Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

It's that time again. I'm preparing for another board meeting next week and I am swimming in financials.

So, to keep myself from pulling what little hair I have left out - - and I'm not talking about the hair on my head - - I flip around YouTube for something to listen to while I play "Redneck CPA."

That's how I came across the video to this song - - Trace Adkins' Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.

I have loved this song for a long time - - it's one of those songs that makes me do a funny model walk down the street when I'm listening to it on my iPod - - but this video has a bizarre dance arrangement of the song which is ridiculous and fun. Just like the song. I love it.



That Trace Adkins... Talk about "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Yum...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #28

It's been over a week since my final performance as The Genie and as of today, all of the blue makeup is officially gone.

And my dignity has returned.

Not to imply that children's theatre is undignified. Not in the least.

But when random strangers keep telling you that you have something blue on your face, which they then proceed to take off by spitting in their hand and smearing it all over your face, your dignity tends to take a holiday.

Which is why I've chosen a winning caption that is not only comedically complimentary, but also references one of my earliest loves.

I'm not sure if Angel from Angel's Crash Pad even meant for this to be a caption, but any reference to Family Affair deserves a best caption win...

"If Mr. French got Jody, then Stephen got Buffy."

I love it, Angel! My mother tells me that I was obsessed with "Family Affair" in my first few years of life; that I would sit completely still and watch it whenever it was on.

Of course I did. Charaters named Buffy, Jody and Cissy. Sebastian Cabot as Mr. French. It's like "Gay 101." (What's "Gay 202" you ask? Paul Lynde, Hollywood Squares Center Square)

This week's pic is a little less obvious, but I believe it is ripe with possibilities...


There's something about a guy holding his shirtless (naked?) dorm mate up while giving us that gesture along with that look that just begs for a caption.

Helping out half naked (or completely naked?) dorm mates when they've been drinking too much. Why, oh why, did I NOT want to live in the dorms in college?!?

Give these boys a caption. While I play out the rest of this little "Real Stories of College Life" episode in my head. Over and over...

"I'm Not Mad at You, I'm Mad at the Dirt!"

The Joans. Tomorrow night. At the Elbo Room.

'Nuff said.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

He's a Longhorn.

Mmmmm.... longhorn...

****

SAGGERS

As Philip is fond of saying...

"Could you hold my purse while I fuck your boyfriend?"

****

MOONERS

This guy knows that, if you're going into one of the stalls at your gym hoping for a little

"Under the Partition Sucky-Sucky, Bumpy-Bumpy,"

ADVERTISE as you walk back to the bathroom.

Unless Senator Larry Craig is a member of your gym.
If he is, this move could be EXTREMELY dangerous.

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

The homo at the top knows EXACTLY where this night of debauchery is headed.

Or perhaps she planned it. 'Atta girl!

SPAM Humor

I receive hundreds of spam emails every day in my work email account.

Most of them are the usual drivel - - mortgage offers, wholesale Viagra, penis enlargement (Why is it that no one ever wants a vagina enlargement?) - - but the one I just received is so ridiculous, it borders on the brilliant...


The Obama subject line alone is offensive, but when coupled with the fact that Jesus destroyed Madonna's former home, it moves the whole thing into the world of the moronic.

I'm almost tempted to click on the link. Almost.

Batdance

With all the excitement surrounding The Dark Knight, I think it's time to look back on a previous installment of the Batman story when we also laughed out of sheer horror.

Prince's Batdance anyone?

Prince - Batdance
Uploaded by val6210

And before you start to think that I'm making fun of this song too much, please note that I just downloaded it into my iTunes.

With certain music, most men and all car crashes, I'm always drawn to the most horrific.

Obama: Time for a Change

I love Alex Ross. I've never met the man, and yet I love him.

His art is inspired and brilliant. If you're a comics fan and you're not reading Super Powers these days, you are truly missing out.

And now, Alex Ross has given us this image - - Obama: Time for a Change.

Time for a Change? Amen to that, sister. Amen to that.

Graffiti Designs is offering this image on a t-shirt.

A t-shirt of this image would go wonderfully with a pair of Obama '08 Boxer Briefs, don't you think?











And if that incredible image of Obama doesn't clue you in to Mr. Ross' political preferences, the image to the left is his take on George W. Bush.

That truly says it all, doesn't it?

Black Canary Barbie: Filth or Friggin' Hot?

I never was much of fan of Barbie dolls. I was too busy taking the clothes off my G.I. Joe doll...

...errrr.... sorry, Dad... you're right... it's not a "doll"... it's an "action figure"... yeah... whatever let's you sleep at night...

