Wednesday, February 27, 2008

TMI Tuesday

At work yesterday, I was getting out of my chair here at SOC and I realized I hadn't hit "send" on an email, so I turned my body in a certain way that it had not been turned since the Senior Prom and the next thing I knew, the left side of my lower back felt like it had been ripped in two.

Sidenote One: I can do the "legs over my shoulders" thing but it's the "scissor position with twist" that obviously screwed me up.

Sidenote Two: The Google image search I did for "back trouble" presented me with the pic to the right. It has nothing to do with me throwing my back out, but I just HAD to include it here. What happens in Eastern Europe, STAYS in Eastern Europe.

So, I was down for the count most of the day, went home after work and could barely move enough to put myself flat on my back in my bed to watch all of Justice League: The New Frontier.

(Which, by the way, rocked... except for the omission of The Losers / Dinosaur Island storyline. And huge chunks of the Challengers of the Unknown story not being used. Oh well, they did call it "Justice League: The New Frontier," not "The New Frontier")

So, as Dirk sometimes does, here is TMI Tuesday... on Wednesday!

1. What can you consider as the greatest thing you've ever done for/ to yourself?

Getting out of my last relationship.

It took me more than two years - - on and off - - and almost every therapy session I had during that time, but I got out of it. And as bad as it was, I learned a lot from it.

The best part is that I will never be in a relationship like that ever again. Period.

2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why?

I don't think, I KNOW I could have been a better boyfriend to my first true love, the man I consider my first real boyfriend here in the city.

I've said it before but I was 25 and stupidly believed that career and art was more important than boyfriend, friends and family and I paid for it by losing my first true love.

As with #1, that will never happen again.

3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?

This question alone is sentimental enough to make my jaded, cynical readers throw up in their mouths (I know I have jaded and cynical readers because - - shock - - I am jaded and cynical), but the "wind beneath my wings" is my mother.

From helping me move to Chicago to sending me care packages filled with homemade candy to always knowing exactly what I need when I need it, Mama has been there for me more times than I can count.

She has sacrificed so much so that I could have more than she had growing up. She gives freely without thinking. And she loves openly. I love and admire her.

4. Tell us about your longest relationship.

My longest was my worst. If it had lasted any longer, I would have killed him. Literally.

He should be glad that it didn't last any longer.

5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

Presently, I get to the point where "enough is enough" when I am disrespected, lied to or yelled at, no matter if we've been going out for 12 months or 12 minutes.

For instance, about two weeks into my last / worst relationship, we we getting into bed at his place one night and he started making advances for us to have sex. Now, we had had sex at least once a day (and most days twice a day, if not more) from the first night we slept together. This is two weeks in and he starts making the moves.

I said to him that I was tired and he made one of those "Awww..." sounds, like a child who was being told he couldn't play with his toy anymore tonight. So, I said that even though I was tired, I would have sex if he wanted to and that's when he slapped my hand away from him, turned his back on me in bed and said...
"Fuck you! You think I need a pity fuck from you?!? Fuck off!"

I got out of bed and started putting on my clothes. He asked, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" and I told him home. And somehow, he talked me into getting back into bed, staying the night and having sex.

These days, just the slapping of my hand would end the relationship. Telling me to "Fuck off!" just two weeks in would ensure the relationship is over.

Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;)

I miss kissing a lot. But I'm not willing to risk my self-esteem or my self-respect anymore to be kissed.

I'm waiting. And the right man will come along. And we will kiss and hug and make love. And he will never intentionally hurt me. And I will never intentionally hurt him.

And while I wait for him to come along, I'm not missing a damn thing by avoiding dates with men who would hurt me.

Been there. Done that. Bought all the show posters.


whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I am so glad that you got out of that relationship!

I hope your back is doing better.

Stephen Rader said...

whim - My back is feeling a little bit better. Lord, I'm getting old! Back problems. Oy...

cb said...

I gotta tell you, if someone had pulled that hand-slap-fuck-off-pity-fuck thing with me, I would have dressed and gone home.


No discussion.

Stephen Rader said...

cb - I know. I should have. I was kind of like Luke Skywalker in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. I was close to being ready to fight and stand up for what was right, but I wasn't quite there. But I'm better for the battle.

Dear Lord... STAR WARS references for relationships. Will I ever get laid again? :)

Aaron said...

I completely understand putting up with the "hand-slap/fuck-off" thing...I had a (much briefer) relationship where the guy drank and lied to me constantly and one night came home in a slobbering, drunken stupor and screamed in my face--IN. MY. FUCKING. FACE.--when it became apparent that I wasn't having it anymore.

I should have broken it off then (and by "it," I mean his penis), but a.) I had no self-confidence and b.) I had no tweezers.

So I waited until HE broke it off a few weeks later, then sat around feeling like a fat loser and listening to Nina Simone. Until the morning I woke up and realized I'd just lost 200 lbs. of ugly fat.

The sun came out that day, too. Coincidence?

Stephen Rader said...

aaron - Not a coincidence at all! So glad we lost those people from our lives. We deserve MUCH better!

Polt said...

New Frontier did inDEED rock!!! hope you can get off the sofa now...what with the new imaginary boyfriend and all.


Mark in DE said...

Hope your back feels better soon.

Good for you that your self-esteem is at an appropriate level and you moved your life in a healthy, positive direction!

Mark :-)

Stephen Rader said...

polt - I'm glad you liked NEW FRONTIER, too. Oh, and don't worry about the imaginary new boyfriend. He's being... ummm... utilized... :)

mark in de - Most definitely!! And my back is feeling a little better. God, I sound like Liza.