Monday, January 22, 2007

"It's My Birthday, Ya'll!"

(The title of this posting should be read a la Maya Rudolph's Oprah Winfrey in the SNL sketch about Oprah's Favorite Things Birthday Edition - - "MACAROONS!!!")

Yes, today is my birthday. Thirty-seven years ago today, I was born.

37. Fuck.

Please note:

1) It is at this point in my life that I will start lying about my age since, to quote Samantha (Kim Catrall - - and who would ever think that I would quote the girl from MANNEQUIN?) in one my favorite episodes of SEX IN THE CITY when she finds a grey pubic hair...

"Nobody wants to fuck Grandma's pussy!"

2) After SEUSSICAL yesterday, I made a little appearance at a birthday party for one of the kids who saw the show with their friends and young Haley was turning 5. I secretly hoped a little FREAKY FRIDAY action would take place, so I could start from 5 years old, have blond hair, blue eyes and a clean slate for my credit rating.

3) I want everyone who asks my age to repeat a line said by one of The Weird Sisters at a cabaret show where a woman in the audience was celebrating her birthday. When asked how old she was, she answered "49" or something, and the reply from one of The Weird Sisters was...

"You don't look a day over GORGEOUS!"

Remember that phrase. And use it when next you see me.

Today is interesting because 37 years ago, my mother gave birth to me and her sister gave birth to my cousin, Rhonda...

...yes... on the same day... the hospital... the same doctor and nurses...

The four of us were actually on the front page of The Knoxville New-Sentinel the next day with a caption that read, "Sisters Harmonize on Births."

After I told this to someone recently they said, "Slow news day in Knoxville, huh?"

That's hilarious. Do you write your own material? Asshole.

Here's me and Rhonda on our shiny new tricycles at our 2nd birthday party. I know this only by the date on the side of the picture.

Why did they stop putting the month and year on each picture? I guess when bitches like me were trying to lie about their age - - to themselves more than anyone else - - and yet Kodak provides the truth on the border of every old picture.

And here is what I'm guessing is my 5th birthday party (See? No help from Kodak with the month and year and I'm lost in the 70's). Gathered around the cake are (L to R) my brother, Jeff, me, Rhonda and my other cousin J.T., short for John Thomas. J.T. looks a little like a special needs child in that outfit, doesn't it?

I've never had the balls to ask my aunt and uncle if they realized they gave their child a name that a lot of people associate with penises... I assume someone told them AFTER they named him and then decided to use the shortened "J.T." to avoid giggles and solidify his future as a redneck with a beer gut.

Notice I was born a blond...

...then it turned brown...

...then it turned loose...

Aging. It sucks, don't it?


Michael said...

Happy Birthday, Doll!

Alanda said...

Hope you had a Happy Birthday, honey! I'm sorry I missed you!


Stephen Rader said...

Thank you, Michael!!

Alanda - You didn't miss my birthday - - you gave me Superman filled with cash. What more could a boy EVER want?