...And I was always disappointed that G.I. Joe wasn't packing ANYTHING down below. If Barbie can have plastic tits, why can't G.I. Joe have a plastic cock and ball sac. I'm just sayin'...

But I may have to buy this Barbie doll. Just because it's pissin' off the Christians.

This is Black Canary Barbie, based on the DC superhero of the same name. According to The Sun, a religious group by the name of Christian Voices thinks that Black Canary's costume on a Barbie doll is too racy for young girls. Christian Voices says...

“Barbie has always been on the tarty side and this is taking it too far. A children’s doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible – it’s filth.”

I guess it's okay for Barbie to have a body so insanely out of proportion with the human body that any girl aspiring to be Barbie will grow up with SERIOUS body issues, but putting fishnet stockings on that body is out of the question.

Maybe they would prefer Black Canary in the costume she wore during her Justice League International days.

Nah. Do we really want little girls to be inspired to wear headbands? Not to mention those pirate boots.

Fishnets stockings are one thing, but wearing white out of season? That's simply NOT done.

In searching for their official response to "Black Canary Barbie-Gate," I found both a U.S. and a U.K. group named Christian Voices, but neither of their web sites make mention of Black Canary or Barbie or fishnet stockings or plastic penises or anything.

So once again, some schmuck living in his mother's basement who feels guilty because he whacks off to "Two Girls One Cup" sends out one email speaking on behalf of the entire Christian Nation.

The squeaky wheel looking for some grease is once again pissing me off.

So since apparently one lone Christian is speaking for all of them, I now speak for MY people - - the Gay Mafia, the Homosexual Agenda and our Black Sheep member, Andy Dick - - and I say that Black Canary Barbie is hot.

If I had legs like that, I'd have on fishnet stockings morning, noon and night. Especially night.

So, if you don't want your daughter to be influenced by Black Canary's costume, then DON'T BUY THE FUCKING DOLL FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!

But please allow the rest of us to buy what we want to buy when we want to buy it. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean other people shouldn't own it or buy it or enjoy it.

Hmmmm... I wonder if Mattel will make a Power Boy Ken Doll. I can dream, can't I?

TMI Tuesday

Of all the TMI Tuesdays I have ever taken, this is truly the most TMI. Here goes...

1. Are your farts: a. Silent but deadly; b. All sound, no fury; c. Loud and stinky

The only honest answer is "All of the Above" - - unless of course I can add to the possible answers "A Warning Sign That the Hamster is Trying to Escape" - - because farts are subjective. One man's rotten asparagus soaked in sour milk is another man's Drakkar Noir.

Bette Midler says it best in one of her Soph jokes...

"My boyfriend Ernie was suffering from silent gas emissions. I sent him to the doctor. He said...

"'Doc, you gotta help me. I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. Last night at the opera, I had ten silent gas emissions, this morning at breakfast, I had two silent gas emissions and sitting here in this office, I've had FIVE silent gas emissions. What the hell am I going to do?'

"The doctor said...

'"Well, first we're going to check your hearing'"

(Sidenote: If it isn't immediately apparent that I'm joking about keeping a hamster inside my personal "Richard Gere Roadway," then you must think I'm a dirty, dirty boy. Thank you!)


2. Have you ever farted in front of a lover? Who was the 1st one to do it? How did they or you handle it.

In all the sex I have had, I have seen things go into and come out of the backsides of so many boys that I am compelled to either grin, shudder or become incredibly horny at a baseball game, in a hardware store or when I walk past a traffic cone.

So you see, with all that going on, farts don't necessarily embarrass or bother me. Besides, if you can't fart in front of me, how in the Hell will you be able to pee on me when I beg for it?


3. Have you ever farted and tried to blame someone else? Who and did you get away with it?

Blaming someone else for your fart. Mature. Classy.

You know who does this? 5 year olds and our current President.

And unlike our current President, the 5 year olds don't get away with it.


4. What food triggers you?

What food triggers me to fart? Beans and cheese, baby. Which is why I try to avoid going on dates in Mexican restaurants.

What food triggers me to... do something else? Well, asparagus works in the opposite direction, if you understand my meaning.


5. Varts (Vaginal Farts) Scary, or an indication of a good time being had by all?

Since I haven't had a vagina since a vagina had me, please refer to Question #2 for my answer.


Bonus (as in optional): When you do fart with someone in your bed, do you cover their head with the sheet and hold them under?

No. Well, if I find out that I'm on a date with a Republican during the date, I load up on the beans and cheese, bring him home, into my bedroom and then I tuck the covers in nice and tight before sliding into bed and doing to him what George W. has been doing to the country, the economy and gas prices for the past 8 years.

Super Tuesday

Blanche had Baby Jane.

