Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

Wassup?!?

****

SAGGERS

Yeah, I hate your hair too. Enough with the faux hawks.

You're supposed to have a head on your dick, not a dick on your head.

****

MOONERS

He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

I'll have what they're having.

Scratch that. I'll just have them.

Starting with Mr. Triangle. Hello basket.

"1,250,444 Ways to Please Your Man"

The Onion has done it again.

If anyone knows someone who is writing for The Onion's video section, please go down on them. They deserve it. And tell them it's from me.


'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

Hilarious, but quite frankly, I would love a comprehensive book listing 1,250,444 to please a man.

That would have been the perfect gift for those guys I dated who had no idea how to turn my faucet to get the hot water pouring out.

"I'll Bet Your Friends Are All Celebrities. That's Wonderful"

This Sunday, I am performing in my good friend Karen Bronson's annual cabaret benefit for Season of Concern at Curly's in Glen Ellyn.

The theme for this year's benefit is Songs You May Not Have Heard, and the music that everyone has chosen this year is tremendous. I mean, how can you beat lyrics like...

"The Islands in the winter, The Hamptons in the summer,
The fashion plate I date'll give me hummers in my Hummer."

Karen's benefit is one of my favorite - - if not my absolute favorite - - SOC benefits of the entire year.

I get to rehearse and perform with Karen, Mark Mavetz, Debbie Roberts, Steve Schroeder and the incredible Doug Orlyk.

The audience couldn't be more appreciative or more responsive, and Karen knows how to raise some funds for SOC.

My first year at SOC, Karen's cabaret event was held the same week as another SOC benefit hosted by one of the powerhouse theatres here in Chicago. And Karen's benefit raised more money than they did. A lot more.

Not only that, but she's one of the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, wittiest and most giving people that I know.

And she always asks to sing in the benefit.

And she gives me GREAT billing.

"Special Appearance by..."

Makes me feel like Lola Falana. And I love it!

FEATURING

Karen Bronson - Mark Mavetz - Doug Orlyk

Debbie Roberts - Stephen Schroeder
Special Appearance by Stephen Rader

SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 2008
3:00p.m. and 7:00p.m.

Curly's Grill
499 Pennsylvania, Glen Ellyn, Illinois
708-660-9054

- Seating is Limited -
Reservations Highly Recommended

$15.00 Suggested Donation
ALL PROCEEDS GO TO SEASON OF CONCERN

"Ima, You Smell Like Cheetos. Please, Step Away!"

She's back!

Just when you thought it was safe to enter the Fellowship Hall, here comes Sister Myotis!

And Velma! And Ima Lone! I love these three, y'all. I'm in Redneck Heaven!

This latest video is a little dance remix for Sister Myotis' Church Retreat.

Eat your heart out, Ethel Merman's Disco Album!



I need to find a Memphis Sugar Daddy to fly me down there to see Sister Myotis' new show.

Hmmm... I wonder if there are any gay members of the Memphis Mafia?

"Your Campaign Just Kinda Crapped the Bed"

This past weekend on The Soup, Joel McHale read Kathy Hilton's statement in response to John McCain's campaign ad comparing Barack Obama to Ms. Hilton's daughter, Paris.

Mr. McHale then offered his own succinct political analysis, the brunt of which I used for the title of this post.

So why watch the clip if you already know the punchline? To see The Soup's version of John McCain responding to Ms. Hilton's statement.

Trust me, you have to see The Soup's "McCain."

So funny because it's so damn true.



I think they found McCain's doppelganger, don't you?

TMI Tuesday

A very late-in-the-day edition of TMI Tuesday...


1. What is your favorite song to have sex to?

I don't really have a Favorite Sex Song. Back in the day, I would put on that Enigma cd and either Sadness Part 1 or Return to Innocence would get my biscuits burnin'.

(Don't even tell me that you didn't have sex to Enigma. They just sold 16 millions copies of that cd for God's sake!)

But these days, I don't really care what music is playing.

