Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Are You There, God? It's Me, Pat

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for The King of Kings of Televangelists...

Mr. Pat Robertson!

Starring in everybody's favorite show...


(Disclaimer: This only applies to Democrats, homosexuals, people of color, women, the poor, the needy, the homeless and the meek. Please note that the meek shall not inherit the earth - - the earth is Pat Robertson's bitch, so step aside, Mofo's!)

Proving again this year that he secretly wishes he were Miss Cleo ("Call me now, man!!") or at least some low - life operator on Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network, Pat Robertson announced that once again, God spoke to him and told him horrific news about the future.

God told Pat that there would be a terrorist attack on the United States in late 2007 which would result in "mass killing."

On THE 700 CLUB, he said...

(And by the way, when I say "He said," here I am referring to Pat Robertson and not God since A) God was not available for comment, and B) we don't know for sure that God is a man - - he might be a woman - - and why the fuck would God need a gender anyway? Who could possibly be on the same level to date God... yes, Oprah thinks she is and at times in her yoyo dieting she's big enough to date God, but come on...)

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Ok, first of all, our highly unpopular President can't even PRONOUNCE the word nuclear, so if there is a nuclear attack, the 20 minutes of prep time we have will be severely cut down since people running the Global Thermo-Nuclear War game will keep saying...

"It's a what attack? Newt Layer? Nuppleeare? Ok... three syllables. First syllable..."

Secondly, it will be something LIKE a nuclear attack? God - - The Almighty All Powerful God - - couldn't be more specific?!?!?!

What else exactly is destructive and powerful LIKE a nuclear attack?

If you say Mentos dropped in a Diet Coke, I'm done with you.

Apparently, God is either lying his ass off when he talks to Pat or God is just making stuff up to make Pat look foolish, because Pat's track record on predicting the future sucks donkey dick.

In January 2004, Pat predicted that G. W. would easily win re-election, but Bush, Jr. only won 51% of the vote that fall.

Well, maybe George does consider a 51% victory "easy" since he didn't have to steal the presidency like he did in 2000.

There's only so much fraud and theft that his brother Jeb and the boys at Haliburton can pull off!

In 2005, Pat predicted that Dubya's Social Security reform proposals would be approved and that Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts.

Well, alright - - lawmakers confirmed Georgie Porgie's 2005 nominations of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme court, but the Social Security initiative was stalled.

"I have a relatively good track record," Pat said. "Sometimes I miss."

"Sometimes I miss?!?!?!" Isn't God All-Knowing? Don't you think God would get His predictions down 100% of the time if the voice you were really hearing was indeed God?!?!?!

That's not the voice of God, Pat - - it's the after effects of all that Oxycontin you snort with Rush Limbaugh.

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