President Jimmy Carter had his brother, Billy.

Lindsay Lohan has her father. And her mother. And herself.

You think maybe, just maybe, this is Christian Bale's brother?

Little Billy Bale? It could happen.

And if so, do you think if I slept with him and suffered through being intimate with that "I Showed My Miniature Batpole at Mardi Gras and All It Could Get Me Was One Crappy Strand of Beads" golf pencil he's sporting under those Bat-Briefs, he introduce me to his brother?

Probably not. But maybe Little Billy and his "Lil Billy" are truer to the real Batman than we've ever considered.

Maybe Bruce Wayne dresses up like a bat with all the black rubber and gadgets and kick ass cars because he's overcompensating. And with that much "compensation," can you imagine how small it is?

Then, the first boy he brings into his Bat Family is named what? Dick.

And there's definitely a little male-to-male penis envy behind Bruce turning Dick, not into "Batboy," but into "Robin," and making him wear a brightly colored costume for night time crime fighting that looks like Peter Pan as played by Austin Scarlett.

I always knew Robin was hung.

"Want To Know How I Got These Scars?

I saw The Dark Knight last night with my friend Aaron. It was, as everyone has said and will continue to say for quite awhile, incredible.

I'm not sure what it says about me, but the darker and more disturbing that Heath Ledger's Joker became with his stories and jokes and methods of killing people, the more I would laugh. I don't know if his performance if Oscar-worthy as some have been saying, but it is a remarkable performance.

One part of it reminded me of Burgess Meredith's Penguin. Go with me here...

Burgess Meredith had quit smoking before he accepted the role of The Penguin on the old Batman tv series, and the cigarettes he smoked irritated his throat. So, instead of stopping a take to cough, he incorporated the clearing of his throat into the character. All those quack-like sounds he was making started out as necessity; we interpreted them as character.

I think the same is true of Ledger's Joker. All of the makeup in and around his mouth must have irritated him slightly and caused him to move his tongue around and out of his mouth over and over. Maybe someone told him to do more with it, maybe not, but that little piece of business - - his tongue moving around and out of his mouth over and over - - was as disturbing and unsettling to me as the makeup, the voice and his knives.

There's only one way to sum up just how brilliant The Dark Knight truly is and I can't take credit for it. This one sentence review came from the girl sitting behind me last night at the theatre.

Right after The Joker's semi flipped over, she said (more than once)...

"Awww... That was the shit!"

I couldn't agree more.

Watchmen Motion Comics

In addition to the boffo opening weekend for The Dark Knight - - which I am finally going to see today... I can't wait!!! - - and the trailer for The Watchmen movie which was just released, DC Comics is offering up another fanboy Watchmen treat on iTunes.

It's a new comic form called Motion Comics and The Watchmen is the first comic or graphic novel to receive this treatment.

Dave Gibbons' illustrations are used and certain images move.

There is also voiceover to accompany the word balloons, musical underscoring and some sound effects.

I'm sure some purists will hate it, but if watching an episode or two of The Watchmen in this form encourages more people to buy and read the graphic novel, I think it's great.

The best part is - - at least for the next week or so - - the first episode is free on iTunes. So, go check it out.

And then let me know how I can make a Rorschach mask with ink blots that actually move.

A Rorschach mask with moving ink blots, a harness, combat boots and chaps.

That's what I call a Saturday night.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

I would love to do a homo-retooling (pun intended)
of The Patty Duke Show starring these two.

I would definitely keep the theme song from the original show. Especially the line...

"Patty loves to rock and roll,
A hot dog makes her lose control..."

Hmmm... I wonder which one is Patty?...

****

SAGGERS

Yes, they've taken sagging WAY too far,

but the twink on left is hot and can almost pull it off. Almost.

But the dude on the right...

Get her.

****

MOONERS

Exactly how drunk do I have to be to determine what "P O C C N R"
means when written on three asses / six ass cheeks?

Especially when you consider the "ass backwards,"
mirror image lettering of the "N" and the "R."

Oh, to Hell with it. Let's assume "P O C C N R" means "Buffet!"

Now... which side should I start on?...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Two bros, both named Bubba, and a couple of Bud Lights.

God, I love Myrtle Beach

"Who Watches the Watchmen?"

There's only one thing that could possibly surpass my thrill at the opening of The Dark Knight tomorrow...

And that would be the first official trailer for The Watchmen movie.



This movie is going to be spectacular.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #27

Some people say that comedy is tragedy plus timing.

I believe comedy is tragedy that is happening to someone else.

Call it bitchy. Call it schadenfreude. Call it whatever you want, but you can't tell me that you haven't at least giggled when you've seen a stranger fall flat on his face for no apparent reason.