If I'm spending time with The Boy from Florida, that's all I really need.


2. What is your vision of hell?

An eternal visit with my step mother. She's drinking. And I'm not.


3. In the film made of your life, who will play you?

Me, damn it! I'm an actor, I need the work.

Unless of course Sissy Spacek is available, then I would bow out and let her take the lead.

She kicked ass playing "Low-retty," I'm sure she would be incredible as a bald homo from Tennessee living Chicago. Wearing that dress.


4. What is the one thing you most urgently need to tell your mom?

"Don't send the Cow Pies! I'm trying to lose weight and there is no way that's gonna happen with a big ole' box of chocolate from Mama Wanda sittin' on my desk!"


5. What will be carved onto your tombstone?

The lyrics to Stephen Sondheim's song, Anyone Can Whistle. Mainly these lyrics...

"What's Hard is Simple, What's Natural Comes Hard.
Maybe You Can Show Me How to Let Go,
Lower My Guard, Learn to Be Free.
Maybe, If You Whistle, Whistle For Me."

And the bonus: What is your drag name (which would be, first name: the name of your first pet; last name: the name of the street you grew up on)?

Oh, I always thought the name of your first pet combined with the name of the street you grew up on was your Porn Name.

Which would make my Porn and/or Drag Name
Grover Whitcomb. Yeah.

So, I'm going to stick with the Drag Name that I came up with awhile back, Vagina Dentata.

It's SO appropriate, don'tcha think?

Super Tuesday

To riff off of Philip's winning caption this week...

"Towel from Target:
$8

"Sunglasses from Wal-Mart:
$12

"Having your little brother hold the leaf blower so that your "cape" blows in the wind:
Priceless"

P.S. Sure, he looks ridiculous, but Superboy has got some abs goin' on!

"Paris Silk! Harris Tweed! There's Only One Thing I Need..."

Philip and I were in the Threadless store on Sunday and he really wants this Threadless design on a hoody.

Just like the guy in this picture.

He mentioned that this would be a wonderful present for someone to give him for his birthday next month.

Philip, I'll buy you this hoody for your birthday if you'll buy me this man for a four hours an a weekend night.

We good?

"Take My Hand and Swear Eternal Loyalty to Zod... err... Cheney"

Yesterday, I got an email from the lovely Mike Ellis at Remote-Controlled Hairbrush.

In my post about The Onion's article about Al Gore launching his child into space a la Jor-El sending his infant son to earth so that he can become Superman, I compared Republicans to Ursa, General Zod and Non (the villains from Superman 2), showed this picture and said,

"Can you imagine Condi, Cheney and Rove dressed like this?"

Well, Mike took that as a challenge and sent me this...

And I LOVE IT!!!

Thank you Mike for giving us a much needed laugh at these real-life villains. Be sure to check out Mike's blog and his art on Superhero Universe. His work is really incredible. And sexy. Red hot Lightening Lad, anyone?

P.S. Does anyone else look at this picture and hear a voice in your head shouting...

"Kneel before Cheney!"

My New Favorite Caption Contest #30

This week, we celebrate the return of a true comedy writing champion to the Caption Contest.

That's right, Philip is the winner of the #29 Caption Contest. And even though he hasn't won the Contest in a few weeks and even though he has once again surpassed himself with several brilliantly funny caption submissions, I hesitate to describe Philip's win this week as a "Comeback."

Why? Well, because we're theatre people. If I say this win is Philip's "Comeback," he might go all Norma Desmond on me, buy a casket for a dead monkey, put on a turban (which, he would look friggin' FABULOUS in because he's the Carrie friggin' Bradshaw of Boystown Chicago) and then appear out of nowhere on the street tomorrow morning shouting...

"I hate that word! It's a return!
A return to the millions of people
who have never forgiven me
for deserting the screen."

So that said, I give you Philip's RETURN as winner of the Caption Contest...

"Snacks for a pool party: $40

"Inflatable dolphin: $30

"Giving the retarded kid something to do while
the rest of us enjoy ourselves: Priceless."

