Thursday, July 05, 2007


Well, Chicago Transit Authority President Ron Huberman - - otherwise known as "My Future Boyfriend Despite The Fact That We've Never Met And He Already Has A Boyfriend" - - is all over the Chicago press right now.

He is at the heart of a CTA clusterfuck caused by a chain of events which can easily be described as the CTA's "Worst Case Scenario."

Actually, these events come dangerously close to a "Kobayashi Maru" test.

(Extra points if you understand THAT reference.)

First, you have thousands of Chicagoans in and around the Loop (a.k.a. "downtown") on the evening of July 3rd to view the city's annual downtown fireworks show.

The fireworks are lovely, everyone "Oohs" and "Ahhs" and when the show is over, the massive crowd crams into CTA elevated trains to go home.

Then at 10:45 p.m., a spring on a Green Line train breaks causing the system to automatically cut all power to that train and five other trains on the Green Line, the Brown Line and the Orange Line.

The Chicago Trib article about this mess has the following description of the chaos from Roy Giles who was stuck on a Green Line train stopped at Wabash and Lake...

"They said they had trouble with the tracks. We expected to be there a few minutes.

"But 15 minutes passed, then a half-hour, then an hour passed.

"We were on there about an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. No air conditioners. The cars were packed. Everybody was like crazy in there, sweating."

"People were scared and crying. Some were about ready to fight, telling everybody, 'get off me' and 'don't push me.' It was crazy.

"If it had been another 15 minutes, there'd have been some fights. People would have started jumping off the train."

What was my future boyfriends response to an estimated 5,000 to 10,000 people being trapped on croweded, un-airconditioned trains for nearly an hour and a half? Well, Ron Huberman had this to say...

"I'd like to first apologize to CTA customers."

Nice, Ronnie baby. Open with an "I'm sorry." It's classy and heartfelt. I love it. And I love your pecs, by the way. And your rock hard... Ummm... Anyway...

Then, Mr. Huberman said...

"Without a doubt, there was an inconvenience in the Loop last night."

Ron, you know I love you and I seriously want to wine you, dine you and wash every inch of your body with my tongue, but... "inconvenience?"

Describing thousands of passengers trapped in cramped, sweltering elevated trains for 75 minutes as an "inconvenience" is sort of like describing 72 hours of labor during Natural Childbirth as "discomfort."

Or describing the The War in Iraq as a "Whoopsy."

Or describing you - - Ron Huberman - - as "Just average looking."

No, baby. You're "friggin' hot."

The War in Iraq is "A Massive National Tragedy Brought About By Our Morally Corrupt Leaders."

Childbirth is... okay, I don't know from experience, but I imagine it's "Painful." Like sticking an umbrella up your ass and opening it.

And July 3rd's CTA problems - - even if procedures were followed for safety reasons - - can be described as a "Mess" and the handling of the mess was "Inconsiderate Bordering On Cruel," "Uncommunicative" and "Chaotic."

But the situation is easily rectified.

Just take your shirt off.


(Please note that I saw my Mr. Huberman at my new favorite gay bar and restaurant, The Halsted Street Grill, last week. He totally undressed me with his eyes.

He didn't actually look at me and doesn't have a single clue that I am even alive on this planet, but cut me some slack - - I'm a girl with dream!)


Aaron said...

In a way, I feel incredibly bad for Huberman (when I'm not wildly irritated with everyone connected with CTA as a rule)...he really inherited a hell of a mess, and there's no way to fix it that ain't gonna hurt without state funding.

And city agency heads have a gift for understatement when things go to hell, because to state it any more drastically would apparently be an admission of weakness or incompetence, it seems.

But the fact that he's hotter than Ann Coulter's forehead at a lesbian yoga class really mitigates the irritation. (Yes, I, too, am easily bought. Is there an extra stool at the Halsted Street B & G?)

Stephen Rader said...

Aaron - You're absolutely right that Huberman inherited messy, convoluted and at-the-point-of-breaking city organization, but "inconvenience?" Come on.

I wouldn't call waiting in the reception area at my doctor's office for an hour and 15 minutes an "inconvenience." So, you can imagine what a bitch I would have been if I was on one of those over-packed, un-air conditioned CTA train surrounded by drunken fireworks revelers.

That said, if Ron had been on that train with me during the power shut down, I would have loved being stuck in the heat with him.

And there is a stool right beside me at the Halsted Bar & Grill anytime you wanna join me! Maybe we should get a couple of "I Heart Ron Huberman" t-shirts and wait at the bar for days until he comes back in! :)

Aaron said...

If he does, I'll duck outta sight...if he sees me sitting there, he'll turn tail faster than a rabid dog from a fire hose.

Michael said...

Want to touch the Huberman......

Lance's friend said...

Yay! I get extra points! (I never get extra points.)

Stephen Rader said...

Aaron - You better not duck outta sight. You and I both are gonna hold him down and sing I'M TELLIN' YOU I'M NOT GOIN' right in his ear. Can't you just see us grabbing at him and singing, "And you! And you! And YOU! You're gonna love me!!!"?!?

Michael - Come join Aaron and I at Halsted Street Bar and Grill and touch the Huberman

Lance's Friend - How much do I love you and your knowledge of the "no win scenario."?!? THIS MUCH!!!!