And Then There Were...?

Those Bushies are dropping faster than the Abercrombie & Fitch khaki shorts of a circuit boy drop to the dance floor after the g kicks in.

Who's next?

Condi?


Cheney?

Barney?

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #7

Well, this past week's My Favorite Caption Contest certainly inspired a PLETHORA of HY-larious responses. I guess two guys in singlets coupled with a head up an ass is that basis for comedy as we know it.

Too many brilliant responses to mention, but my "First Runner Up" for Week #6 comes from Jer of "you're being ridiculous" who wrote: "It's like I always say...Never trust a man who says he's just going to put the tip in..."

But for the sheer VOLUME of brilliantly funny response, this week's winner is Philip. And trying to pick one submission from Philip's TWENTY captions was difficult, but since A CHORUS LINE is currently being revived on Broadway, I chose this for Week #6's caption...

Conjoined at the most unusual of places, the Capputo twins went on to star in many other films such as "Just the Two of Us," "Pelvis and Butt-head," "My Brother's Sphincter", and of course, the award winning "One Singletted Sensation."

The third movie in the list makes me want to create a parody film of NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER entitled, NOT WITHOUT MY SPHINCTER. Set in my bedroom. The plot sort of writes itself, doesn't it?

Now, to top Week #6's picture, I had to go deep - - DEEP - - into some weird-assed pics, but I think I've found the perfect picture to follow-up the BUTT-HOLE WRESTLERS.

Let me say right now that I don't think I'll be able to find a weirder picture than this one, though. That said, here's the image for My Favorite Caption Contest Week #7...


Yeah. Suddenly the connection between Ang Lee's THE HULK and Ang Lee's BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN makes sense. In a truly sick way.

So, let the captioning begin. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, August 31st at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

You know, the boy in the Hulk pic may be weird, but I love his star tattoo. Maybe I should get one just like it. And one of those "Hulk hands." Hmmm....

Update - 8/25/07 - 8:18 PM - Be sure to check out Shirley Heezgay's new caption contest, "Caption This." I love this boy's blog!!!

Too Precious To Serve

I'm pretty sure lots of people have already seen this, but just in case, here's another brilliant piece from THE ONION...


'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General


Funniest Quote From This Or Any Other ONION Parody...

Interviewer: "How many soldiers' lives is the life of one gay man worth?"

General: "Seven"

Outstanding.

P.S. The latest ONION headline to make me truly laugh out loud...

"Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries"

Fratboy Friday

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

...whoever the Hell "they" are...

...so, it is my love, lust and deep, DEEP appreciation for blogger categories like BILL IN EXILE's "Boys in Hats," FAMOUS LIKE ME's "Mugshot Monday," and SHIRLEY HEEZGAY's "Ass Wednesday" that I'm introducing a little something I would like to try out on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?....

I call it FRATBOY FRIDAY. (Can you tell who I lusted after in college?)

Each Friday, I'll try to come up with some hot pics of guys who either REALLY ARE fratboys, look like they COULD BE fratboys or they sort of GIVE OFF a fratboy "vibe" in my (horny) mind's eye, Horatio.

There will be one pic each in four fratboy categories. The categories (followed by this first week's entries) are...

BOYS IN CAPS
(my version of BILL IN EXILE's "Boys in Hats")...

****

SAGGERS
(for those of us who like to see that subtle - - or sometimes not-so-subtle - - hint of underwear peaking out of the waistline of a guy's shorts / jeans / z cavaricci's)...

****

MOONERS
(yeah, maybe it takes my blog to the "Not Safe For Work" place, but come on - - who doesn't enjoy a full moon?)...

****

...and last, but certainly not least - - cause it's my favorite category...

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT
(which not only speaks for itself, but is also the excuse many a gay man's "straight" friends have given after a night of two beers and seven to ten blowjobs... you do the math...)...

Yep, I've definitely passed into the NSFW world, haven't I? Oh well, it's worth it to share a few of my favorite pictures with those who will truly appreciate them.

And just looking at the ones I've posted today, you can see I have a WEALTH of pictures to use for the MY FAVORITE CAPTION CONTEST.

Like the guy in the pic above... with the sock around his cock and the cross around his neck...

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?!?!

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN's Deep Love

Okay, I was excited when I heard that the upcoming Broadway musical version of Mel Brooks' YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN was going to keep THE musical number from the film...

