Thursday, December 28, 2006

Tender Tennesee Christmas, My Ass!

Ok, maybe that title is a wee bit harsh, but my brother Jeff and I are now in the middle of an epic battle similar to Cain vs. Abel, Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang and of course Joan Crawford vs. Christina...

How similar? Well, notice the striking resemblance between the picture above from MOMMIE DEAREST and this picture that Philip took of my brother and me after Jeff ran the Chicago Marathon last year...

Frightening, huh?

Also frightening because I look like the bastard child of Yul Brenner and that bitch from THE MATRIX....

What did Jeff and I fight about? I won't go through all the sordid details - - I'm sure you want to hear about my family crises about as much as I want to see the video of someone's child being born... I always want to say, "Don't show me the birth, show me the conception." - - but I'm sure I'll rant about it later on here. Two brothers fighting is fun but two FAG brothers fighting, now that's an episode of DYNASTY!

I'm insanely busy at Season of Concern and SEUSSICAL rehearsals, but here are a few of quick holiday tid bits:

First up, I have two new Wanda quotes!

Wanda is my mother and yes, its a stand-up comic cliche to say, "Oh, those wacky parents of mine!" but my mother is truly in a class all her own.

On this trip, I recorded the following:

- As she was describing to me how to keep my new Gap jacket crisp and clean, she said, "Get you some of that Clorox 2 - - for Coloreds." Is this the bleach that Michael Jackson has been soaking in all this time?!?!? That queerbait...

- I'm not sure what we were talking about but mama used the phrase, "Puttin' on the dog," and I asked her where that came from and she bluntly replied, "Right outta my mouth."

Ok, in retrospect these are not belly laugh-ers, but one of the reasons I love her is that there is no filter from her brain to her mouth and because of that, brilliant things are brought to life.

I love her for that and for the killer dvd's she bought me!!!


Who needs a kiss from a handsome man on New Year's Eve? I've got William Powell and Myrna Loy by the handfull!!! Solving murders carrying cocktails, decked out in the finest of evening clothes and always accompanied by the cutest dog known to man, Asta. If that's not a gay man's fantasy, I'm not sure what is!!!

No... you're right... that's not every gay man's fantasy... Brandon Routh is every gay man's fantasy...

Which is why mama gave me SUPERMAN RETURNS - - the mega, ultimate, whammo, collector-ific, Comes - With - A - Crappy - Book - About - Supes dvd and I can't wait to watch it and study Brandon's package in extreme close-up slow motion.

Speaking of his package... yum...

And my brother (yes, the bitch I'm having a fight with) got me the first season of REMINGTON STEELE on dvd.

Yes, I was THAT GUY in the 80's. (FYI: "THAT GUY" in this instance means that REMINGTON STEELE fans were only slightly less Geek-Tarded than a guy with a 7th level Cleric in a DUNGEONS & DRAGONS campaign)

If my participation in Drama Class and Show Choir didn't give my parents all the information they needed about me, the large poster of Pierce Brosnan in a tux with his shirt unbuttoned definitely announced my sexual preference to any and all who entered my room.

But my favorite dvd was one that my mother worked with my cousin Rhonda to make. Its a simple slideshow of different pictures of me, my brother and my mom from my birth all the way to the vacation the three of us took in Hilton Head, SC last September.

We all sat on the couch and watched it, listening to the music my mother chose to accompany the dvd slideshow . The first is an older county song called THANK GOD FOR KIDS - - I think recorded by The Oak Ridge Boys - - and the second was Dolly Parton's I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. It sounds like the cheesiest thing I could ever describe, but I cried while I held my mother's hand, watching those pictures flash by on the screen.

To me, that's a gift. Not the dvd, but that moment with my mom. That's mine forever and I am so happy for that little moment. There aren't many of those in a lifetime.

Here's one of the pictures from that dvd.

This is me (the one on the left with the sandy blond hair and the "Too - Fabulous - To - Even - Barely - Pass - For - Straight" Smile) and my brother (the slightly Corky from LIFE GOES ON kid on the right eating God only knows what) sitting on a very old Santa's lap.

This is obviously a classy photography studio - - check out the picture numbers seemingly strapped to my brother's knee.

Damn! Santa has friggin' big hands, though. This might be where I got my fascination for men in red velvet and black leather...

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