It was between that submission of Philip's and "Butterflies are free but dolphins charge by the hour!" Both are brilliant, but I went with the "Priceless" joke. Because it's slightly offensive.

You know, joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

And speaking of "taking a fuck," after seeing the picture below, don't you wish that you were a tattoo artist? Specializing on ass tats...

It's not a dude riding a plastic dolphin, but I think there are SEVERAL options with this picture. So give this boy a caption.

Or just sit and stare at his hot, Hot, HOT ass. Like I am... right now...

"The Last Thing You Need When You're Working On Your Tan Is DRAMA!"

In a few minutes, I'm making the trek - - an entire half a block, if that - - to one of the entrances of the Northalsted Market Days.

It's the Midwest's largest outdoor festival. And since it takes place on Halsted Street between Belmont and Addison - - or as I refer to them, "The Paul Lynde Parkway between Cocksucker and Rimjob - - this particular street festival is gayer than Clay Aiken wearing David Beckham's jockstrap.

It's a huge homo block party and I'm meeting Karen and Doug somewhere inside all of the debauchery.

And yes, I'm hoping that these two will once again be in attendance.

"My, what a BIG water gun
you're carrying..."

I'll be out and about for quite awhile, but don't worry about my little bald head baking in the sun. I know all about tanning. I learned it from Delores DiGagorio.

Not to be confused with Cha Cha DiGregorio, the slut that stole Danny from Sandy during the dance contest in Grease.

The latter was the best dancer at St. Bernadette's - - with the worst reputation - - and the former... well, watch her video. You'll love her.

Especially if you like big tits.



P.S. DOES anyone who reads this blog like big tits? I mean "LIKE like" big tits? I hope so!! I would LOVE that!

"Music and Passion Were Always in Fashion"

Dressed in Copa!

Deep in Havana!

The front side

Shows off his banana!

So, I'm no Yip Harburg. So what?

"I'm Gonna Rouge My Knees and Roll My Stockings Down"

Earlier this summer, Philip informed me that one of our mutual friends AND his boyfriend didn't know who Chita Rivera was.

I might - - MIGHT!!! - - give them back their Pink Cards and allow them to once again make the beast with two backs if they sit down and watch this clip that I found on BlueGobo, the online musical theatre video archive.

This is Chita singing All That Jazz. All by herself. No dancing boys with her. No dancing girls.

And truth be told, Chita's not doing a whole lot of dancing either. But she is belting the FUCK out of this song. And proving one and for all that she is not just a Broadway star, she is a star. Period.

The video quality isn't the best, but as the note beside this clip says, "BlueGobo.com feels that a poor quality Chita clip is better than no Chita clip at all!"

Amen, sister. Amen!

UPDATE: Well, apparently BlueGobo is still in the "We Suck" phase of embedding videos because as Brother Boy says to Dr. Eve in Sordid Lives, "It ain't a workin'!"

So, I guess you'll have to go here to enjoy the clip.

Get it together BlueGobo. I enjoy the "We Suck" phase in orgies and couples who want to open up their relationship, but not in great video sites like yours.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

Technically, that isn't a cap,

but with abs like that, who really gives a fuck?

****

SAGGERS

Real men wear pink... boxers.

And he looks really good in them.

Of course, they'd look better on my bedroom floor.

****

MOONERS

Look at the guy at the bottom of the pic.

He's got that "$9.95 All U Can Eat" look in his eye, doesn't he?

'Atta girl.

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

He's drunk, he's cute and as my Deliverance relatives would say...

"He's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he? "

...but he tucks his tank top into his underwear.

A tank top tucked into underwear...
White shoes after Labor Day...
Ann Coulter's voice...

Certain things just kill an erection, don't they?

"That's My Little Octopussy"

I saw this earlier today at Heroes 'N Hunks...

...And if you're not checking out this blog, you are missing out...

...Especially if you're a homo fanboy like me...

...and I can't stop watching this clip. And laughing.