Of course, I'm talking about PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ, as sung by The Monster and Dr. Frankenstein.

"That's FrAH-kun-steen"

And I loved hearing that one of songs in the first draft of the show was entitled THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE BRAIN.

I mean, if that song is sung by a large group of men and one of them is wearing a t-shirt that says "Stew Pot," I just might fall out!





Then, I was friggin' giddy when I learned that Frau Blücher...


...played in the musical by the wonderful Andrea Martin...


...sings a song called HE VAS MY BOYFRIEND!




But this little snippet of a "review that's not a review" from Seattle's THE STRANGER has me inches away from buying a ticket and flying to see one of the pre-Broadway performances...




"The audience was also volubly appreciative of Megan Mullally (of Will & Grace, here playing Dr. Frankenstein's fiancée and singing the hell out of "Deep Love," her homage to the monster's cock)"


"...her homage to the monster's cock..." I love it!!

God bless you, Mel Brooks. God bless you!

Now, how do I get my hands on the sheet music to DEEP LOVE before some other Chicago homo starts singing it. Hmmm...


P.S. Check out the Broadway.com rehearsal interviews with the cast here.

Theatre Quote of the Day

Don Hall from today's post on AN ANGRY WHITE GUY IN CHICAGO discussing yesterday's announcement that The House Theatre's hit show, THE SPARROW, will reopen once again, this time in Chicago's Apollo Theatre, in a production bankrolled by BROADWAY IN CHICAGO...

"I will point out that The Sparrow went from the Viaduct to the Steppenwolf Garage to Broadway in Chicago.

"If they're not careful, they'll soon be performing in the Burt Reynold's Theater in Sarasota, Florida for people eating Chicken Marsala for $15.00 a plate."

Alanda's SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD Teaser

Anybody want to take a little stroll through the Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest this Saturday?

I just found out that my uber-talented, good friend Alanda will be singing a song from her next show, SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD, which is being produced by Bohemian Theatre Ensemble.

Here's the info...

The Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest (GAAF) is a free, weekend-long event that features artists, open studios and live entertainment on three outdoor stages. Painting, fiber arts, jewelry, pottery and other art forms will be on exhibit. Experience art, theater, music, as well as food and drink, on the cobblestone streets of Glenwood Avenue Arts District in Chicago’s historic Rogers Park neighborhood.

The Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest takes place in the Glenwood Avenue Arts District on Chicago’s North Side, in the heart of Rogers Park, on Glenwood Ave., 6900 – 7000 North (between Farwell and Lunt) and the 1400 block of Morse Avenue, steps from the Morse Ave stop on the CTA Red Line. Outdoor fest and many art studios are handicapped accessible.

Alanda and Boho go up on the South Performance Stage at 1:45 p.m.

Who's with me?

And what song from that incredible Jason Robert Brown score will Alanda be singing?

STARS AND THE MOON?

I hope it's STARS AND THE MOON!!!

Bill Moyers on Karl Rove

This is today's Quote of the Day from Bill in Exile and once again, it's too perfect not to share with anyone and everyone.


Taken from last week's BILL MOYERS JOURNAL...

"Karl Rove figured out a long time ago that the way to take an intellectually incurious draft-averse naughty playboy in a flight jacket with chewing tobacco in his back pocket and make him governor of Texas, was to sell him as God’s anointed in a state where preachers and televangelists outnumber even oil derricks and jack rabbits. Using church pews as precincts Rove turned religion into a weapon of political combat — a battering ram, aimed at the devil’s minions, especially at gay people.

It's so easy, as Karl knew, to scapegoat people you outnumber, and if God is love, as rumor has it, Rove knew that, in politics, you better bet on fear and loathing. Never mind that in stroking the basest bigotry of true believers you coarsen both politics and religion."

- Bill Moyers

Spidey- Boy Sings 9 TO 5

Okay, who cloned me?

Well, it's either that or somebody got in the Wayback Machine with Sherman and Mr. Peabody, tracked me down as a little boy in East Tennessee and recorded this video to thrill and delight future YouTubers.

How else can you explain this clip of The Cutest Living Boy on Earth wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt and singing / lip syncing to Dolly Parton's 9 TO 5?!?

Okay, I was never THIS cute and when I was the age of this child, the song 9 TO 5 was about 5 years away from being written, but I think I've found a kindred spirit here.

