The Ladies from St. Louis, Me and Paula D!

Well, ya'll. I met her. I met Ms. Paula Deen.

Now of course, The Borders Patrol were out in full force, so I was unable to actually get an upclose picture of her, let alone a picture of me WITH her, but my two hours waiting in line with some incredible Paula Deen fans more than made up for it.

First off, check out this gal with her chef's hat on who was waiting in line about 50 people behind me! She asked if this was going on my MySpace page, and I said, "Honey, do I look cool enough to have a MySpace page?!?!?" She had no comment. But she is wicked cute!

There were lines of people waiting all over the 3rd and 2nd floors of Borders and I was easily in the first group of 50. Well...I'm getting WAY ahead of myself!

First off, I went to Borders a little after 9:00 a.m. I bought two copies of PAULA DEEN CELEBRATES, was given a Purple wristband and was told to be back at Borders at 5:00 p.m. to start getting in line. The Borders Patrol would put us Paula fans into lines in five groups according to our wristband color, which corresponded with when we arrived at Borders to buy the book. The color order was Purple (The REAL Fans!), White (Fans Who Were Late), Blue (Semi-Fans With No Sense Of Priority In Their Life), Pink (Losers) and Yellow (MAJOR Losers).

So, me being within the first group of 50 people in the Purple group meant I was DEFINITELY in the upper echelon at Club Paula!

I sat down beside a cute woman named Betsy and we talked about a new Rule from the Reichstag which was handed out to us on a slip of paper with our wristband:

"The event is a signing; there will be no discussion."

Who the fuck do these Border Patrol Bitches think they are?!?!?! Jeez... Lighten the fuck UP!

Anyway, I noticed a group of women who were about 15 people ahead of me all wearing the same t-shirts. The front of each t-shirt said "Quotes By Paula" and each shirt had a different quote of Ms. Deen's from her tv show. This woman's was my favorite - - it says...

"I'm sweatin' like a fat girl writin' her first love letter!"

Are you beginning to understand my obsession with Miss Paula?!?!?

Ok, back to these women. They all traveled to Chicago from south of St. Louis just to meet Paula Deen. When I asked to take their picture, they wanted to know if I wanted the front of their t-shirts or the back and I said, "Can I get your fronts first?" The woman 4th from the right said, "I'm so happy to hear a man ask me that!!!"

The woman on the far left is very special. It was her birthday in September and her daughter (3rd from the left) gathered all her mom's friends together, planned this whole trip and made the t-shirts as a gift for her mother. They were wonderful to each other.

When the women saw my t-shirt from The Lady and Sons - - the one that says "Hey Ya'll!" on the back - - we were instant pals. I loved them. So, when Paula showed up these women all stood in front of her signing table and turned around in order so that the letters on the back of their t-shirts spelled out...

Paula was shocked and amazed and loved, Loved, LOVED IT!!! She said, "Ya'll, I've never seen anything like this in my life." I heard these women scream and I wasn't sure what Paula told them, so after my book was signed I raced down the escalator to find them. They told me that Paula invited them all to come on her Friday night show, Paula's Party! I was and am so thrilled for them! I can't wait to see them on the show.

Now, when I got up to the table...well, first Ms. Bitch Border Patrol said to me in that sing-songy-Sister-Bertha-Better-Than-You Tone, "No photos, pleeeaasseee." Lick my balls. But I did as I was told...

Standing to Paula's left was Brandon Branch, Paula's personal assistant who is cute, Cute, CUTE and gay, Gay, GAY!!! If I hadn't been so flustered with camera warnings from Miss Bitch and from being in the presence of The Queen of All Things Fried and Fatty, I would have shamelessly flirted with him when he looked at my Lady and Sons t-shirt and said, "Nice shirt." I should have said, "It looks better on the floor." Alas, I wasn't that quick...

But when Paula looked at me, I blurted out "Thank you" and she said, "You've got great taste in wardrobe."

I'm tellin' ya'll. I could have died right then and there and the smile on my face would have been eternal!