Monday, December 04, 2006

Crisis at the Kennedy Center - Dolly Unharmed!

I'm always amazed at what can happen in the middle of the night while I am asleep.

A few years ago, Mayor Daley removed an entire downtown airport overnight...

My boyfriend Tivo can go online ON HIS OWN and pick up the latest TV listings so he can digitally record all of my favorite TV shows. I love you, Tivo!...

(Tivo + Stevo = Lonely)

Hell, my last roommate could have as many as three "gentlemen callers" between my "Goodnight" and "Good morning" to him - - and by 3, I mean "3 in Gay Terms" which means 47.

So, it should come as no shock to me that Jessica Simpson sang last night at the Kennedy Center Honors' Gala in a tribute to Dolly Parton and she fucked the whole thing up!

This is the woman who confused tuna with chicken because of that commercial, "What's the best tuna? Chicken of the Sea!"

This is the woman who thought she could fill Catherine Bach's "Daisy Dukes" in a movie version of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. Listen Jessica, Catherine has more Kentucky in her little pinky than you've got in your whole thumb!

This is the woman who got to sleep with Nick Lachey every night and friggin' screwed THAT up!! And all she had to do was lay there, look up at Nick's amazing body and NOT SING! (I'm thinking that Jessica Simpson singing would take the stiffness out of an ironing board, so no singing during the beast-with-two-backs, please!)

Here's what went down:

Apparently, Jessica was singing 9 TO 5...

Let's talk about THAT first and foremost...

Who the Hell books the talent for this "gala?" anyway? The producers of the now-lame TRL??? IL DIVO would have done a better job with 9 TO 5 than Jessica, and they're nothing but four fag Charlotte Church wannabee's! For the love of all things Dolly!!

So, she's singing 9 TO 5 and was looking all nervous...and then...

...she screwed up the words... fucking 9 TO 5!!!

The song was written over 25 years ago!! Your Daddy Manager couldn't get you the lyrics or a lead sheet or show you how to download a friggin' song on iTunes?!?!

This bitch is stupid.

She's going to night school to evolve a thumb.

She studies for her pap test.

Jessica saw a sign that said, "Wet Floor." She did.

So after screwing up the words to friggin' 9 TO 5, from the accounts now coming in from this SCANDAL, Jessica allegedly stopped singing and said:

"Dolly you make so nervous. I can't even sing the words right."

Dolly. Our nation joins you in your sorrow. I saw this coming, though and I should have warned you.

Jessica was on the Jimmy Kimmel show a few weeks ago and mentioned she loved Dolly Parton and would be singing at the Kennedy Center Honors and then told Jimmy that she loved Dolly's themepark, DOLLYWOOD, and hoped to one day have JESSICAWOOD.

She actually said this.

Jimmy Kimmel then said, "Well, I'm sure you've given a lot of guys JESSICAWOOD already in your career."

Love that latenight TV.

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