than Star saying that Barbara is "in the sunset of her life..."?

A writer at Fox News innocently beginning the story by saying "Star Jones has weighed in..."

Not too bitchy, not too catty. It's just right...

9 comments:

Scooter said...

OMG, what happened to her face??? It's like her make-up is Krylon. Looks like they did her last lypo with a Dyson, too!

Bunny said...

weighed in - LOL!

Project Christopher said...

AMEN! See, northerners (read, mostly New Yorkers) seem to be proud of their rudeness. You go ahead and taut your strengths, I applaud you! However, how easy is it to just blurt out the truth, and how artistic is it to take that truth and craft a beautiful light gauze of sugar around it and have them say thank you for the insult!

Aaron said...

I knew they were getting down and muddy when Barbara made the "portion control and Pilates" remark. I'm not a big Bobba Wowwa fan, but she takes the tiara on this one. Star Jones is a freaky bitch of a human being and every one knows it now...even her gay soon-to-be-ex-husband.

cb said...

Yes, I realize the genteel south is all about nuance. But it extends so much into everything that it gets infuriating.

Like dating.

If you want to date, say so. If not, say so. But southerners will beat around that bush for days on end!

I think directness is a good thing most of the time.

Aaron said...

"But southerners will beat around that bush for days on end!"

Especially the lesbians!

*shutting up now*

Mark in DE said...

YES! I love the wasy southerners will use a compliment to bust your balls.

Once I had to stifle a laugh when a drunk man in a bar was bragging about all the celebrities he hangs with, and Spouse replied with something short of enthusiasm "Really? How nice for you."

Mark :-)

Doug said...

I'm so done with the catty, "mean girls," high school behavior of these women. The show has become a crashing bore... give Joy Behar her own show and be done with the others.

Starr-- yikes. Skeletoreesha is more like it.

Meh. Enough.

just me said...

The art of southern speak. It truly is a gift, isn't it? My mother even used it on me. "Don't worry, you'll take the eyes of a real man..." Evidently real men didn't notice.