Watch this little guy. I especially love his furious "typing" at the beginning of the song and the way he really gets into singing the lyrics, "CRAZY if you let it" and "OUT to get me!" Genius!



He gets a little lost looking into the camera in places and he may appear to lose the lyrics here and there, but as Norma Desmond said, "We didn't need dialogue; we had FACES!"

And with a face this cute, talent and charm radiate from him even when he's just standing still!

The Shoes Make The Batman

I just discovered a great new comic book / fanboy blog - - Kung Fu Rodeo - - and after reading this post, I am in need of 16,800 yen, STAT!

Yeah, yeah - - you twinks have your cute, white Pumas, but they ain't nothing compared to pair of these crazy-assed Batman Shoes from Japan...






















Even the box they come in is kick-ass...

Here's the question: I think these shoes are so friggin' great - - there's a black & white version if you don't care for the Technicolor version - - but would I ever get laid again if I wore these walking through Boystown?

I mean, would the Homos just look at me and start humming Dionne Warwick's "Walk On By?"

Or would these psychedelic Bat-Shoes soon be resting across the broad shoulders of a hunky, gay fanboy with a thing for shaved-headed cabaret singers?

I can dream, can't I?

Lance's Shelly Stories

I hope that Lance doesn't mind me posting this here, but he left this in the comments in my post about the upcoming film version of NINE and it is WAY too funny not to be shared with as many people as is humanly possible!

Lance wrote...

In the original cast of NINE was a lady named Shelly Burch. She sang "Unusual Way."

Well... she is from orlando and moved back there in 2002. I was in a play with this crazy ass bitch in 2003. Girl, that bitch is insane! I love her but she is NUTS.

Story 1: there was a 21 year old hotty in our cast and she looked at him one night backstage and said, "god what i wouldn't give to bend over this piece of wood and have you shove your cock in me!"

Story 2: she showed up in our dressing room one night, with out a bra and only panties with a question to ask me about 1776.

Story 3: she was on stage, ON STAGE! oh yeah, i should mention, this was a children's show, and she is about to sing a song and she scooted forward and her dress scooted up with her. the man on the front row noticed and she noticed he noticed and said and i quote, "hey mister, this is a children's show, you shouldn't be looking at MY HOOCH!"

Story 4: same scene different night, the little girl playing the lead was on stage (with) mrs. certifiable and screws up her line. crazy looks at the child and says, completely out of character, "don't worry munchkin they don't know you fucked up."

Story 5: opening of act 2, party scene at the barn dance, yes the barn dance, i am on top of a platform and cuckoo for cocoa puffs walks out and up to me, puts her hand on my crotch and says into a hot mic, "looks like your packing a big one in that holster tonight!" and begins to sing!

Story 6: after show met and greet. one of the biggest agents in town comes to see the show. the deranged diva walks up to him and says "if you sign me you'll find out that singing and acting are not my only talents." then she licked her lips.

Story 7: backstage ready to enter, mic on, "my pussy itches!"

THE BITCH IS CRAZY! but she CAN sing!

Boys - - I think we've found our new Diva.


Personal Note to Shelly Burch: Shelly, if you happen to find this, I have three things...

A) I am in love with you... hard...

B) I want to act/sing/party/do children's theatre with you, and...

C) Did you bang that 21 year old? Well, did you?!?!?!

Happy Birthday Mrs. Parker

Today is the birthday of Mrs. Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967).


If you've never taken the time to read Mrs. Parker's poetry or short stories, treat yourself to her work. Soon.


To give you a little taste of the her brilliant wit, here is a nice list of my favorite Dorothy Parker quotes and poems...

"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika."

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it."

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."

"Four be the things I'd have been better without:Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."

"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."

"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'"

"It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard."

"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."

And this is my favorite Mrs. Parker poem...

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.

- Comment (1937)

TMI Tuesday

TMI Tuesday #7. And before you read any further, you should know that whoever came up with the questions this week seriously needs to get laid - - big time! For example...


1. What’s the deal with blue balls?

See what I mean? The TMI writer is hardcore horny and doing a lame-assed Seinfeld imitation. Like THAT ever got ANYONE laid. Oy...

What's the deal with blue balls? Well, let's see... hmmm... oh, yeah... they hurt like a MoFo, that's the deal!

Now, get down there and finish the job. Use puppets and Silly String if you have to, but let's make it to the "Happy Ending" already! I'm not laying here for my health, you know!!!


