Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Rains Came (Or Is It Runs?)

I am big believer in the idea that God sometimes gives us blessings that we initially perceive as bad luck or Murphy's Law or the karmic equivalent of walking through a cow pasture and heel-toe'ing into manure with each and every step.

For example, yesterday morning - - early, early morning - - I woke up with a nasty stomach ache and something Southerners refer to as "The Green Apple Quick Steps."

(If you don't have a clue what that means, go here and read the definition in the middle of the page.)

I decided to stay at home, drink tons of the The Pink Stuff and gobble Immodium until my intestinal track ran as slow as the CTA.

Then, it happened.

What is "it?" Well, you know that phrase, "Sometimes there's God so quickly," right? Well, in my case, I was sitting at my desk here at home working on my laptop and then...

"Sometimes I'm Shelly Winters so quickly."

There was incredibly loud thunder and out of nowhere rain started pouring in sheets. This happens about every other day in the South, so thunder and lightening don't freak me out very much...

But four inches of rain in a 30 minute period that starts gushing into my little basement apartment like a queer mini-Niagra Falls MOST DEFINITELY freaks me out.

In minutes, water was pouring through both doors of my apartment. I ran back and forth through all the rooms unplugging everything and moving anything near floor-level to higher ground.

Then, the power went out in my building.

I am sure I looked like Jodi Foster in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS as I stumbled blindly trying to save... well, I wasn't trying to save a full figured girl in a well... I was trying to save my Judy Garland dvd's!

The rain was quick and hard - - which I enjoy in most things, but when it comes to floods, not so much. In less than half an hour, I was standing in four feet of water throughout my entire apartment.

Luckily, I was able to save nearly everything. Nothing was really ruined. Not my Tivo, not my comic books, not my laptop, not my stereo or my vintage Bette Midler albums. Nothing.

And you see, if God hadn't give me The Green Apple Quick Steps in the morning, I would have lost several of those things to this 30 minute flood.

So it's true. Sometimes there is God so quickly.

But God, if you don't mind - - the next time, could you give me something a little more attractive than diarrhea? I would greatly appreciate it.

15 comments:

Aaron said...

I'm sorry you were sick, and sorry you got flooded! I hope everything's OK...and glad you saved your Judy CDs! (That's very important!)

Michael said...

Good Lord! Glad you saved everything! What about the porn?

Stephen Rader said...

Aaron - Thanks you! I'm fine and most of my things are fine. Judy is dead, but she's still fine. :)

Michael - The Porn? "Judy Garland dvd's" is a euphemism for "Gay Porn." Well, that's what my Queer Recruitment Officer told me.

Michael said...

Silly me for thinking the Judy Garland DVDs were in fact Judy Garland DVDs. I call them Swedish Educational Films......

Stephen Rader said...

Michael - Ooooo, I like that. Those Swedes are hot. The Swedish Chef muppet wasn't hot at all, but real life Swedes got it goin' on!

khbronson said...

Ok....I'll admit it...I did know what Green Apple Quick Steps was! Guess being born in Alabama and also living in Mississippi did get me sum edukashun.

But yikes with the flooding! Glad you were able to save most of your things!

Stephen Rader said...

Karen - Me with the runs in the rain. It wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all.

I love saying "Green Apple Quick Steps!" We Southerners certainly have a unique way with the English language, don't we?

Master Aaron said...

From God to SW in three swishes of a toliet brush. I gotta hand it to ya, Rader, you have the gift of an extraordinary thought process. So now we give thanks for the trots, right? It's a queer world, ain't it?

Dan B (no, not Bennett, think harder) said...

Speaking of Judy Garland, there is an interesting new group on Yahoo called The Judy Garland Experience.
The group features ultra rare audio files that are changed every few days, amazing photo's, lively discussions, and just about the most eclectic membership anywhere. Filled with Garland family members, other celebs, authors, film makers, and fans from every level. It is a great place to meet other Garland afficianado's, hear some great music, or just learn about the legend of Judy Garland. Once you visit this little Judyville you may never want to leave!
http://movies.groups.yahoo.com/group/thejudygarlandexperience/

Bob said...

Holy green apple quickstep! I'm glad you saved everything, but how scary!!! And APPLAUSE for saving Judy.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Ah the hazzards of basement living! I am so glad that you didn't lose anything and that you are ok. How is the apartment drying out?

Aaron said...

My family always called it the "Green Apple TWO step." I can just picture line dancing...

Stephen Rader said...

Master Aaron - It is indeed a queer world. And thank God Shelly is a part of it!

Bob - Hey, it's Pride Month - - Judy must be saved at all costs!!!

Whim - My apartment is drying out quite well. Apparently, I got the least amount of water than any of the other basement units in my apartment. The woman in the unit beside me is actually being moved to another apartment across the street. That's how bad it was.

Aaron - Green Apple Two Step? That sort of implies you didn't quite make it, doesn't it? Unless, of course, the bathroom is only two steps away. :)

dirk.mancuso said...

Grandma M always called them "the green apple nasties."

Sorry to hear about the flood and the trots, but the universe converged in a way that allowed you to save their things.

Almost makes me think there is a higher power. (Higher than Judge Judy I mean...)

Stephen Rader said...

Dirk - Do we know for certain that Judge Judy isn't God?

I mean, somehow I can hear God shout from the Heavens, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raning!!!"

"Green apple nasties." I like that. :)