Sunday, November 05, 2006

From Dixie to Desperate and Back to Dixie: The Circle of Life

I had a full day of UGLY BABY rehearsal (if you're not at the Strawdog Theatre on November 17th at 10:30 pm for the Press Opening of this new show, then you will TRULY be missing out because Nick, Jaya, Cynthia and I are popping a cap in Comedy's ass and making Funny our bitch with Eric Reda's incredible direction of Philip Dawkins AMAZING play), then I saw THE 25th ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE as Jerry Nunn's guest (thank you, Windy City Media Group!!! - - more on that incredible show later...) and then went to Jerry's apartment by way of Cold Stone Creamery where Jerry and I watched and reviewed another gay porn for Windy City Times' NIGHTSPOTS magazine (again...more on me reviewing gay porn and the hilarity that ensues later...). But all of this pales in comparison to the last hour of my life watching tonight's episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

If you are not a DH fan, then this is your chance to go onto iTunes, download tonight's episode for a mere $1.99 and take in this show in its finest form. Chicago's own Laurie Metcalf has been introduced this season as Caroline Bigsby, a former friend of Brie's new husband's dearly departed former wife. Confused? Don't even BEGIN to make me explain Brie Van Brie Hodge's love life for the last two years and 5 episodes. I would have an easier time getting George W. to pronounce "nuclear" correctly!

I won't go into details for those who haven't seen the episode (I fucking HATE spoilers!), but since those who follow the show have seen the previews where Laurie Metcalf is walking through a supermarket carrying a pistol, let me just write down Ms. Metcalf's line as she strolls Dirty Harry-like down aisle 2:

"Attention shoppers! We're having a special today on Not Getting Shot, but its only available at the BACK OF THE STORE!!!"

Yeah. I'll see your indestructible cheerleader, your Smoke Monster and your Prison Breakers and I'll raise you Rosanne's sister Jackie blasting her way through a Piggly Wiggly. Yeah...I thought you'd fold...


1) In Season One, when Brie is unsettled by conversation at one of her dinner parties that she feels is a bit too blue for polite society, she is basically told by her then husband Rex to not be such a tight ass. Brie responds by telling the entire table that, "Rex cries after he ejaculates. Would anyone care for coffee?"

2) When Lynette has had it with the indirect bitchiness coming from the woman in charge of her twin sons' school play and says, "Ok, let's take it outside." The woman asks, "Let's take what outside?" and Lynette says, "Your sorry ass. I'm throwin' down."

3) The lovely creator of DH, Mr. Marc Cherry, used to be a writer for THE GOLDEN GIRLS. It don't get no better than that!

4) Well maybe it does, because Marc Cherry is also a HUGE Stephen Sondheim fan. The name of nearly every episode of DH is the title of a Stephen Sondheim song. For example, tonight's episode is perfectly titled "Bang!" which is the name of a Sondheim song cut from A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC and later used in the Sondheim revue PUTTING IT TOGETHER. (Who has two thumbs and is a big musical theatre 'Mo? THIS GUY!!!)

To prove my point, this clip shows how DH found its way into the celebration for Sondheim's 75th birthday:

5) Finally...proving that life is full of coincidences that confirm the existence of God (and no, I'm not talking about Evangelist Ted Haggard saying that he hired a gay prostitute for 3 years but just for a MASSAGE!!!! Oy...again...more about that later...), the preview clip for next week's DH shows the one...the only...Dixie Carter will be on the show as Brie Hodge's mother-in-law, Gloria Hodge....

...and the episode, named after the incredible Sondheim song from the second act of SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE is entitled CHILDREN AND ART.

This Dixie Carter reference provides the perfect segue from my previous post to this one, but unfortunately confirms that I will never get laid again. No man ever said, "I love how you quote Dixie Carter and know every episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. Lay down you hot fucker!!!"

And if I'm not blogging to get myself laid, what's the point? And what do I need to start blogging about so that I CAN get laid?!?! Your input would be greatly appreciated. (input...appreciated...MmmmmmHmmmmmm...)

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