2. What is the hottest vehicular sex scene in a movie?

I hate to say it because it stars Tom "Closet Craz-ay" Cruise, but...

That scene in RISKY BUSINESS with young Tom and Rebecca De Mornay having sex on the EL at night is the hottest!

And since I live in Chicago, it's tempting...

Ever so tempting to try and... recreate...


3. Strap-on? yes, no, give, receive?

One look at my "Toy Box" - - okay, it's more of a "Toy Closet" - - and a question like this is easily answered.

Not that I have a strap-on in there - - I'm not that much of a lesbian Dominatrix... yet... - - but anything that adds to the fun, I say "Bring it!!"

Bring two if they're small.

So, the answer is: Yes. Give. Receive. Request. Demand. Now!


4. What is the average penis length?

One and one half inches shorter than mine.


5. How do you stimulate his prostate? Guys, do you like it?

How do I stimulate his prostate? With anything long and cylindrical that I can get my hands on!!

Yes, for certain men, this does include the occasional Extra Large Thermos.

Do I like it? Baby, pack a lunch and stay in there for the day!!

Note: The "pack a lunch and stay in there for the day" part is where the Thermos comes in very handy.


Bonus (as in optional): Confession Tuesday... tell me a secret!

Okay, here's my little secret: I'm blonde.

No, it's true. Check it out...

Nothing says "Future Homosexual of America" quite like white knee socks with brown dress shoes.

Add the canary yellow shorts with matching v-neck pullover and you can spot my Kinsey number a mile away.

Oh, I miss my blonde hair.

Hell, I miss my hair.

"I Need You For My Film"

I didn't know about this. How did I not know about this?!?

Rob Marshall - - the genius who was robbed of a Best Director Oscar for his work on CHICAGO - - is bringing NINE to the big screen!

For those of you who don't know, NINE if the 1982 Tony Award-winning musical version of Fellini's 8 1/2 with music and lyrics by Maury Yeston and a book by Arthur Kopit.

Of course, those of you who don't know, probably don't care, but trust me on this one: Rob Marshall directing a musical starring one tall, dark and smoking hot man alongside SCORES of beautiful women - - it's a Showtune Queens Paradise!

And the while Marshall's "first picks" for the lead female roles are sexy enough to make a straight man buy a ticket to a musical on Opening Night, check out the man who's been offered the lead role of Guido Contini...

Javier Bardem.

MMmmmmmm...

What I wouldn't give to play Carla... writhe all over that man and sing...

"Who's not wearing any clothes? I'm not!"

P.S. My buddies at Porchlight Music Theatre are producing NINE this coming season. After their incredible success with RAGTIME this year, you definitely should make plans to check out their production of NINE

Perhaps Porchlight might cast a shaved-headed blogger as Guido Contini. I know I can pass for "nearing 40" (don't say it...); it's the "Italian" part that my smooth-chested-self will have to work on!

American (Broadway) Idol

Remember GREASE: YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT?

That reality show where the Danny and Sandy from the next Broadway revival of GREASE! were going to be cast by "You - - The Television Viewer!"

Well, the Kathleen Marshall-directed revival opened last night on The Great White Way and even though the reviews are all saying it "bites the wienie, Riz", with $15 million dollars in advance ticket sales, I doubt they any of the producers are rushing to post a closing notice anytime soon.

Still, this little piece from the New York Post review did make me smile...

"The main trouble with the elected stars, Laura Osnes and Max Crumm, seems that the kind of chemistry between them could well discourage hydrogen from getting together with oxygen to make water."

Science jokes in the Entertainment section?!?

I LOVE IT!

The New UnderToys Boys

Look who jumped on the ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? bandwagon and is recognizing just how cool UnderToys truly are...

I just got an email from International Jock introducing some of the new lines they will be carrying and there it was - - UnderToys!

As their blurb says...

"Nothing is more playful than a pair of UnderToys! Feel like a kid again while having a romp in underwear inspired by video games, toy soldiers, superheros and just plain having fun."

"Plain having fun," indeed. Check out the International Jock UnderToy models and the IJ descriptions of each style.






IJ: "The UnderToys Camo Trunk includes 3 embroidered general's stars on the elastic waistband, and an extraordinary camouflage fabric created from soldiers, airplanes, gunsights and more."


