Sunday, November 19, 2006

24 Hours to Paula

It is less than 24 hours till I stand in line at the Border's on Michigan Avenue to meet The Lady herself, Ms. Paula Deen.

But the question is: Who will be in line with me? My guess is that the fans of Miss Stick of Butter will include (but shall not be limited to) rednecks, gay men, wannabe chefs and housewives...and its scary to think that, on some level, I fit into every one of those categories.

I was born a redneck...

I knew I was gay when my favorite childhood television show was FAMILY AFFAIR (you know...the show with characters named "Buffy, Jody and Cissy" and a butler named "Mr. French" who makes Richard Simmons look butch)...

I bring one or two Paula Deen dishes to every potluck or holiday party...

...and...

...well...does Tivo'ing DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES count?

And, just like the Liza Minnelli signing, the Border's Nazis are in full force. Check out this blurb about tomorrow's Rules and Regulations at the Reichstag:

Additional Information: To ensure that Ms. Deen is able to meet all of her fans at this event, no photography will be taken at the signing table. She will be unable to personalize her message when autographing books. No memorabilia will be signed.

Beginning Monday, Nov. 20 at 9 a.m., 500 wristbands will be given out to customers who have purchased a copy of the book "Paula Deen Celebrates!: Best Dishes and Best Wishes for the Best Times of Your LIfe." Wristbands will be given out on a first come, first served basis and will offer customers a place in line, but do not guarantee a chance to meet Ms. Deen. There is a limit of two books per person. Copies of the book are available for purchase at Borders stores.

Fuck, guys - - lighten up! Liza Minnelli had the time to write my first name AND her name on the DVD of LIZA WITH A Z that she signed for me...and SHE has an Oscar...Liza consumed more drugs in one evening at Studio 54 than Rush Limbaugh has taken in his entire life...Liza is Judy Garland's freakin' daughter, for cryin' out loud!!!! You Borders Buttfucks think that Liza can do something that the Queen of Collard Greens can't?!?!?!

Well, Liza has overcome two hip replacements, brain encephalitis, RENT-A-COP with Burt Reynolds and an album with the Pet Shop Boys. Maybe they're on to something.

Somehow though, I have a feeling that Paula is going to be a lot more easy going than The Borders Patrol is making this out to be.

I know she didn't create this image and she probably didn't approve of it, but I'm sure this little picture would make my girl Paula laugh her ass off!

4 comments:

Michael said...

Mr. French wasn't gay...he was English. You know, like Roddy McDowell and Rupert Everett.... ;)

Stephen said...

Between the British men and those Queer Eye for the Straight Guy homos, my gaydar is about as effective as Tom Cruie's beard, Katie Holmes.

Michael said...

Hehehehe.....Tom Cruise likes cock.

Stephen said...

Yes. Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's couch and screaming about how much he loves Katie Holmes always makes me think of that line from HAMLET: "Methinks the faggot doth protest too much."

Boy, that Billy Shakespeare...he sure could write 'em, couldn't he?