Laughing at another person's misfortune is simply our way of saying, "Thank the Lord that wasn't me."

I say this because, after I award the winner for the #26 Caption Contest, I am going to give all of you a wonderful gift - - the chance to laugh not "with" me but "at" me and to realize that, no matter how bad things are at present, at least you're not painted blue.

The winner for the #26 Caption Contest goes to one of my favorite bloggers, Polt from Polt's Place. His caption truly made me laugh out loud...

"You think THAT'S something,
you shoulda seen what he did to the ficus."

Brilliant, Polt! And by the by, I would LOVE to know what he did to the ficus. It's the Romantic in me.

But before we can learn about the love of a boy and his ficus, it's time for my gift to you. I gave my final performance as The Genie in Aladdin today, so I thought it only fitting that my personal tragedy should be used to bring enormous amounts of comedy to others.

After all, this could be you...

After you've stopped guffawing and wiped the tears of laughter from your eyes - - or the tears of pain from looking at this picture without safety goggles and a throw up bag - - slap me up a caption.

And you know, now that I think of it, this picture provides some happiness for me as well. Because I never, ever have to wear that costume ever again.

Thank you, sweet Jesus...

"More Where That Came From"

Well, it's a Dolly day!!! I saw this commercial for the first time last night and I LOVE that I can find it so quickly on YouTube.

This is a Target commercial (or as we say in my family, "Tar-JAY") using Dolly's song "More Where That Came From."




The lyrics to the chorus are...

"'Cause I wanna be your lover
I wanna be your friend
And I wanna be your full-time woman
Closer than your kin
I wanna be your satisfaction
Be your number one
And just when you think I can't love you any better
Well, I have just begun
'Cause there's more where that came from
There's more where that came from"

That is EXACTLY what I want to say to the boy in Florida.

"Just when you think I can't love you any better,

Well, I have just begun!"

You listenin', baby?

Hello, Dolly!

The lovely Derek Czaplewski just sent this to me and I am as giddy as a school girl after watching it.

This is Broadway saying hello to Dolly. Not Carol Channing. Ms. Parton. And her upcoming Broadway musical version of 9 to 5.



Thank you, Derek! I friggin' can't wait to see this!!!

UPDATE: Look what I just found!!! A commercial for the show. Friggin' sweet!

TMI Tuesday

I left work early and had to miss Movies in the Park because I have some sort of very painful eye infection, so here's a quick, end-of-the-day edition of TMI Tuesday.

1. What were you known as in HS (Jock, Princess, Geek)

A fag and a geek.


2. What were you really?

Come on. Look at the picture.

With that hair, those Reebox, those jeans and that shirt, you think there's a difference between "known as" and what I was "really?"



3. If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?

Play safe but HAVE SEX. A lot of it! Cause let's face it, EVERYONE is cute and attractive from age 16 to age 25. Everyone. And I didn't take advantage of that AT ALL.

I made up for it in my later years, but still...


4. If you could erase one moment from your school days what would it be?

I know this sounds so zen that it will probably make me throw up a little in my mouth, but I wouldn't change even one day of my high school experience. Even the bad days - - and there were several - - made me stronger. Made me what I am today. For better or worse.


5. Who did you not date (or more) that you wish you did?

Seeing as how there weren't any gay people out of the closet at all in my high school - - including me - - there weren't any guys for me to date or not date. No options at all.

The more things change...

Bonus: If you went to prom, describe your outfit.

I wore a basic tux. With a basic mullet. It was the late 80's. In East Tennessee. Don't judge.

Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday picture number two.

The Punisher at the beach.

I think I'm in love.

Or at least Redneck Heaven.

I wonder where he keeps his gun?

Never mind...

"The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree"

I just picked up my cell phone to call Philip and somehow dialed my mother's cell phone number.

I'm not quite sure how this happened or what I was thinking while I was dialing. My mother and Philip couldn't be any more different if they tried. And you can tell Philip isn't a member of my family because he can eat carbs and still remain thin, for God's sake!!!

My mother is known for calling the wrong people like this. She's done it to me several times, so when she answered and I told her that I meant to call Philip, she said...

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it son?"

I told her no, said I was sorry for calling so late and wished her sweet dreams.

She said, "Bye little apple."

I stupidly replied, "Bye big apple."

I say "stupidly," because the phrase isn't "The apple doesn't fall far from the... uhhh... bigger apple," after all.

Mother corrected me in a tone that seemed to say "He ain't all that bright, God love him, but he's mine" by saying...

"Stephen, I'm the tree."

P.S. For those of you who haven't seen this picture before, this is me and my mom. Taken the day I was born.