There's a "tickets to the gun show" joke in here somewhere...













IJ: "The UnderToys Invaders Trunk includes 3 embroidered spaceships and your current high score on the elastic waistband, and fabric crawling with alien invaders and a defending space ship."


He's so cute and hunky. Like an extra in a movie with only one line - - "I didn't ask for the anal probe."











IJ: " The UnderToys Super Hero Trunk includes a yellow waistband made to look like a belt with the addition of satin belt loops, and a red and blue body design that looks like a pair of super hero briefs."


Hey DC Comics - - THIS is what I call "Superboy-Prime!" Yum...













IJ: "The cars and helicopters decorating the UnderToys Pinstripe Trunk and the police badge on the waistband were inspired by early action/driving video games like Spy Hunter."


I never noticed the police badge on the waistband before. "Hey, officer. Search me. I might have something on me!"











IJ: "The UnderToys Skywars Trunk includes an embroidered pilot's wings on the elastic waistband and a lively fabric decorated with airplanes, flying saucers and jets engaging in aerial combat."


There's only one thing to say about this boy...

And Sinatra sang it best...

"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me"


Now, my biggest problem is figuring out which one of them is My New Imaginary Boyfriend.

Choices... choices... choices...

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #6

So many BRILLIANT caption submissions this week! It was hard to pick a winner, so for the first time, I'm going to give out a "First Runner Up" shout out.

...in case the winner this week cannot fulfill his or her official duties and all that...

The "First Runner Up" is Philip who, for some reason that he and I still can't figure out, cannot post a comment on "AYTBIMS."

FYI: "AYTBIMS" is the shortened version of ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? IT'S ME, STEPHEN - - like you didn't know that. If anyone can take the letters AYTBIMS and find a great anagram for this little blog, I'd be forever in your debt.

Philip emailed me this "First Runner Up" Submission: "They will know we are Christians by our calf tattoos."

Check out the picture again. You'll love what Philip has come up with.

But the winner this week is not the mysterious Eric - - no three-peat for Eric. This week's winner is fab-U blogger Shirley Heezgay who wrote...

"Roger bravely disrobed to provide a visual definition of 'Fat Skinny Guy.'"

Love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! Especially since my last bf WAS "Fat Skinny Guy."

Not this EXACT "Fat Skinny Guy" from the pic. But the resemblance between the one in the picture and the one I dated IS uncanny. Isn't it, Master Aaron?

Well, in a departure from superhero (and wannabe superhero) pics, I offer this piece of brilliance for this Week #6. This one is especially for Mike...


Lots to look at and lots to write about, huh?

Damn, I love a boy in a singlet. Two boys in singlets is even better. And when one of them has his head... well... never mind...

Give these boys a caption. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, August 24th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

You're A Mean One, Mr. Rove

On last night's THE LATE, LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON, Craig had this to say about Karl Rove's recent resignation...

"I think he's leaving now so he has plenty of time to steal Christmas."

I think Craig is onto something here. Even that song, YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH, can be applied to Mr. Rove.

This set of lyrics really brings it home for me...

You're a foul one, Mr. Rove.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Rove.

The three words that best describe you,
are as follows, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

It's Sucky IN THE GHETTO

I'll admit it. I was wrong.

I should have stuck with my initial impression of this Lisa Marie / Elvis project: "uber-silly" and I hate it.

I know the money is going to a good cause and maybe - - maybe! - - I can sit through the song and tolerate Lisa Marie's less-than-Presley-perfect voice, but this video, in a word, SUCKS!

Babies in cribs with guns and fake tears running down Lisa Marie's face?!?

Lisa Marie, your father wore bejewelled pant suits with huge collars and capes with gold lamè eagles printed on them and HE was more subtle than you are in this video!

You don't have to prove every point with a sledgehammer.

'Nuff said.

Watch... if you dare...

My Adult Film Star Name

Well y'all, once again, The Great Internet Guru is proved to 100% right on the money!!!

Your Adult Film Star Name Is...

Dickimus Maximus

What's Your Adult Film Star Name?

And before you even try, I'm booked for this weekend, but you can put your name on the list and I'll make sure you get some "special time" with Dickimus Maximus as soon as possible.

But be careful what you wish for... you may not be able to handle it!

Thanks to David at HELL IN A HANDBAG for introducing me to this great Adult Film Star Name Generator!