It's a proposed theme song written by Joe Cornish for the upcoming Bond film Quantum of Solace.

And I have to say that even though I am in love with Daniel Craig - - especially when he's naked and tied to a chair - - it's nice to see Roger Moore again.

Driving a gondola.

Down a busy street.

Ah, the good old Bond days...

"LIVING LOHAN is Just a Train Wreck"

Like almost every other person on the planet, I have a newfound respect for Paris Hilton after watching her Funny or Die video...

...Paris saying, "I'll see you at the debates, bitches" made me do a spit take. Thru my nose...

...but it's this little video I watched over at Pretty on the Outside that has confirmed my love for Anderson Cooper. Andy Coopy. My boo.

In addition to being an Emmy Award winning CNN journalist, he's also is the son of Gloria Vanderbilt, a fervent lover bears, and his gray hair is the sexiest thing this side of Daniel Craig when he's naked and tied to a chair.

And the clip below shows that he is also a man of superior insight and impeccable judgment who is not afraid to speak his mind...

On Live with Regis and Kelly...

"Living Lohan is just a train wreck. I cannot believe I am
wasting a minute of my life watching these horrific people.

"I guess people are hoping, maybe, this other person, Lindsay,
is going to show up, but until then, we're stuck with these horrific people."

Any man who refers to the narcissistic, paparazzi chasing Lohan clan as "horrific people" on national television - - at 9:00 o'clock in the morning, while sitting beside Kelly Ripa, no less!!! - - is a hero in my book.

He deserves a blow job. Performed by me. Soon.

P.S. I love how he makes Living Lohan sounds like a Lindsay Lohan version of Waiting for Godot with Dina as Estragon and Ali as Vladimir. Priceless.

"The Last Time I Seen Him, He Thought He Was Tammy Wynette"

It's up. I'm talking about my latest episode as a co-host of the Windy City Queercast...

...I'm one of a few different co-hosts on the Queercast and y'all, these other co-hosts are pretty damn famous. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to put out if I wanna keep this gig...

...As if that's different from any other gig I've ever had...

...and it's ready ready for download or popup.

In this episode, Amy interviews one of my favorites - - Brother Boy himself, Leslie Jordan.

Before and after the interview, Amy and I talk about Sordid Lives: The Series, Dolly Parton's upcoming Broadway musical version of 9 to 5 and about how my mother has only given one (badly executed) blow job in her entire life, and we discuss it all all while devouring mounds of Cold Stone Creamery Ice Cream.

Yes, you read that correctly. That was "my mother," "blow job" and "only given one."

That's how close I am with my mother. I actually KNOW how many blow jobs she's given.

We don't compare techniques or anything. That would be trashy.

"In Your Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights"

Final Crisis #3 comes out tomorrow and I can't wait.

I loved issues 1 and 2.

The Final Crisis Tie-Ins? Not so much.

The only problem I have is which cover do I buy?

This super hot Supergirl cover?...














Or this twisted, "What the Hell is up with her face?!?" Wonder Woman cover?

Yeah, you're right.

Probably the twisted Wonder Woman cover.

You know me so well.

TMI Tuesday

A very romantic version of TMI Tuesday...

1. What is your definition of romantic?

The movie Casablanca. Period. End of story.

Maybe it speaks volumes about the reason I am still single, but to me, realizing that sometimes true love means giving the person you love freedom or giving the person you love whatever they want or need that will make their life better even if it removes them from your life forever - - that's not puppy love, that's real love.

To me, true romance is Rick putting Ilsa on the plane to Lisbon with Victor Laszlo.


2. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

Hell yeah. I VOLUNTEER to sleep in the wet spot. Doesn't that make me romantic?

Sure, I ENJOY sleeping in the wet spot, but I still get credit for being romantic, don't I?


3. Is your significant other romantic?

Who the fuck IS my "significant other?" Since you obviously know, could you please tell him to hurry the fuck up and find his way into my life SOON!

