Thursday, March 15, 2007

Blonde and Blue-Eyed Bond

I love movies.

Steve Martin's character in THE GRAND CANYON says something like, "All of life's riddles can be solved in the movies."

While I may not go quite that far, my one and only super power seems to be the quick and easy memorization of lines from movies - - my own personal arsenal of wit and wisdom to unleash on unsuspecting passersby.

But movies get me in trouble. There I'll be, sitting in a movie house with "all of those wonderful people out there in the dark" and I suddenly become uber-gay. As Karen Walker said once on WILL AND GRACE, "gayer than a clutch purse on Tony night."

Those of you who know that the line, "all of those wonderful people out there in the dark" is a Norma Desmond SUNSET BOULEVARD line realize just how much of a gayrod I am most of the time. Imagine that kind of faggotry multiplied by a Tommy Tune and then adding to that three Rip Taylors, a Clay Aiken and half a Jim J. Bullock. That's what I'm like in a movie theatre and that's SOME gay!

For example:

1) On the opening day of the film version of CHICAGO, I stood up - - no exaggeration, I stood UP - - in the theatre in the middle of packed house of mostly straight people at the end of THE CELL BLOCK TANGO and screamed...

"Worth the price of admission!"

The stares, folks. The stares...

2) At the first midnight showing of BATMAN BEGINS, not only did I have to stifle an orgasmic moan when Christian Bale was shirtless in bed, but during the trailer for THE DUKES OF HAZZARD movie, I cheered and clapped when the Amazon Princess herself, Lynda Carter, surprised me on the screen. You were with me, Mike and you applauded too!

3) A few years ago, at a Mother's Day showing of MOMMIE DEAREST at The Music Box Theatre here in Chicago which featured a pre-show talk by Ms. Christina Crawford herself, I was shouting so many of the lines word-for-word along and in sync with Faye Dunaway that the straight guy with his girlfriend sitting in front of me (and yes, just how straight could he be if he's watching MOMMIE DEAREST on Mother's Day, but I digress) turned around and said, "How do you know all of these lines?" and I replied...

"I'm a homosexual. I can't throw a ball, but I can do this."

4) My most recent "uber-gay out" came just a few months ago during the torture scene in CASINO ROYALE when Daniel Craig is tied to a wooden chair naked with his muscles rippling. Rip-Pling. I was all alone at a Saturday matinee, and this time, the orgasmic moan was not stifled. It shot out of my mouth and it was loud. I mean, LOUD.

Those of you with whom I have had sex know that I'm rather verbal.

And if I wasn't verbal with you... well, let's just say if you want hot water, you've got to know how to turn the dial.

Today I purchased me some CASINO ROYALE in all it's widescreen dvd glory, and now this little old dvd is helping me re-live my movie-based orgasmic moan over and over again... in slow motion... frame by "Dear sweet Jesus, Daniel Craig is HOT!" frame.

Watch it. I'll even loan you my copy if you want.

Just don't get lube on the disc.

I've ruined way too many Shane Rollins dvd's with all that Eros on my fingers.

13 comments:

Master Aaron said...

Here I was, thinking I knew EVERYTHING about you...but since we never went to the movies together and since I neglected to tie you up...the rope is our apartment seemed to be always in use, somehow...I had no idea you were one of those LOUD bitches. And in that entire year, I never once heard a noise from your bedroom. I have to think back and see if I can remember who you were dating at that time...

Master Aaron said...

OH, and I'm waiting for the Gun Oil to dry before I give you back your vhs of Into The Woods. Kim Crosby was HOT in that ballgown.

Stephen Rader said...

Aaron - The mental image of you masterbating to Kim Crosby's Cinderella in Sondheim's original production of INTO THE WOODS is something I will cherish from now till forever.

God, I love me that Gun Oil. Yum.

And you know perfectly well that I started dating "The Skank" when I was living with you. I deserve a Jeff, a Tony and two Oscars for all the fake orgasms I had in THAT relationship!

David said...

Stephen, I was there on Mothers Day for the Mommie Dearest screening and between you and Alex its a wonder anybody could hear the damn movie ;)

Stephen Rader said...

David - Saying that I can quote MOMMIE DEAREST with the best of them - - "the best of them" being Alexandra Billings - - is a compliment that I relish!!!

Alex is the one who turned me on to the brilliance of quoting Faye's first line in the movie... the one that takes her about 4 and a half years to actually say.

A man opens her trailer door and says, "They're ready for you, Miss Crawford" and Faye waits...

...and waits...

...and waits...

...and waits a little longer...

...and a little longer...

...and a bit longer than that...

...and then finally...

...waits a little longer...

...and says...

"Let's go."

A truly ri-COCK-ulous moment!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LOL! I actually have Casino Royale to watch this weekend. I love Bond movies (as you know) but suddenly I find myself very excited to see this film.

Stephen Rader said...

Whim - Oh, you will be excited. And by "excited," I mean "Continus Lava Gushing Orgasms.' Not kidding...

Michael said...

Shane Rollins......now I have to change.

Where's Kent's blog?

Stephen Rader said...

Michael - I know. I've been a fan of Mr. Rollins work for quite some time now. Heaven help him if I ever meet him in person!

As for Kent's blog, I will be adding that to my blog links later today. WOOHOO!!!

Mike said...

I'm not sure that the applauding of Wonder Woman was nearly as gay as me screeching "Oh My God!" in a just barely audible to humans. I used that same bit when I auditioned for the role of Jack on Will and Grace and the casting director said it was "a bit much."

As someone who was lucky enough to meet Shane Rollins in the flesh, I'm sure you would have been just fine. Oh, Madrigals, how I miss thee.

Stephen Rader said...

Mike - Ah, Madrigals... we hardly knew ye!

It's a good thing I never saw Shane at Madrigals. Stephen + Vodka + Shane Rollins = Sexual Disaster of Epic Proportions... not that that wouldn't be fun, but still...

Michael said...

I saw him working out in Cheetah gym before an appearance at Madrigal's. And I have to change AGAIN................

Stephen Rader said...

Michael - He wouldn't have been performing that night at Madrigal's if I had been at that gym.

It's hard to strip with me clamped onto your... errr... g-string.