What do I have to do? Sing that Oleta Adams song "Get Here" at every open mic and karaoke bar I can find to send him the fucking message? Geez...


4. Have you ever chastised a SO for not being romantic enough or too romantic?

My ex, The Skank, once chastised me for not having a present for him on Valentine's Day.

This was, of course, after he had, unbeknownst to me, been fucked bareback by every man between here and the Mason-Dixon Line, given me syphilis, slept with one of our mutual friends and shown up at my front door drunk and disorderly every single weekend for over a year and a half.

And he wondered why I didn't feel "romantic."

It's amazing how someone with so few morals can also be so fucking stupid.


5. What do you consider a grand romantic gesture? Have you ever been the recipient or giver of one?

One wonderful man once picked me up in a limo which drove us to dinner at the Signature Room at the top of the Hancock Building, then to see Karen Mason's cabaret show at Davenport's and then dropped us off at the now defunct Hubbard Street Hot Tubs, where we got naked and soaked in a hot tub. And things.

If that ain't romantic, I don't know what is.


6. If you have done something romantic to get laid, did it work? If not, why and how did that affect your romantic tendencies in the past.

I don't really do romantic things to get laid. I do romantic things because I want to show someone how much I love them.

It's about more than just sex. It's about letting them know just how much they mean to me.


7. What is the most romantic thing you have ever done? Had done for you?

Well, someone just invited me to Florida for a long weekend. And quite frankly, the right invitation from the right man is pretty damned romantic.

P.S. Isn't this a great picture? I did a Google image search for "two men beach" and this came up. Not at ALL what I was expecting, but it's perfect!

"Good Christian Panties with a Godly Cotton Panel!"

More Sister Myotis!

I just subscribed to Sister Myotis' YouTube Channel yesterday and was THRILLED when I woke up this morning and found a new Sister Myotis video just waiting to be viewed.

This, I guess, is a clip from her last show.

She is preaching on the topic of "Thong Panties."



The entire clip is hysterical and brilliant, but there are two things that I love more than my luggage.

First, I love when Sister Myotis says, "Do you have any idee?" That is EXACTLY how my grandmother would pronounce the word "idea." It's pure Tennessee Southern and can't be faked. It makes me laugh and brings my grandmother back to me. I love it.

The second thing I love also reminds me of my grandmother - - when Sister Myotis calls out "Amen?" To this day, the Methodist Church that I (sometimes) attend bores me to tears because no one is calling out "Amen?" and there are no little, old men sitting in the front pew calling back "Amen!" My grandmother loved to call out "Amen!"

If you're gonna sit in the House of the Lord, you gotta make some joyful noise!

Thank you, Sister Myotis. You are now officially one of my favorite people of all time.

Super Tuesday

Well, hello Superboy.

When Conner Kent comes back from the dead...

...and let's face it, he's GOING to come back from the dead...

...it's DC Comics, for God's sake, NO ONE stays dead for long in the DC Universe...

...except maybe Joker's Daughter, but still...

...maybe this will be Conner's new Superboy costume.

Just a simple Superboy brief.

And he can wear his old, leather motorcycle jacket with these briefs.

When it's chilly.

"Velma, Have You Seen My Bathing Cap? I Put It With My Bible"

On one of our upcoming podcasts at Windy City Queercast, Amy Matheny tells me about Sister Myotis and after watching the video below, I am hooked.

According to the blurb about her latest show, "Sister Myotis: Southern-Fried and Sanctified,"on her web site...

"Brace yourself! Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Fellowship Hall, Sister Myotis has arrived... and you'd better look busy! Listen to the inspiring testimony of how one woman took a small humble church in Memphis, Tennessee and built it into an 80,000 member mega-church, complete with waterslides, bowling alleys, The Red Sea Wave Pool, a laser-tag pavilion... and The Dick Cheney Vice-Presidential Shooting Range! Amen!"

Her church sounds like a Baptist church near my hometown. It has a brightly lit, yellow and red flaming Cross that towers so far above the church, it can be seen from the International Space Station. It burns retinas. It's not pretty.

My father refers to it as, "Six Flags Over Jesus."

I'm don't know much more about Sister Myotis (as played and I believe created by actor Steve Swift), but I wish I had the time and money for a quick trip to Memphis to catch this show.

Check her out. Nothing describes what living in Tennessee is like quite like this video...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #29

All of the captions submitted for Contest #28 were truly brilliant.

And many of you informed me that it looks as though the shirtless boy in the pic is not only uber-drunk - - his blood-alcohol level is somewhere between Amy Winehouse and David Hasselhoff - - but he also seems to be handcuffed.

And if he is naked and handcuffed, I say to the guy in the Polo shirt, "Atta girl!"

This time, a new participant to the Contest submitted two entries that were both absolutely brilliant.

James from Shoeless James first submitted this hilarious caption...

"We are SO going to get it on tonight. Once he's done throwing up."

Which is extremely funny, but makes me think that James perhaps actually overheard those two sentences. About a year ago. In a bathroom. In a bar. Said by me.

But James' winning caption is also funny. And just happens to be my idea of the perfect Saturday night...

"It always starts with one finger, but he always begs me for more."

Wonderful caption, James! Both of them!

Ain't that always the way? How many "Mr. Online Right Nows" have we met who need to edit the spelling of "Total Top" in their online profile to the letters "P-U-S-H-Y B-O-T-T-O-M?"

The picture for Contest #29 once again is ripe with possibilities. I chose this pic because my brother Jeff actually bought one of these blowup dolphin pool floats for me during our vacation in Hilton Head a couple of years ago.

Did I love it? Hell yes!

Did I mount it and float for hours in the ocean? Of course I did!

Did I notice the stares, the snickers and the mothers who shielded their childrens' eyes as if they were Lot's Wife looking back at Sodom riding on a blowup dolphin? Yeah...

But I was too busy working out the details of a soon-to-be-performed Lars and the Real Girl-esque role playing scene with my own, personal, plastic Flipper.

However, I never made THAT face while I was riding my plastic dolphin. Sure, that was what I was FEELING with my legs wrapped around Flipper, but I didn't show it. I was raised right.

Give this boy a caption. And remind him to always hold on to the handles while humping the blowup dolphin. When you're riding a plastic fish covered in Astroglide, safety first, always!

"What Else is in the Teaches of Peaches?"

I just saw this over at eMackinations and it's too friggin' brilliant not to share.

Check out everyone's favorite "other white meat" Miss Piggy singing "Fuck the Pain Away" by Peaches.








Why do we love Miss Piggy?

Well, as Frank Oz said...

"She wants everyone to treat her like a lady,
and if they don't, she'll cut them in half."

'Atta girl.

"You Will Travel Far, My Little Kal-El"

To the person at The Onion who wrote the article below: Will you marry me?

Man, woman, gay, straight, I don't care. I love this so hard...

"Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet

"EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world."

The caption for the above picture on The Onion's web site reads...

"Young Gore sets out for his new home, where the sky is clear,
the water is clean, and there are no Republicans."

I love it. But what about the Republicans imprisoned in the Phantom Zone.

What happens if the son of Gore-Al just HAPPENS to throw an elevator car containing a hydrogen bomb into space and the blast opens the Phantom Zone?

Can you imagine Condi, Cheney and Rove dressed like this?

Dear sweet Jesus...

Fratboy Friday

In tribute to the appointment I had with a very handsome optometrist yesterday - - yes, he had the cure for what ailed me... I wish I meant that in a dirty way, but I'm just talking about eye drops and some new contact lenses - - I give you a Fratboy Friday collection all from the same twinky little skater boy.

Imagine that boring eye chart with random letters is now replaced with random pictures of this boy. Now tell me...

BOYS IN CAPS

Better?

****

SAGGERS

Or worse?

****

MOONERS

Better?

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Or worse?

Yeah, yeah, yeah... there's not a drop of alcohol anywhere near him.

Who cares? Suspend your disbelief.